Cannot cope with professional job anymore

[Lucycantdance]

I have DC 7 DC 4. I work in the legal profession (litigation) a job I did love before children but dedicated my whole life to. When DCs came along I took some time out doing something low key, then went back part time. I have tried a couple of roles doing the same thing and I’m at the end of my tether. Now back at my old firm working from home even but I just can’t cope anymore. Everything gets to me, I’m worrying and stressed 50% of the time. Other people seem to be able to sustain this after kids. I just want to give it up and do something low key. Am I alone? Is this just how life is? I can’t even remember anymore! Would love to hear experiences.

No. I couldn't do a good job at work and a good job as a mum. I would have rated myself as 'almost achieved' in both.

DD was very unhappy at nursery too so I became a SAHM for a few years and then worked in straightforward jobs which has worked for us.

I never did go back to my career though. The hours were too long and too many weeks away for family life.

I’m a deputy headteacher with two DC aged 7 and 3. I’m just about managing it but only because my husband works part time.

I found that feeling passed - now refound my ambition and struggling to get career back to where it should be!

I’ve had times like this. The need to be financially independent, keep my career and pay into my pension have been what’s kept me going.
I’ve accepted it’s a difficult phase in my life, but necessary and worthwhile. I also know I’d be intellectually bored rigid if I didn’t have a stimulating job that’s a big part of my identity.
It is really hard. No point pretending otherwise.
I just keep chipping away at it all, wood-cutter approach…..

Hi OP, you absolutely are not alone. I’m in a professional career, and I can honestly say that my children (and DH)have almost destroyed it. Keeping all the balls in the air is nearly impossible.....but.....it does depend on many other factors, and it does get better (my DC are 10&8).
Firstly, do you need to work? Ie you need the money (there may be many other reasons, but this is the only real decider). Financially I didn’t need to work, and my DH really didn’t want me to work and didn’t step up to help/parent/husband in the gaps. He was more than happy to pay for help, but wasn’t going to disrupt his own schedule to support a job he didn’t want me doing in the first place. I didn’t want to pay for the extra help, so I ended up doing everything. DH has improved and we have extra help...this has taken years.
You need to outsource as much as you can. We had a nanny, cleaner and gardener in the early days and now have a mother’s help, cleaner and gardener. Our mothers help makes all the food- I basically don’t cook mon-fri.
I gave up my employed job after about 4 years of kids and freelanced part time for 5 years which made everything more bare able. The down side was that I really missed being part of a team and I also felt that I was deskilling. Then I took a complete break of 6 months. I’ve been back at work for 6 months now as an employee and almost full time, and I’m really enjoying it. I still have to organise the outsourcing of everything, but being super organised helps.
I think having a total break helps too. My DH asked me the other day why I work and I said:

1. It gets me out of the house and gives me more perspective on life
2. I always want to be financially independent (we have completely shared finances, but I want to know I could stand on my own 2 feet if I had to)
3. I’ve worked extremely hard to get where I am, giving it up would seem a waste.
4. I enjoy it
5. If I stayed at home I’d get treated like the house slave
6. I think it’s a good role model for DC.

When I went back to work after my break I said that I’d give it 2 years and I was going to throw everything at it, even if that meant my take home pay was zero, because I just wanted to feel properly back at work. If I didn’t work I’d leave. So far it’s working....and my net take home isn’t zero! Everyone is different and you need to figure out what works for you, but it does get better, and I’d strongly recommend sticking at it if you can. Sorry for the long reply.

I work FT in a professional job but I love what I do. I’m also a good mum. BUT I have help, a DH who does all drop offs and can wfh if a child is sick, flexibility with hours if I need them, a cleaner who does an awful lot.
Is it that you hate your job or that the hours are too many?
I’ve had many friends who have given up work who are now struggling to get above minimum wage now their kids are older. Their pensions are no more, some of them have had their husbands leave them and they have found themselves with very little.
Can you identify exactly what is going wrong - do you dislike the role, too many hours, do you need more help at home, can your DH do more?
Lots to think about before giving up a professional well paid job. But indeed, no job is worth your mental health

I work FT in a professional job and am glad I am working but it is hard to balance the hours demanded with what is in my head as a “good mum”. The feeling that I should be planning weekends with bells and whistles and various other things.

I find the home stuff gets to me more than work, I appear to have over the years care less from a worrying POV and can switch off.

Although I talk about wanting more time etc like a PP I like having a challenging job, the rewards it brings and as the DC get older (now 4 & 7) I can see it getting easier

Thanks for replies. Don’t know if I’m more sensitive now or what. Litigation means arguing, I get upset about things that I’m sure I would have brushed off before. Or did I just drink and work through it?! This is a job I loved before so I’m struggling so much.

I’m in a very similar situation, 1 almost 7 year old and 2 five year olds. I was thinking now everyone is reaching school age (not UK) I should be working more and putting in for the level above. I know I could do the job.

