I don't know how to deal with my son's sadness

[TheSunnySide]

He is 10 years old and lives with me but sees his dad at least every other weekend. We have an amicable relationship and his dad now has another young child (1year old) which has been fantastic for our son but he misses them when away from his dads.

Over the past few months my son has been repeatedly asking me 'what is the point of us being here?' Lately he has complained that he is bored. He is often tearful and sad and asks me if other people feel the same about life and if there is any point to it. He has always been quite dramatic when things go wrong - if he falls and hurts himself he will say his day has been ruined and will talk about it for weeks. If someone is mean to him in school he will carry it with him for the whole day, sometimes refuses to take part in class work because he is still sad about whatever happened at playtime, will take the actions of teachers very personally particularly if he thinks they have been unfair about something. Lately he has started to just be sad, telling me he cried at playtime because he was thinking about why we are here.

He has a nice group of friends in our street and will play out quite happily for ages but then if someone upsets him he runs back in and asks me to 'go and talk to their parents' then complains that I won't (usually because I don't want to go marching up to speak to parents about silly childish spats I think my son should be able to negotiate himself).

I don't know if this is the effect of Covid (the boredom and the 'what is life for?') or something more, like real depression that I should be concerned about. He has happy times too, is sociable and outgoing with people he knows.

I spend a lot of time trying to teach him the skills to deal with issues, listening to him and offering advice. I think it is good that he will still come and talk to me about his problems but I am increasingly frustrated by his holding on to upsets for days on end and end up wanting to tell him to just pull himself together (I don't). We are not religious so the meaning of life questions usually end with me explaining that it is not unusual for humans to worry and wonder about why we are here but I find it hard to get over to him that it is a waste of time to spend life agonising over such questions.

He definitely needs less screen time and more time focused on family activities which I have been working on the last few weeks. What else can I do? Does anyone else have this with their kids? Is it just normal or should I worry?

Hi OP, your have probably looked at all this stuff but have you thought about looking into things to improve his general resilience? He may benefit from some help in that area.

I get the difficulties with answering questions on our purpose in life. My family isn’t religious but we have always been open to the idea that sometimes your purpose finds you based on your life experiences - sometimes that can happen at a later stage in life and change over time. Mine was different at 20 to what it is now in my 30’s. who knows what burning injustice he will want to focus on! Perhaps he could spend some time thinking about things he cares about and how to help?

My brother was a gentle child (back when it wasn’t really on to be a gentle boy) and struggled during the pre-teen and teen years. He had a breakdown, lots of therapy and some anti-anxiety/depressants and eventually came out of it when he took up a strong social justice cause and moved to London in his late teens. He is doing amazing now, but he had such a difficult time when he was younger. So it might be more serious - maybe you are asking the question because your instinct says it might be? If so, I think you should follow your instinct.

Wishing you both the very, very best! Xx

Thank you so much for your understanding.

I do think his resilience needs work but am unsure how to help. I have recently taken him out on walks and he's had a real sense of achievement as a result and I am keen to do more this summer. I am trying to give him a little more independence too.

Yes I do worry that he may be suffering from the same kind of mental health issues that some of my family have suffered. As I am a more of a 'buckle up and get on with it' kind of person I am finding it hard to always be sympathetic.

I remember 10 as being very difficult with my DS actually - a lot of Big Emotions swirling round, a feeling that the world is broadening and it's harder to find your place in it, parents aren't infallible, etc etc.

And don't underestimate the upset of a new baby - while he may be absolutely delighted most of the time, there will be difficult feelings around a new child being with his father all the time, there probably was a residual hope the two of you would get back together, no matter how wildly unlikely that would seem to the adults involved. Plus corona - hard yards all round.

I'd keep doing what you're doing but I would also keep things reasonably brisk. Lots of activities. Anything that will build confidence. But also talk about the big questions with a 'I dunno, what do you think?'.

He is catastrophising. I'd get him a good talking therapy person to work through his thinking with him. Yes he needs to develop his resilience and more flexible thinking.

Thank you.

His dad has recently split up with his partner (again) so I know that is a difficult thing for him. He is worried that his brother will only see his dad in the same way he does, and see his brother even less.

He is having some help in school and has always had really good support there.

How do I go about getting g talking therapy? I am his main source of that kind of thing at the moment.

