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Original poster

Do I have a right to know where my baby is?

42 replies

MissB19 · 29/06/2021 07:54

My 2 year old is subject to a court order in which he is to spend every other weekend with his father. 400 miles away!
His father and his new partner have recently moved in together. Telling my son he will be staying there etc.
I have asked for the address and his father has stated he won’t tell me. For ridiculous immature reasons.
I do not feel comfortable letting my son go into his care without knowing where he is.
Does anyone know my rights?

OP posts:
MattyGroves · 29/06/2021 08:04

No, I don't think you do have a right to know this.

I would guess that you don't tell your ex exactly where you take your son either. Every time you visit a friend, do you text him the address?

In an emergency, you would be contacted and an emergency could happen anywhere.

Original poster
MissB19 · 29/06/2021 08:06

It is not a case of staying over night casually.

This is where my son will be “living” when in his fathers care.

It isn’t a casual arrangement such a me spending time at a friends house for example.

OP posts:
ApolloandDaphne · 29/06/2021 08:07

No, you have no right to know this. The baby is not just yours, you share the responsibility for him with his father and you need to assume he will be caring for him appropriately.

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2 year olds Behaviour & development Families Family law
walkoflifewoohoo · 29/06/2021 08:09

No, imagine you had an abusive ex and because you had a child with them it was their legal right to know your address. Just wouldn't work.

pixietinsle5 · 29/06/2021 08:09

If I was in your situation I would want to know where my daughter was staying! I would find it incredibly hard to not know where she was, especially 400 miles away. I have no idea whether you actually legally have the right to know or not but as a mother I think you should know for peace of mind.

MattyGroves · 29/06/2021 08:14

@MissB19

It is not a case of staying over night casually.

This is where my son will be “living” when in his fathers care.

It isn’t a casual arrangement such a me spending time at a friends house for example.

You still don't have a right to know.

And I don't really see what the difference night time Vs day time makes anyway. You won't know his exact location during the day either way.

Did your ex have to take you to court for access?

Original poster
MissB19 · 29/06/2021 09:15

We have a lives with and spends time with order.
Which is not joint custody.
I understand if had an abusive ex. As he is an abusive ex. With harassment log etc.
It was simply the case of surely we have a right to know where our child is.
As he has a right to know what nursery, school out child attends.
Surely that is the same for both parents.

OP posts:
Mabelene · 29/06/2021 09:19

No I don’t think you have that right. He is their parent, unless he has been proved to be a danger to the child then what he does during his contact time is his business

user1493494961 · 29/06/2021 09:23

I would assume you have to abide by the terms of the court order.

FelicityPike · 29/06/2021 09:26

Morally yes.
Legally no.
As long as you have a method of contacting him in an emergency you have no rights to know the address of anywhere he takes his child.
I’m sorry, I fully understand your concerns though.

lilmishap · 29/06/2021 09:35

I do feel for you, it would be nice if he could you as a respected part of your shared child's life but he isn't.
I got all this nonsense and game playing as well (also 150 miles between us) I don't drive so he knew I wasn't gonna be turning up unannounced, it was just a power play, it drove me mad for a while, so it worked.
If he doesn't return child then the police will be able to find him.
Do not give him the satisfaction of biting the bait.

30degreesandmeltinghere · 29/06/2021 09:37

During our court case I moved. Dh was apparently within his rights to prevent me having them until I revealed my address. Judges words...
Ime.

Soontobe60 · 29/06/2021 09:39

@MissB19

We have a lives with and spends time with order. Which is not joint custody. I understand if had an abusive ex. As he is an abusive ex. With harassment log etc. It was simply the case of surely we have a right to know where our child is. As he has a right to know what nursery, school out child attends. Surely that is the same for both parents.
Actually, if there’s any harassment order against him, he also doesn’t have the right to know where you live when his son is with you.
Soontobe60 · 29/06/2021 09:41

@30degreesandmeltinghere

During our court case I moved. Dh was apparently within his rights to prevent me having them until I revealed my address. Judges words... Ime.
I’m assuming that as this was during a court case then unless there was a court order preventing your ex from contacting you due to DV, you should disclose your address.
cupoftea2021 · 29/06/2021 09:48

No.

It may infact be at your best interest.
What arrangements for emergency contacts or hospital doctors etc will be in place
Maybe you parents if something minor but important happens. Please agree to that.
Good luck it's a shit of a thing but sometimes they pull through and do right by the child.

