AIBU to ask how you felt for the first 3 mths of your baby's life?

[PerfectPrepPrincess]

For me it's been a mixed but heavy bag. Hell of a labour ending in EMCS with poor treatment in hospital, poor breastfeeding experience where we're still 'clinging on with thin lips' whilst mixed feeding that has lead to a very emotional number of weeks.

We've had some lovely times however and I'm over the moon with my baby.

But I'm constantly stressed over one thing or another baby wise, there is a deep seated current of mild sadness like a kind of grief... Not sure why it's there. I don't think it's PND, if it is it's very mild. I think I'm 'grieving' for the newborn weeks that have just disappeared as I've been 'consumed' by trying to get breastfeeding working (given up now, it is what it is).

How did you feel with yours? If you didn't have PND were you more than 50/75% happy and over the moon, or were you anxious, irritable and sleep deprived, what was it like for you?

My issues were less about the baby, and more about me.

I felt so lost, like I didn't recognise any part of my life - my body was different, none of my clothes fit, I was on maternity leave from my career (which had always been a big part of my identity), none of my friends had kids, we were overseas with no family, my husband went back to work after 3 days...

I spent the first few months trying to work out who this new 'me' was - I look back at photos from this time and I look so different - the way I dressed, even the way my face looked, it was so strange.

Then I hired a nanny and went back to work when DC1 was around 16 weeks. I was also diagnosed with a severely underactive thryoid and medicated for that. I got a personal trainer and started working out early in the morning. I pushed myself to reconnect with my 'old' friends and some of my old hobbies.

Slowly the pieces of the jigsaw started to come together and the fog started to lift. The final picture is a bit different to what it looked like pre-DC, but the overall concept is still the same - I'm still the same person, and realising that made me so much happier.

Horrendous I thought about taking my own life , I had pnd and ptsd. I had a horrible birth like you an emcs under general plus other complications , awful hospital care. Baby with toungue tie that made me nipples bleed so had to pump. I was obsessed with breastfeeding and determined to carry on no matter what otherwise I felt like I’d failed even more. Really I should of forumla fed so I could sleep, I was so sleep deprived I hallucinated. I will never have another child because of all of that. The first year was a big blur but luckily now I’m feeling much better my child is 2. I think I started to feel better when they started sleeping through at 11 months.

The first few months can be awful for some of us, I think you could have PND it could be worth speaking to the gp, hang in there because things will get better even though it doesn’t feel like it xxx

All babies are "good babies".

First 6 months were awful, mainly due to pressure to BF and sleeping problems. Much better now at 11 months although she still doesn't sleep and is running me ragged walking/falling/getting in to everything

@PerfectPrepPrincess

I have a lactation person coming out on Tuesday , I just feel so fed up with it all. I'm not producing enough just now for him, but he is an absolute guzzler , doesn't help he was born a big baby as well, 10lb 4oz .

Today was rough, one of those what have I done days that feels like groundhog day. Another day of my DH being able to leave the house and I have to sit at home with the baby , don't get me wrong it's essential errands he's running but I miss being able to leave the house whenever and not worry about getting tired or uncomfortable.

@whoknew23
Oh hun it's so hard I've been where you are now. You'll find your way and your half way there by seeking help. Hopefully you'll get loads out of it as it's still early days for you. I wish I sought help sooner.

You've not done anything wrong, it's your hormones reacting to the crying of the baby. It's so tough.

I found not having a quiet house helped, especially the radio music lifts the soul... That and a boat load of chocolate!!!

PM me if you want a friendly virtual ear xxx

Cried every day for the first 9 weeks. Post natal anxiety which still hasn't properly resolved five years later. I would never have another child.

My son is 17 weeks. The first 12 weeks or so we're utterly blighted by severe reflux and CMPA, as well as a soya and legume allergy. I also had a traumatic delivery and my milk was delayed. It took until 3 weeks ago to be EBF, after none stop pumping after every feed and finally medication. I'd been doing this anyway but when he refused to drink prescription formula I had to do something.

Every waking moment, quite literally, was spent with him crying. The first week mentally scarred me because he lost so much weight - they threatened to hospitalise him if I didn't give formula. He also had jaundice.

