Can't cope with toddler and baby

[Moorelewis]

I'm really struggling with my toddler and my 8 week old baby. DS is 28 months, was a little angel until DD arrived. Now hes become aggressive and hyperactive. He kicks, hits and pinches us both. I use time out if he is aggressive and try to remain calm but be firm and say he cannot do this and it hurts. He takes absolutely no notice. Usually this happens when I'm feeding her or changing her, he becomes incredibly excitable and just cannot be controlled and when told no, resorts to aggression. DD has got big feeding issues and cows milk allergy, reflux and barely drinks, hates to be put down so is a very demanding baby too. I now have to take DD upstairs to feed her so she isn't hit by her brother. I put her in travel cot downstairs but DS can climb into it so I'm constantly on guard. Today while I was feeding her upstairs for 5 minutes, I came downstairs and DS had pooed in the kitchen and smeared poo all over the sofa and his leg and was eating it. I honestly don't know where this behaviour has come from or what I'm doing wrong. I'm trying to meet up with friends and their toddlers to occupy DS and burn energy and also am thinking of increasing his days at nursery because I feel like the interaction is good for him. Any other ideas?

It’s really hard OP 💕 I had a similar age gap and was v lucky as second DC was much easier but I still struggled so lots of sympathy.
Things I would suggest:

• try and get him into something on TV! My youngest now loves tv (great…) but initially was only interested in programmes with people in rather than cartoons (loved art attack/mr maker etc from being v young!)
• Chuck baby in sling and try to crack on if they will tolerate. Also 100% use a dummy to try and settle the baby buys you a bit of extra time!
• if you are literally in the middle of something with DC1 I always find it better to wrap it up slightly before tending to the baby if crying rather than leaving halfway through. I know it’s hard and I wouldn’t leave a newborn to cry for hours but it just sends a signal that the older one is important too. Finish the story, finish that little bit of playing etc. My eldests behaviour improved a lot when I did this.
• in your case I would up the nursery hours as otherwise you will lose your mind. Also gives you a few days to have some 1:1 time with DD and establish some kind of routine in a few weeks which would help you all.

My two are thick as thieves and play together so nicely now (4 and 22 months). Hang in there!!

It's really hard work... can anyone have the baby for the odd hour here and there while you make DS feel special? For us it was so important.

Agree with all the sling comments - definitely a life saver in the early days with two. Don't set yourself up to fail, getting paints out with two is hard work in the early days - you want simple things so just get down to play Duplo or cars or whatever he likes that doesn't require any prep or make any mess. Does he like a bath? Have a random afternoon bath - that way you can sit and deal with baby while he splashes.

Mine was older but I found that acknowledging that the baby was a pain in the arse helped! Baby has reflux so regularly sick and we'd have a shout of "oh no, that baby has been sick again!" or when he cried we'd say "oh that noisy baby". DC1 is also in charge of passing a clean nappy to me or DH and this is a "very important big brother job".

The eating poo thing really stood out to me. That is not at all typical 28 month old behaviour, it does sound like he is really not in a good way. Pinching and generally grumpy behaviour is exhausting but expected, but this is extreme - and it's no wonder you're at breaking point. Do you have a decent HV or gp you could speak to?

DONT DO TIME OUT.

If child is acting out he has an unmet need. Clearly it's a reaction to the new baby.

Don't punish for this. Hug, talk, empathise, redirect.

@arcof I do all of that, I'm constantly praising him when he is gentle etc. But I disagree, if he is hurting the baby he needs to be shown it is unacceptable.

OP this sounds so tough and I have no personal experience as I only have one DD but I find biglittlefeelings on Instagram is a really good account to follow for insights and tips for toddler behaviours.

They gave a tip out on their stories yesterday about spending time with older children and "blaming" the baby - for example if your older child asks to play and you say you can't because you need to feed the baby it can create a negative association, whereas saying something like "I would love to play with you, I need x minutes and then we will, you go and pick a game ready" (they explained it better than I have though ) can provide a bit more of a positive reaction.

It must be so tough with your DH working such demanding hours, I would echo what previous posters have said about a sling, it was a godsend for me when DD was tiny!

TV
let him watch something while you feed baby.

When I had to feed upstairs I'd get a box lid (as a tray) with a piece of paper in it and would get the toddler to draw something for me or we'd take turn colouring in a colouring book.

sometimes I was able to read a story, or let them play with their trains & cars in bed next to me. we'd make up silly games, like they'd have to dive under the duvet to find me imaginary treasure or make pretend food etc.