Have you thought about mindfulness/meditation for him too? You can download apps for kids and both Calm and Headspace have kids meditations on there. I use the Calm app for myself and with my DD9 who gets very emotional and we both find it really helpful. It helps with that existential dread sort of feeling for me. It also helps me with the strategy for dealing with DD too, instead of not knowing what to say I now can say "remember that's just a thought you're having, it's not the truth it's just a thought passing by", "you're feeling sad right now, that's interesting what does your sad feeling feel like today? The sad emotion is passing through your body right now and that's fine, soon a different emotion will pass through". And letting him talk about how he's feeling while you just listen, rather than advise, can be a really helpful approach. It also helps you to know you only need to listen not come up with the answers. I agree professional help from a therapist or councelling may help too, but if you go down the NHS route you may want to use self help methods while you are waiting. You could either search for a therapist privately or speak to the GP to get started. The school may also be able to advise on any local support that might be available.

Have a look on this website
www.psychotherapy.org.uk/find-a-therapist/

What you need is a psychotherapist. They can talk it through with him and explain there are actually ways of thinking. Perhaps also how to articulate what is actually worrying him.

There's also really good books on Amazon we've been using let me get you the links. A great start to CBT basically. You read and work through the book with him

smile.amazon.co.uk/dp/1591473144/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_apa_glt_fabc_JY3100YF5CMG31ZGVF4N

I would start with this book. An excellent author.

I agree with PP that his resilience needs work too. If he says to 'speak to their parents', I'd get down to his level, eye to eye and say: I won;t do that because you are ten years old and I genuinely believe you are able to handle this sort of thing yourself. People fall out with friends all the time,. People say nasty things or tease people or exclude people every day and we all need to learn how to deal with it. If you need my advice on how you should deal with it, I'll help you. But you don't need grown ups joining in. You can cope with this yourself.

As to the 'what's the point?' I'd take that seriously and praise him for asking such an important question. Tell him lots of thoughtful people wonder that at some point.
Discuss the kinds of conclusions other people have come to such as: Life is a feast to enjoy - make plans, make bucket lists, create goals. Or: we each have a purpose, life is a challenge to find it e.g. dedicating your life to a scientific discovery or medical breakthrough or sports or arts excellence.
I taught my DC something I was taught in my twenties. You draw a square and divide it into 9 sections and put an aspect of life into each one eg School, friends, fitness and health, family, fun, community, personal challenge, religion (if you have one) or nature if you don't. Etc
Then you think about something you'd like to do in each section For a 10 year old that might be e.g. invite X over for tea; learn to skateboard/swim a mile; make a bug hotel/train dog to do a new trick etc. The only one that is essential is community - teaching us to invest in each other. He might want to donate some old toys to charity or make lemonade to raise money for something.

The idea is that you enrich lots of different aspects of life, so that if one goes pear-shaped, the rest support you.

Maybe see if there are philosophy books written for his age?
I studied it in uni many years ago and he would have fit right in with us as first years endless pondering on the meaning of life and how much effect one individual can have on the world or does the world really exist as we perceive it to be etc.
If nothing else it might be helpful for him to see that people have been wondering about and debating this kind of thing for thousands of years. He is not alone.
I also think your walks and giving him a sense of accomplishment and competency is an excellent idea.
Is there a sport/skill he could take up to use some of his focus and energy on?
Geocaching is free and would fit with the walks.

What is the point for him? Does he have short term targets and goals he is working towards (not formally, just things he wants to do)

ds at that age it was things like playing on the football team, reading the Percy Jackson entire series, going on bike rides around our town with friends and plotting how many miles they covered. The problem with screens, which he also used way to much, is unless they are a competitive gamer there is an addictive instant but no long lasting satisfaction.

When he has other things to think about, where he can feel a sense of achievement , it will lift his confidence bit by bit and he might not focus and over dramatise the little things so much.

When he is playing out is he confined to the street or, area depending, being allowed further afield? 10 is a funny age where they want to start spreading their wings and exploring a bit, but at the same time it needs to be done safely. He might be bored if not allowed to explore a bit.

With covid and some clubs being shut or restricted it is harder to "outsource" their interests or give them more independence and they might need more help directly from parents instead. Going on walks is a good one, can he plot the route you took, find out the distance, plan the next walk, have a goal to walk 5k/10k, planning in breaks and food. If the walks are off the beaten track or in an area of interest, how about looking at an ordnance survey map and comparing it to the actual walk/landscape/points of interest, or using the map to plot the route for next weekend and go trying not to get lost!

