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Parenting

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Do I have a right to know where my baby is?

42 replies

MissB19 · 29/06/2021 07:54

My 2 year old is subject to a court order in which he is to spend every other weekend with his father. 400 miles away!
His father and his new partner have recently moved in together. Telling my son he will be staying there etc.
I have asked for the address and his father has stated he won’t tell me. For ridiculous immature reasons.
I do not feel comfortable letting my son go into his care without knowing where he is.
Does anyone know my rights?

OP posts:
Canigooutyet · 29/06/2021 10:39

The money thing was another thing some try and claim they have a right to know where maintenance his money went.

I wouldn't advice going against a court order. Those actions can seriously back fire, there's been some high profile cases over the years where mum has done just that.

The not interfering with contact can be problematic getting around. Double check to make sure you don't get bit in the ass.

They can have a right to know school, gp, etc and be consulted about health and education because they have parental rights.

wisteriaandwhine · 29/06/2021 12:44

He's abusive so you know he's doing this to control you. Why play into that by giving him the power and pleasure of seeing you get sucked into his games and facing the consequences of breaching a court order?

What does that achieve?

If he's not following the court order then follow that up through legal means.

Don't allow yourself to get so frustrated by him (or the inherent unfairness of dealing with an abuser) that you make an emotional decision, dig your heels in and end up the one in the wrong in the eyes of the court.

That just hands him power over you, which is what he wants.

You 'win' this by staying calm, obeying everything you are legally required to do, doing everything by the book, and not engaging with his attempts to antagonise you.

wisteriaandwhine · 29/06/2021 12:48

You do have power here - the power to deny his attempts to wind you up to the point where you breach the court order and end up in legal trouble.

Don't throw that power away. It's what he wants. He knows how to push your buttons still.

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about these subjects:

delilahbucket · 29/06/2021 12:53

I'm more surprised that a court is forcing a two year to do a 300-400 mile trip twice a fortnight. Even in a car without traffic that is 5-7 hours of travelling each way. How does that even work for just a weekend?

MissB19 · 29/06/2021 13:23

@wisteriaandwhine I truly do understand this. Or I try to. I am purely wanting to know where he is and that he is safe. I do have concerns of his caring ability. He is abusive a drug user etc. All of which have been brought up throughout court. That aside he has access which is set out in court order. I simply what peace of mind. I do not react or try not too. Believe me he has done alot to provoke and make this situation as painful as possible...2 years later he still behaves like this. Thank you

OP posts:
wisteriaandwhine · 29/06/2021 18:34

I do appreciate you're in a very tough spot. That said, I do think you will be damaging your wider interests and your ability to protect your son if you breach the order.

In reality, what difference does it make to your child's safety if he is in the care of his father at an address you do know versus one you don't know? What will be different? What additional power does that give you to influence his safety during that time in any way?

What evidence do you have to show the court that your son will be unsafe purely because you don't have the address (bearing in mind that if your address had been protected he still would have been safe with you)? You still won't know their movements during that time, so where they spend the time may not be at that address anyway.

(The question of whether he is a shit or safe parent is separate and largely irrelevant to this, because you're proposing to breach the order purely on the basis that you don't have his address.)

I get that you consider it reasonable to breach it, but from a court perspective withholding his address is a minor deviation from the order compared to you withholding contact which blows the whole order away - you could be looking at contempt of court and all the consequences that follow.

That is really serious and will undermine your efforts to be treated as a credible witness about abusive behaviour. You need the courts to trust you.

You need to do things the right way rather than taking them into your own hands. The way to protect children from abusive parents is to work with the existing faulty systems we have not against them.

I know it is shit, but you do need to be strategic with this stuff.
My personal view is that breaching the court order over this is a mistake that you will regret, but it is your decision to make. Hopefully after having taking independent legal advice from a solicitor in family law with DV experience.

wisteriaandwhine · 29/06/2021 18:38

That being I will not know where my son is from Friday-Monday

Even with an address you still won't know. You could have his address but they spend that entire time elsewhere or in multiple places.

