Dealing with all childcare on my own with partner at home

[Motherofking]

I love being a mum to My 13 month old bar I feel drained . My partner does the bare minimum when it comes to the baby. Alot of the times I'm okay with doing it alone because I'm very hands on and have gotten used to it but I have moments where I get frustrated dealing with night wakings , teething , watching our son during the day etc and need a bit more support . I express this to him all the time and when I say I'm tired and need help I get told ' there's single mums out there that do everything .' ' there's poor mums in Africa with no electricity that manage to get on with things ' ' you need to accept your responsibility of being a mother .' ' if I wasn't here how would you shower or eat ' . At first these comments would make me feel guilty because I understand other mums may have it harder than me but It doesn't change the fact that I'm struggling mentally with dealing with everything alone. Our baby had his jabs yesterday so has had a fever and also has a tooth cutting through so is very fussy and crying alot on top of that I have exams to prepare for . All I did was ask for some support because I'm exhausted and I got shut down and was told I moan alot and ' what are you doing differently that other mums don't do' I burst into tears at that point and I'm just hurt . I know I don't have postpartum depression , I just need more support . I just want the privilege of knowing that if I've been up most of the night with the baby that he could watch him in the morning so I can catch up on sleep , or if I feel like having a nice bath or washing my hair once a week I can leave the baby with him in another room to do so , or when I've had a long exhausted day I can have a little rest even for 30 mins. He's not working at the moment due to health related issues however I work my ass all day alone. The most he does is play a few games when our son is in a good mood . When he's out of the house it feels no different to when he's at home as I do 100% of the child care . Im not asking for him to give our son milk , change his nappies or feed him , I wish he would but I've given up on that battle a long time ago just got on with things . I just want to not be exhausted when he's home all the time and want those little privileges I mentioned above but when I bring that up I get those comparison comments and no support . I don't know what to do anymore I am trying to get on with things and just a good mother but mentally I'm slowly breaking

Get rid of him to fuck. What's the point in being in a relationship with him. He sounds totally useless. What's your housing/financial situation? Can you afford to get out and set up home with yourself and your dc?

First of all he's a nasty fucking prick.

It's emotional abuse is what he is doing. It isn't just comments, it's abuse.

You shouldn't even have to ask him to change your child's nappy let alone feed your child.

You're doing amazing and honestly you're doing it all by yourself.

You should think about this relationship and see him for what he is. If I were you, I'd leave.

He's contributing nothing. And is completely happy with that. He's told you who he is. The question is, who are you?

Are you a mug who will do everything and allow him to treat you like shit forever?

Are you a woman capable of doing it alone without a dead weight hanging off you?

Your bloke is an asshole. I had the single mum comment from my partner once my reply was I don't know but looks like im about to find out. Or I said I dunno you let me know how stay at home dads do it because im out.

You sound like a lovely mum and your baby is lucky to have you. Unfortunately your husband sounds a lazy twat.

@notaroadrunner I do get benefits so I guess I could get a hostel for now and apply for housing if I chose to leave but I keep hoping things will get better so I'm trying to make things work

@CupOfTPlease thanks I wasn't aware this was emotional abuse

Why would you leave? Why can't he?

@MrsTerryPratchett the flat belongs to him I moved in before I got pregnant so it would make sense for me to leave if I was to leave

Oh dear. You need a plan. Absolutely try talking to Women's Aid, Shelter, the Council (but only after you've had good advice about what to say to them).

I'd be pointing out there's Dads out there who actually want to be involved in their kids lives and do stuff with them and those who cba to be decent partners make do with weekend access.

What would he say if you said that dads should look after their DC too, it is a joint responsibility not just a mum’s?

Looking after a baby is about parenting.
Both parents are fully available and at home.
His comments about your mothering therefore apply to him

He seems to be adding nothing to yours and Dc life except making you miserable which is probably using up your last bit of energy.

