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Parenting

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Original poster

I dont get along with my partners children advice needed

37 replies

Lullabellz · 11/07/2021 11:40

My partner of 7 years has 2 children (15 and 26) i also have 2 children (9 and 11) for the first 3 years of our relationship we all got along really well i would take his younger daughter out shopping, make cakes and crafts with her and the older daughter i would see alot of and would give her lifts everywhere etc..i noticed that my boyfriend wasnt bothering as much with my kids had no interation with them didnt play with them or even really speak to them this made me upset and it made me back away and not put much effort into his kids, i stopped taking the daughter out shopping and stopped giving the older daughter lifts etc..one day me and the older daughter had a big arguement over something and we didnt speak for over a year. It was making my partner unhappy so i held out an olive branch and contacted her to sort it out however we are both very stubborn and even though i made an effort to contact her after that she still didnt bother with me its as though she completely cut me off. i kept saying to my partner i dont think your daughter likes me and he kept saying she does like you she hasnt got a problem with you but then i saw a message from her to him saying he had to choose between me or his kids! He never told me about this message obvs didnt want to upset me. Over the past few months i have held out more olive branches by going round to see her and taking her little daughter out for the day but i still get nothing back then my stubborness kicks in and think well i wont bother again. The last time i saw the older daughter was around 4 months ago and things were ok but i saw her a few days ago and she was funny with me again not really talking to me not including me in conversations etc i have no idea what i have done wrong now!! ..the youngest daughter is awkward around me she doesnt say a word to me not even a hello or a goodbye..me and my partner had an arguement the other day and he starter shouting at me saying that i hate his kids. I said i didnt hate them i want us all to get along more than anything. We then sat down and talked about ways to male it better..he said i had to make more effort and do things together all as a family..i felt angry at him coz he is putting all the blame on me but i know if i am the only one trying and not getting anything back i will quickly give up. I aaked him if he would speak to his kids and ask them to also put effort but he said he didnt need to coz if i try and not give up then it will all go back to normal. Anyone been in a smiliar situation? Any advice? I want to be with him and eventually live together and get married but cannot even think about that until all this is sorted? Thanks

OP posts:

Bluntness100 · 11/07/2021 11:51

How do your kids get on with him? I have to say I find it really shitty behaviour that you dropped his kids because he wasn’t doing as much for yours. You punished the children for his behaviour.

What was the argument about? It feels to me you only want to sort the issues because you want to marry the bloke, not becayse you actually like them.

burritofan · 11/07/2021 11:58

Why do you want to live with and marry someone who doesn’t interact with your kids?

Cloudninenine · 12/07/2021 07:27

I think it was pretty poor of you to stop interacting with his kids because he wasn’t interested in yours. You basically punished his kids for his behaviour. It won’t have been conducive to a good relationship with them.

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Noterook · 12/07/2021 07:35

You were playing games, it was cruel to drop contact with them as he isn't arsed with your children; that is on him, not his children. I think your tit for tat unfortunately will be hard to come back from. I would be civil to them, try and arrange things you might enjoy as a family, but it's up to them. Stop making it about yourself and defending the fact you feel it isn't your fault.

Hercisback · 12/07/2021 07:36

This is why you don't use kids as weapons.

Don't marry him.

redcarbluecar · 12/07/2021 07:36

Communication sounds odd here. Your boyfriend is asking you to put in effort with his kids. Does he now make an effort with yours then?

Shmithecat2 · 12/07/2021 07:37

Why would they want to bother with you? You punished them for something that was not their fault - do you expect them to forgive you and chance being dumped again? Did you ever approach your partner about how you feel with regard to his interaction with your children?

Willowtree999 · 12/07/2021 07:40

I completely get backing off if it is only you putting effort into blending families. I was in this situation and told the effort needed to come from me with his family, etc eg they could choose to only come and visit once in a blue moon when convenient for them then I was expected to drop everything like royalty had arrived. It doesn't get any better and I got rid, life is so much simpler.