But, it turns out I can’t handle doing the higher pressure more time intensive job and also being the primary parent and do both well. I just don’t have the mental bandwidth for it.
Have resolved to continue working part time at level, it is making me use my brain, I am contributing to something meaningful and it means I can go home and be a good mum.

In the end, I decided I have to prioritise and it has to be the kids. Perhaps if my husband were willing to work part time and be the primary parent it would be different. But he isn’t and won’t (he does do a lot at home though, even by our generations standards)

Your most recent post resonated with me, OP. I'm a lawyer and hated my litigation seat due to all of the arguing. I became a transactional lawyer and used to enjoy the negotiation but, during the toddler/pre-school/KS1 years, I'd used up all of my negotiation skills and patience just getting the children up, dressed and breakfasted!
I work part time and also think there is something about the fact that you're constantly dipping in & out of work that is hard to manage. On your non-working days, you may have thought of something else or be seeing emails coming in but you can't actually do anything about them. Before DC, you would have been on top of those, no doubt working into the evenings if needed.
My two are KS2 now and I am glad I stuck at it. Things which worked for me is that I essentially work term time only and find that works better than doing part time each week. The holidays are never that far away and the children know that I may be distracted during term time but am around during the holidays. Getting a brilliant after school nanny who does everything included packed lunches and ironing school uniforms. A DH who pulls his weight. A good bunch of local friends, many of whom also work so are always keen to arrange a life share and happy to walk my DC to school along with their own knowing that they might call me a couple of days later to say they'll be asking me to collect their child from something (this bit doesn't work during Covid!).
Fundamentally, the DC just getting older makes a massive difference. In the mornings, I now get myself ready occasionally shouting "teeth" or "have you had breakfast get" or having to frantically locate a missing piece of sports kit. But I don't have to feed them, dress them etc. It's not just the activity itself - they know to put dishes in the dishwasher, the cereal box back in the cupboard & their laundry in the basket etc.

Mentally compartmentalising is the only way I can do it. Watching myself to make sure I don't give more of myself mentally and emotionally to work, because that means I won't have enough left over for the DC never mind myself or DH.

The spoon theory really helped me put it into words. DH and I will say to each other "I'm running low on spoons" whereas before we would just fight over
nothing because we were both stressed and knackered. You can also Google decision fatigue or compassion fatigue.

Finally the concept of not having the luxury of being obsessed with work or the luxury of complaining and moaning really helped me. Some people do have that luxury, good for them. Not something I need in my life though.

I had a professional and challenging job when my three were little. I went part time and that helped me sustain it for longer. However I did eventually change career as it didn't fit with family life and I'd had enough by the time the youngest was 10.

Another benefit of the DC getting older is that they go to bed later. My two go to bed at 8pm & 8.45pm. When they were a similar age to your two, they used to go to bed at 7ish so the hour I got home from work used to be spent watching a bit of TV together and then doing Bath & stories and things whilst they bombarded me with information about their day and generally wanted more than I could offer.
Now, I come in, sit down with a cup of tea (and often MN) for 30 mins whilst they have some screen time, then we might play a board game or go down to the park or something & then there's still time to watch a bit of TV together and another difference is that it's something I enjoy myself.
Also, as they are so easy in the morning, I have more time then so can exercise in the mornings meaning that that isn't hanging over me all evening.
A supportive boss & colleagues makes a difference too. Mine all happen to have grown up children and seem quite happy to have moved on from the chaos of this stage!

My kids are similar age, I am self employed, I feel more and more that I just don’t want the responsibility of having to manage people or certain clients - I feel like I don’t have the brain space, if that makes sense?

For you it might be worth looking at what support you need to do your job and have time with your children and for yourself and work towards getting that. Do you need to negotiate extra holiday, do you need to plan out your year in advance including clubs and kids stuff, or practical help at home, or a counsellor to offload to.

And try a Life Coach (I can recommend a good one that does online coaching). It was a game changer for me; enabled me to focus on what was important and prioritise. None of it was rocket science but just enabled me to order my thoughts.

@ChairOnToast my thoughts exactly.

I’d love to see a thread answered exclusively by fathers in response to the same question.

I didn’t have the luxury of choice, as I was a widowed hospital doctor with a baby and a toddler.
Being sole breadwinner in a stressful career and a single parent is a tough gig, but one just has to get on with it. It is survivable, and it gets hugely easier as the kids reach school age. And the sense of achievement when your DC graduate and start their own professional careers is great.

Really appreciate all the comments.

NotPersephone I’m so sorry. I feel everything you have said. Even when I win, the tiniest mistake will dominate my day (and night). Then I’m not present with the kids. I’m sure I never used to be like this.

I'm a single mum and I've worked full time in a professional role since DS was 2 (eleven years). It's worked OK but I only have one child and I'm tired most of the time. I certainly don't have time for a relationship.

Furlough was a huge relief for me, allowing me to get back on top of house work, redecorating etc, even though I eventually lost my job. I've since moved to a Wfh contract and it's much better.

I'm 58 now. I'm packing in at 63 and I can't wait.

@Ravenspeckingontheroof I would love to know more about the life coach.

@Lucycantdance I’ll pm you