Wereeaglesdare · 29/06/2021 10:10

No you don't and its a crock of shit. I don't have any rights to say I don't want my daughter introduced to a stranger and staying round her house every time she's with her dad. We do the hard graft we carry them we feed them and we give them the world and because we put a name on a birth certificate. A name that never changed nappies or did night feeds or stayed up with our babies when they were ill. Sang songs did the groups and the clases. IT IS A MANS WORLD and don't you forget it hey. You have my sympathy I atleast know where the strangers house is. But in the eyes of the law my child's father can take her away from me when he sees fit. If I was you I wouldn't send her. Maybe i would even move. Why the fuck should you send your child to an abusive horrible person miles away when they are so little and vulnerable. I doubt anything will come of it. The law doesn't work when women are denied their maintenence payments does it.

Original poster
MissB19 · 29/06/2021 10:14

I have just spoken to Support Through Court. As I have a Lives with Order and Spends Time with order I have the legal right to know where my child is.

They have advised every parent does have this legal right. Which is what I was advised by CAFCASS when his Father requested to know what nursery my child attended.

Very true about the power aspect. Sadly his obsession with causing issues within my world far outweighs his obsession to progress with his life.

My stance is firm. I will not be allowing him to take our child 300 miles away without advising me upon the address. He may come to contact where we live but no way am I allowing my child out of my care and me as a parent having no clue where he is.

OP posts:
bigbaggyeyes · 29/06/2021 10:15

I wouldn't like this at all, but there really is nothing you can do about it.

dottiedodah · 29/06/2021 10:15

I find it remarkable that you dont have any right to know where your son is headed EOW! TBH how long does it take for the journey there and back? (Not the point of the ques obv) Can you appeal to the Court? Also would it be worth appealing to DH better nature?(supposing he has one!)

bigbaggyeyes · 29/06/2021 10:15

I take it back, I've just seen your update. Great to know that you can request this legally

dottiedodah · 29/06/2021 10:18

Just seen your update .What a relief for you! Stand firm and with the Courts backing should be able to keep him safe and sound xx

Embracelife · 29/06/2021 10:18

So lives with you and spends time with him?

Canigooutyet · 29/06/2021 10:18

In the same way if you moved someone in you don't have to disclose.
Demands to know what you spend "his" money on can be ignored.

Why would you need an actual address in cAse of an emergency? If something happened to you he could be contacted by phone or with enough details police could knock on his door.

Original poster
MissB19 · 29/06/2021 10:27

To be honest I am terrified to 'breach' an court.

I have asked politely. It is not an unreasonable request. For either parent to be honest.

I do not understand the 'his money' comment @Canigooutyet but in this case rest assure the £7 the father sends each week for my son doesn't even cover the petrol costs to facilitate his access.

Of course it is a case on equality why shouldn't I know where my child is sleeping? He knows. As he knows who is in my life. I am respectful parent.

But my priority is my son not his wish for privacy/secrecy.

OP posts:
Original poster
MissB19 · 29/06/2021 10:29

@Embracelife

So lives with you and spends time with him?
Yes the order is 'Lives with Mother'

'Spends time with Father'

The main note is listed from below link x

direct2barrister.co.uk/2019/07/02/1127/

Conclusion

Overall there is no reason to fear a ‘lives with/lives with’ child arrangement order. It is obviously not always the right order. Especially in cases where there is a need to indicate a primary carer, where there has been domestic abuse, control issues or where the parties live a long way away from each other. In these circumstances ‘a lives with/spends time with’ order may well be more appropriate. In most cases however, as the aim of all children related court orders is to sort matters out in such a way that the parents are given a spring board to move forward and therefore don’t need to come back to court, an order which is expressed in a shared way can really help.

For most parents the only real advantage of having a ‘lives with’ order over a ‘spends time with’ order is the ability to take the children on holiday without having to get the other parent’s consent (and that right is not lost if you both have one!). I would therefore encourage parents to think about the psychological advantages of an order that can make both parents feel equally important. If agreed it is also a way of both parents saying they recognise the other as crucial to their child. When parents feel respected by each other they are much more capable of building ( or rebuilding) trust and moving forward together. This makes future day-to-day discussions and planning easier. Most importantly if parents are less defensive and more co operative the chances of them having to return to court at a later date are greatly reduced. Going to court, especially over your children, is a huge burden. It causes stress, emotional upset and financial difficulties. If calling your order something different can help you work together and avoid court in the future, I think that has to be a good thing!

OP posts: