I’ve totally lost my way with naps and sleep - please help

[orangebuttons]

My DS was a really good sleeper and self-settler until about the age of 10 months, but since then he’s been very difficult. At first I thought it was a phase but he’s now 14 months so it’s been going on for a while. I’ve no idea what to do or where I’m going wrong.

Some days he will go down fine, but other days (probably about 80% of them) he will cry and cry when put down for a nap or for bed at night. Sometimes the crying will go on for an hour or two with me going in and out to cuddle and comfort him, until he eventually goes to sleep.

We do have a routine but it’s not set in stone, as I never wake him when he’s asleep, I always let him wake up naturally - which obviously varies his nap and bed times. Our rough routine is something like this:

Wake: about 8.30am
Nap: 11am-12.30pm
Bed: 6pm if he doesn’t have a 30 minute afternoon nap in his pram; 7-7.30pm if he does. He generally then takes an hour or two to get to sleep at night.

Why is he so difficult to get to sleep these days and where am I going wrong? It’s really starting to affect me mentally and grind me down, as I dread the battle I know I’ll face every nap and bed time.

If anyone can give any advice I would be so grateful, as I’m really struggling.

@orangebuttons sorry, 20 months, not 29!

I think a nap at 11 when they have only woken up at 8:30 is far too early.
My DS wakes roughly about 7:30am and goes for his nap about 12-12:30ish.
He’s a bit older than your child but he’s been in that rough routines for a few months now

@orangebuttons

Possibly, but I’d say he gets about 12.5 hours of sleep at night plus 1.5-2 hours of naps, which I thought was the right amount at this age? I also thought their wake windows at this age were meant to be about 5 hours maximum - is that not right?

Also when I took him up for a nap earlier he did seem tired - he was quite cranky and rubbing his eyes.

It’s now 12 and he’s just fallen asleep!

The nhs says at this age they need a total of 11 to 14 hours sleep. I agree with a PP that he is just probably not tired.

I would think he woke early from today's nap because he wasn't tired enough, he hadn't been awake long enough to warrant a 2 hour nap. I aim for this routine when on one nap:

7am wake
1-3 nap
7pm bed

Thanks @ohthejoysoftoddler - that sounds like the kind of routine I’d like to get into.

He woke at 12.45pm today so I’ll skip the afternoon nap, aim to put him to bed at 6.30/6.45 tonight and see what happens…

@orangebuttons I think you figure out what type of sleep you want, then aim for that. Do you prefer the 8am wake up, or is a night to yourself more important? Then split up the day accordingly. So either a 1.5- 2 hour nap in the middle, or 2 45 minutes at a third/ 3 third points (I would go for 1, as it heads that way for his age soon anyway).

When youve decided what you're ideal would be, go for it and be prepared for a week of sucky naps and a bit of crying, but stick to it. Wake him up at that time, keep him awake until his nap, wake him up if his nap goes over, and put him to bed at the time you've decided. I honestly believe that if you persevere for a week with MOST kids (not all, I know), if is appropriate age wise, they fit to you rather quickly.

Sounds like he's been ready for 1 nap for a while if he's been like this since 10 months. I started putting DD down for 1 afternoon nap at 11 months. She'd been super fussy for over a month at that point where she'd been ready, but I hadn't realised it yet. Her sleep instantly changed for the better. She's now 22 months, and the fussiness is starting up again, so I think it won't be long until she drops her nap completely.

KnobJockey is right. Decide which is better for you: Late wake ups, but less of the evening to yourself, or evenings without a baby, but early mornings. I chose the former, and DD's sleep schedule looks like:

~8.30am Wake up
1-1.30pm Nap time
3-4pm Wake up
8-9pm Bed time

Times can vary wildly depending on if she's poorly or teething or growth spurt or she's being a toddler. But, it works for her, and for us.

Thanks everyone. I’d prefer an early morning and an evening to myself, as I’m an early riser anyway.

The only thing is, I hate waking him when he’s asleep and usually let him sleep for as long as he wants (unless we’ve got to be somewhere). Will I have to ditch that approach if I want better sleep?