I found DC got a lot keener on walks when they had a pedometer and then a step counter app on their phones.

Thank you all for your brilliant thoughts. I have actually had a call from school today because they were worried about him so it has made me feel more worried but also kind of relieved that others are aware too.

He has quite a lot of freedom around the couple of streets we live in - with friends in both streets - and last year was supposed to be when he would start walking to the local park but then Covid came along. I am determined that this summer he will have a bit more freedom and time to become
More self reliant. He lacks friends at his dad's house so perhaps I can get Dad to work on taking him to the park and standing back a bit.

@Howzaboutye

https://smile.amazon.co.uk/dp/1591473144/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_apa_glt_fabc_JY3100YF5CMG31ZGVF4N

I would start with this book. An excellent author.

Thank you. I have ordered the book.

Honestly I am a bit relieved to hear this because my 10 year old DD is feeling the same and is very down (and I too have mental illness in my family). I don't have much advice but wanted to offer solidarity and am reading the other posts with interest.

I feel like have failed to be honest. I do not want him to end up being like the people I know who seem to have no joy in life. I work in an education environment and see children daily who are set down the park h of anxiety and misery and I know how long it takes to get help.

Tonight he asked me 'what happens if I am sad tomorrow?' I spoke to him about going to see the GP and he asked 'can I go now?' I am so concerned and upset to see him going through all this. He says it is partly covid and how everything has changed and that he feels sad a lot of the time.

As a single parent I have few resources and little time so I feel like I am bound to fail him. I can't just take time off work and keep him off school because then things would completely go tits up. I am so out of my depth.

Nope. Not at all. You are not failing him!
You are getting him help. No money in the world can replace a caring parent. Better to have one parent than two warring ones.

Work through that book with your son. Lots of reassurance and cuddles. Letting him know that this has been a very strange time for adults as well as children. It's normal to be a bit unsettled by the whole lockdown thing. And we will all get back to normal.

Does he have any hobbies that 'takes himself out of himself'? Like really occupied- airfix, painting, or something. A physical activity that uses a different part of the brain, so it gives his worrying side some time off.

My child's therapist says she's treating so many children, they have been really affected. You, and he are not alone.

Definitely keep him in school. The normal routine is really important.

Having similar here with our 10 yo, OP. Different home circumstances but same issues essentially - only school don’t give a monkeys from what I can see.

You’ll get through it. Good your kid has a questioning nature.

I’m also going to get the worry book, thanks for that.

@Howzaboutye

Nope. Not at all. You are not failing him! You are getting him help. No money in the world can replace a caring parent. Better to have one parent than two warring ones.

Work through that book with your son. Lots of reassurance and cuddles. Letting him know that this has been a very strange time for adults as well as children. It's normal to be a bit unsettled by the whole lockdown thing. And we will all get back to normal.

Does he have any hobbies that 'takes himself out of himself'? Like really occupied- airfix, painting, or something. A physical activity that uses a different part of the brain, so it gives his worrying side some time off.

My child's therapist says she's treating so many children, they have been really affected. You, and he are not alone.

Thank you.

He loves engineering projects and coding. We sat and did a kiwi tinker crate tonight and then put together a Mio robot he has had for a while. He loved doing it but then went back to sadness.

We have talked about having less screen time, watching fewer YouTube videos and he agreed. He has gone to bed early again tonight. I looked at the NHS website and he is showing so many of the signs of childhood depression.

No real advice op but selfishly want to comment so I can read all the helpful suggestions back again, lots of helpful advice. It sounds like you're doing all the right things op. This might be left field but would you consider getting a dog?!

Not sure if this link will work but my son did a confidence building session with this org: www.rolemodels.me

It was really high quality and worth considering as a one off even to see if it's of benefit

What is he watching on YouTube? Practical info stuff? Or social media type drivel?
Step away from YouTube! Spiraling down is not what you want. He needs to ruminate less, not wallow in it.
More coding stuff, maybe enter a competition? Or a Lego challenge?
Learn how to skateboard?

Less social media more real stuff. He will get through this.

@Orangeinmybluelightcup

No real advice op but selfishly want to comment so I can read all the helpful suggestions back again, lots of helpful advice. It sounds like you're doing all the right things op. This might be left field but would you consider getting a dog?!

A dog would be lovely but I have two cats and a small house. I do have a friend with a dog though so will see if we can meet up for a walk.