That's scary and uncomfortable, but it is what is going to happen either way. He is not going to be in your care and you won't know what is happening. You don't have any control over that time period.

Focus on the bigger picture and the long term view of ensuring the courts trust you and view you as credible and responsible so you have more power to protect your son.

Bobholll · 29/06/2021 18:56

What happens in the future here? When the child is school age & wants to see his mates at the weekend, has birthday parties or wants to do football every Saturday? Does he have any say in being dragged 400 miles every other weekend?! Are there no child psychologists linked to courts who could deem this unacceptable for a 2 year old?! I’ve recently got back from holiday 400 miles away & I have an 18 month old. The journey each way was 9 hours with Friday traffic, it was hideous. My child just cried & whinged the entire journey! And again, as he gets older, he’ll be exhausted for school on Monday with that journey.

His Dad made a decision to move away out of his life & to his new girlfriend by the sound of it. You choose to do that, you choose to loose as much contact. I just cannot comprehend the decision on this one, it’s insane.

ManicPixie · 29/06/2021 21:21

That seems a crazy distance, practically a two day round trip to go there and back. Legal or not I certainly sympathise with the child.

Oldbutstillgotit · 29/06/2021 21:29

Is your ex collecting and dropping off your DC ?

Maggiesfarm · 29/06/2021 23:25

How is your son going to travel 400 miles on alternate weekends? I presume his dad will drive to collect and bring back but I cannot see that being a popular activity for too long.

Temp023 · 29/06/2021 23:50

This poor kid has to travel 800 miles every second weekend, blimey!

Sh05 · 30/06/2021 00:03

Will he allow you to facetime him during his weekends? I would try and get an iPad or something similar where you can see the location of it on your phone. Tell him you've packed the iPad for face timing at bedtime. ( I'm not sure if this would work but someone a little more tech savvy will hopefully advise)

HunkyPunk · 30/06/2021 00:25

This is like reading Alice in Wonderland. In what parallel universe is it considered to be in the interest of a 2 year old (or any) child to be carted 600 miles around the country every other weekend? I had no idea this kind of madness could be ordered by a Court!

Bananasinpyjamas21 · 30/06/2021 00:32

Very pleased this is a right. My Ex never told me the address of his GF for a long time where he took DS to stay. He’s an asshole honestly.

Just wanted to extend my sympathies. It must be a massive worry if he is controlling and so uncooperative.

We just don’t judge men enough currently for bad parenting, bad coparenting.

This is the opinion I’ve reached! I started off very naive and trusting. Hating anyone even remotely putting down men esp in parenting… I mean they are so hard done by aren’t they? Their exes just are so bossy and restrictive. They just want to be good fathers.

A big apology to any good fathers out there - of which there are many.

But my gosh there are a load of terrible ones, all under the guise of ‘good dads’ if they so much as just proclaim how loving/doting/fun they are. And NO ONE judges them.

And totally yes - ‘wish’ for privacy/secrecy is a selfish nasty dig to you - if he was a good father he’d have absolutely no problem giving you this information and working with you, not against you.

Bananasinpyjamas21 · 30/06/2021 00:35

@Sh05

Will he allow you to facetime him during his weekends? I would try and get an iPad or something similar where you can see the location of it on your phone. Tell him you've packed the iPad for face timing at bedtime. ( I'm not sure if this would work but someone a little more tech savvy will hopefully advise)
I would be doing this too if at all possible. It is in the boy’s best interests to be able to call / receive calls.

My Ex didn’t like me doing this (and I only did it for a few minutes each time, non obtrusively) and it’s a bit of a red flag if someone doesn’t want this. In any other situation such as staying at Granny’s or staying at a holiday camp - a child would always be able to contact /be contacted.

Embracelife · 30/06/2021 14:10

A two year old can only face time with adult support. May not be productive

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