AIBU to ask how you felt for the first 3 mths of your baby's life?

[PerfectPrepPrincess]

For me it's been a mixed but heavy bag. Hell of a labour ending in EMCS with poor treatment in hospital, poor breastfeeding experience where we're still 'clinging on with thin lips' whilst mixed feeding that has lead to a very emotional number of weeks.

We've had some lovely times however and I'm over the moon with my baby.

But I'm constantly stressed over one thing or another baby wise, there is a deep seated current of mild sadness like a kind of grief... Not sure why it's there. I don't think it's PND, if it is it's very mild. I think I'm 'grieving' for the newborn weeks that have just disappeared as I've been 'consumed' by trying to get breastfeeding working (given up now, it is what it is).

How did you feel with yours? If you didn't have PND were you more than 50/75% happy and over the moon, or were you anxious, irritable and sleep deprived, what was it like for you?

Guilty, incapable, cheated, a failure. Sad. Jealous. Just emotionally desperate, on the verge of... I don't know what, probably a breakdown but feeling an enormous pressure to ride it out. That I hadn't just given birth, like it was happening to someone else.

All interspersed with snippets of hope.

Twins born 12+ weeks premature. By 3 months in, they still hadn't got to their due date.

My DC has just turned 3 and I'm pregnant again and due in a few months. I've enjoyed each stage of my DC's life more as they've come and she's gotten older. I'm apprehensive about going back into the trenches again soon eurgh.

If it's any comfort/hope I was absolutely dreading the first six months with DS2, thinking 'well, you know it's awful until then but you also know it's worth it in the end' and that I would have to endure. He's now 5 months and it's been such a different experience - I honestly suspected that people who said they like the newbie phase were lying before, whereas now I get it (even if it still isn't my favourite phase).

I really struggled with DC1 for the first 3 months. It was so difficult and I was so tired. Breastfeeding didn't work, then we realised he had a milk allergy. To be fair once he was on the right formula things improved but I do believe the newborn phase is to be endured rather than enjoyed.

DC2 is 6 weeks old now and I'm having a much better experience because I've given myself some slack. I'm doing whatever is needed to get through this first bit and putting myself under no pressure to enjoy it.

Beyond exhausted for the first 3 months. Labour was fine but kept for 8 days after for preeclampsia so was shattered before I even got home. DH then had surgery and couldn’t pick up the baby for the first 5 months of his life. No help from anybody else either.

Love my son more than anything but sleep deprivation is soul destroying. I remember my GP telling me at the 6 week check up that it’s much easier second time around and I couldn’t wrap my head around that because it was the lack of sleep that was killing me. She was right of course because I was more relaxed and used to caring for a baby when DS2 was born. Didn’t suffer from PND but the adjustment was tough first time around, as you said 50-75% happy.

It is 1000% easier when they sleep for longer stretches and you should see that happening soon. In hard times I remind myself that it is only a season and it will pass.

With my dd1 I had a poor labour experience and tough breastfeeding journey also. I was desperate to do it but just didn't work out so we combi fed and completely sacked off the bf at 4.5 months. I felt such a relief when I did and started to properly enjoy my baby. I loved her dearly from day 1 but felt everyday like I was just in survival mode and doing everything I needed to just get through each day. I feel robbed of her baby days.
My gp diagnosed PND 10 months pp and I put it down to labour and pressure to bf.
she is now 4.5yrs and an absolute delight and I enjoy every moment with her.

We now have dd2 who is 12 weeks. It's been totally different this time. I had a homebirth in the water and decided I would only bf if it worked for us both. She is a dream feeder and still ebf. Definitely put it down to positive birth experience and confidence in my own abilities.

You aren't alone op. Please talk about how you feel even if you think it might be mild. It gets easier!!

Knackered. Stressed. Overwhelmed. Lacking in maternal instinct tbh.

It gets better. I can barely get through the day without smothering DS in kisses now.

