Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Parenting

For free parenting resources please check out the Early Years Alliance's Family Corner.

Flip

1 2

Original poster

AIBU and not understanding enough...

26 replies

soulful22 · 20/06/2021 20:52

So I have two kids (5 and 3). My partner works a lot. Seven days a week. Late nights in the week. And even coming home and doing more work. At least one weekend day is all day long. If not both days of the weekend. And this is all year round except 2 weeks at Xmas and 6 weeks the last term of school which he still works but no lates and no weekends. (so just before summer hols, unfortunately not during)
He rarely takes holiday (saying he just can't)

I've tried hard to accept it for what it is. Which is it's his job/ career. But I do get fed up a lot of the time as it's always just me and the kids. Every evening, homework, bed time, bath times, house work etc. Every weekend finding thing to keep them entertained, playing with them etc. Dealing with their tantrums and fights. I do work full time as well (mon-fri)
Then when he does have time off. He doesn't have alot of patience with the kids. (He does try but I guess it's not in his nature). I try to ask ways we can try to deal with the tantrums. But he always just says I don't know. The kids are always calling for me even when he is here. It can all get very overwhelming. And he gets frustrated that they always want me.

We don't even go out much or even spend much time together (when he's not on break from work) don't even connect much either. It feels like work is his main priority and that's it.
AIBU to think what's the point in the relationship, to feel frustrated and overwhelmed. Or am I being unfair because it's his job not like he's spending late nights and weekends on a hobby....

( we don't have family close by to help often)

OP posts:

Fitforforty · 20/06/2021 21:16

This doesn’t sound like a life. Why is he working such long hours - does he need the money or is he a workaholic?

FakeTanandProsecco · 20/06/2021 22:35

YANBU @soulful22 it's not healthy for your relationship, your kids, or for his own health and wellbeing. I don't have any advice but I would also be overwhelmed and exhausted
Bumping for you.

Echobelly · 20/06/2021 22:39

Did you discuss expectations at all before having kids and did he let you know that work was going to have to come first? Is there any end in sight for these hours, eg is he trying to work towards something? And are all jobs in his field like this? Has anyone told him he can't take holidays and work long hours or is it just his assumption that this is 'expected'?

Sorry for all the questions, but think they're worth asking. He could be working every hour god sends and taking no holiday and not seeing his kids and no one at work is taking a blind bit of notice, for example.

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about these subjects:

Families General parenting

RealisticSketch · 20/06/2021 22:42

His constant mental/emotional absence naturally means the kids are well used to factoring him out and coming straight to you, so if he's frustrated about that he needs to direct his frustration to the cause of him working so many hours not you or the kids cos that's the issue.
My dh worked long hours (though not that bad) he's been working from home since covid and has been much more available without his commute etc, the difference in his relationship with the kids is massive! We would never have realised it would make such a difference.
Same with the tantrums, when you know the child and spend lots of time with them you can see the tantrums for what it is (just one of those things) and are better able to deal with it because you have a better rapport... When you're virtually a stranger it's totally different.
Does he see the issues his hours causes?

Branleuse · 20/06/2021 22:53

I couldnt stay in a relationship with an unavailable grumpy workaholic. Whats the point. Life doesnt have to be shit

Original poster

soulful22 · 21/06/2021 00:42

@Fitforforty he says it's just what his job is like. He doesn't get paid by the hour. It's a set age for the month regardless of how many hours worked

OP posts:

timeisnotaline · 21/06/2021 00:49

I would be absolutely not ok. For me the whole marriage vows and planning to have children is committing to each other and being a parent. I know this probably sounds extreme to you, but I’d sit my husband down and say this is not the life I signed for. Either you find more time at home away from this job doing parenting and things around the house, or you find a different job. The alternative is you telling me this is it, you will never be here for me or our children, and that’s not a marriage.

Original poster

soulful22 · 21/06/2021 00:49

@Echobelly it never crossed my mind to ask about his work and having kids tbh. Now I'm wishing I did. He's worked in the same field for many years but I guess I didn't notice the hours as much when we didn't have kids. His work knows he has a family. They remind him about his holiday but he says he can't just take it whenever he wants. I asked him to book one day off two years ago to take him on a surprise day out and even that was a big issue.
Every so often he says he will take a day off in the week and he will do it for a few weeks. Then one week a meeting comes up on the day off, so he goes in. Then it happens again. Then slowly he no longer has a day off anymore. Back to 7 days a week

OP posts:

Original poster

soulful22 · 21/06/2021 00:51

@RealisticSketch I've pointed this out many times. But I'm always met with sulking, or going off in a huff. And then I feel like I'm just always repeating myself or that I'm seen as "having a go" or "nagging".

OP posts:

Mumdiva99 · 21/06/2021 00:58

Sorry but you haven't been clear. Does he work for someone else? If so he is unreasonable working so much. (I can kind of understand if it was his own business.)

If he is working for someone else he will be paid a wage which doesn't cover 24/7/365. Why not find another job?