He's incredible now. As soon as I cut the allergens from my diet and got him on omeprazole he started laughing and smiling. He can sit up. He can roll both ways. I honestly had been petrified that the first 3 months would have set him back, but they haven't.

I, on the other hand, am drained. I'm pretty sure I've got post partum anxiety. I'm taking control of this by training as a breastfeeding support peer - my own experience of midwife support was awful, and it was a breastfeeding support team that helped me, so I'd like to give something back. That helps.

We're in to the 4 month progression now, so very tired, but we co-sleep when need be so it could be worse. I just feel sad for the newborn days. I missed out on what should have been magical - hard I expected but not what I got. I find it so hard to come to terms with the pain my son endured.

Oh, and he also had a tongue tie that midwives and HV all said he didn't. It turned out to be severe. I feel like I've been on an intensive crash course of breastfeeding, illness in babies, and how to actually care for a child. I'm still in shock by how disgraceful postnatal care is. I could write an essay's worth about how I was treated, but I don't think I need to because unfortunately it isn't a rarity judging by the threads i often read about it. Such a shame. I love the NHS and hate to sound like I'm putting them down, but I just cannot comprehend how awfully women are treated post partum. On the ward I was on, the midwives were so awful one lady broke down after being screamed at and walked out. Leaving her baby. I saw her MH disintegrate over 3 days. Midwives didn't give a fuck.

I found it utterly, grindingly horrendous - almost without respite. But he's 11 now and a joy!

@FolkyFoxFace so sorry to read what you've been through that sounds ridiculously tough

That poor woman leaving her baby so so sad.

I had a breakdown in the hospital the day I left, care was almost non existant as a result of staff shortage and lots of older MWs who had lost the passion over the years. It was so obvious, the younger ones freshly trained were so good at caring and obviously still had the spark of passion but the older ones, most of us them unfortunately I think were hanging on for retirement but could be a result of bullying/ shitty stressed NHS performance target culture

@Ihaveoflate

Some of the darkest and most challenging weeks of my life, but I did have PND/A. I would never wish to repeat the baby phase.

Me too. I just couldn't cope and cried alll the time.

A huge sense of overwhelming responsibility rather than love. I also felt like she was part of me and that I already knew her - is that what love is? I wasn’t sure. I cried a lot. The days were very up and down with some good bits and some hard bits. Some boring bits where I felt very sad about the huge change. I felt very irritable and exhausted. I think I was depressed really as I couldn’t understand why people were congratulating me - I didn’t feel like it was a positive thing I’d done, just a huge load of responsibility I’d given myself. But then very gradually life settled down and the routines emerged, and I felt stronger as she grew. I made really great friendships with other mums which have endured and kept me sane - that is what saved me. Toddler years are challenging in other ways but I am enjoying her very much now and love the time we have together.

It was awful. I had ‘easy’ DTs who came with their own feeding schedule, but I was an absolute mess. I don’t think I really felt like their mother until they were 12 weeks or so, I was just a ball of anger and negative emotions, coupled with plenty of guilt and self loathing.

I hated myself for every single failing - ivf babies, elcs, not being able to bf. Horrible intrusive thoughts, couldn’t cope with the housework, had no idea WTF I was doing, my marriage was crumbling and I was so fucking tired I was amazed I’d not died and gained a whole new respect for my body because it just kept going. I was terrified of every single decision I made that it would be wrong and I’d permanently damage the children’s future, that I’d not bonded with them at all and would dread getting up the next day as I’d have to do it all again and I couldn’t cope with it.

I did seek MH support briefly, but the maternity team told me that because I wasn’t suicidal/a danger to the babies everything was fine so I plodded on. I ended up on ads when they were around 8 months old for pnd though - got to the point where I honestly felt I’d had a breakdown and knew I needed help.

Worst few months of my life. Hated every single second of it. When people would ask me "so do you enjoy being a mum?!" id cry on the inside as I really didn't, but obviously couldn't say anything.

Pregnant with my 2nd and I just hope I can handle it better / I'm blessed with an easier baby so I can understand what this lovely newborn bubble is the majority of mum's rave about.

