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Original poster

I don't know how to handle DDs friend

42 replies

monkifish · 26/06/2021 12:51

We live on an estate. There are loads of kids and they all play together. There is one girl the same age as my DD. They are both only childreThey are both 4 although my DD just turned 4 and her friend is nearly 5.

There are lots of really positive things about friend. She's bright and fun. But on the negative side she's extremely impulsive and naughty. They only ever want to play at our house and in our garden.

So far today she has: tried to shut me into my garden shed, hit my DH on the head and rifled through my bedside table. She's just everywhere and into everything. She seems to have no ability to censor herself. Her parents are really strict, and I can see why.

I don't want to make her unwelcome and I'm really happy for DD that she has a friend on tap.

But I feel so stressed around her and I have to intervene constantly on fights and behaviour. Also constantly catering as she eats non stop!

I feel like I have two kids as she's around so much.

Help!

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Logoplanter · 26/06/2021 13:02

Not much help but I couldn't be bothered with that - too much hard work.

If they get on well and your daughter likes her I'd try taking them out to the playground or soft play as you may find it easier. You could try speaking to the other parents to see if they will encourage the kids to split the time between your house and theirs. It isn't on for you to essentially have to look after their child!

Original poster
monkifish · 26/06/2021 13:09

I can't be bothered with it either.

I took them to the playground last weekend but then I had to manage her terrible behaviour at the playground and in a way it was worse than being at home.

She was that kid who climbs up the slide and then wouldn't move so other kids could use it, pushed a swing into another child's face (by accident but still...)

Her parents try to get them to play at their house but my DD doesn't like it there.

I think I'm going to have to limit her coming round unfortunately.

OP posts:
UhtredRagnarson · 26/06/2021 13:10

Restrict her to the garden.

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LeonoraFlorence · 26/06/2021 13:11

Honestly I’d limit her time round at yours. Sounds stressful!

ChocOrange1 · 26/06/2021 13:13

Definitelt limit how much she comes over, she doesn't sound like a good influence and it also sounds like a real pain for you to have to look after her.

CaptainBarbossa · 26/06/2021 13:14

You need to set some clear boundaries and time limits. And return visits could mean their DD in your garden one time, and then taking your DD and theirs to the park the next time. It doesn't have to be at their house (or yours!)

CommanderBurnham · 26/06/2021 13:15

Time to set some boundaries. Both in terms of when she does come round and her behaviour when she is at yours. 'At our house visitors only go upstairs if invited' 'We wait for everyone to finish eating before we play. 'etc.

Then: I'm afraid I'll have to take you home.

March her home a couple of times and she'll either start to behave, or not come back.

LIZS · 26/06/2021 13:15

How convenient that it is always your home and garden. Do her parents ever give you a break on return? They can equally go to the playground if home is off limits. How well do you know them?

SnarkyBag · 26/06/2021 13:15

Limited time i.e 30/45 minutes tops in the garden, fully supervised with strong rules. Straight home as soon as any nonsense starts. I wouldn’t even entertain inside play at this point.

CaptainBarbossa · 26/06/2021 13:17

Do you have to offer food at all? If you stick to short play dates and she brings a water bottle there shouldn't be any need for food at all. Or you could ask that if you are taking her out she has a packed lunch?

Rainallnight · 26/06/2021 13:18

Yes, if you still want her to be friends with your DD, you need some massive boundaries in place and straight home for overstepping them.

DD has a good friend who’s like a little whirling dervish and I found her first visit at ours very stressful. Now I lay down some rules, not going upstairs being one of them

SoThisisMe · 26/06/2021 13:19

Almost 5 as in has done almost a whole school year already?
If so I would sit her down, tell her your house rules (no hitting, stay downstairs/in the garden, snacks only what you would normally give your own DD etc) and every time she breaks one, take her home.
Get her parents on board with the plan as if she carries on like this there will be many places she won't be welcome as she gets older.
I'd also be a bit wary of having her around your own DD so much as if she sees her friend getting away with behaviour like that why shouldn't she!

boomwhacker · 26/06/2021 13:19

She's very young to be coming to play without a parent. Honestly OP, I think you need to put your own DD first here. She sounds like a dreadful role model for her.

peekiboo · 26/06/2021 13:20

DC1 is like this. There is no way I would send him anywhere unsupervised

TheYearOfSmallThings · 26/06/2021 13:20

You need to learn to say no to her, and handle her differently than your DD. My DS(6) has a friend like this, and it took me a while to learn how to communicate with him. "NO. Don't go in my room. OUT. NOW." "NO. Off the slide. NOW." "NO. No snacks. Go home if you're hungry."

