Is it unreasonable to want in laws to have DC at theirs

[Arena5]

I’m currently on maternity leave and my in laws like to see my DD on average twice a week. A short visit tends to be 2 hours and a long visit about 4 hours. I personally find it quite draining to make conversation for this long when I’m shattered anyway as baby doesn’t sleep well at all. And whilst I suppose I could technically go rest and leave them to it in another room I find it quite awkward to do so and wouldn’t relax very well anyway. Sometimes I use the time to run errands etc but there’s only so long you can hang outside of your own house when you have people who are staying put for that length of time (particularly when it was full lockdown and nothing was open). To try and change up the dynamic I’ve tried to encourage them to have DD at theirs so I can actually have a break but there’s often a reason given as to why it’d be more convenient at ours etc.

So do you think it’d be reasonable to either more assertively set out that DD will go to theirs when they want to see her or to cut the visits at ours shorter by having ‘plans’ that we need to leave for.

Btw I’m not suggesting that they can’t visit here but I just think there needs to be a bit more give and take. So if they don’t want to have her at theirs then no problem but perhaps they have shorter visits rather than say the current 2-4 hour visits twice a week when it’s just me and my partners in work.

If it was the other way around I wouldn’t expect my partner to sit there with my parents whilst I was in work for that long.

Do you think this sounds reasonably or a bit controlling/unwelcoming? Happy to have honest opinions.

Gosh YANBU! I would hate having people in my space for that long - what if you just wanted to watch back to back love island and not get out of your pjs!? You are a saint to have put up with it. Def insist on one visit a week, that seems plenty and if they want to see your DD it can be at yours.

*at theirs! I mean

Can DH have a word? It would really help arena if you could help us with a few hours childcare a week, obv we wouldn't expect you to see her extra, but have her at yours for a few hours one of the days you'd normally come down kinda thing?

When I was on maternity leave I was completely sleep deprived and would have loved to have somebody call and mind the baby so I could have a nap. Or even a lie down.

Are you getting the wrong end of the stick, and they simply don’t think of their visits as childcare or as intended to ‘give you a break’’, but as a social visit to your DD but also to you? From what you say they’re perfectly nice people who are presumably unaware their visits are causing you strain, or that you feel unable to go and nap while they’re in the house — tbh, when DS was small and unsleeping, I’d probably have handed him to the guy who came in to service the boiler.

Yes could be true. And I am very happy for them to do social visits only. They certainly don’t owe me free chldcare. Perhaps it’s mismatched views on what a social visit is. I’d usually think of its as popping by for an hour or so rather than half a day unless it was someone I was very close to (like my own parents or sisters) or someone I hadn’t see in a long time and I knew in advance that they had cleared their afternoon for me say

Do they never visit when their son is home? Mil used to do one midweek and one weekend visit a week so she saw her own child as well as mine

Do your parents visit you too during the week?

When do the in-laws see DH?

Yes sometimes they do to be fair. I’d say their visits are quite fluid though rather than on a schedule. So some weeks they could come by once midweek and once at the weekend and others twice midweek and an additional weekend visit

No my parents work full time so I see them mostly at weekends

Will they still want to see you as much when you are back at work?

Me personally no I can’t imagine they will! I definitely didn’t use to see them this frequently. Not sure about expectations with DD but I had assumed the days full of childcare for DD will give them their grandparent fix but who knows! Anyway taking on board everything everyone has said Il try and see if they’re happy to have her an afternoon a week to prepare for me going back to work. And if not il try to make the best of the situation by using the time to go out and do things for myself and be thankful I have that luxury!

I think you just have to be more clear with them that you would like them to take their grandchild back to theirs for a bit. It can be very tricky being a grandparent and being involved but not too involved, there is another thread running at the moment where the OP is very taken aback that her in-laws have got some bits ready in their house for when her baby arrives, that OP doesn’t want her child going to the in-laws alone at all and plenty of posters are agreeing that if the in-laws want to see the baby they must go to the OP’s house, and would be overstepping to ask to have the child alone at their house. So what you and that OP would prefer are diametrically opposite to each othe.

Tell them you want to get settled into a bit more of a routine so would a regular e.g. Weds afternoon slot suit them to ‘pop by’? And then get a bit more ruthless about being busy at other times…