Child keeps going missing

[ThisIsNotARealAvo]

DS is adopted and is 13. He is currently missing, having not gone to school this morning and has not come back. I've had a couple of messages from him today, telling me I'm annoying and he will come home when he feels like it.

The police are aware but he has now done this several times in the last few months. He has already been excluded from school, for bringing in a knife, so now he attends a PRU and has a caution from the police.

I'm worried, not so much about his immediate safety but more about how many more times this will happen. Of course I am worried that he will come to some harm, but more worried about the future as I am feeling less and less that we can keep him safe. We adopted him and his younger sister when they were 7 and 5.

He is seen weekly by a psychiatrist and we have endless family therapy, life story work and other interventions, none of which seem to be helping. I don't want the adoption to break down but how can we stop him from running away? We keep everything locked as much as possible, but he will do anything to get out.

Can anyone help me with stories of how this all ends? I don't know how much more I can take, it's also terrifying for DD and of course we are constantly worried he will be hurt.

Is there any help available?

I do understand OP. He sounds very troubled and out of control and extremely stubborn. Despite all that you do for him and the fact that you don't want to give up on him, it's taking its toll on you. No one would blame you if you decided he'd be better in a residential school.

I have some family members who have adopted, please don’t rule out a residential placement. The family members who tried to carry on ended up with two of three being returned to care, the other family were able to pay for boarding school and have managed to avoid that.

This is so very hard for you, but you have done so much for him and it sounds as though being elsewhere away from the influence of his friend might make a huge difference. I hope you find the help he needs 💐

This must be really difficult and stressful for you and the family. If I could suggest anything, try not to imagine there is some resource out there that can fix things that people are withholding from you - there isn't. The reason the professionals you call are at best sympathetic but also seemingly powerless, is because there are no quick fixes when a child is going through this period of seemingly self destructiveness. Use the professionals and engage the team to be your network of support - what have/are they doing currently for children who are exhibiting this type of behavior? Is the newly qualified social worker responsive? Sometimes the less experienced ones are more available, and they will be reporting back to their managers all the time because they are on higher supervision - so although it might not feel as though things are happening - the services will be talking. In terms of what they can do - very similar to your own assessment, activities and programs won't work because you cannot force him to attend. Respite, like you say might not be effective as it could give a message that you are sending him elsewhere (although I think he will know that this is you trying to get help) however its just as easy to run away from a stranger as it is from you. The difference being if there is going to be any switch turning on about empathy for others - he is more likely to have it for his family.

Adolescence is a real time of transition and brain change. Identity is often at the heart of challenges for young people - most are trying to figure out who they are but children with a more complex history (such as biological parents who could not for whatever reason be the full time parent) can set off a host of dilemmas for some young people who can rage against the turmoil. Hes finding others of similar experience - seeking connections with stories that might match his. Ultimately LAs have the same tools you have - foster carers and children's homes, who wont know him like you do but can offer an initial burst of fresh energy. They are unlikely to achieve any change though as where he lives does not sound to be his difficulty - its how he is managing what is going on his thinking. Building a network of people who have been through similar is often found to be the best source of support. Training groups can help with that but I think you need to be with people who have adopted/fostered as its a different experience have you been offered that? There are some very good groups on FB and some national groups that look at this particular challenge of distress in adolescence. Sorry for all the stress you sound amazingly committed and loving.

Hi OP. Just to say you're amazing.

Keep going, and keep coming on here to rant. You're doing all you can- but he's obviously miserable and is testing boundaries as he hits adolescence. Look after yourself. You'll get through this.

You are just amazing OP. Without people like you there would be so many more children in care. I have nothing to add. I just admire the love you clearly have for this child.

Is all the constant therapy a bit intense for him? It sounds a lot.

Is he getting in gangs? That can be very all consuming for the teens and so hard to get out of (not necessarily to do with adoption) If so, is there a local authority team out working with teens on this issue. Could you ask them for advice if this could be an issue

It's very difficult to know who he is getting involved with. I can only hope he is still just with the one same friend and that they are safe.

I'm worried as DS has never come back of his own accord, either we find him or he gets found by police. Police are not doing anything atm as there's no resources. I reported him missing at 8 this morning and they said a unit would come out today, but they haven't. I understand that they are not worried but I am and I really don't know what to do.

He’s pushing you to the limit, and each time he pushes further and further. Many teens ‘run away’ as a means of sub consciously seeing just how far they can push things, and also to see just how much attention they can get. That doesn’t mean they are doing it maliciously.
Here is a child who has had a really awful start in life, and now he’s hit puberty his emotions are all over the place. He wants control back. He had no control around being removed from his parents, being placed with foster carers (I’m assuming that happened) or who ended up adopting him. All life altering decisions that he had no control over. Now, when he behaves negatively, he doesn’t receive any consequences. So how is he going to change? In his mind he may even think you don’t really care - that if you did care you’d punish him. But he’s not able to think straight. He just wants to be in control.
I agree with others, he may well need to spend time in a residential school for children with SEMH. The best schools can, and do, have a positive impact on very challenging children. What is the alternative? Wait until he commits some crime whereby he ends up in a YOP?
This is absolutely awful for you all; he needs to want you to help him before you can actually really help him.

