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Parenting

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Original poster

Letter from ex - taking me to court

33 replies

Tryingtoconceivebabyno3 · 17/07/2021 10:48

So my ex hasn't saw my lb in over three years. He was never consistent, but all contact stopped over 3 years ago, he walked by us in the street and didn't even acknowledge him.
Lb dads, dad and step mum have gotten lb every Friday since he was around 1 and still get him now.

But I've recently gotten a letter to say he wants contact one day a week, and that I was inconsistent and never kept to agreements. Safe to say I was fuming at these accusations! But anyway it's not about me. I have messages begging for consistency.

Anyway lb hasn't saw him in over 3 years, hasn't a clue who he is. Just looking some advice on what would be best, do I say yes and give visitation one day a week for my lb to be potentially let down, hopefully he wouldn't let him down and he's grown up and changed. Or do I take it all the way to court, which I would have to pay for as I do not qualify for legal aid.

Also to add, this is the 3rd letter that has been sent, and when I reply he has never responded, or took it to court he just left it 🤷‍♀️ also lb is 7 years old.

Just don't want my lb getting hurt in the process. Thanks for reading x

OP posts:

Viviennemary · 17/07/2021 10:56

What does lb stand for. And how old is he/she.

Original poster

Tryingtoconceivebabyno3 · 17/07/2021 10:57

Lb is little boy, and he's 7 x

OP posts:

HeidiHoNeighbour · 17/07/2021 10:58

So your ex’s dad and step mum look after lb once a week? Is that right?

Does your ex not have a relationship with his father?

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7 year olds Families Family law General parenting

HeidiHoNeighbour · 17/07/2021 11:00

Regardless though, I’d let him take me to court

Newcastleteacake · 17/07/2021 11:02

Sounds like empty threats for whatever reason. He has sent these letters 3 times without any follow up. I wouldn't worry if I were you.

Hope you are claiming maintenance from him though?

Original poster

Tryingtoconceivebabyno3 · 17/07/2021 11:04

Hi, yes they see him every Friday. They collect him from school and I collect him that evening. And also LB dad does have a relationship with his dad, but he has never be interested in my son doesn't go near his dad's when he's there on a Friday. He will tell everyone I don't let him see him, but yet lb goes to his granda and step granny every Friday! But I'm the worst in the world.

OP posts:

Mrgrinch · 17/07/2021 11:05

Does he pay maintenance?

Original poster

Tryingtoconceivebabyno3 · 17/07/2021 11:05

@newcastleteacake yeah always empty threats. No he doesn't pay any child maintenance hasn't paid one penny since he was born. Never even bought a packet of nappies!

OP posts:

Original poster

Tryingtoconceivebabyno3 · 17/07/2021 11:06

@mrgrinch no he has never paid anything for him

OP posts:

Timeforabiscuit · 17/07/2021 11:07

I'd be wondering if there was a new girlfriend on the scene asking questions on why he's such a deadbeat.

Try not to let it take too much headspace, you're right to take it slowly and allow your son time to get used to the idea - perhaps suggest letterbox contact, and then IF he can keep to it, suggest a short accompanied day trip.

Has he sent any birthday card or Christmas gifts? Photos? Any contact at all solely attributed to him (no grand parents assisting?) If not I'd be tempted to suggest these as appropriate first steps to establishing early contact with minimal potential disruption for your son.

titchy · 17/07/2021 11:08

Either ignore him. He won't follow through as you know. Or maybe remind him that he son goes to his grandparents every Friday evening and he's welcome to see him there. If he chooses not to do so and start court action youll see him in court.

And why the hell aren't you claiming maintenance - that's your child's money! Claim NOW!

nocturnalcatfreetogoodhome · 17/07/2021 11:09

Is there a chance that he sees your son at his Dad's house.

Very odd he keeps sending letters. What does the letter actually say? Is there a summons to court or a mediation invitation? If it's just provocative waffle, file it and ignore.

I would definitely initiate child maintenance though - the fucker owes his son money, don't let him wriggle out.

Viviennemary · 17/07/2021 11:10

I would ignore the letters for the time being. Let him take you to court. Then you can agree if it gets that far which it probably won't.

HeidiHoNeighbour · 17/07/2021 11:13

If you are the worst in the world then there are lots of us!

Really it’s sounds like he is ‘performance applying’
I would wonder who he is doing it for, it’s certainly not for your lb!

I wouldn’t even think about it, just keep doing what you are doing.
Don’t even mention it to anyone, I’m certain he will never take it further.
Taking you to court will cost him a lot of money and as you say you have proof of you asking for consistency he won’t get very far.

Unless he has sent them recorded delivery he can’t be sure you’ve received any letters.

As long as your lb is happy, that is all that matters

MotionActivatedDog · 17/07/2021 11:14

He has access to his child every Friday and doesn’t bother seeing his child. This isn’t about contact- this is about something else. Probably just him wanting to make life unpleasant for you.

