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Original poster

Giving up work - how to get over it

40 replies

squiddylama · 05/07/2021 11:47

DS is 2 for the last 18 months DH has been looking after him whilst working from home (he can work flexi hours and is currently performing best in the centre - back office at a bank). Today we have been told that come September (not a fixed date yet) he will be expected to go back to the office for 1/2 days a week on a rotational basis (won't find out which day it is until the week before).
I have been back at work for a year, I'm in a good position but am paid less than DH for context I am a manager of a large team he is (as he calls it!!!) a minion. I hated being at home it drove me crazy during mat leave and my mental health suffered.
We have three problems here 1. We cannot afford to put DS in nursery. It will take all of my salary away so there is no point at all. 2. We have issues about where to put him in nursery/childminder. Both DH and I work about 1hr 40min drive from home. I cover multiple sites so don't know where I will be and also work more hours e.g 8 till 6. If we put DS in a childcare setting near work then that means if DH isn't in then he will have to drive 1hr 40 each way just to drop him off and pick him up and if we put him somewhere nearer home we are a big distance from him if anything were to happen and finally 3. We can't find anywhere that would take him at the moment!

I just need a rant I suppose. I know in my heart that I should give up my job as DH brings home more money but I'm sad that I will become unemployed again. We can just about live off DH wage but will be very very tight and there we will probably have to return a car and massively reduce our food bill!!

Also as a side note I know we've done really well with DH looking after DS for this long. I understand we've been lucky we also understand that the arrangement wasn't going to last forever. Our issue is the uncertainty around days e.g finding out on Friday he is in on Monday and Tuesday etc. To add to this we also have dog issues!!!!!!

Ahhhhh

OP posts:
Ninkanink · 05/07/2021 11:52

There absolutely is a point even if it does take up all your salary for a few years! That point is that a) you want to work, b) your mental health suffers when you’re at home so it’s much more sensible to keep working and c) long-term you will be in a much better and more secure position financially if you stay in employment.

PotteringAlong · 05/07/2021 11:54

I would carry on working and look for a job closer to home. You will be better off in the long term financially and in the short term mentally.

Can your DH put an (in)flexible working request in asking for set days?

Treehaus · 05/07/2021 11:57

Look for a job closer to home? Look into childminders as they tend to be cheaper? See if DH can negotiate having the same days in office every week?

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2 year olds Families General parenting
mayblossominapril · 05/07/2021 11:58

Can your DH ask for fixed days due to parental responsibility? If it was a woman you’d go and asked please can I have fixed days. They may say no but if they say yes you can then book child and dog care for two days a week.
You may find someone who would be a nanny on a flexible basis for two days a week. Probably not someone highly qualified though.
He is old enough at 2 for preschool and breakfast and after school club.

Ninkanink · 05/07/2021 11:58

Yes I agree your DH should see if he can have the same day/s at home.

NuffSaidSam · 05/07/2021 11:58

'It will take all of my salary away so there is no point at all'

This is not true (the bit about there being no point).

You hated being at home and your mental health suffered - if continuing working will make you happier and healthier then there is a point to working (even if for no financial gain). That's a massive factor in your life, in your DC's life, for your marriage etc.

Secondly, if you have a job you enjoy and there is possibility of promotion etc. it can be worth the short term financial hardship to continue on in that job and reap the rewards down the line.

Thirdly, it gives you a second income so if DH list his job/became ill etc. you have your income to fall back on.

DH needs to talk to his work and explain the problem and say he needs regular days. He surely can't be the only person this impacts? Other people who work there must also have similar problems.

Look at all the childcare possibilities/combinations and ways to save money with each of them. Look at any help you're entitled to.

Bluntness100 · 05/07/2021 12:00

Well it doesn’t take all your salary does it, you pay half equally and it’s only for a short period till your free hours kick in, then school. So just get the child care sorted, it’s an adjustment but like millions of other parents you can do it,

PotteringAlong · 05/07/2021 12:00

Remember tax free childcare will save you 20%

LakeShoreD · 05/07/2021 12:02

It may not make much financial sense now but the cost of childcare decreases as they get older because of the ratios, once your DC is 3 you will get the 15 free hours, then they’ll be in school and you’ll only need wrap around care. The financial drain is only temporary so don’t give up a good job that you enjoy doing lightly. Fine if you want to be SAHP, I have nothing but respect for those that do, but speaking from my experience of being an expat trailing spouse, it’s soul destroying when it’s not what you want to be doing. I’d personally choose a childcare setting near home and look for a childminder as they’re likely to be more flexible than a nursery if you get delayed commuting.

CelestialGalaxy · 05/07/2021 12:02

Why if it's a rota would it be so last minute?
1hr 40 mins is a long way from a place of work has he always done this commute?

Bluntness100 · 05/07/2021 12:02

We used a child minder, you just get into a routine. Child minders are more flexible in my experience.

