Cannot cope with professional job anymore

[Lucycantdance]

I have DC 7 DC 4. I work in the legal profession (litigation) a job I did love before children but dedicated my whole life to. When DCs came along I took some time out doing something low key, then went back part time. I have tried a couple of roles doing the same thing and I’m at the end of my tether. Now back at my old firm working from home even but I just can’t cope anymore. Everything gets to me, I’m worrying and stressed 50% of the time. Other people seem to be able to sustain this after kids. I just want to give it up and do something low key. Am I alone? Is this just how life is? I can’t even remember anymore! Would love to hear experiences.

Hi @Ravenspeckingontheroof if possible could you also send me the life coach info, thanks very much

@BookWorm45 done

Is it lawyer burnout OP? There is a time in many lawyers lives when the anxiety which naturally accompanies a legal job grows and takes over a disproportionate amount of headspace. At this point lots of lawyers drop out (think about how many people you trained with have done that), change job or specialism or take the route I did and keep going until they have a breakdown (not recommended). There is a reason why lawyers always come out as the profession which hates their jobs the most!

Working as a lawyer creates a constant expectation of perfectionism under pressure and that can become an obsession. There is always something which you can worry about especially if you work in an area which requires you to handle large amounts of documentation. I reached the point where I was always stressed about something and life was pretty miserable. Dealing with wanky male egos, maternal guilt, having a child with SN and trying to keep working alongside that plus exH cheating tipped me over the edge for a bit.

It is many years later and I'm back working again in a different field and for a totally different type of employer (nothing would ever persuade me to go back into private practice) and on the whole it's fine and is certainly much lower stress than my previous roles though also less well paid. I'd rather have the life than the money though.

That is a long-winded way of saying that, rather than just putting up with it and soldiering on, I'd suggest you start actively considering what alternatives there are work wise.

SummerSaladsAreBack Can I please ask what you do now? I was a lawyer but couldn't cope with it after kids and the need for perfection (partly due to my own personality too though) and long hours etc. Got burnout too many times. Not sure what I'm doing with my life now!

Ex -litigation solicitor here, know exactly how you feel about the role and the demands of it and the stress it can cause. I now have 2 DC under the age of 4. I left my role pre - DC due to infertility which was no doubt being contributed by the stress of my job. I now do a part-time self employed role from home still in the legal profession. Feel free to DM me. Just wanted to say you are most definitely not alone.

It is possible to move away from the role and it is possible to do something else.

@DGFB @Ravenspeckingontheroof - wise words. OP take note.

I’m a litigator too. I have two kids - 6 and (very nearly) 2 - and work part time. But the court isn’t part time (well, it is, but they don’t care about my working days when they set directions) and most opponents and clients aren’t part time. It’s a real struggle to keep up. You’re not alone.

Lawyer here - became a regulator on full time hours since daughters were 8 and 6, usually 9 to 5 hours, good pay. Am very close to my now university-aged girls, they have lovely friends and boyfriends, and they have done well academically. Maybe they’ll need therapy to deal with me working at some point, but not yet!

Was at a Magic Circle then West End firm. Grew to hate it. Could you go in-house, government or similar? There are better options out there. Good luck x

It’s hard being a working mum - I’m a (very) low level professional.

But they’re only so little and needy for such a short time. The time where they don’t need you that much is much longer and then you’ve given it up and what next?

I know you could look at that the other way and let it be the reason to give it up but I think bigger picture wise it’s better to hang in there even if it means trying to get some responsibilities reduced or something.

Unless you’re lucky enough to be in the position where you could live just as comfortably without your income. We are now in the position where we’d miss my income if I gave up my job.

Thanks OP this is a great thread.

I worked in the city crazy hours international travel etc. Basically worked all the time. I didn’t go back after dd1. No sacrifice tbh I would have left anyway wasn’t right for me.

Had 6 years off and set up on my own and work round dc and am happy. Don’t miss the office one bit! Sometimes get persuaded to do locuming and remember why I left! I don’t have regrets about leaving the City though as unlike some I wanted to leave anyway and would have gone anyway (actually all the women in that team left whether they had kids or not) because it’s a shit life. The men can have it!

I’ve felt crap at my job since I went back after DS1. I’m half way through Mat leave and dreading going back to work. I just don’t need the added pressure, mental load etc. I constantly feeling like I’m underperforming and it’s demoralising and a bit humiliating. I’m not used to feeling like this as I always used to be good at my job. DH pulls his weight and is equally as tired and stressed and worried in job. It seems like everyone else is coping and we’re just exhausted. Maybe we’re just not very good at this family thing.

@Lucycantdance
Totally know where you are, same profession, same experience, same perfectionism, same anxiety, same obsessing.
When you're a lawyer it's hard to imagine that there are other jobs offering similar money and mental stimulation without the stress, game playing, 3am anxiety and demanding clients. But there are, and they absolutely want lawyers to do them because of the skill set we bring.
I'm not saying you should definitely change careers but don't fall into the trap of thinking you're stuck in that one.
I'm often struck by how much non lawyers earn for so much less stressful jobs.

I’m also in a legal profession (a very stressful one) and on maternity leave at the moment. I was thinking the same thing, when I go back will I cope mentally as my job is draining but with a small baby it may just tip me over the edge. I need help in how to manage home and stressful work life!

I know what you mean OP, I have a very successful career in fintech. It's hard to keep both parenting and professional work going! Mine are late teens now but I feel it's taken it's toll on me tbh.

Hi @Lucycantdance - I’ve been in your exact situation. I’d like to think I’m out the other side now and am still a lawyer albeit a different area and in house. Still earning similar money but less stress and shorter hours.

I mentor/coach a couple of lawyers on career plans etc and would be very happy to have a chat with you if you would like. Message me if you’re interested.

@seethebeauty84 compliance in the third sector. Working more than your contracted hours is actively frowned on. And no time sheets!

Hi OP, I was a lawyer and continued in that role part time after the DC but I left when my eldest started school as she has SEN and we had lots of issues with that.

I found it really hard to do that sort of job especially as pre kids, I did lots of networking events too which I just couldn’t maintain after kids. I also found it harder once the kids left nursery because the school day was much shorter and there were the holidays to consider. It was the childcare aspect that stressed me out. From observing colleagues, the ones who manage best are the ones with family support or the ones who have partners with flexible jobs. I had neither. I was fortunate to get a fabulous role elsewhere which was much less pressured and fewer hours so it did work out in the end although that ended due to the pandemic so I’m now back to square one a bit. So, you’re not alone

Try working inhouse for GLD or similar? Much more supportive environment for parents.

Also, find a way to care less about work. Care where it matters but that’s it. Drop the small stuff. Poor health forced me to do this and I am glad.

Thought people might like an update on this. I hung in there, went for some counselling and as I have slowly got back into my old role I am really enjoying it. Don't think I will be a lawyer forever. But for the short to medium term it is right for me, and I am very glad I stuck it out. Was on the verge of quitting so many times.

Really appreciate the time everyone took to provide advice.