Is it unreasonable to want in laws to have DC at theirs

[Arena5]

I’m currently on maternity leave and my in laws like to see my DD on average twice a week. A short visit tends to be 2 hours and a long visit about 4 hours. I personally find it quite draining to make conversation for this long when I’m shattered anyway as baby doesn’t sleep well at all. And whilst I suppose I could technically go rest and leave them to it in another room I find it quite awkward to do so and wouldn’t relax very well anyway. Sometimes I use the time to run errands etc but there’s only so long you can hang outside of your own house when you have people who are staying put for that length of time (particularly when it was full lockdown and nothing was open). To try and change up the dynamic I’ve tried to encourage them to have DD at theirs so I can actually have a break but there’s often a reason given as to why it’d be more convenient at ours etc.

So do you think it’d be reasonable to either more assertively set out that DD will go to theirs when they want to see her or to cut the visits at ours shorter by having ‘plans’ that we need to leave for.

Btw I’m not suggesting that they can’t visit here but I just think there needs to be a bit more give and take. So if they don’t want to have her at theirs then no problem but perhaps they have shorter visits rather than say the current 2-4 hour visits twice a week when it’s just me and my partners in work.

If it was the other way around I wouldn’t expect my partner to sit there with my parents whilst I was in work for that long.

Do you think this sounds reasonably or a bit controlling/unwelcoming? Happy to have honest opinions.

2 to 4 hours twice a week is way too much. Firstly I would knock it on the head and go for once.

That would drive me insane

What are their reasons? How did you approach it?

I think 4 hours in the day is too long though. Are you having to feed them too? How old is baby?

Also is it planned or do they just turn up?

I think it sounds a bit unwelcoming. They want to see your daughter but they might not want sole responsibility of her in their home. Maybe they just want to see her but not to provide childcare

This used to drive me nuts with my ILs. DH would be at work and they would just turn up and want to spend all day at mine. I don't think you are at all unreasonable in not wanting that - if they want to see DD, then they should take her to theirs and look after her, not assume that you have nothing to do but entertain them.

I’d just arrange fewer visits and for far less time. Do you want to see them twice a week? It’s more than reasonable to say you’ll see them once a week at most and only when your partner is there. Which coffee or a walk on a weekend instead of half days so often!

How often did you see them before you had your DD? How often would your partner want to see them?

You could certainly see if they’d be happy to have her at theirs but if you’d just like to see them less that’s perfectly okay. There must be other people you want to spend time with, things you want to do.

@HappyMeal654

I think it sounds a bit unwelcoming. They want to see your daughter but they might not want sole responsibility of her in their home. Maybe they just want to see her but not to provide childcare

A bit unwelcoming?! up to 8 hours a week is out staying your welcome imo!

Happy, they might want to see DD and not do childcare, but equally op doesn't want to see them so frequently. They can't have it all their own way. OP is willing to let them see DD but not entirely on their terms

They can come visit when your dp is there. He can deal with his parents. That's a ridiculous length of tikebto be visiting someone. I would just start making up excuses as to why they can't come, not excuses why they need to leave.

Do they just turn up or are they invited over?

I would cut visits down to once a week and then lie and say that you have to go somewhere after an hour or so.

How annoying. It would drive me nuts. My MIL did this and it was so exhausting. Definitely try and knock it on the head.

Don’t you trust your in laws ? Surely they take over and you go sleep -“ the buggy straps fasten like this , the brake works like this …. Let’s have a practice and you can take her for a walk on Wednesday ehold I have a nap …. You know how the kettle works and where the tea is “

One day I may be a MIL . I absolutely wouldn’t expect to be entertained 2 afternoons a week - I’d either want to be letting you sleep or if baby needs lots of feeds - feeding you and whisking the hover round / cooking tea so it’s ready !

Suggest they take her for a walk. That will give you a break, and they'll probably like doing it.

How old is your DD? Maybe they’re nervous to look after her if she’s very young? Would they have the energy? Are they in good health?

Either way YANBU. They’re expecting too much of you. My MIL did something similar with my DC1. In the end I just started doing what I wanted to do: I went to some playgroups, met friends, went out for walks with the pram which broke the cycle and after that we settled into a different routine that wasn’t so intense. Start having some plans and break this routine. The longer you leave it the harder it’ll be.