I love little babies but I felt anxious in the early months, it eased significantly from about 5 months I think, probably from when I introduced solids and got a bit more of a predictable routine going and wasn't quite so reliant on just me for food.
I remember that heavy feeling in my stomach that I find hard to describe with just a feeling of dread/sadness even though I was so in love with my baby. I think that part was part hormones/exhaustion/waiting for the sleepless night but that did tail off at about 8 weeks I think

@UKmumtobe. But do you the majority of mums experience this lovely painted picture of the newborn bubble? Do you you think it's the majority? This is what I'm trying to work out, if what I feel is the average experience xx

First baby - Hit me like a ton of bricks. Hated it, was freaking out all the time, definitely had pnd and postnatal anxiety. Very difficult baby and no support! Life changed drastically and I found it very hard. Hated not feeling in control and couldn't stand the baby's constant crying. He slept great so wasn't sleep deprived but was horrified by how much harder it was than I'd expected and felt I was failing at being a mum.

Second baby - completely different story. Very easy baby and I knew what to expect this time. Plus everyone was in lockdown so didn't feel I was missing out on anything. Finally found out what that lovely newborn bubble was like (except I had a toddler keeping me on my toes too!). Despite being much more sleep deprived, was very happy.

@PerfectPrepPrincess it's a good question and one I've wondered. It appears as though majority of my friends did not feel the way I did. And they had babies who slept as newborns so they could do baby classes or pop for coffees or lunch and their baby would nap in the pram (mine didn't from the get go and I felt really fucking cheated).

I think you're right though and so so many women feel this way and it's just not vocalised. I also feel like my elder family members e.g. mum, my grandma, aunties, seem to be in denial that they struggled or had difficult babies. But I guess they probably really did have a village back then whereas these days a lot of us move away from home and... Well, covid!

I was knackered and nothing came naturally.

@MuchTooTired

It was awful. I had ‘easy’ DTs who came with their own feeding schedule, but I was an absolute mess. I don’t think I really felt like their mother until they were 12 weeks or so, I was just a ball of anger and negative emotions, coupled with plenty of guilt and self loathing.

I hated myself for every single failing - ivf babies, elcs, not being able to bf. Horrible intrusive thoughts, couldn’t cope with the housework, had no idea WTF I was doing, my marriage was crumbling and I was so fucking tired I was amazed I’d not died and gained a whole new respect for my body because it just kept going. I was terrified of every single decision I made that it would be wrong and I’d permanently damage the children’s future, that I’d not bonded with them at all and would dread getting up the next day as I’d have to do it all again and I couldn’t cope with it.

I did seek MH support briefly, but the maternity team told me that because I wasn’t suicidal/a danger to the babies everything was fine so I plodded on. I ended up on ads when they were around 8 months old for pnd though - got to the point where I honestly felt I’d had a breakdown and knew I needed help.

Do you mind if I send you a virtual hug. I'm also a twin mum and you've pretty much described my experience too. I sincerely hope you're feeling better.

I felt just like you. And I had the same mixed feeding nightmare. It gets better, I promise.

No PND. I felt a mix of overwhelming love & extreme anxiety ( was convinced my child would be kidnapped , die of sids, our house would burn down etc ). I was sleep deprived for the first 10 weeks . I averaged 4-5 hours a night . I’m not an angry person but I had episodes of rage towards my husband. Breastfeeding was a nightmare the first 14 weeks but got much better after that . I was constantly crying over it . I was also the happiest I had ever been , so in love with my baby . He’s 2.5 now . I also have an 8 month old . It gets better . For me once he started sleeping better and breastfeeding got easier , I started to feel better ! That was around 3-4 months 😊

My baby just turned 4 months old. I only started bonding with her in the last few weeks. The first three months will boredom, guilt, shame, agony (struggled with breastfeeding horribly) more guilt and shame and utter utter exhaustion. And lots and lots of crying. It's better now although I do still have days where I struggle

@professionalnomad oh hun it sounds like you've had PND have you spoken to any professional about it? Xxx

With hindsight it's pretty clear I did. I live abroad so getting that sort of support isn't easy out here. I still struggle some days although it's generally getting easier