Can't cope with toddler and baby

[Moorelewis]

I'm really struggling with my toddler and my 8 week old baby. DS is 28 months, was a little angel until DD arrived. Now hes become aggressive and hyperactive. He kicks, hits and pinches us both. I use time out if he is aggressive and try to remain calm but be firm and say he cannot do this and it hurts. He takes absolutely no notice. Usually this happens when I'm feeding her or changing her, he becomes incredibly excitable and just cannot be controlled and when told no, resorts to aggression. DD has got big feeding issues and cows milk allergy, reflux and barely drinks, hates to be put down so is a very demanding baby too. I now have to take DD upstairs to feed her so she isn't hit by her brother. I put her in travel cot downstairs but DS can climb into it so I'm constantly on guard. Today while I was feeding her upstairs for 5 minutes, I came downstairs and DS had pooed in the kitchen and smeared poo all over the sofa and his leg and was eating it. I honestly don't know where this behaviour has come from or what I'm doing wrong. I'm trying to meet up with friends and their toddlers to occupy DS and burn energy and also am thinking of increasing his days at nursery because I feel like the interaction is good for him. Any other ideas?

I'm trying to meet up with friends and their toddlers to occupy DS and burn energy and also am thinking of increasing his days at nursery because I feel like the interaction is good for him. Any other ideas?

The trouble with upping your DC's nursery time and arranging more playdates is that I suspect what DS actually wants more than anything is more attention from you. Hence the behaviour - he's going for 'any attention will do'.

It's so hard with a new baby but you need to snatch little bits of 1:1 time with him any time you can. Lots of cuddles and reassurance. Is DCs dad around to lend a hand, like cuddle baby for 10 minutes while you read DS a book or something?

I had a second baby when my DS was 28 months old. It was a massive change for him, as we hadn't really managed to prepare him for the new baby as it was just too abstract a concept for him at that age and he got insanely jealous.

I have 24month ds and 11wk dd. I'd say DS has just turned a corner in terms of accepting dd being here. Attention seeking behaviours have calmed down a bit. Do you have help from partner? Try and have some 1 on 1 time. When you feed stick TV on. When baby is content pop them in bouncer or somewhere safe and play with your son / do an activity. Is there a local park you can get to? I find getting out helps a lot.

Hi I'm a mum of 4 (1girl 4boys) and currently pregnant with #5 i would say distraction might help.....so when you know its time to feed or change baby settle your son first with some snacks or a little game that you can interact in while feeding/changing etc sounds like he's hitting out at an opportunity while your hands are full... and then your not able to discipline him as you normally would! buy a bubble machine and switch it on in the garden and feed baby outside while your son plays with bubbles,you can distract by saying quick go pop that big one over there,well done! Set up a Teddy picnic on the floor with his favourite toys and get him to feed and change his toys while your doing same with baby.....once baby is settled you can join in with him! Its all trial and error,your a new mum of 2 and doing a great job!

Just sending you heaps of good wishes

That is so very hard and no doubt you are trying your absolute best

I agree that some one to one time will make a huge difference

Best of luck xxxxxxx

It WILL get easier

Agree with pp who said put the tv on for feeds or when you need to tend to the baby. I had a 16 month gap so avoided the jealousy factor mostly but I put the tv on for feeds to keep DS1 in one place.

He will come around soon and won’t be able to remember a time when it was just you and him. When DS2 was small I let him nap in the sling and did activities or went for a walk with DS1.

It's all about attention and him feeling insecure. Try to have as much 1:1 time with him as possible doing something he wants to do, for example when baby is sleeping or when your partner is home. He's acting up because it's a huge life change. Give him lots of praise and encouragement and maybe a new toy 'from' the baby. My two year old was very difficult and still can be but I've found giving him lots of cuddles and reading with him when baby is asleep helps. Also saying to baby, just a minute baby I need to help toddler...so toddler feels important.

Its a tough age gap. I had a similar age gap between mine.

It really is about attention. When DS2 was born, my DH took a month off work and he spent lots of time with DS1. We tried to split our time so each child had one to one time with a parent as much as possible.

My eldest was the same age as yours when youngest came along. We had exactly the same behaviour and it was awful. It improved massively when I dedicated loads of time to doing nice things with her. So sticker books/new books to read while I fed baby. Cuddles/craft/playing when baby napped however briefly, took her to the park at the weekend between feeds when DH was around to have baby.

It does get easier and by the time baby was 4 months old she adored her little sister and has since. It's just a massive shift and they cry out for attention in any way they can.

Sending hugs, it was an awful time and I didn't know how I would I do another day! Then it passed and it's now so blooming lovely to see them together

Thanks for the advice everyone. @ISaidDontLickTheBin unfortunately as much as I try and do lots of 1:1 activities and give DC1 lots of attention, its usually only short lived as DC2 is incredibly demanding. I got the paints out today and covered the floor with paper, I spent 5 minutes with DS before DD started screaming. She naps for about 15 minutes at a time, it's exhausting. I definitely agree about the not being able to prepare him for a new sibling. He just had no idea.