I don't speak to DS like that, but his friend (actually a very nice kid) has the hide of a rhino and needs clear firm instructions. He's quite happy with this and knows I will boot him out if he annoys me.

Namechercanged · 26/06/2021 13:23

Straight home any time she is naughty. She needs you to keep the firm boundaries.

Original poster
monkifish · 26/06/2021 13:25

Thanks all. Really good to have some back up in terms of my feelings!

My DD loves all the naughtiness and finds it hilarious but she doesn't really behave any worse as a result as she's generally quite chill.

I don't know friends parents that well but what I do know of them I really like (they are at wits end having to cope with friend at home).

I think what I really resent is that I am usually the parent I want to be because DD is fairly easy most of the time. When friend is here I have to be performative strict parent just to keep control and I hate it.

It's given me new respect for parents with spirited kids anyway.

I think small doses is the way to go. And also zero tolerance for things that really cross the line like hitting. I do wonder about sen as she doesn't seem to be able to stop herself.

DH is relaxed as he thinks kids are just chaos and it's to be expected. Also he lets them run riot.

OP posts:
Lindy2 · 26/06/2021 13:28

It sounds like her parents are on to a good thing. You babysit their hard work child all day and they relax.

You need to start saying no. Set a time for her visiting ie 10am - 12pm and then she needs to go home. When she's hungry send her home to get food from her own home.

Try not to be in as often. If you're going out she can't be with you.

I say this as a parent of a hard work child. DD is older now and is now diagnosed ASD
and ADHD. She was into everything at that age and very hard work. I wouldn't have left her alone with anyone as it's unreasonable for another parent to have to deal with her difficult behaviour.

updownroundandround · 26/06/2021 13:30

@monkifish

Set the rules. Tell her what the rules are. Tell her she'll be 'sent home' if she breaks the rules. Then enforce it. The next time she comes over, stand both girls together and spell it out for them.

  1. No going upstairs.
  2. No hitting.

etc etc

I'd also be curious to find out why your DD 'doesn't like' playing at this girls house ?

NameChange456789 · 26/06/2021 13:37

I'm wondering if she is impulsive and "naughty" because her parents are so strict?

Chamomileteaplease · 26/06/2021 13:45

Even though this child isn't your own I think you and your dh need to be on the same page with regard to discipline. Sounds like this kid needs extremely clear boundaries, even at a friend's house.

I would also literally sit her down and say, look kid, you need to behave better otherwise we will be sending you home if you do x, y or z. And send her home. Be very clear.

And tell your daughter you are sorry to send her friend home but rules is rules Smile. HOpefully the kid will learn.

Figgygal · 26/06/2021 13:50

I can’t believe her parents are leaving her at 4 to play unsupervised at other peoples houses. I have a 4 year old who I wouldn’t leave with neighbours in that way unsupervised
If you’re going to continue to allow her in your home I’d have strict rules in place and take her home If she doesn’t follow them

Spied · 26/06/2021 13:50

I'd restrict play to the garden/outside area.
If friend asks to come in then " No, I'm busy working/got a headache/doing tidying- why don't you play at your house today?"
Tbh I think friends parents are taking you for a mug. They know you are letting her in and looking after her so will be more than happy with the set up as it is.
There's a very good chance the parents will be telling their DD not to invite anyone to their home to play or being as hospitable as you are if she does bring her friend so that could be why your dd hasn't been too keen the odd times she's been there.

Original poster
monkifish · 26/06/2021 14:04

@NameChange456789

I'm wondering if she is impulsive and "naughty" because her parents are so strict?
I thought that too. But honestly I'm the easiest parent in the world and I start bollocking her like mad within minutes of arrival
OP posts:
Eatingsoupwithafork · 26/06/2021 14:10

Oh this is worrying as I sometimes think when my DD gets older she’ll be like this hyper little girl - a whirlwind is the best description! It’s worrying that this may stop her having play dates as whilst she’s a handful she actually has a heart of gold and is all about sharing and inclusion. Having said that you need to set some ground rules and if they’re broken she has to go home, also the other parents need to take their turn too.

It’s hard and people say you shouldn’t be too strict but sometimes with children of this nature you have to be i.e. she kept doing something she shouldn’t at one of her dance classes which was spoiling the other childrens lesson. I calmy told her if she didn’t stop we’d go home, she didn’t stop so we went home. The next week she was good as gold and didn’t do it again!