@Helenluvsrob yes I completely trust them, my DD is very happy in their company and obviously loves them and vice versa. I just don’t find it that relaxing myself with them downstairs. Sometimes I don’t particularly want to have to go upstairs, (it can make me feel like a teenager banished to my room in my own home ). Sometimes I just want to potter freely about my own home or crack on with jobs. So for me it just doesn’t feel like a break when they’re here and particularly not when it’s for that length of time.

@ChocolateCookies123 I don’t want to say exact age in case it’s identifying but she’s not a very young baby and they’re in good health. They’ve also asked to do a days childcare when I return to work (which of course is very kind) so they don’t seem to be nervous. I do often let them know I have plans (which we do most days) but then they’ll ask to come morning or afternoon instead. I’ve always found it quite awkward to frequently say I’m out all day long as I thought it seemed a bit implausible but perhaps that what I should do

Are they doing the childcare when you go back?

Think it's lovely they have such a good bond with baby, and also totally reasonable that you'd like a rest.

Maybe they'd love to have baby at theirs but don't like to say anything!

Can you not just say you're really tired and it would be amazing if they would have baby at theirs a few hours a week. Win win

They are very kindly doing one days childcare when we go back which they offered up. My mum is doing the other and DD will be in nursery one day. We are in fortunately in a position where we can afford nursery for all three days and would have been happy to pay for it. Nonetheless we are grateful for their offer and glad our DD will have quality time with them

@Notashandyta yes I’ve tried this previously but there has been some what I perceive as strange reasons as to why they’d prefer to see her at ours which has made me feel like they’re generally reluctant. Things like the pram would get in the way in their (perfectly normal sized) house so it’d be better to wait until it’s summer and it can go in their garden. Or they don’t like their area (which is perfectly nice with a lovely park nearby) for walks. Or they’re having work done on the outside of their house (not particularly noisy work) and this quite minor bit of work has seemed to go on for months and months on end. Rightly or wrongly I’ve perceived this as reluctance on their part. But yes Il try asking again politely but more directly and perhaps make sure to explain it would be a great help to me. Particularly as I don’t have any other help available in the week

I know you say you wouldn't relax but just give it a try.

tell yourself you don't have to sleep, just close your eyes & rest.
you might just find you ended up with a nap. and next time it won't even be strange.

or just reduce the amount of time they spend at yours. it's your baby, time, house etc - you are allowed to set new boundaries if the old ones don't work for you anymore

I wasn't clear at first if dd is an older sibling from the one you are on maternity leave for, or if dd is the baby.
From you post about them looking after her, I am going to assume you just have the one child ?

Why don't you get a bit organised and go off and do all your 'jobs' that need doing during the times they are there ?
The supermarket shop.
The "other stuff you have to get" shop
Hair cut
Other appts (dentist, your smear, optician, your vaccinations etc)
Do something for yourself (for some it might be the gym or a swim or a run, or for someone else it might be meeting a friend for a coffee - or even going a reading a book in peace).

Most parents would be very grateful for willing volunteers to look after their little one whilst they get "stuff" done.

If they are going to look after her for a full day when you go back to work, it does make sense for them to get used to her and her to them for these shorter times now.

But I wouldn't have the time to sit and chat with them for the 2 - 4 hours, that seems like SUCH a wasted opportunity.

@Arena5

They are very kindly doing one days childcare when we go back which they offered up. My mum is doing the other and DD will be in nursery one day. We are in fortunately in a position where we can afford nursery for all three days and would have been happy to pay for it. Nonetheless we are grateful for their offer and glad our DD will have quality time with them

Barbara, Jack, as I'm going back to work soon I wondered if you'd like to have Mariah for half a day each week to get her used to it before I go back to work, and it will give me time to make sure I'm fully caught up on jobs!

@SleepingStandingUp see previous reluctance above I have tried! but yes il try again and I agree it might be more appealing for them given that I will be going back soon and they might like to get into a routine

So are they having her at yours?

@SleepingStandingUp no not when I return which is why I’ve found it difficult to fathom the reluctance/preference for having her at ours to date. It’s true what other posters have said that I can use the time to go and do jobs outside of the house. But honestly I just don’t have THAT many personal errands. In the depths of lockdown and with nothing open I just used to drive around to be on my own sometimes. But anyway that’s me having a bit of pity party. And I cOuld now use the time to go to the gym or go in friends houses