I don't know how to deal with my son's sadness

[TheSunnySide]

He is 10 years old and lives with me but sees his dad at least every other weekend. We have an amicable relationship and his dad now has another young child (1year old) which has been fantastic for our son but he misses them when away from his dads.

Over the past few months my son has been repeatedly asking me 'what is the point of us being here?' Lately he has complained that he is bored. He is often tearful and sad and asks me if other people feel the same about life and if there is any point to it. He has always been quite dramatic when things go wrong - if he falls and hurts himself he will say his day has been ruined and will talk about it for weeks. If someone is mean to him in school he will carry it with him for the whole day, sometimes refuses to take part in class work because he is still sad about whatever happened at playtime, will take the actions of teachers very personally particularly if he thinks they have been unfair about something. Lately he has started to just be sad, telling me he cried at playtime because he was thinking about why we are here.

He has a nice group of friends in our street and will play out quite happily for ages but then if someone upsets him he runs back in and asks me to 'go and talk to their parents' then complains that I won't (usually because I don't want to go marching up to speak to parents about silly childish spats I think my son should be able to negotiate himself).

I don't know if this is the effect of Covid (the boredom and the 'what is life for?') or something more, like real depression that I should be concerned about. He has happy times too, is sociable and outgoing with people he knows.

I spend a lot of time trying to teach him the skills to deal with issues, listening to him and offering advice. I think it is good that he will still come and talk to me about his problems but I am increasingly frustrated by his holding on to upsets for days on end and end up wanting to tell him to just pull himself together (I don't). We are not religious so the meaning of life questions usually end with me explaining that it is not unusual for humans to worry and wonder about why we are here but I find it hard to get over to him that it is a waste of time to spend life agonising over such questions.

He definitely needs less screen time and more time focused on family activities which I have been working on the last few weeks. What else can I do? Does anyone else have this with their kids? Is it just normal or should I worry?

@Howzaboutye

What is he watching on YouTube? Practical info stuff? Or social media type drivel? Step away from YouTube! Spiraling down is not what you want. He needs to ruminate less, not wallow in it. More coding stuff, maybe enter a competition? Or a Lego challenge? Learn how to skateboard?

Less social media more real stuff. He will get through this.

He likes all the standard idiotic YouTube gamers and lately has been watching people who do animations but I DO think I need to be more aware of what he has been watching and limit his time. It has been all to easy during lockdown to let that slide.

Yep maybe time to crack down on the drivel.

Have a look at this
www.panicandanxietycoach.com/classroom/2016/1/3/blog-what-does-your-vagus-nerve-have-to-do-with-anxiety

Basically the vagus nerve goes through lots of your body. Anxiety can 'burn out' it's normal function. Hence the spiraling negative thoughts. So if you can try to work to rebalance the vagus nerve it will help the brain to be less anxious.

While also doing more physical things and creative things. All adds up slowly but surely to better health.

Super easy way- ohm'ing! Like a yoga om. Feels daft, but 5 mins of ommmming together may make you laugh and vibrate the vagus nerve, helping it get back to normal. Give it a go! See how he feels after a week of that, less YouTube and more physical activity.

Can you challenge him to train one of the cats to do a trick? Something daft and fun.

(I don't mean to offend any YouTube fans, but the whole thing is designed to suck you in so you keep watching and watching. So you see more and more adverts. It can be amazingly educational. But also can waste many hours of your life!)

Aw, OP. It's so hard to see our children suffer.

Are you getting support? How have you been, are you looking after yourself in all of this?

I think it's great that your son is talking to you. Make sure he knows he can continue to do so. Does it feel like he's not getting to the actual root of the upset, I wonder? If he's 'holding onto it', it sounds to me like there's still something he's not able to process. I wonder if going into a different environment might help shift things along? Going for a walk to talk, a drive, maybe, talking later at night, going somewhere unfamiliar?

I wouldn't underestimate the impact of the pandemic and lockdowns, it's been an enormous, and longlasting, ongoing stressor for most of us.

Worth checking diet and water intake, as well as screentime.

Some resourcues that might be helpful:

www.ahaparenting.com/parenting-tools/emotionally-intelligent-child

www.ahaparenting.com/ask-the-doctor-1/regression-coronavirus-pandemic

Why we are here and the point of existence is a reasonable question to ask. My DC have both obsessed about this a lot - it is hard when you first start to realise no one really knows! There are some great philosophy books for kids around now, have a google and try getting a couple for him, and be prepared to discuss it with him. Reassure him it’s OK that there are questions we haven’t answered yet and people do wonder about these things and it’s a sign of having a thoughtful mind.

Realistically the way you describe him presenting now you might not be prioritised for help via CAMHS. They're busier than ever dealing with emergencies... They're absolutely deluged.

There's a good CBT work book for children called "think good feel good" which has worksheets in and exercises which he may engage with. I'm going to go against the grain here and not suggest formal therapy at this stage. It runs the risk of over pathologising his difficulties which are distressing but can also be seen as an understandable response to a situation, developmentally his worries are fairly typical for his age although currently they're becoming more overwhelming. I'm very reluctant to see an illness label put on children too soon, I wonder if you do seek support you do it together as a family intervention so you feel more supported and empowered as a parent. If you can, I'd go private.