If he wants to work like that it is unfair on you and the kids. What does he say if you talk of leaving him? What does he think of having the kids every other weekend....because he'd see them more than now and you'd get a break...... The one thing he can't get back is time with his family. Why is he ruining it.

Original poster

soulful22 · 21/06/2021 02:57

@Mumdiva99 he works for a company. It's his career that he's worked years in, and worked hard to be where he is now.

I find it hard to understand because I believe there's more to life than just work. But not everyone feels that way.

I don't think being separated would be any different. He wouldn't be able to have the kids every other weekend as he would still work every weekend.

OP posts:

ivfgottwins · 21/06/2021 03:58

What's the job?

RainingZen · 21/06/2021 04:42

If he doesnt see a problem, you haven't got a hope in hell. It is really, really sad. My husband has a job at that would absorb every waking minute if he let it, and when we were younger pre-kids my career was the same. We both had to fight hard to reclaim our lives.

I would honestly tell him you want a separation, and for him to leave. He needs to be shocked out of his current pattern, and if he sees everything is on the line he might realise he has to so something. Your minimum terms, if he agrees to change, is: he takes ALL his annual holiday from now on. All of it. He ONLY works 5 days a week, and at weekends he is allowed to work for 2 hours on each day ONLY, or with your agreement 4 hours on one day. He must be home for kids' bedtime at least 3 times weekdays.

PiccalilliChilli · 21/06/2021 05:25

He's a workaholic.

If his boss is reminding him to take leave then they must see he's doing far too much.

What's the job op?

LivingLaVidaCovid · 21/06/2021 05:34

Im assuming law or similar. This is who he is and he is unlikely to change. I am amazed you just didn't notice until 2 kids deep.

Not what ypu asked but ... He may well die young so ensure good estate planning. I know guys like this having heart attacks in their 40s.

My friends married to similar men either didn't have kids, eventually divorced or accepted the parameters made clear what their "bare minimum" was. These women made it their business to have a lot of friends and have a lot of hobbies/things going on outside the home.
I don't generally favour ultimatums but rainingzen is pretty on the money. If you want to stay you need a clear non neg baseline so he understands basic minimum needed to stay in the relationship

KangarooSally · 21/06/2021 06:27

Would you manage if he took a lower paying job with less responsibility that paid less?

FTEngineerM · 21/06/2021 06:58

Does he even like you?

timeisnotaline · 21/06/2021 07:29

Being separated would be different that he could no longer pretend to the outside world that he is a loving partner and devoted dad. It depends how much that affects his self image whether he would ever have any contact.

GiantToadstool · 21/06/2021 07:36

What is in this for you? If he works 7 days a week do you see him?

What job does he do?

How on earth are you managing children (nanny?)

I can't see this as being sustainable.

Echobelly · 21/06/2021 07:55

Interesting that work is reminding him to take holidays and he isn't. It does sound to me like his insistence on work is internally imposed rather than externally, like he thinks everything and his career might fall apart if he doesn't work every hour god sends. Does he come from a poor background and is very scared of losing money? Or maybe a 1st of 2nd generation immigrant who feels he has to 'be a success'?(Something I've seen in DH's family).

I'm just interested in where some people get this workaholism from. When it comes to office jobs, which it sounds like what your DH has, then this sort of presenteeism is seldom necessary.

He is BVU if he gets annoyed the kids call for you - if he wants them to call for him, he needs to be around, but he's not there for them so of course they'll want you.

Branleuse · 21/06/2021 11:38

I think I would leave, because not only would I be happy with this relationship, id also assume hes not happy too and is dealing with that by working 7 days a week

Original poster

soulful22 · 21/06/2021 16:54

@KangarooSally he has had a job that isn't his career and it was depressing. I know what it's like to work a job that u have no desire for. So I wouldn't want him to give up what he loves.

He works in football. So weekends are games. Which can be home or away

OP posts:

Original poster

soulful22 · 21/06/2021 16:55

@PiccalilliChilli It's football. There's games and planning. And coaching, managing other coaches etc.

OP posts:

RealisticSketch · 21/06/2021 18:02

[quote soulful22]@RealisticSketch I've pointed this out many times. But I'm always met with sulking, or going off in a huff. And then I feel like I'm just always repeating myself or that I'm seen as "having a go" or "nagging". [/quote]
Then he doesn't see his inability/disinclination to spend time with his family as the issue. He sees his family as the issue. Otherwise he could hold his hands up, which he isn't. 😔

doadeer · 21/06/2021 18:18

I wasn't expecting that job, was expecting you to say a lawyer or recruiter or something... It sounds miserable.

Have you told him how lonely and isolating it is? It's very different working lots of hours for a few months on a particular project vs full time with no end in sight.

It's a vicious circle really because the kids won't be close to him growing up and will favour you which will make him feel more isolated. I'm so sorry what a crappy situation

Flip

1 2

Swipe left for the next trending thread