I dont get along with my partners children advice needed

[Lullabellz]

My partner of 7 years has 2 children (15 and 26) i also have 2 children (9 and 11) for the first 3 years of our relationship we all got along really well i would take his younger daughter out shopping, make cakes and crafts with her and the older daughter i would see alot of and would give her lifts everywhere etc..i noticed that my boyfriend wasnt bothering as much with my kids had no interation with them didnt play with them or even really speak to them this made me upset and it made me back away and not put much effort into his kids, i stopped taking the daughter out shopping and stopped giving the older daughter lifts etc..one day me and the older daughter had a big arguement over something and we didnt speak for over a year. It was making my partner unhappy so i held out an olive branch and contacted her to sort it out however we are both very stubborn and even though i made an effort to contact her after that she still didnt bother with me its as though she completely cut me off. i kept saying to my partner i dont think your daughter likes me and he kept saying she does like you she hasnt got a problem with you but then i saw a message from her to him saying he had to choose between me or his kids! He never told me about this message obvs didnt want to upset me. Over the past few months i have held out more olive branches by going round to see her and taking her little daughter out for the day but i still get nothing back then my stubborness kicks in and think well i wont bother again. The last time i saw the older daughter was around 4 months ago and things were ok but i saw her a few days ago and she was funny with me again not really talking to me not including me in conversations etc i have no idea what i have done wrong now!! ..the youngest daughter is awkward around me she doesnt say a word to me not even a hello or a goodbye..me and my partner had an arguement the other day and he starter shouting at me saying that i hate his kids. I said i didnt hate them i want us all to get along more than anything. We then sat down and talked about ways to male it better..he said i had to make more effort and do things together all as a family..i felt angry at him coz he is putting all the blame on me but i know if i am the only one trying and not getting anything back i will quickly give up. I aaked him if he would speak to his kids and ask them to also put effort but he said he didnt need to coz if i try and not give up then it will all go back to normal. Anyone been in a smiliar situation? Any advice? I want to be with him and eventually live together and get married but cannot even think about that until all this is sorted? Thanks

Neither you nor your partner are parenting like grownups. The whole family setup is dysfunctional. I feel extremely sorry for all the children involved. One can only hope that their other parents are behaving more responsibly. Why you would want to be with a man who has no interest in your children, who were very young when he came into their lives, is a mystery.

@nimbuscloud

I’d say all the children have been very damaged by the adults in this relationship.

Agreed.

I agree with everything that's been said.
To offer constructive advice though, I think you
A) need to get your DP to be a better, more involved step parent to your DC
B) start being a better, more involved and consistently caring SP to the youngest. I presume she stays with you frequently?
C) Keep friendly contact with the eldest and her DD. But don't push it. Or expect equal affection in return.

You've hurt the girls. The eldest is protecting her DD from being exposed to the same inconsistent affection from you.

Just split up. The whole thing sounds toxic as hell for the children.

It sounds like it will not improve anytime soon. You were mean to punish his kids for his behaviour.

It sounds like you and his DD's were all making an effort and building a relationship and then you suddenly ended this because you were annoyed with your DP. You broke the relationship on purpose. That's going to be hard to come back from. They probably liked and trusted you and they had made an effort with their father's new gf. You could stay by apologising and asking if they would let you try again.

Also, your DP needs to build a relationship with your DC if you are going to get married.

Your children deserve better. LTB

I think what’s worse than the fact the op dropped the kids, is she’s trying to apportion blame to them also and sounds like she only wants to resolve this so she can move in with him and marry him, not becayse she remotely cares.

Op it is your fault. You should have been interacting with his kids because you genuinely wished to, not as a way to get your man, and if he wasn’t interacting with yours you should have addressed that fully with him, it was a relationship issue, not a child issue.

You hurt them as you were just playing games. They thought you cared and soon found out you didn’t, they were just pawns you were using to get your feet under the table and now you want to try to do it again.

You can’t use people to get what you want. Much less children.

The kids will know you punished them for their feckless father - who they have no responsibility for or control of. It will have hurt them, so they probably won’t want a relationship with you anymore. What if you have a row with their dad and cut them out again?

It sounds like you can’t speak to your partner about things, and passive aggressive behaviour is not a good foundation for a relationship.

@DancesWithTortoises

Your children deserve better. LTB

All the children deserve better than "adults" who use them as pawns in their immature games

I agree with others that it sounds very toxic for all the poor children.

How did you happen to see the message to your partner from his daughter?