TorringtonDean · 05/07/2021 12:04

Rotating days are a nightmare for childcare - I think he’s entitled to ask to fix them. Other people will probably want to fix theirs too. Is he able to do all the childcare plus working on the other days? I can’t imagine that will continue as your child gets older. Pre-school might be the answer.

PotteringAlong · 05/07/2021 12:08

You will also get 30 free hours when they are 3 which reduces the cost.

BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 05/07/2021 12:09

if DH isn't in then he will have to drive 1hr 40 each way just to drop him off and pick him up

Or he just keeps him home with him?

BuffySummersReportingforSanity · 05/07/2021 12:12

What everyone else said.

Why are you both working so far away from home? Can that change? Long term, that's going to kill you.

Also, you are not working for nothing. You are working not to be miserable stuck at home. Why do women consider this not to be important?! You matter. If the money is roughly the same either way, you being at work and happier is far, far, far the better solution.

The two of you need to work together to adjust your mutual circumstances and make this work.

Original poster
squiddylama · 05/07/2021 12:12

@BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz

if DH isn't in then he will have to drive 1hr 40 each way just to drop him off and pick him up

Or he just keeps him home with him?

We'd still have to pay for the childcare though even if he didn't go for the day
OP posts:
Marblessolveeverything · 05/07/2021 12:13

For the good of your career - progression, pension, etc alone a way needs to be found to figure this out. Ideally start researching a child minder - this removes the travel barriers you and your husband have and gives flexibility. Secondly consider half the cost of childminder against your wage not the full amount. Wouldn't it be better to be living on a tight income with the benefit of work for you? A happy, fulfilled parent will always be of more benefit to a child. Both ways are going to be hard - but one way gives you a chance to balance your needs alongside the practicalities of life. Best of luck in your decision - i hope it works out for you.

Original poster
squiddylama · 05/07/2021 12:14

@BuffySummersReportingforSanity

What everyone else said.

Why are you both working so far away from home? Can that change? Long term, that's going to kill you.

Also, you are not working for nothing. You are working not to be miserable stuck at home. Why do women consider this not to be important?! You matter. If the money is roughly the same either way, you being at work and happier is far, far, far the better solution.

The two of you need to work together to adjust your mutual circumstances and make this work.

We were closer. We went from an 40 min commute to a much longer one as we had to move and couldn't afford the area. We have been looking closer to home however up until Friday DH was told he wouldn't be returning to the office at all and as I travel all over it wasn't a big shock!

Thank you though. I know I matter I'm just frustrated

OP posts:
BookShark · 05/07/2021 12:14

But surely your DH can't work from home and care for DS at the same time - no employer would allow that (I know they have been, but that was presumably temporary because of Covid). So you'll need childcare regardless - and then maybe ask for some flexibility to facilitate drop off times (e.g. condensed hours).

BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 05/07/2021 12:15

We'd still have to pay for the childcare though even if he didn't go for the day

I know. The childcare is paid for anyway - but it saves the little one 3h20mins in the car without needing to do so. And fuel costs.

TheDevils · 05/07/2021 12:15

There absolutely is a point even if it does take up all your salary for a few years! That point is that a) you want to work, b) your mental health suffers when you’re at home so it’s much more sensible to keep working and c) long-term you will be in a much better and more secure position financially if you stay in employment.

Exactly what I was going to say.

Original poster
squiddylama · 05/07/2021 12:19

@BookShark

But surely your DH can't work from home and care for DS at the same time - no employer would allow that (I know they have been, but that was presumably temporary because of Covid). So you'll need childcare regardless - and then maybe ask for some flexibility to facilitate drop off times (e.g. condensed hours).
At the moment they are able to work flexibly e.g can work from 7-9 then again from 1-4 then again in the evening so fits around DS naps etc
OP posts:
DoYouRememberTheInnMiranda · 05/07/2021 12:20

I do wonder if the random rota is maybe even to prevent people from looking after kids when they're meant to be working - if your DH does put on a flexible working request I think it'd be more successful if it was presented as being needed to take child to childcare / pick them up, not because they would both be at home together all-day with no other childcare.

Original poster
squiddylama · 05/07/2021 12:29

@DoYouRememberTheInnMiranda

I do wonder if the random rota is maybe even to prevent people from looking after kids when they're meant to be working - if your DH does put on a flexible working request I think it'd be more successful if it was presented as being needed to take child to childcare / pick them up, not because they would both be at home together all-day with no other childcare.
Apparently it is because some people won't want to go in on just set days and would like to mix it up every week Hmm
OP posts:
Chelyanne · 05/07/2021 12:51

Do you plan on having more children? If so you need to factor that in your planning. You could try looking at other jobs that could work better around your child. School term after their 3rd birthday they do get free nursery time, 15 hours for all and 30 for lower income families which is helpful.

I became a sahm when childcare costs were going to take up all my wages, dh is military so not able to share childcare due to the nature of his job. I had family help with childcare when I did work so that I only had to pay for 1.5 days of nursery a week. I missed working initially but it's been over a decade now, we've had more children and I wouldn't change it.