Partner wont give me a break because he works and I dont.

[Sophie1029734]

My partner works from 8am to 4.30pm. I'm a stay at home mum with a little girl who is 18months.
I do everything in the house, my partner has never done anything.. even after I gave birth and was sore, stitches, could barley walk. I was also doing everything for LO with next to no sleep, it got so bad I was hallucinating.. whilst he used his baby leave for himself. At a push he would have her so I can shower, go to morrisons for a shop. Now I just order online.

Today I just felt everything getting to me. LO was haveing tantrums, following me everywhere. Its boiling so all the jobs felt more exhausting. When I went outside for space, to vape, zone out and sit on my phone watching some videos. 15 minutes in (if that) he brings lo outside to me and walks away. He said hes got a headache. I suffer with depersonilsation. I basically feel very disconected, foggy and weird. I feel more tired than the average person, I also get frequent migraines that last days. i never complain, I just get through the day. But when he has a headache it's as if I should kiss his ass. He was probabaly lying to make up an excuse to fo back to do focusing on himself.

I just wanted and when I try he brings her to me. He said to me that I live the life and I've got nothing to be stressed about. I asked him if he appreciated what I do for you and he turns it round and says I dont appreciate what he does. I show him I do by makeing sure everything is done for him, his dinners on the table etc I do my part by giveing myself to everyone but myself everyday. I've tried to explain that I can never shut off, I can never relax.. just stop. I get no help, then he says I dont help with Bill's. I'm lucky to get any type of answer because he could be lying there completely blinking me, turning up the TV and telling me to be quiet hes trying to watch the TV. I feel like I'm drowning in responsibility, losing myself and forgetting who I am because all I do is focus on everyone else. I resent him so much.

He's an absolute twat, OP, but I think you know that so what are you hoping to get from this thread? To be told that it's bad enough that you would be justified in leaving? It is bad enough that you would be justified in leaving. You would have been justified if you'd left as soon as he used his paternity leave as a jolly.

Sorry for the bad grammar, my screens broke.
It feels like he doesnt see how hard being a stay at home mum is. He thinks I live the life and dont do anything which is why he wont help me. He tells me that he has it harder because he works at a construction site and does lots of physical work. But what about my mental health from constantly never getting to switch off. I feel so unappreciated and misunderstood.

I want to leave but irs impossible with no money, I'm 21 with nothing to back me up. I guess it's more of a rant

I dont really have anyone to talk to so it's more of a place to come to to feel heard

There is no partnership, he is a crap parent, you'd be better off on your own.
Please don't put up with this, you deserve someone who actually cares for you, he doesn't.
Your child deserves better too.
Don't do anything for him, no washing, cooking etc. Hand baby to him when he's finished work.

That sound tough op.
Rant away.

But I also think it would be a good idea to make some plans. When will you be entitled to some free nursery hours?? Are you interested in doing some study ? I’d try and put away a little emergency fund for yourself, bit by bit.
Can you get some help from home start? I’m guessing you don’t have family support.

Look at entitledto to see what you could get if you were on your own

Wishing you all the best

By his logic he won't mind looking after your child all day Saturday or Sunday as it's sooo easy?

Didn't think so. Start making plans honey. Is he self employed? If so he might be a dick about maintenance going by what you've told us so far.

I bet if you worked full time he'd still expect you to do everything

Don’t even bother trying to explain or show him- leave leave leave- any man who sees their partner struggling with no sleep and a baby after surgery is a c*nt and won’t change

Tomorrow op literally do nothing apart from spend time with your dc playing and enjoying them.

No cooking cleaning washing shopping bin emptying absolutely nothing.

Hel not say anything to start with and then eventually he will make comments and when he does just tell him he gets the weekend off so your doing the same and ask what the problem is

Take your little one out for walks to get ice cream or the park and just leave the mess behind.

When he realises that the house and everything else doesn't magically sort itself you can tel him what he needs to do

Your the stay at home parent so parent. The child not the grown up.

Do you get any help OP? Parents/Grandparents etc (his or yours)

That sounds awful op. If you spilt up and co-parented he would have the child half the week/weekends and you'd get a good break! He should be helping at least when he is off work. It should.be shared when he isn't working. You both need time to yourself while the other looks after the dc.

What a lazy, selfish motherfucker!

And you’re supposed to be grateful to his twat? For what? You’re supposed to be a team, building a life together. Seems like he’s built a very nice life for himself at the expense of yours. I love that he thinks you’re ‘living the life’ when he’s got full time child care, a housekeeper and dinner on the table!

Also, is this the type of relationship you want to model for your little girl? She’ll grow up thinking this is normal and end up in a similar situation herself one day. Is that what you would want for her?

I’m sure he’ll make a great weekend dad.

What’s your housing situation? Do you have access to money? It might feel impossible but you could leave him OP. Ranting might help you feel a bit better tonight but it won’t this shitty dynamic playing out tomorrow and every day after.

On your own you’d only have yourself and DD to cook and clean for. You’d get universal credit and help towards childcare costs when you want to work in future. You might get free childcare at 2 to give you a break as well.