Apart from leaving him the advice i would offer.... you sound a bit moany and non specific and he is clueless/doesn't care/is a manchild. So i think the only think you have left to try is to stop asking for 'support' and start asking for specific things. He doesn't know what support is and cannot be bothered to find out. This weekend could you help give me a break by taking DD out to the shops and getting ingredients for a meal and then preparing it-friday, saturday or sunday which ever suits. Could you iron for an hour whilst watching football sunday to help break the back of the ironing pile. If i do the kitchen and vac and mop downstairs would you run it round upstairs and do the bathroom. Could you take dc over to your parents for a visit so i can have some time
To myself. Specifics.

This is not a partnership, you need to leave otherwise your son will grow up and think your relationship is normal and how you should treat your partner. He sounds totally useless, what is he actually bringing to this relationship? Those 'mums in Africa' he likes to bang on about (stereotypically much?) likely have a LOT of family and neighbourly support, it takes a village to raise a child and all that. You're not meant to do this in isolation with zero support, that would be shit.

@cauliflowerkorma thanks I will try that alot more I used to but I stopped but maybe I will try it again . Ive been specific at times and i would ask for him to watch our son so I can go have a shower he will say 'not now I'm busy I'll watch him next week' . I even remember one time when our son was younger I was up most of the night and in the morning i heard him awake and I basically begged him to take our son for a bit so I can sleep for an hour and he said he can't because he's busy and I went to see what he was doing he was having breakfast whilst playing Xbox . Even when our son was younger I chose to ebf but bought formula so he could do one feed a day and he only did one and refused to do the rest . This is probably why I sound so moany and go on about being tired and needing support because when I have been specific it's not worked so a part of me hopes that if he sees I need his help he will understand but he doesn't seem to care

How can any normal person when asked to watch their own child whilst the other person has a shower say that they are too busy and they will do it next week?

What would he do if you put the baby in the room he is in and you went and had a shower?

What are the health reasons stopping him from working?

What was he like before you had the baby? He sounds like a useless piece of work.

I agree it might not work as he doesn't actually sound like he cares about you or your well being. Or about being a team or a partnership.

But to do drastic action and leave for a happy life you need to feel you tried everything. So i'd give this one last shot.

I'd also beg less and plead less. You know what is fair and right and being told your shower can wait a day or two is not acceptable. This needs to become a statement not a question. Open door for Dc into lounge-go to daddy. Mummy is off for a quick shower. Close door walk away quickly lock bathroom door turn on water and ignore all huffing and puffing.

Dont iron his clothes or go out of your way to do things he could do for himself when je is home all day.

He said you have to accept your rapidity of being a mother?? What about his responsibility of being a dad??

He's a lazy, nasty, selfish bellend. Kick him out. He brings nothing to your life.

Responsibility not rapidity! Thanks, autocorrect.

He's an arsehole and he isn't going to change. Speak to women's aid and shelter and see what kind of housing you can get.

At least if you're not living with him, you won't be picking up after him too.

First things first, you need support and help NOW.

Call your health visitor and tell them what you’ve told us, tell them that you now know you’re in an abusive relationship and you need help to get out and ask them how they can support this

Does your husband own his flat? Speak to a solicitor about divorce and see what they’re going to suggest

Posted too soon

This is not anything you’ve done, this is not your fault, your husband is an awful man and it wouldn’t matter what you did or said or whatever, he’d always have turned out like this

He’s vile.

And most importantly he will NEVER change. If you allow your son to see him and spend unlimited time with him, your son could grow up thinking that this is the way you treat your mum, or other women

Do this for your little boy, do this for you. Get this awful creature out of your lives.

(((Huge hug)))

He's a dick!

My husband is military and has to work away from home most of the time. I am a sahm and used to just coping on my own with 5 kids and another due Aug. I have to remind dh that he's not on holiday when he is home as he gets settled enjoying down time, he does help out if asked to but it does annoy me that he has to be asked.

@Chelyanne I'm amazed you are having a 6th child with someone who won't do his fair share without being asked