The existential type stuff he's coming out with sounds like a combination of his natural temperament being triggered by the boredom and loneliness of the pandemic. It's a very weird and unnatural way we've been forced to live and it's affected children the most

@Turkishangora

The existential type stuff he's coming out with sounds like a combination of his natural temperament being triggered by the boredom and loneliness of the pandemic. It's a very weird and unnatural way we've been forced to live and it's affected children the most

He has mentioned loneliness today and he has been asking the 'what is the point of being here' question for some time. I have always reassured him it is a very normal and often asked question to which there are no easy answers. It just seems lately that he is more tearful and sad than before.

I have been reluctant to go down the therapy path because I have seen how that can lead to a long period of anxiety and helplessness in children and I really feel like he needs some kind of resilience training rather than therapy. However I don't want to get it wrong and miss some serious mental health issue either.

He has always been able to talk to me about the deepest things, we have a close bond. But I also am not sure if he has properly learnt that life has ups and downs and is constantly changing.

When my son gets "caught up in his head". Ie dwelling on how things are so awful for him (usually me taking screens away) I put him to work. What I mean is if hes bored I say- ok come and help me unload the dishwasher, or- come and help me make pancakes- you can crack the eggs. It gets him in motion and out of his head. He's learning life skills and realising he's helpful/ useful. It builds their confidence. Have you given your son enough imput in running the household? Theres always something to do. Teach him to load the washing machine, get him to help with the food shop, putting stuff away, writing a meal plan. Get him cooking, changing his bed sheets etc. My 8 year old son can be very "moody". Hes always been a bit like this since a toddler but also has a very vibrant side as well and resilient. His moods seem to come when he's allowed to do nothing for a long time. He does lots of sports throughout the week which helps, also skateboarding/scooting at the skatepark has been brilliant. It has the challenge he needs, its free and always available and great for the idea of risk taking and confidence. Is your son doing enough sport/music whatever hes interested in ? Is he spending time with friends? Try and maximise all these things and see if that helps. Too much introspection is not good at this age i think.

Weve also pretty much banned YouTube as I realised those gaming youtubers were becoming his role models. We still allow tv and the play station as we can control the content of it but he's no longer allowed to browse whatever he wants on youtube or play games like roblox. He was obsessed with it. Try weaning your sons off games. We arent in lock down now so there is no need for them. Find real world stuff he can do with others. X

For the "what is the point of life" questions, I would tell him that philosophers have been asking that question for thousands of years! Maybe buy him this book to show he's not alone is wondering this:

amazon.co.uk/Childrens-Book-Philosophy-Introduction-Greatest/dp/1409372049/ref=mp_s_a_1_2?dchild=1&keywords=child+philosophy+book&qid=1624342229&sr=8-2]]

Sorry try link again

www.amazon.co.uk/Childrens-Book-Philosophy-Introduction-Greatest/dp/1409372049/ref=asc_df_1409372049/?hvlocphy=9044917&linkCode=df0&hvptwo&psc=1&psc=1&hvnetw=g&hvadid=311219507756&hvpone&hvlocint&th=1&hvpos&hvdev=m&hvdvcmdl&hvqmt&tag=mumsnetforu03-21&hvtargid=pla-526884885788&hvrand=7491261681218160242

Misty, I think that's good advice for anyoen of any age. Get moving, get out into the world, do practical things, try something different.

There is sometimes a point where a mind can't fix a mind, if that makes sense, and you need to approach it from a different angle.

What stories does he like? I think at that age I learned so much from the stories I read. Especially adventures where young people take matters into their own hands, they made me feel like I too could do those things. I think I lived so much through stories that they framed my thoughts a lot. I’m sure great fiction can teach resilience and purpose where just explaining the concepts in words may struggle to break through.

Also perhaps you can take on some “purpose” together whether that’s getting involved in a litter pick or making your garden bee friendly or gathering some items for a food bank or whatnot. A purpose to help others can sometimes be the best way to help yourself.

I wish you the best. I hope your DS feels better soon.

Thank you for the book recommendations

I have ordered the philosophy one and the 'what to do when you worry too much' book came yesterday. He wasn't too keen on the idea of a mental worry box yesterday but has come back to me today and said he will try it.

Today he has talk about being an only child and how hard it is to make friends. I have suggested joining some activity clubs like Parkour if they are running. He is also keen to see his grandmother which we can do in her garden now.

Pokémon go? It's good fun, gets you out of the house.

I think a group like the scouts might be good? There would be slightly older children which may help with the independence/resilience and they tend to do activities that are both physically and mentally stimulating.

Sadly his experience of Beavers was not a good one, both he and his friend left the group because the person running it was very difficult. Long story short she told me each week to leave quickly as he always settled once I had gone so I made him go week after week only to have her suddenly turn on me one week and tell me he had never enjoyed it and it was better that he leave if he couldn't cope with it. I had to put in an official complaint.

We have had more tears today and he called childlike which helped a bit for a short while.

My parenting book stash 🤦🏻‍♀️