Id ignore his letter. If he does take it to court you can tell the court that your ex has had opportunity to see his child every Friday for 3 years while visiting his parents and hasn’t taken it. He’ll have to explain to the court what exactly he is doing in court.

Soontobe60 · 17/07/2021 11:16

Why are you letting him get away without paying maintenance? Are you in England?
First of all, claim maintenance through the CSA.
Do everything via text. That way you have a record should he take you to court.
Tell him that as he hasn’t seen his child in 3 years, you are happy for him to see your child at his grandparents every Friday - he is there from school til 7pm (whatever time you collect him). Then you will review him seeing your child by himself after your child is more familiar with him, perhaps suggest 3 months.
Keep a record of when he does visit - maybe text after each visit to ask why he wasn’t able to show up, again that will give you evidence for court if he doesn’t show up every week.
Don’t tell him he can’t see his son, he will use that against you and courts will see it as you being obstructive - courts will look at ensuring your son has a relationship with his father.

If he’s as deadbeat as you’re suggesting, then he most likely won’t turn up at his parents, or take you to court. Let his actions give you enough evidence to use against him in court.

Don’t forget to claim maintenance now!

Original poster

Tryingtoconceivebabyno3 · 17/07/2021 11:17

Basically letter says he wants contact one day a week and contact stopped because I was inconsistent amd couldn't keep to arrangements, which is lies but sure who's going to go to a solicitor and say I'm a dead beat who doesn't want to know his son.

And yes he has an on and off again girlfriend (whom I actually have gotten on well) but he's only interested as you said when he has a girlfriend. She has a son, and that son calls him dad but when they break up he doesn't it's all a bit of a sh*t show to be honest.

Every time he sends me a letter it costs me money as I don't get legal aid, he does as he doesn't work. Like I've bills, mortgage, car and two kids to pay for and he's trying to bring me to court.

OP posts:

lompolo · 17/07/2021 11:21

Let him take you to court and represent yourself. You have messages asking for consistency, you have a working relationship with his parents, the only reason he doesn't see you son is because he doesn't make an effort. He's unlikely to make the effort of turning up at court.

Original poster

Tryingtoconceivebabyno3 · 17/07/2021 11:24

I'm in NI, I never went for child maintenance. Lb is 7 and maybe I should have but I just feel that he would just have more control over me if I did.

OP posts:

MotionActivatedDog · 17/07/2021 11:28

@Tryingtoconceivebabyno3

I'm in NI, I never went for child maintenance. Lb is 7 and maybe I should have but I just feel that he would just have more control over me if I did.

I suspect you’re right in that if he was paying maintenance he would probably believe it entitled him to whatever contact he liked and be constantly in your life causing problems. I haven’t applied for Child support from my ex for the same reason. It’s a small price to pay to have peace.

titchy · 17/07/2021 11:36

Every time he sends me a letter it costs me money as I don't get legal aid, he does as he doesn't work. Like I've bills, mortgage, car and two kids to pay for and he's trying to bring me to court.

Why does it cost you money? You don't have to do anything if he sends a letter. Certainly not pay a solicitor to respond. You can reply if you want. Just a quick letter.

And what more could he do if you claimed through CMS. He can see his son every bloody Friday if he wants. He's choosing not to. Don't be scared by his threats. They mean nothing. A judge would laugh in his face once you'd pointed out that his parents, with whom he has a relationship, see their grand child every week.

beigebrownblue · 17/07/2021 11:37

Yes you can represent yourself in court if it comes to that. However as others have said I don't think it will. More likely to be empty threats.

Put things in writing. Seeing LB at grandparents seems perfectly reasonable as long as they are okay with it.

You might well find though that he says he is coming and then doesn't turn up, so with a child that age it is very important to have routine and consistency, so don't make a big deal of him coming for this reason. Fine then if he does, fine if he doesn't you still have emotional security for your kid.

Re child maintenance yes, apply straight away, you can do it now. Child maintenance and contact should be kept seperate one is not dependnent on the other aside from letting CMA know how many nights they spend with you a year.

Sounds unpleasant. Stick to your guns and focus on you and your responsilbilities.

Zilla1 · 17/07/2021 11:37

Has your solicitor considered the risks and benefits of replying that he has contact through his family of 1 day a week as per his request though as he has been so inconsistent that it appears that he has made no effort to build any relationship through that contact. It's great that he has finally decided to step up after so many years and you'll consider applying for child maintenance to ensure his support is encouraged through that route too.

beigebrownblue · 17/07/2021 11:39

Whether the ex believes child maintenance payments entitle him or her to have more control or not, is immaterial. According to the law they are to be kept seperate. Judges take a dim view if they are used as a kind of blackmail.

Do the application anyway, you are not losing anything.

ScrollingLeaves · 17/07/2021 11:47

Let him take you to court.

Would it be correct to say that all Ex has to do is visit his own dad and am on Fridays and he could see LB?

Has he ever done this?

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