Play date headaches, my inflexible child

[Orangeinmybluelightcup]

My Dd is 6yo, in yr1 at school. In the last month we've had 3 friends to play after school. There's a recurring theme of Dd getting excited, planning what they'll do in advance, usually with the friend. Being over excited and struggling to sleep. Then on the day, falling out with the friend when thing don't live up to the vision of what she thought they'd do. On one occasion the friends refuses to play exactly what Dd says and Dd cries. The next friend, same again, but they fight. Last friend tonight ended up being upset and repeatedly apologising to Dd. Each time I have words with Dd and she ends up in tears too saying she's not good enough, people don't like her, of course I say that's not true and reassure her. I'm really not sure how to handle this. She is very inflexible, finds it hard to share, not much empathy yet. Any suggestions from the wise folk?!

I had this with my daughter's birthday parties in the house when she was that kind of age and exactly the same kind of reactions you describe. Very embarrassing apart from anything else. She seemed very lacking in empathy and flexibility however much I tried to emphasise or model it. I sat her down after her 8th birthday and said having that many people around just wasn't for her and that in future it would be max 2 or 3 friends and out of the house doing an activity so we weren't so much in her 'domain' if you know what I mean and it worked way better. She was similar with playdates and is still not as easy going as others might be (she's 10 now) but I am happy to say she has improved hugely just naturally I think and with growing maturity. I also avoid long intense periods in the house, if she has someone over I prefer it to be short or I'll bring them somewhere neutral or encourage them to go out to the park. It does get easier, I promise!

I wonder if its the childs equivalent of the pressures of hosting?

She she feels like she has to plan everything perfectly as its in her space with her toys, and then if it goes off plan it upsets her.

Perhaps neutral spaces for playdates for a while until she is a bit more familiar with the concept of sharing, and the guest not wanting to do the same thing as you, which is more easily resolved when its not 'your' things they are saying no to. I suppose it could feel personal if she wants them to play with her special toy and the guest isnt interested.

very normal. I can't count the amount of times I've seen a birthday child in tears at their party (mine included, once). They build it up into such a big thing and invest so much in it emotionally that one tiny thing not being perfect will set them off. Like teeny tiny bridezillas.

agree that providing a structure and taking charge a bit really works, even with kids of an age where they don't usually need lots of close supervision. I'd often get them set up to bake fairy cakes before dinner, and decorate them afterwards. And provide a definite end point - generally 2hrs is plenty, and better for the guest to leave wishing they could stay longer, rather everyone looking at the clock wishing home time would come.

I really don't think it's "normal" that the visiting child ends up in tears and feels the need to profusely apologize. I'd stop doing playdates for a while in that case. My eldest dd was in a friendship like this and it was really horrible and I used to get anxious about what was going to happen next. When the child moved away I was so relieved! Her mum very much facilitated her behaviour though.

I'd do spontaneous play dates - organise with other parent but don't tell the kids.

that way she won't have time to build it up in her head.

also some of her behaviour sounds a bit extreme and reminds me of me as a kid and so I wonder if she might have ADHD.

This thread has been really useful for me, thank you all. I've got some tactics for next time and I feel confident it'll be a better experience for all. I should have stepped in more I think. Next time I'll sort an activity like making pizza or cake or play for a bit then go out.

A couple of people have mentioned asd. It's not the first time this has been raised. As it's not the first time I've been asking about things on here! Dd's definitely not straightforward. But whether that needs a label only time will tell. Ultimately if she grows into an adult who is happy in her own skin, I'll feel that's a job well done.

Good plan.

Don't worry about a label though.
I only figured out I had ADHD when I was 44 and I wish I had known it much earlier.
"The label" was a fucking relief because so much has made sense since, I understand myself so much better.
(I'm still waiting for official dx, but I've been diagnosed unofficially by 3 different friends with relevant qualifications)

It's so useful to know what motivates me and why.
I can plan & create tactics & default systems for some of my shortcomings (or just admit I can't do it instead of fighting them) but now I can also unashamedly bask in the glory of my brilliance.

it's good to know the facts.
best of luck

I think this sounds very normal, particularly in eldest/only children. They're used to being the boss in their games and need to learn to negotiate. Dd1 was always like this around that age, it got much easier by Y2-3. Although she still finds it hard when things don't go according to plan. Dd2 has never done this but I've seen lots of her friends (all either the eldest or only children) doing it to her and she gets annoyed about it. We've modelled the other side of the conversation, i.e what to do when your friends say play like I want or I'm not playing with you.

I wouldn't be worried about her being labelled, I just couldn't honestly call at the mo whether she is asd / alternative or just a bit difficult or awkward in parts. Most of the time I think awkward. But I'm trying to be alert to more.

I think it's always useful to remember that your own child is not necessarily like other people's. I've had to adjust my expectations of DD over the years too. (ASD has also been suggested by a therapist) She doesn't like birthday parties or crowds of people, doesn't really like friends in her space or overstaying their welcome! But she has some lovely friends who she enjoys spending time with, but in the way that works for her.
She's a bit older and pursuit of a diagnosis is largely up to her, she has my support either way - she's had issues with anxiety hence the therapist and it was their suggestion that perhaps we should investigate ASD.
But I don't mean to derail your thread OP but basically I would suggest you work with the parameters that suit your DD and teach her some ways to manage her feelings. She is only little and these are skills that don't come easily to everyone and are dependant on specific development of children's personality to progress. You seem quite attuned to helping her rather than encouraging or facilitating 'bad' patterns, hence I would say this is a fairly typical stage for most children of being 6 years old.

@Orangeinmybluelightcup

I wouldn't be worried about her being labelled, I just couldn't honestly call at the mo whether she is asd / alternative or just a bit difficult or awkward in parts. Most of the time I think awkward. But I'm trying to be alert to more.

I have had similar thoughts about my daughter over the years.. She is also a very logical thinker, very good at maths but quite inflexible and quite set in her ways in terms of how things should be. But I think the worst corners of those traits are rubbing off as she matures and she is 90% (ok 80%) a delight and is always asked back for playdates etc so she must be tolerable at least . The plus side is that she is so much her own person, so passionate about what she believes and sort of fiercely loyal. She is not everyones cup of tea and not your archetypal 'nice little girl' and that is more than ok with me.

I have a DD in year 1 like this and she's Autistic. Has she any other odd behaviors?

They are learning about what works and what doesn't. It's like when they bite each other they learn not to do it after a good bite from some other kid.
I'll keep the visits very short to start. Maybe just a couple of hours with a light dinner so they can eat it quickly.
Keep having friends it's the only way to learn about social interactions.
If they don't do well because your dd it's a little inflexible just let her know that it isn't her. It's about having fun and not trying to control the play date. The other girl will have some play ideas and it's worth trying.

@PerciphonePuma

I have a DD in year 1 like this and she's Autistic. Has she any other odd behaviors?

I have looked this up before and most stuff didn't ring true. We've had a lot of issues with sleep and some other social and behavioural challenges. I have read that girls can be mask and other things so am aware. I think she would be somewhere along a line but hesitate to go further with it. I know the whole everyone's on the spectrum comment can be enraging! Her cousin is being assessed for possible sensory processing and adhd at the mo and it's nothing like that for example. I think I'm a bit over aware sometimes almost, on the back of all the sleep issues which triggered behaviour issues.