Its probably an idea to limit nap times. I never let any of mine sleep past 2.30 as toddlers. DS3 is 23 months and I wake him at 2pm as he wouldn't sleep otherwise. Maybe 90 minutes or so. It's a bit of trial and error with naps as it's a constantly moving goal post.

He’s just gone into his cot at 6.50, so has been awake 6 hours and should be tired. I will let you know how it goes!

He was quiet for 10 mins or so but has just started crying. Honestly I give up. Just desperately need an evening to myself

My dd wakes about 7am she may have a nap in the afternoon at childminders but never for me unless in car and nap will be 40mins max.. she goes to sleep by 7pm after a bath. She's done this from about 12months old.. I have not stressed over naps as she's always gone to bed ok. If she doesn't have a nap she's straight to sleep.. she did used to wake up about midnight but a couple days of cry it out and she's always back to sleeping straight through.

Oh no, did he settle back off?

As awful as it is you might also need to wake him in the morning. Maybe ease yourself in with a 7.30 wake!

@orangebuttons

Thanks everyone. I’d prefer an early morning and an evening to myself, as I’m an early riser anyway.

The only thing is, I hate waking him when he’s asleep and usually let him sleep for as long as he wants (unless we’ve got to be somewhere). Will I have to ditch that approach if I want better sleep?

Yes. Yes you do. It pained my husband and me so much we bought a white noise machine that turns the noise off and changes the soft red light to a bright white light at 06:30 in the morning and at the end of nap time. That way we can’t be tempted to say ‘oh, yesterday was a bad day or the night was hard, lets let him have an hour more…’ the first few weeks will be hard and he will be overtired for a bit, but it will pay off. I genuinely thought my DS was un-routineable. But a solid month of sticking to the plan paid off.

@AliceW89 it’s not that I let him sleep because I want more “me time” or lie ins - I don’t want to wake him because I hate being woken when I’m asleep, so I’m sure he does too!

Well you know your son best? I’m not sure what you want people to say to be honest. I never implied you were in it for me time - if you feel a bit more structure and predictability would be good for your son and stop the hours of drama at bedtime, waking him at a set time every morning would probably be a sensible start. But if you don’t mind your situation caring on (you never know, he might sort it out himself) then let him sleep to whenever he wants. There is no right or wrong, just options for you to consider x

@orangebuttons - could you just gradually wake him if needed?
If mine is napping too late ie some days it all goes pearshape and he only falls asleep at like 3pm, then at 4pm I just open his door fully, open curtains a bit and potter around upstairs. So he wakes up over 5mins at his own pace.

@AliceW89 thanks and sorry - I didn’t mean to come across as snappy or anything. I’m genuinely not sure if I need to wake him at set times or not in order to tackle the current issues, that’s all.

@Caspianberg that sounds like a really gentle approach, thank you for the idea

I always have to wake DD (16m) from naps and often in the morning, too. I hate doing it, but if I don’t she’s up for hours in the night. And if she’s up for hours she will then happily sleep late into the morning and it becomes a vicious cycle. So even after a bad night I wake her.

From looking at your original routine your DS didn’t seem to have enough awake time. I work on DD needing around 11 hours awake in 24, and 13 hours asleep - it’s just what she’s always gravitated towards. So I calculate night sleep and naps from that. So recently she is often sleeping 12 hours overnight so I limit her nap to less than an hour, otherwise she would be up all night.

I would start by waking your DS the next morning, no matter what happens overnight, and then go from there.

I think id push the morning nap to 1200 - 1400ish, then have bedtime at 7.30ish.

I honestly think he just isnt that tired when you're trying to put him down.

I would also add I make sure to do one outdoor activity everyday so he's tired. It might be going to the park, going for a walk in the woods. Essentially anything where he'll run around for a bit. I find that really helps.

He went to bed at about 7.45 last night and woke at 7.15 this morning. I’m going to try keeping him up till 11.15ish? Or would you try 12?

I think the important thing is making sure he is full - food, milk. To help him sleep. DD used to have a fairly early lunch and then I’d have mine whilst she slept.

Personally id do early lunch at 1130ish and a nap soon after