Lost my temper at baby..feel absolutely awful

[wiggleshasmylife]

My life is shit and hard at the moment. Not even gonna pretend it'd all sunshine and rainbows. Working crazy stupid hours, no childcare. Feel free to check post history if want full recap

I'm full of cold. Had a covid test and negative so have to work. Been at.work since 3 am and finished at 1..collected baby from husband at 1. He went to work. Baby wouldn't sleep. Shes overtired. She smacked me full on in the face and it really hurt. I started to cry and just yelled at her to stop it. She started to cry and then she fell asleep on me. I feel like the world's worst mum. I feel like i don't deserve her. I just feel like I've had enough. I'm sick of working the stupid hours. I have to work the stupid hours to pay for things. Husband has to work nights. We have no childcare. Couldn't afford to put her into nursery.

I'm burning out. And I just wish I could disappear..I've had enough

@wiggleshasmylife
You do sound like your doing a lot! Babies are bloody hard work.. I have 2 soon to be 3
I'd be lying if I told you I'd never lost my temper with them before, your only human and don't give yourself such a hard time, you sound like an amazing mum xx

And also having a baby when your sick just amplifies EVERYTHING!!

When do you sleep? You must be running on empty.

@Gingerandthebiscuits I got home at half 2. Had to.call to asda. I'll do her tea and bath between 5 and 6. Story and she should be in bed for half 6 to 7. Then I'll probably grab something quick to eat. Toast usually..collapse on the sofa. Sleep till husband gets home at midnight ish. Sleep again till 2. Get up and go to work. Repeat. 6 days a week.

@wiggleshasmylife gosh yeah you need more time to sleep no wonder your exhausted

How old is your baby?

@feb2022 sound like a broken record saying this again. Covid and lockdown screwed our finances over. I was already 18 weeks pregnant when this all kicked off and all the savings we had have gone. We're both on minimum wage jobs, we're both looking for other jobs but there few and far between. It sucks but it is what it is. We have no family or anybody nearby to watch her. He works nights and i work mornings and then we swap the baby

Shes 10 and a half months

That sounds really hard, you obviously are an amazing mum as you are sacrificing so much to provide for your baby. This situation does sound unsustainable, as you say, you will burn out. Don't blame yourself.

Im suee you've already tried everything you can think of in terms of affording childcare and you've asked family for help, so I don't know what to suggest but hopefully you get some good advice from this thread xx

In the years to come your baby won't remember this incident and you have done her no damage. There can't be many parents who haven't shouted at some point, it sounds like your circumstances at the moment are enough to try the patience of a saint so be a little bit kind to you, you must be exhausted

Don't feel awful, you're not well and it sounds awful. You are doing your best and you are the best mum your baby could have.

Short term:
Give your baby a cuddle and make her laugh to make you feel better - she might not feel well either
Don't fall asleep on the sofa, go to bed and look after yourself
Will you still get paid if you took a day off? If not, are you able to take it easy a little bit?
Could a friend/ neighbour even take her for a walk?

Mid term:
Look on the gov.uk website to make sure you're getting all the benefits you're entitled to
If you're on minimum wage can you get any benefits to help with childcare?

Long term:
Think about new jobs

You sound as if you are under an immense amount of pressure! Having no help with childcare on top of shift work must be so difficult. How old are your children?

I have lost my temper before too when I was under similar work pressure and shouted at my baby, I hate to admit it too, so your not the only one x

My goodness! You aren't a rubbish mum, you are a rockstar! That sounds incredibly hard. I don't have anything that hard going on and it still drives me nuts when one of the kids accidentally head butts me or pulls my hair.

Have you looked into whether you are entitled to any benefit top ups to try and ease some of the pressure. I don't know details but I believe UC is sometimes available if you are on joint income, are you claiming child benefit, what about housing benefit?

I'm so sorry I can't suggest anything more useful. But please be kind to yourself. Adding guilt and remorse to your plate will only add to your burn out!

Feel like she hates me. I've had to go upstairs and scream.into a pillow cos I don't know if I can do this anymore

Sick pay is non existent. Statutory at most. If I called in sick I wouldn't get paid. Genuinely hoped I had covid for one moment so I didn't have to work.

OP I have so much sympathy. Is there anyone at all like a neighbour you can ask to take her for a walk in her pushchair so you can have a nap/go for a bath?

This is such a hard time.

Would your DP be at least able to take a day off so you can rest in your off tube, just for a day?

Please have a look and see if you are entitled to any benefits. I’m not sure but I’m sure if a baby is under one you can get full benefits to stay home and take care of her and then will only be expected to work part time while she is young and they will too you up. Even if your partner works full time if he is on minimum wage you should definitely get some benefits. You are not a bad mum at all, I’m exhausted just reading your post. If you hominy be website entitled to and put in your husbands earnings and say for the purpose of the search you didn’t work at all or worked part time it will tell you how much you would get if that were the case.

So I put the amount my husband is working into the entitled to website and put that.i wasn't working and got about 130 pound a week. We can't live off that. So I have no choice to work. I just give up. I've had enough. I wouldn't say I'm suicidal but i dont want.to be here anymore.

Can you at least reduce your hours? I’m so sorry it sounds really difficult for you. Is there any way you can cut back on your expenses or living costs?

@Smokeymirror we are as low as we can go. We have a loan with 4 years left on it. We took it out when times were good. We used it to consolidate debt. To help with our mortgage. We've tightened our belt as much as we can. No luxuries at all. I walk to work which is 4 miles every morning to save a taxi cost and walk back. My husband does the same. We don't drive, drink, smoke. We have nothing like Netflix or anything, don't even have a tv license. The only luxuries we buy are pampers nappies. Purely cos they don't leak.

Oh gosh lovely I’m so very sorry for your situation, I know what it’s like to struggle. Can you appeal to your loan provider to reduce payments for a while. I have a few debts and I’ve found if you write to them they usually are happy to come to some arrangement. It’s crap that people have to struggle so much it really is x

Also walking 4 miles sounds horrendous in the heat and also in other weather extremities. At the least I hope you can find work closer to home.

You’re walking 8 miles a day, 6 days a week, on at most 6 hours sleep, with the other 18 hours work or childcare?

OP something has got to give here, before you do. I say that as someone who has juggled childcare and working 60+ hours p/w as a lone parent - it has made me incredibly ill.

I’m not sure what it is- can you speak to your bank about extending the loan terms, to reduce monthly outgoings?

@wiggleshasmylife this sounds so hard.

Possible ideas - a secondhand woman's bike can usually be picked up for a really reasonable amount (or if your employer does it, you could even do bike2work which comes out of your salary and is 70% off) which would get you there in less than 30 mins and save energy. You can get a helmet and lock as part of that.

Go and see your local Citizens Advice Bureau and see if they can help. They might be able to re-check for you to see if anything has changed to help you get more benefits or Universal Credit.

Speak to your Loan provider and see whether you can amend the term.