Rant away but if it helps but why not also ask for practical help, make a list of what you need in place to leave and free yourself from this absolutely heartless bastard. You and your daughter will be so much better off without him.

I suffer with depersonilsation. I basically feel very disconected, foggy and weird.

Depersonalisation doesn't come out of nowhere. How long have you been suffering? Are you seeing a therapist?

This post came from another parenting website, but it 100% applies to you.

(This post is specifically geared at women in heterosexual relationships.) Ok ladies, we need to talk.

Every few weeks there's a post that makes the admin team spend a day debating if we should say something or not. These posts are always on the same theme; husbands who are not pulling their weight.

Well, after just reading a post from this week were a whopping 4 HUNDRED of you commented in solidarity with the OP I've decided today is the day we say something.

Household chore inequity and child care inequality is a form of domestic abuse. It forces women to work themselves into exhaustion and illness, whilst men buy their free time with female exhaustion.

No one wants to see themselves as being in an abusive relationship. It means acknowledging that someone you love, someone you married or committed to, someone you chose to have children with is taking advantage of you and that hurts on so many levels.

it's heartbreaking to acknowledge, but acknowledge it we must.

If your husband or partner is capable of working at their job without being micromanaged and given extremely explicit instructions, then they are capable of contributing fairly at home without being given extremely explicit instructions and micromanaged. If they act like they are incapable they are gaslighting you.

If they were capable of living independently without living in a rat-infested pigsty without any clean clothes and living off pizza, then they are capable of ensuring children are fed and clothed, groceries are done, and household chores are shared equally. If they act like they are incapable they are gaslighting you.

If they claim they love you and yet your health comes secondary to their leisure, they're gaslighting you.

If they claim they can't possibly function and it would be unsafe for them to work with broken sleep, but it's totally fine for you to have to work, drive and do all the household chores and childcare on broken sleep, they're taking advantage of you.

If they say they are going to get up in the night and help but when the time comes the pretend to be asleep/complain, they're gaslighting you.

If they don't even actually try to settle the baby and had bub back almost immediately with "they just want you:", they're gaslighting you.

If your health, sanity, sleep, work, or self-esteem are suffering because you are the one doing everything, whilst they leverage your exhaustion into their free time, they're abusing you.
Like other forms of abuse, it will not get better on its own. It's not an accident.

So please ladies. Please stop laughing it off as "just men"

It's not just men. It's purposeful.

It might not be consciously purposeful, but it is still purposeful. They know they can get away with it.

one of you being on antidepressants because your husband won't help raise the children he fathered is one too many. 400+ of you being exhausted to the brink of PND and breakdowns is heartbreaking for us to watch.

You can't fix this by night weaning. Or sleep training. Or bedsharing, or chore charts, or even kicking hubby into the spare room. There are only two things that will fix this - therapy, or leaving.

I am sorry.

You need to ask yourself what is he actually bringing to this relationship? Do you resent more often then you think ‘ah he’s alright’? I’m only young myself, 24 with 5 children so I know what it’s like not ever having a break, and my partner works long hours. But the difference is when it comes to housework and parenting we are 50/50, and that’s how it should be! You need to have a serious chat with him because you cannot go on like this it is damaging your mental health. Hugs💐

@Sophie1029734

I want to leave but irs impossible with no money, I'm 21 with nothing to back me up. I guess it's more of a rant

Also although not ideal- but when he’s gone certain benefits will see you through (help with rent, council tax etc) until you could get lo in a nursery and get out to work? Just purely getting out of the house and a change of scenery, and only having to concentrate on you and your little girl could do you the world of good xx

Gosh i mean since when was working for money so much more important than unpaid work. The work that you're doing 24/7 would cost far more than his salary, so he is way ahead.
But it's not in his interest to see it that way, it is certainly in yours though.
As a minimum you should both have similar amounts of free time to yourself every week, sounds like nowhere near.
It's in your hands now, good luck.

Can you go to your parents? What kind of horrible man wouldn't help with a new born baby. Even the novelty value would surely get him doing something. He is not a dad or a suitable partner. You are so young . 8 hope your parents can help.

.

Hi OP,

If you are in the UK, as a single parent to such a young child you will be entitled to universal credit and money towards childcare if work. It may be a scary step but you are absolutely not trapped.

I really feel for you, these types of relationships are hard to break free of, as I imagine he has really eroded your self esteem. My sister was in a relationship with a man who put her down and made her feel like an inconvenience. My other sister and I told her it wasn’t good enough and my relationship with her almost disappeared as she told him and he presumably didn’t like it. She finally broke free of him almost a year later, but it was long, drawn out, and initially they kept getting back together. Now she is with a man who appears to worship her and is showing all the signs of being a great future husband and father. She is much happier. My sister has a loving family, no children, never lived with him and STILL found it difficult to believe she deserved better and break free. You deserve better too and I hope one day you’ll believe it.

You’ve got to leave him op. This isn't ok, you’re getting no support at all and might as well be on your own anyway

Oh love - 21 shouldn’t be like this. Do you want this to be your whole life? You need to leave and find someone who treats you the way you treat him.

Do not have another DC with him

He’s disgraceful

Lots of PP have great advice on how to leave the situation you are in, you are worth much more