Sorry to hear you and your child are struggling. May be an unhelpful suggestion but if he feels the need to take risks are you able to sign him up for some more risking sports? Climbing? Circus skills (Ariel), boxing, surfing? Depending where you live, or even team games where a bit of adrenaline gets pumping? Rugby? Perhaps that could work as an outlet for the risk taking and some aggression/ frustration. I found with my child at that age although they pushed for more freedom they actually needed and appreciated clear firmer boundaries. Nothing draconian but set times to be bk and not out every day for example.

Hadn't read your response sorry, activities are off the cards I can see. It's shocking how little the police are doing or the LA to find a vulnerable 13 year old child. Hope you're able to find him again soon.

DS is still missing. He is probably somewhere local but doesn't seem to want to come back. I have no idea when he will come back as he has never come back of his own accord and either the police will find him or we will, if not he is unlikely to return. I think he is at a a friends house locally, at least at night. The friend he is with keeps returning home and then running off again. It's so frustrating and as we are now learning, there will be no magic answer to stop it happening in the future.

Really sorry to hear this.

Are you doing anything that can bring you relief, escape and pleasure? I hope you are - you probably need it.

Honestly, the young do put us through the wringer. It's desperately unfair that he won't give himself a fraction of the care you have for him. It's frustrating that he can't look forward, imagine hard enough, what he should do now to secure his future self somewhere comfortable. And it's horrible that you have to see and know all this without being able to do anything.

But you are doing everything you can for him.

Please do some things for you. You can't care and care and care without also caring for you. Even if it's just swimming - that's quite calming; like a watery massage, and you can let the water carry your worry for a bit.

Anyway, still here. Thinking about you, listening. And hoping for the best. xxx

Thanks everyone, DH went to look for him and found him yesterday. He's back, but now I'm just waiting for him to go again and bracing myself.

@ThisIsNotARealAvo this must be so hard. I think you are doing the right thing though, he is clearly pushing boundaries and waiting for them to break. I have read your updates and I agree respite whilst a lovely thought is probably the wrong thing to do. He needs to know that whatever (within reason) he does you are still there for him.

Is there maybe room for a middle ground. A calm conversation maybe that starts with yes you can do what you want, but...

1. if he wants to be treated in a more adult way with more freedom then that is fine but with that comes responsibility ie returning home by 10pm (then negotiate back to 1030) or letting you know where he is sleeping if he isn't coming home.
2. violence is not acceptable towards anyone, nor is criminal behaviour. So long as he is behaving then all you want to know is who he is with and what time he will be back...less regimented demands may ease his fight or flight 3)adults have roles in the home that have to be fulfilled before they can piss of doing what they want. So he needs to walk dog/empty dishwasher/whatever small menial task before he leaves the house

I am guessing you have tried it but I am just wondering if trying to take the authority talk out of it might help, especially ifnits in the sense of yes you can do what you want to a degree but I would appreciate it if x was done before hand.

If he sees that there is no anger or resentment and only love and acceptance it may start to take some of the heat out of his head?

He is clearly a very troubled boy. You are doing your best in an awful situation. I hope the SW can help you access support for yourself

I have no experience op and clearly there is trauma in the mix here but have you considered Sen, eg PDA at all? It sounds as though you are already doing all you can to keep demand to a minimum.

Is there any adult he trusts at the PRU who could talk to him?

So when a child goes missing there is no nationwide search, no tearful press conference, nothing. My son was missing Monday - Wednesday last week, same this week. He was found by DH both times. Then he went again on Thursday night and is not back.

Police are being absolutely useless. As someone who has never really been involved with the police, I always imagined a missing child would be treated with some sense of urgency. Instead, you get a phone call every day from a different officer who never has all the information and tells you they are doing all they can.

We have told the police the following information: DS could be with his girlfriend on the other side of London, he could be with a friend who has gone missing too and is believed to be going to see his mum who he doesn't live with, he lied to the police about who he was with but then told us some details which we have passed on, he spent part of the week with a friend from school who told police DS was terrified of a grey van and had been sleeping in an abandoned building. None of this has been acted on. The police have not made a single call, have not requested phone records, have not contacted the girlfriend's family even after we found TikTok videos of her saying she wanted them to run away together. They have not checked to see whether the boys are with the other child's mum, they have not done a single thing other than circulate his picture to each other. Each time we speak to someone at the police we have to tell the whole story from the very beginning, taking an hour or more each time. Then they don't seem to log any of it on the system.

Never has the old Mumsnet advice to log it with 101 seemed more pointless.