WunWun · 12/07/2021 07:43

Yes, you suddenly dropped the youngest daughter... How do you think that made her feel? Really nasty thing to do.

PomegranateQueen · 12/07/2021 07:44

That must have been very confusing for them to have you go from being so hands on to distant. You should have discussed the situation with your DP properly, not punish his children! I'm not really surprised they don't like you.

NautaOcts · 12/07/2021 07:48

At the point you realised he wasn’t making an effort with your kids… surely you should have spoken to him about that or considered ending the relationship not backed away from his? Then you don’t mention your children for the whole rest of the OP! How is this relationship from their point of view?

SnarkyBag · 12/07/2021 07:49

They must have been confused and hurt that you suddenly backed away and stopped doing things with them so I don’t blame them for keeping you at arms length.

Nowhere in your post have you mentioned actually trying to resolve the issue of your partners lack of interest in your own kids. You went straight in tit for tat because you were hurt by his disinterest in your kids but in the process hurt his children.

Why should they make an effort?

Somarefuser · 12/07/2021 07:51

So the youngest was 11 when you started playing head games?
The whole thing sounds dysfunctional, and you’re thinking of marriage?

saraclara · 12/07/2021 07:52

@PomegranateQueen

That. What a weird and cruel thing to do. Of course they don't trust you. Why would they want to risk getting close to you again, when you'll probably just drop then again?

I can barely believe what I'm reading to be honest.

Pompom2367 · 12/07/2021 07:55

OP you dropped his daughter when it suited you you need to make the effort and give them time

StepladderToHeaven · 12/07/2021 07:56

Does he make any effort with your kids now OP?

The whole situation sounds really sad.

Laburnam · 12/07/2021 07:58

Yes all that has been said

JenniferAllisonPhillipaSue · 12/07/2021 07:58

So how is he now with your kids?

purplecorkheart · 12/07/2021 08:02

You sound awful. You used innocent children as weapons against your partner and now wonder why they don't want anything to do with you as they cannot trust.
What is your partners relationship with your kids like now?

BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 12/07/2021 08:03

So you BF was shitty at getting involved with your kids and your wasnt to separate but to do the same with his kids?

And now your kids have a (essentially) step parent they arent close with and so do his. So nobody wins?

Dont you want better for your children?

HJ40 · 12/07/2021 08:09

Why should they risk forming a relationship with you again if you might end it like you did last time just because you were annoyed with your partner? You should have sorted it out with him like adults and not used his children. Little wonder they won't accept the olive branches.

You need to sort things out with him first. Work out if he will change his interaction with your children or if you can accept and live with things how they are. If you see a future with him, then you have to keep putting in the leg work. After your previous behaviour it could take a very long time so you can't get 'stubborn' again.

And never ever use the children again.

Mummytomylittlegirl · 12/07/2021 08:20

You’ve been together 7 years and your children are 9 and 11? So he’s been in their life since they were very young and had barely any involvement?

After 3 years you stopped bothering with his youngest? So she was 11? That’s heartbreaking. Poor little girl. I think you’ve both been terrible step parents. I’d call it a day and focus on your own children as this ‘blended’ family has clearing not worked and is beyond repair.

nimbuscloud · 12/07/2021 08:23

I’d say all the children have been very damaged by the adults in this relationship.

toastantea · 12/07/2021 08:26

i noticed that my boyfriend wasnt bothering as much with my kids had no interation with them didnt play with them or even really speak to them this made me upset and it made me back away and not put much effort into his kids, i stopped taking the daughter out shopping and stopped giving the older daughter lifts etc..

Rather than encouraging him to step up you just stepped down. How awfully sad for all of the children involved

This isn't a healthy relationship.

LemonRoses · 12/07/2021 08:29

I’m imagining you are not yourself a teenager, unfortunately you sound like one. Your behaviour is incredibly immature and ego centric.

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