My 2 are in their 20s but I remember like it was yesterday. I felt terrified with dd. Not a clue what to do. I was the first of my siblings and my peers to have a baby. Over an above being utterly, utterly exhausted
(I lost a fair bit of blood but no one thought to give me iron tablets until I’d been home for a month🤦🏻‍♀️)
I was lacking in confidence and scared I was doing it all wrong. The only guidance I had was from my health visitor and the “Birth to 5” handbook from the nhs.
I was about 50/50 re happy. I was just overwhelmed by having a wee living breathing human that was my responsibility. Day 10 I cried and cried. My mum said it was baby blues and it’d go away when the hormones settle a bit. It took about 6 months for me to feel I could mostly cope with things. I probably had PND but not as much awareness in the early 90s I don’t think.
When my ds was born a few years later I was back to normal almost straight away.

In between all the difficulties I doted on both of them.
It’ll get easier.

Well, the first three months were not great. My LO had colic, silent reflux, tongue tie and didn't take to breastfeeding (which meant being in hospital for 4 days, on a busy ward, with building work happening from 7am, and only allowed to see my husband for 2 hours in the afternoon), as well as being a terrible sleeper. I felt like an absolute failure for being unable to breastfeed and comfort him when he cried. I didn't know what to do. I missed my old life. I felt that I'd made the biggest mistake of my life.

I was diagnosed with PND, PTSD and I frankly felt suicidal. The first couple of times I Ieft the house on my own I just wanted to run away or jump in front of the next car. There was one time that my son was inconsolable and all I could do was apologise to him for being a terrible mother while also in tears.

Luckily, friends of ours who'd become new parents the year before kidnapped us twice a week. We don't have family nearby/NC, so that was an absolute lifeline. I can never repay them for their kindness.

Now, 7 months down the line, I'm much happier and mentally stable. My LO is a joy most of the the time. Very inquisitive and funny. He sleeps much better now and no longer has colic or silent reflux. Plus, he's naturally begun his own routine. He can be a challenge at times, as he gets so easily-bored and frustrated by not being able to crawl or walk, but he is my world.

Can I ask the people who were happy after their first but struggled after their second, why do you think that was?

I was over the moon after I had DS, despite being overwhelmed and so tired that my brain was barely functioning. Now considering whether we should go for a second. I thought at least PND wasn't something I had to worry about, seeing as it was all so positive last time... But maybe I'm wrong!

Boured shitless, feeding, sleeping going for walks. Kid got more interesting after 3 months

Fucking awful. Beyond awful. Prem baby, weeks in hospital, lots of health worries, feeding problems, dangerously appalling sleep.

Improved a lot about 4/5 months when we got tongue tie diagnosed and snipped, digestive issues mostly resolved, the worst health fears were allayed and we sleep trained (yeah, at 5 months - so shoot me).

I had PND with dc2 and think this happened basically because I was so terrified it would be like DC1 again.

By the way OP have you had a qualified person check for tongue tie?

With DC1 - Overwhelmed, in pain from a badly healed episiotomy, lonely (so lonely), exhausted, terrified I’d do something wrong. He was a nightmare sleeper, breastfed constantly and only really napped briefly through the day so I couldn’t get anything done. I honestly thought I’d made the worst mistake of my life.

It was a bit easier with DC2 but not much - there wasn’t a huge age gap do although I was a bit more confident and less lonely it was Armageddon at times.

DC3 came along ten years later and it was a breeze

I think there’s so much pressure on women in the early days - no-one really prepares you for the fact that it can be awful.

@SallyAndI

Can I ask the people who were happy after their first but struggled after their second, why do you think that was?

I was over the moon after I had DS, despite being overwhelmed and so tired that my brain was barely functioning. Now considering whether we should go for a second. I thought at least PND wasn't something I had to worry about, seeing as it was all so positive last time... But maybe I'm wrong!

