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Original poster

Child keeps going missing

66 replies

ThisIsNotARealAvo · 21/06/2021 21:30

DS is adopted and is 13. He is currently missing, having not gone to school this morning and has not come back. I've had a couple of messages from him today, telling me I'm annoying and he will come home when he feels like it.

The police are aware but he has now done this several times in the last few months. He has already been excluded from school, for bringing in a knife, so now he attends a PRU and has a caution from the police.

I'm worried, not so much about his immediate safety but more about how many more times this will happen. Of course I am worried that he will come to some harm, but more worried about the future as I am feeling less and less that we can keep him safe. We adopted him and his younger sister when they were 7 and 5.

He is seen weekly by a psychiatrist and we have endless family therapy, life story work and other interventions, none of which seem to be helping. I don't want the adoption to break down but how can we stop him from running away? We keep everything locked as much as possible, but he will do anything to get out.

Can anyone help me with stories of how this all ends? I don't know how much more I can take, it's also terrifying for DD and of course we are constantly worried he will be hurt.

Is there any help available?

OP posts:
Terminallysleepdeprived · 21/06/2021 21:34

At the risk of asking a really stupid question, have you asked him why he keeps running away and what he thinks might help resolve it?

My friend adopted 2 girls, not related. Her first adoption was a huge success, had child from age 2, is about to turn 19 and apart from making me feel exceptionally old it has been a huge success.

Child 2 not so great, like your da would regularly run away, refuse to come home. Was safe sp police could not remove her etc.

It has since broken down, but the result being my friend and child 2 have a much closer relationship.

30degreesandmeltinghere · 21/06/2021 21:37

Is he testing if you will always go look for him or give up on him like his birth parents did? I didn't see my 14 yo ds for a year due to rebellion.. Whenever he did text me I always told him I loved him. Love bomb if you can op. He needs it.
Poor bairn. 13 is a tough age. Not quite a kid, not quite an adult...

Original poster
ThisIsNotARealAvo · 21/06/2021 21:43

He says he does it because we are not letting him have the freedom he thinks he should have. He is allowed out as long as he has a rough plan, agrees a time to be back and lets us know if he's running late.

Last week he was brought back by the police as he was caught vandalising a car. Luckily for him the owner didn't want to take it any further.

We do not come down hard on him ever, there is no point as it makes everything worse. Even after the car incident we were really calm and talked about it. He admits the only think he wants to do is take risks and do dangerous things "for fun".

OP posts:
SilenceOfTheNaans · 21/06/2021 21:45

Fwiw I put my parents through the mill. I would disappear after school and not go home, would skive school all the time, spoke to my parents terribly, major communication break down. I was awful to be around.

I smoked, drank, partook in my fair share of recreational drugs as a teen and was brought home by the police multiple times.

There quite possibly would have been a total relationship breakdown if it wasn't for my Mum blindly standing by me and picking up the pieces for me when needed. I left school at 15 got a job and slowly put my life back together.

My parents are my best friends now and we've had multiple discussions over the years that I've instigated to try and understand it because I don't know when, why or where I went off the rails really. I will forever try and make it up to them despite it being entirely forgiven and forgotten on their part.

The biggest concern for me would be the knife. Has he fallen in with a bad crowd? Expressed to you how he feels at all?

Somuddled · 21/06/2021 21:49

Hello OP, may I suggest you ask Mumsnet to move this post to the adoption board? You will get lots of great support there.

I recall the section on running away in the therapeutic parenting book by Sarah Naish said something about trying to feed them each time them come back/are returned. It said a lot of other things too though but I don't remember the rest. Will try to look it up for you.

KangarooSally · 21/06/2021 21:51

Can you get him involved in Scouts or Venturers? He can have the fun of doing dangerous things (abseiling, canoeing etc) that aren't illegal

Ozanj · 21/06/2021 21:52

@ThisIsNotARealAvo

He says he does it because we are not letting him have the freedom he thinks he should have. He is allowed out as long as he has a rough plan, agrees a time to be back and lets us know if he's running late.

Last week he was brought back by the police as he was caught vandalising a car. Luckily for him the owner didn't want to take it any further.

We do not come down hard on him ever, there is no point as it makes everything worse. Even after the car incident we were really calm and talked about it. He admits the only think he wants to do is take risks and do dangerous things "for fun".

Are there any legitimate and dangerous things he’d like to try like bouldering / climbing / parkour, learn how to stunt bike or skateboard? Would he like those driving lessons for under 16s? I think maybe have an open chat about this and offer up a few fun activities linked to several specific activities he must do every week.
Original poster
ThisIsNotARealAvo · 21/06/2021 21:57

He won't do any activities. We have offered everything. They are all "boring". He has terribly low self esteem, massive trauma and is probably suffering from depression but we can't get a diagnosis. For years he wouldn't leave the house without a huge amount of preparation, except to go to school which if he eventually started refusing to do in Y6.

We do everything right as far as we can manage, he is very well looked after and very loved. He is nurtured, we do not expect a lot from him in terms of homework or chores as he cannot manage this.

OP posts:
headintheproverbial · 21/06/2021 22:09

OP, I don't have anything to add but just wanted to say how lovely you sound. I can't even imagine the stress and anxiety all this must cause for you.

SunsetOnTheHorizon · 21/06/2021 22:21

I'd like to put my two pence worth in, is he into any kind of rap music or does he look upto any one in popular cuture? If yes, perhaps he could spend a day with a artist of his preference.

Another thing, if he is attracted to doing illegal activity. I suggest someone in Prison or an ex-prisoner have a chat with him, obviously will need to to be arranged by the correct organisations,but maybe someone who has made the wrong decisions in life could make him think twice about his actions.