Thanks everyone for the tips. Unfortunately DS isn't really bothered by TV at the moment. I will try feeding DD outside @lovebeingmum9

DH has a ridiculously demanding job and works from 9am - midnight Tuesday- Saturday. 9-7 on sunday and his only day off is Monday. So I'm pretty much the sole carer.

No advice to add, OP, but just wanted to say I hear you and am in a very similar place with my two right now. It's hell, but everyone keeps telling me it gets easier as the baby grows and doesn't need constant breastfeeds all day long. Bugger all comfort now, I know. But you're not alone!

@PolypGrunterPulpit thank you I feel like I was sold a false dream. Everyone told me that your second just fits in and they're easygoing. How wrong they were!

It's yet another phase, a difficult one! My daughter was the same around the same time, acting out to get my attention, it lasted a few weeks.

I did however keep her in nursery until baby no2 was 8 weeks old then lowered it to 4 days when baby turned 3 months then 2 days at 4 months and at 5 months I'm stopping nursery all together as things have settled nicely.

Hang in there, it does get so much easier!

As your husband's job is that demanding and this is all on you I would up his nursery time but tell him that the baby doesn't get to go to nursery and make a big deal of him being older. The baby doesn't get to play with (insert whatever nursery tells you he loves).

Yes he does want one on one with you but it keeps getting interrupted by your baby and so I would choose the nursery over the complete resentment from him to her.

I agree with a bubble machine, amazing thing to have in the garden and you can use it when feeding your daughter.

I know you probably know this but a sling, the gap between my children was 3 years and Ds2 was a poorly baby so he lived on me, a sling saved my sanity.

You could try putting the baby in a sling and then doing something with the toddler e.g. walking to the park. That way he gets to do something fun while his sister gets to nap or look at the world.

He sounds quite distressed. Not your fault and totally normal, but needs to be seen as distress rather than naughtiness. Try to see it as a relatively short-term problem: in 2 or 3 months baby will be less demanding and he will have got used to it. In the meantime, do you have anyone who can help hold the baby for a bit? Could your DH take leave? Try baby in sling while you and toddler play outside together? Anything to reassure him that things are still normal.

That sounds incredibly hard! You have my utmost sympathy, I think the jump from 1 to 2 DC is brutal...

Have you considered doing shared parental leave? It was a life saver for us.

I second the sling for baby especially if you can't lay her down without her feeling uncomfortable because of reflux.
When DD was 19 months old and D's a newborn I had her helping alot and that made her feel really special. So just holding the nappy open or dipping the cotton wool, choosing baby's clothes little things that will make him feel important.

Your h works 85 hours a week??? How is that legal or sustainable???

Your D's will be at the climbing and smearing stage, so it is probably best to avoid paint, craft, or unsupervised time where he could climb and injure himself. Could HE have a special box of toys he only gets when baby is being fed (he never sees it at any other time) a story tape is good for feeding so he can snuggle andisten next to you but some else is "reading aloud".
Motorskills (dancing, jumping, singing) before you pick up baby, so he is calm when you are feeding changing not needing exercise.
Also get him to help you with baby. Could he fetch basket of nappies as a game for you, or play feeding his own "baby" (large plastic doll or soft toy). It's a good way for him to express his emotions about new arrival and be involved, get praise from you.
Fresh air every morning, and he needs quiet time or nap every single afternoon even if you have to work on this, when he is overtired he will be even more hyper and aggressive
Mine were forced to have afternoon rests till 3.5 years. I had twins and toddler so lived for afternoon quiet time.

@thelastgoldeneagle opt out form and when you go out to eat at a michelin star restaurant, pretty much the majority of the kitchen staff will work those hours. It's horrendous and inhumane.

OP, that's immoral. Your poor dh. And you!

I think putting baby in a sling and getting out and about is probably your best way of balancing them, but yes, it's really hard.

I expect having a new sibling has exacerbated things, but 2 year olds are often like that anyway, it's a really tough age with or without a baby.

It is really horrible, up until a few weeks ago I had tears streaming down my face a good few times a day. I have 23 month gap & my baby is now 4 months and the last couple of weeks things have started to get a little “easier”. My 2 year old has suddenly started to accept The baby more rather than going to hit him all the time & baby is better at being left on the mat to occupy himself for a reasonable amount of time.
Can’t say anything in particular helped except having a lot of tv on & getting out the house everyday, even just for an hour to get over to the local park. It is a phase & I can now say things to get a little “easier”. Just try your best to ride through the pain!

There are some good books about managing toddlers' behaviour in light of their upheaval with a new sibling, I like "Siblings Without Rivalry" and "The Second Child Book" is good too.

Sorry if this has been suggested already, but what about a sling for DD?

Keeping her upright on your chest will help with reflux. It might stop her crying so much too. Having her on you might lead to longer/better naps. While you're hands free, you can play with DS more, take him to the park, chase him round the garden, etc

He won't be able to grab at her so much either.

Try the Baby Wearing UK group on FB if you need any help with what to buy, how to do it. Etc Or a local sling library.