The closer the age gap the harder 2 is- when you have just one baby if they are up all night you can sleep during their day naps- if you have 2, 2 at home, when your youngest naps you are playing puzzles, building dens, making lunch- one of the reasons I went for a 3 yr age gap, with nursery days I could catch up on my sleep. Throw in some mother guilt about not spending enough time with either child- that’s why 2 is often a bigger shock.

Thanks OnlyFools, I couldn't even contemplate having a small gap, even a 3 year gap is unimaginably brave to me!

I can definitely see how the additional guilt of feeling like you're spreading yourself too thinly could wallop you in the early days when you're so hormonal, tired and vulnerable. Mother guilt can be crushing.

@minipie
By the way OP have you had a qualified person check for tongue tie? 😂 You're like the 10000th person to ask.... I believed the midwife at the hospital was qualified, she said there was none, GP Said there may be a mild one but no point snipping at 11 wks now I actually think baby has a recessed lower jaw...... But I'm not going down any more rabbit holes on this! Xxxx

Awful. In pain. Stressed. Anxious.

I believed the midwife at the hospital was qualified, she said there was none, GP Said there may be a mild one but no point snipping at 11 wks now

Yeah, I was told by the neonatal nurses and hospital BF counsellor that there wasn’t a tie… there was… DD’s was snipped at about 14 weeks and made a huge difference. We had to see a private lactation consultant to get it diagnosed. Up to you though!

Anxious, happy, trying to survive, absolutely devastated that I didn't get more help. Amazed by the behaviour of DH, can't see him in a different light since.

Also was constantly thinking I can't believe there's no more money put into post natal care. Couldn't believe the guilt over bfeeding.

My baby is 13 and a bit weeks, thought it would be easier/I'd be happier by now but it still just doesn't feel good even though I love her to pieces.

Don't know if it's postnatal depression/anxiety or just the fact I can't put her down (not even in a pram or carrier/sling so can barely leave the house)

My thoughts have raced for 3 months... could something be 'wrong' with her and should I be doing something about it or is it just fourth trimester stuff that she'll grow out of. Starting to look like it's not the latter!

Message me if you want someone with similar age baby to chat to, promise I'm not all doom and gloom

@newmum0604 thank you xx Do you mean you can't put her down just for naps or for awake periods like going for a walk /car ride/ bouncer etc? Xx

I swing from being deliriously happy to sat on the kitchen floor crying eating a bowl of Frosties.

Swung**

She's 4 now, the crying eating Frosties doesn't happen quite as often

1st? Tired, bored and like I’d ruined my life?!?!

I had no friends with babies and lived in a flat in a very young part of London. Oh and he didn’t sleep AT ALL.

Subsequent?

I lived in a nice friendly market town and had babies that slept. I felt about a million times better 🤣

Thanks everyone. I really thinking the crux of the feelings is probably stemming from sleep deprivation over months! Slightly better night last night and I feel so much more positive! Lack of sleep really hampers your resilience to worries and anxieties! I think you all replying helped to so thank you, makes you feel more normal and not depressed just going through the normal motions xx

Can I ask the people who were happy after their first but struggled after their second, why do you think that was?

In my case the reason was sleep deprivation. DC1 had been a brilliant sleeper, which is why we went for a close age gap of just under 2 years. However, his sleep deteriorated during my pregnancy and didn't improve until he had his adenoids taken out aged 3! My OH dealt with all his wake ups once DC2 was born, so I only had to take care of my newborn during the night. But I found the fact that I had a 2 year old who was a terrible sleeper unbelievably depressing. I felt it would never get better and DC2 would keep me awake for 2+ years as well. I just didn't have any hope of not feeling completely and utterly exhausted over the coming years.
I was also job hunting and didn't have a clue what to do with 2 small kids and feeling exhausted.

I think the whole set of circumstances around the birth of a baby are completely unique and there is no telling how hard you will find it. I don't think it's the close age gap in itself, it's a lot of work but also has a lot of advantages.