Mistyplanet · 22/06/2021 09:51

That must be awful. Are you sure he cant manage household chores? Getting him involved with helping round the house could help him with a sense of purpose and confidence. Things like unloading the dishwasher, learning to cook some basic dishes. I know its not the answer to everything but by letting him getaway with not contributing to the home your doing a disservice in that he wont be able to fend for himself when hes an adult which isnt far away.
Also i recommend you buy him a skateboard. He doesn't have to go anywhere on it to start with but even if he plays about with it outside the house hopefully he'll gain some confidence and eventually he might want to go to the skatepark which would be good for his self esteem and meeting others.

Original poster
ThisIsNotARealAvo · 22/06/2021 10:01

He has a skateboard, a bike and anything else he has remotely shown interest in. He is not into music. The only thing he likes is walking around the streets with a friend. He likes Xbox but doesn't care if it's taken away.

Children who have lost everything by being taken into care don't care if they lose it all again, in a way. Also, he sees it as inevitable that he will go back into care, and sometimes adopted children do whatever they can to see what it will take for them to go back to care.

He still hasn't come back so has not been seen since 9 yesterday morning and we haven't heard from him since 5.30 yesterday evening. We established he's with a friend but have no idea where they are. How do the police find people? I don't even know if they are looking really.

Also, are we expected to just accept that this is what kids do? There's no talk of how anyone can help us to stop him doing this.

If we ask him why he does it he will just say it's because he wants to and because we are unfair as we don't let him walk the streets whenever he wants, committing crimes.

OP posts:
Oblomov21 · 22/06/2021 10:18

Do you have any support at all? Is there a social worker or someone in charge of your case?

Not that I'm saying that you should, but what happens when the adopter threatens? Ie it's broken down, your'll have to take this child back if you don't offer me better support?

Oblomov21 · 22/06/2021 10:21

What does he say? When in the past you've talked about it, That you know that many children push to try and deliberately get themselves back into care.

And directly asking him if he's testing you, and if that's how he sees it going? Is that really what he wants.

mahrezzy · 22/06/2021 10:23

Sending hugs. The therapeutic parenting group on FB may have some parents on there who have been through similar. Or there’s an Attachment Disorders group too (you’ve not mentioned attachment stuff but there’s lots of adopters on there too).

He sounds similar to a friend’s biological son who ended up having a really hard time with knives, gangs and county lines… he’s doing really well now (he’s 16 and hasn’t been in any trouble for six months) but my friend was phoning the police daily for years as he kept disappearing. She stuck by him the best she could but also found trying to stop him from running off impossible. I’m dreading the teen years.

RestingPandaFace · 22/06/2021 10:34

Are your LA aware of the issues, and are the aware that he missing overnight. He would be classed as high risk so they may be able to step up the police efforts.

If he is thrill seeking maybe a PP was on to something about trying to find ways to allow this in a controlled environment.

DistrictCommissioner · 22/06/2021 10:37

I have no experience but this must be very distressing for you, him & your family.

I suppose he wouldn't engage, but I wonder about an older mentor - perhaps one who is care experienced, or has spent time in prison?

Original poster
ThisIsNotARealAvo · 22/06/2021 10:45

Thanks everyone for the support. We have a SW but they are so stretched and she's about 22 and new to the profession. I don't know what would happen if we threaten to break down the adoption, but I really don't want that to happen so I can't go there atm.

There's a lot of focus on our parenting, attachment work and he does see several different professionals but none of it seems to be making a dent in the amount of trauma he is suffering.

OP posts:
Christmasfairy2020 · 22/06/2021 10:56

How's his sister? Is she OK?
What area are you roughly. Isit county lines. Get him to watch countylines film on amazon prime

Christmasfairy2020 · 22/06/2021 10:58

Have you spoken to said friends mum?

Original poster
ThisIsNotARealAvo · 22/06/2021 10:58

His sister is terrified but she's a very different person and much easier to parent. He knows all about county lines from school. We are in South London so drugs are everywhere and he thinks they are brilliant too.

OP posts:
Original poster
ThisIsNotARealAvo · 22/06/2021 10:59

The friend is in care, his SW is involved and we've had contact with the carer who hasn't got a clue where they are either.

OP posts:
clareykb · 22/06/2021 11:06

Hi Op I work for social services. Do you have an out of hours emergency duty team in your area? They might be worth calling when he is missing overnight as it would raise his profile as a vulnerable child and you might get more support from services. It is really, really common for adopted kids to have issues like this at his age, I know where we work there is an edge of care team who provide therapeutic social work for teens and older kids where there is a risk of family break down. Is that a possibility?

Mountaingoatling · 22/06/2021 11:09

I think your point about those who have lost everything not caring or even wondering how soon they will be back in that position is very astute.

I'm interested you mentioned breaking the adoption in your first post...whilst saying you didn't want to.

But if it is crossing your mind, then he will pick up on it. Maybe the lack of clarity around boundaries here is causing him to find a hard one...could clarity around boundaries help? It seems he is searching for the act or behaviour which is the edge...can you tell him where the edge is?

Oblomov21 · 22/06/2021 11:11

My parents are retired senior SW'ers. For starters a newly qualified SW'er is not experienced enough to take this case. Please complain. Ask her manager to phone you. Put it in writing that (nice as she is) this needs to be escalated to someone more senior.

This (an email) could be very Therapeutic for you because you have the opportunity to say everything you want to say in writing. this is also very important because it creates an audit trail. and there is now evidence of the fact that you've told somebody all the things are going on.

I would also copy in HoY at school. And Senco, and Deputy Head.

Once it's in writing, then they have a case on their hands. Which they won't like!