I don't know how to handle DDs friend

[monkifish]

We live on an estate. There are loads of kids and they all play together. There is one girl the same age as my DD. They are both only childreThey are both 4 although my DD just turned 4 and her friend is nearly 5.

There are lots of really positive things about friend. She's bright and fun. But on the negative side she's extremely impulsive and naughty. They only ever want to play at our house and in our garden.

So far today she has: tried to shut me into my garden shed, hit my DH on the head and rifled through my bedside table. She's just everywhere and into everything. She seems to have no ability to censor herself. Her parents are really strict, and I can see why.

I don't want to make her unwelcome and I'm really happy for DD that she has a friend on tap.

But I feel so stressed around her and I have to intervene constantly on fights and behaviour. Also constantly catering as she eats non stop!

I feel like I have two kids as she's around so much.

Help!

Clear boundaries, and straight home as soon as she is naughty. Let her own parents deal with it.

I would limit time to say an hour or so .Then you have to "go out" or have things for DD to do ie .see DGM .If its lunchtime ,send her home and say firmly see you in a couple of days .If weather is good just go out!

I agree on sending home. Annoys me that I feel we have to go out to avoid her though.

Wow that's sounds more than just spirited. If she's nearly 5 is she at school or in nursery? I'd be making sure it wasn't always at mine and definitely wouldn't be taking her out. I agree it's far worse in public

I would ask her parents what strategies work best with her, what consequences motivate her best etc.

Absolutely keep the "play dates" short and set out your expectations at the start.

Definitely see her less
DS has a few friends like this and I only let them come rarely and for limited time because they stress me out and my house looks like a bomb site afterwards.
Last time this one kid came over they did an 'ice bucket challenge' all over the trampoline, ground crisps and biscuit crumbs into my floor and left empty packets all over, managed to break a cup and cut themselves, shot nerf gun pellets all over and then broke the gun.
All whilst yelling non stop at high volume and attacking DS (which DS says is fun)
That is the last time he'll be coming for a few months.
When he invites himself after school I just say 'no it's not convenient today.'

I think if she’s nearly 5 that’s old enough to tell her that if she chooses to not behave appropriately she can’t come round and I would tell the parents the same. I couldn’t be arsed with that.

Just be really strict and she might not want to come round anymore. I know some people find telling other people's kids off difficult, but if it's your house, you're in charge. Sometimes chilled out kids need their parents to step in for them,because they don't actually like the behaviour, but don't know how to stop it.

V awkward with parents as they are (a) super strict and (b) neighbours. Feel like I'm getting her into masses of trouble and also it's just embarrassing. No one wants to hear that their child is a nightmare.

I would have firm boundaries, any time she crosses them she goes home. Maybe ask the neighbour if you can come with your DD on visits to their house as DD is less confident. If they are super strict (with apparently good reason) then they probably won't be phased by you needing to put in boundaries and in many ways the more you have similar boundaries to them the quicker she will learn to respect them. Maybe invite them around and have a clear discussion with them as they sound as if they would be open to sharing strategies with you.

They already know she is a nightmare!

@Cattitudes

They already know she is a nightmare!

I agree!

That's why she's round at yours so much

It's easy to imagine - parents are fed up with her and tired and probably suggest she goes to play with your dd

Then they breathe a sigh of relief as she trots off to yours...

I just wouldn't have her, frankly.

And I'd be saying to her parents, I'm afraid her behaviour is too poor to have her here without you to supervise.

I wouldn't tiptoe round it. If they are at their wit's end coping at home they must surely realise she's not able to go off to other people's houses. I don't understand why you would tolerate someone else's kid behaving badly.

Quite frankly I wouldn't encourage this friendship. It's really not good for your dd to have this girl come into her home and be disrespectful and naughty. And you said you had to intervene on fights?

If she's hitting adults, rooting through your stuff there is no way she's not pushing your dd around and disrespecting her belongings also.

Teach your dd this behaviour is not acceptable and how to have boundaries. It's absurd you would put up with this behaviour from a 5 year old in your own home.

@monkifish

V awkward with parents as they are (a) super strict and (b) neighbours. Feel like I'm getting her into masses of trouble and also it's just embarrassing. No one wants to hear that their child is a nightmare.

Most parents already know!

My ds was the most passive child with a heart of gold. But he's autistic.

That came with challenges and if anyone ever told me "he did x" I'd be aware.

I think you’re going to find yourself in a predicament as these people are neighbours and seem to have low boundaries in terms of allowing their young child to spend a lot of time elsewhere.

I think honestly is going to be the best policy here. You need to find a kind way to say the child’s behaviour is too ‘spirited’ for you to parent and you’re concerned they are going to get hurt on your premises. So the parent needs to supervise the child’s behaviour on prearranged play dates.

I feel for you as this is awkward to sort out.

We are really pally with our 6 neighbours (we live on a small estate). The kids are aged from 1 to 6. They do go play in each other’s gardens without every single parent supervising but we are all extremely respectful & take it in turns to some degree, depending on who is playing out etc. I wouldn’t dream of letting my DD into another garden or house without triple checking it was OK with the family whose house/garden it was. I also tell her very firmly to behave or she’ll be straight back home. Luckily DD is an angel with other people 😂 I also wouldn’t offer food without double checking it was OK & the other families do the same.

Deffo need some boundaries here OP. A chat to the parents & child maybe! It is not your responsibility to look after this child! If the worst comes to the worst, can you not just say you are busy & they can’t play today!