Play date headaches, my inflexible child

[Orangeinmybluelightcup]

My Dd is 6yo, in yr1 at school. In the last month we've had 3 friends to play after school. There's a recurring theme of Dd getting excited, planning what they'll do in advance, usually with the friend. Being over excited and struggling to sleep. Then on the day, falling out with the friend when thing don't live up to the vision of what she thought they'd do. On one occasion the friends refuses to play exactly what Dd says and Dd cries. The next friend, same again, but they fight. Last friend tonight ended up being upset and repeatedly apologising to Dd. Each time I have words with Dd and she ends up in tears too saying she's not good enough, people don't like her, of course I say that's not true and reassure her. I'm really not sure how to handle this. She is very inflexible, finds it hard to share, not much empathy yet. Any suggestions from the wise folk?!

Maybe go to the park etc with other kids as at your house they cant walk off if they srent getting on.
Also this point in the year they are likely tired and grumpy.
Is she ok at school.
My eldest 9 has no empathy.
Does she have any asd traits as being inflexible in play etc.

I’d sack off play dates and do short park trips or similar for a while. It’s end of term and kids have been all up the Left this year.

Try a small group rather than 1:1 and go somewhere mutual like a park / soft play / activity.

Easily done, thank you all. Do you reckon she'll gradually become a bit more flexible and consider what others want?

At that age, they are still learning to coordinate their play & can need more support from an adult.

can you set up the activities? So if you organize the playdate so that first there is a craft kit and then 10 mins of a cartoon, then there is pizza-making. You should have a strong hand in organizing the children (like a teacher), then the children can do the activity alongside each other. That puts less stress on them & helps them learn to play alongside each other, without one being the boss and the other refusing to obey.

Three exciting playdates in a month is quite a lot at the end of the summer term, when everyone is knackered.
As others say, I would just give it a rest for a bit and meet kids more informally or for shorter periods with less pressure on. Soon it will be the summer holidays, time to play in the park or on the beach etc.

I agree with @parietal, a small number of organised activities, with short periods of time when they can play together. Ideally time the pizza making, or whatever, just as you sense tempers are fraying. If necessary you can suddenly need 'help' with something if they need distracting. And keep it short, visitors go home soon after tea. They are tired after school, especially at this time of year.

I could write this exact same thing about my 6 year old daughter. I'm glad she's not the only one! Things I've learnt are shorter play dates are better, setting up activities for them to do and not too often.

Wise advice that I'll defo be following. Ah feeling a bit guilty now.

Agree with PPs re end of term tiredness. Is she an only child?

We’ve been there. I would go against the grain and suggest that frequent playdates make each one less of a big deal and can help lower expectations. Talking to your DD beforehand about expectations - repeatedly - can help. On the play date, if they disagree on activities, we’ve had success in getting them together to do a list of possible activities and rank them so everyone feels they’ve had an input and will get their preferred thing at some point.

No, she's got a 4yo brother.

I would tell her in the run up ‘you can’t plan the play date because on play dates kids make a plan together on the day’

That has helped my similar dd

I would also run through strategies for disagreements over what to play - a lot of kids including my dd benefit from being taught these by parents

Do a bit of chatting on a quiet weekend when you’ve got nothing on about ways to play well together. What can people do if different people want to do different things?

If she’s a frozen fan play “let it go” - then explain that means letting go of her thought and going with the other person’s idea

Suggest she says can we do your idea first then mine, or the other way round

Suggest they talk together to come up with “another way” - a new idea they both like

Keep encouraging her to practice this when situations like this arise at home and praise her for being flexible

Has really helped my dd

Could you just not tell her in advance so she doesn't get the chance to build it up so much?

Plan it with the other parent, but then make it seem spontaneous on the day, at pick-up if you can (not always possible if the other parent is not at school I know).

I don't think there are many empathetic 6 year olds though. They're all resolutely selfish at that age! For the most part they grow out of it.

My children's playdates tended to be arranged there and then at the school gate whilst waiting for our dc go appear.
"If you're not busy/is it convenient for X to come for tea and to play for an hour or two today?"
That way there's no build up and things are more organic.

Agree with NuffsaidSam.
It’s been hard for kids that age to develop social skills with the pandemic.
We are sticking to outdoors, park play dates.
All 6 yr old are brats at times. In fact 6 can be a very challenging time as they are very able to wield power but have rarely developed much of a conscience.

Age 7-8 is my favourite as they can usually start to see things from other perspectives at that age, and things seem to get easier!

(Until they become teenaged brats)

Playmates at the moment are a minefield. My child (reception, she 5) and I went to one at her little friends house last weekend. The other little girl is an absolute delight normally and she and DD get on beautifully, it's really sweet.

We arrived, they played for ten minutes and by the time the mum had made me a coffee (we're friendly) they'd fallen out over what to play with first. We smoothed it over, but host child was not happy and she proceeded to sulk and and ignore us all the rest of the time we were there, whilst DD played with her younger sibling. Poor mum was mortified, I wasn't offended in the slightest. They're young children, they're tired, they're not really used to having other people in their home space following all these lockdowns. It's been a weird time for them.

All forgotten on Monday morning and they're the best of friends again. Mum and I have said we'll do the park next time!

Inflexibility and rigidity in play can be a sign of asd, but if that's the only thing then I wouldn't be overly concerned.

Don't tell her it's happening so there's no time to plan and no build up? You could also surprise them with a new activity so they can both discover/explore together.

This is very normal behaviour.
She's learning how to socialise and will often get it wrong.
I used to find role play (me and DD) very helpful in giving her a way to unpick this kind of thing and learn from it.
But agree with the above, keep playdates more low key and unstructured. Short, activity focused.

Watch 'the secret lives of 6 year olds' on E4/more4? if you have it. Really illuminating about how little kids learn these skills.

Agree this is very normal. You’ve had good advice here - park or very short with a simple organised activity like decorating a biscuit. I find that having a very structured adult led activity to start with can lead to the children playing well independently afterwards. They’re kind of desperate to get away from me by then!

Same when my son was younger! He was great at other peoples houses but not so great at home.... so I just stopped doing them or met up in the park.

He's better now but still not great at 'sharing his space'
Fantastic at other peoples houses

Definitely quite normal, and not odd and is part of the learning curve. But... I'd also say you should consider giving less notice and trying to limit expectations. DD can be quite rigid (also 6) in that she will have a vision in her head of x and y and z and if it doesn't happen, she gets upset. We're still working on it but I try to temper this sort of thing a lot where I can eg she'll say, "first we'll go on the trampoline" and I'll say, "well, don't forget, the weather might not be great so then you can't go on the trampoline and I know that Jennie likes playing with dolls so on the day she might want to do that first...." It's a bit tedious but I assume it's a life skill that has to be learnt and doesn't just come naturally (or at least, doesn't come naturally to some children)?

I would be quite firm with her, at 6 she's old enough to be aware that others have feelings/wants too. I don't mean this in an unkind way, but she'll be that child that others don't want to socialise with in a year or two if she continues.

My DD is 9; my DH and I were laughing the other day about how mc easier play dates are now they just run off and get on with it! Some good suggestions upthread - it’s tough at that age as they’re just learning how to navigate friendships.