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Parenting

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Original poster

Giving up work - how to get over it

40 replies

squiddylama · 05/07/2021 11:47

DS is 2 for the last 18 months DH has been looking after him whilst working from home (he can work flexi hours and is currently performing best in the centre - back office at a bank). Today we have been told that come September (not a fixed date yet) he will be expected to go back to the office for 1/2 days a week on a rotational basis (won't find out which day it is until the week before).
I have been back at work for a year, I'm in a good position but am paid less than DH for context I am a manager of a large team he is (as he calls it!!!) a minion. I hated being at home it drove me crazy during mat leave and my mental health suffered.
We have three problems here 1. We cannot afford to put DS in nursery. It will take all of my salary away so there is no point at all. 2. We have issues about where to put him in nursery/childminder. Both DH and I work about 1hr 40min drive from home. I cover multiple sites so don't know where I will be and also work more hours e.g 8 till 6. If we put DS in a childcare setting near work then that means if DH isn't in then he will have to drive 1hr 40 each way just to drop him off and pick him up and if we put him somewhere nearer home we are a big distance from him if anything were to happen and finally 3. We can't find anywhere that would take him at the moment!

I just need a rant I suppose. I know in my heart that I should give up my job as DH brings home more money but I'm sad that I will become unemployed again. We can just about live off DH wage but will be very very tight and there we will probably have to return a car and massively reduce our food bill!!

Also as a side note I know we've done really well with DH looking after DS for this long. I understand we've been lucky we also understand that the arrangement wasn't going to last forever. Our issue is the uncertainty around days e.g finding out on Friday he is in on Monday and Tuesday etc. To add to this we also have dog issues!!!!!!

Ahhhhh

OP posts:

mindutopia · 05/07/2021 12:56

It sounds like - issues with finding a nursery aside - continuing to work is the best possible solution. So what if your salary is completely eaten up by nursery? At the end of the month, you'll still be in the same financial position as if you gave up work - but you'll not be stuck and home and you'll be happier.

And this is a temporary issue. In a year and a half, he'll get 30 funded hours and you'll be paying significantly less. Have you also taken into account tax free childcare, which you can use now? This will reduce your expenses by 20%. It all sounds like a win-win for me.

I was in a similar position when I had my first. Childcare costs were the same as my monthly salary. A few years later, I took a new job, making twice what I was making before. I'm now on about 3x that. It was very worth continuing to progress my career in those years, even when the financial payoff was not immediate. I'm reaping the benefits of it now.

Fitforforty · 05/07/2021 13:31

Can he request to have set days and set days for the people who want them and everyone else can go on a rota.

I’m a sahm and if I was you I would be keeping my job - you enjoy it, you don’t want to be a home and they will pay into your pension pot.

Have you looked into funded hours - 30 hours for some at 2 yrs and 15 hours for all at 3 yrs (both term time only) but tax free child free childcare.

CelestialGalaxy · 05/07/2021 13:43

Out of curiosity, have you seen the emails from his work saying it is random because people want to 'mix it up' I'm guessing none are parents if that's the case? Or the emails saying it will be short notice? Regardless of what your OH says get him to put in an official request around childcare and make sure you see it before it goes in. I got fobbed off by ex not wanting to disrupt his day and claiming they would turn him down for this reason or that, but you never know until you have made a formal request.

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mistermagpie · 05/07/2021 13:46

There is never no point in putting a child in nursery. At one point I had three in nursery so you can imagine the cost and yes it does wipe out your salary, but they aren't in nursery forever!

Pay the nursery and keep your job. It gets hugely easier financially when they get funding from age three, so it's only a tiny amount of time you are talking about. Getting a decent job is so much harder once you have had a break for a few years.

ivfgottwins · 05/07/2021 13:48

Well what was your plan before covid effectively worked in your favour?

Personally 1hr40 min commutes with children are unsustainable? I know you said you moved because you couldn't afford it but you must have been affording it to live there in the first place?

Childminders are generally 1/3 cheaper than nurseries and are more flexible on hours and days

Branleuse · 05/07/2021 13:55

i think it would be a mistake to take a career break that you dont want.

starfishmummy · 05/07/2021 13:58

I know you said your dh can work flexibly so works during childs naps but is that going to continue - naps will get shorter and disappear completely at some point!!

And hebshould definitely talk to his employer and colleagues about fixed office days. He might find others want them too. Or he makes a strong case about why he is not needed in the office at all.

Original poster

squiddylama · 05/07/2021 14:10

@ivfgottwins

Well what was your plan before covid effectively worked in your favour?

Personally 1hr40 min commutes with children are unsustainable? I know you said you moved because you couldn't afford it but you must have been affording it to live there in the first place?

Childminders are generally 1/3 cheaper than nurseries and are more flexible on hours and days

We were renting the rent kept going up and with a dog and cat in the mix finding a new place was very difficult. With the money we had saved behind us we were in the position to buy and with help from a recent inheritance and family we had enough for a deposit we went from paying over £1000 a month to just £600 with the mortgage. I didn't go back to work until DH office put out they were unlikely to go back to the office and if they did it would be once a month (I could take holiday etc). Our plan was to try and get him to 3 and then claim the 30 hours and pop him somewhere then we also have family who work part time so could've had him if needed part of the day if he got too much!

OP posts:

Original poster

squiddylama · 05/07/2021 14:11

@CelestialGalaxy

They are in writing (I did wonder at first!!).

Argument is that lots of people may not want to come in on a Monday and Thursday for example so by moving it up it gives people a bit of variety!

OP posts:

CelestialGalaxy · 05/07/2021 14:29

@squiddylama well that's good, but it doesn't preclude him from wanting to work specific days, even if he doesnt get to work those days, or asking for the rota to be set a month in advance, they are not unreasonable asks.
Your lad is going to be 3 in a year, it's one year of the most hassle and compromises, don't give up, you can find a way and keep your independence.
Don't leave finding the childcare provider for when he turns 3 until last minute!

SD1978 · 05/07/2021 14:34

As the current main career of your child, he can request to out in an inflexible flexible request, to request set office days due to childcare requirements, same as any other main parental career can. If I was him, I'd be doing this ASAP, and ensuring that if he is initially told no, to continue to escalate it as high as he can, same as any female caregiver could and would. There may be unin, or fair work rulings, guidelines he could also look at

NoSquirrels · 05/07/2021 14:42

For 1-2 days a week I would be making DH fix his in-office days, if that was not possible (but he needs to be prepared to fight like a woman would have to in similar circumstances) I would be looking at my own employment and seeing if a flexible working request or fixed days on particular sites was possible, and I would be looking for a childminder who may have some flex in their system for shift-working parents.

Do not give up yet. This is fixable.

NoSquirrels · 05/07/2021 14:43

I’d also perhaps look at job-hunting for either/both of you. If your DH is doing really well then he’s an asset to his employer. Is there anything closer available to cut the commute?

Notaroadrunner · 05/07/2021 14:52

Do not give up your job. You're playing a long game here. Childcare will cost a lot in the short term but once they go to school things ease off and more of your joint salaries will be freed up for other outgoings/savings. Don't consider it 'your salary' being eaten up. You will both be paying for childcare, not just you.

Notaroadrunner · 05/07/2021 14:55

Also, unless family have genuinely offered help, don't ever assume they will help mind your dc after school. If they work part time they may not want to spend their free time minding kids. You need to look at your finances for the next couple of years to factor in childcare and then factor in paid childcare once dc starts school for afterschool. If at that time a relative offers to mind dc, happy days, but don't think it's a given that they will. And even if they do you'd probably still need to pay them.

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