Advice on a disinterested father / sending fathers card yes / no

[Lilly239]

Long story horrible divorce (not by choice or attempting to sort amicable god I’ve tried ) but basically my soon to be ex husband turned on not only myself but our child quite suddenly a few months ago and has abruptly months ago gone against everything that was promised to be there for child etc after our separation etc and within days of that event just a total lack of shown and not caring / disregard and basically saying horrible things like ie our child is adopted since being a tiny baby and has been treated as such in a mum and dad unit and now our marriage is over my ex keeps saying things like referring child to only adopted and won’t say child is his and loves them etc he won’t say anything like that - like suddenly now it’s it’s less in some way (awful) and just the general not wanting to see child or ask about child etc now my question is for peoples opinions as I’m getting conflicting advice from a counsellor and GP- would you in my position for the sake of child identity etc and for child still send a Father’s Day card (coming up soon on 20th June?) even though he has shown a complete thoughtless and careless attitude towards child? Because I’m being told that may be the case and although I don’t agree with it etc the child still has to have identity and it’s for child self more so than for the father to send a Father’s Day card etc it’s hard to write done in words but I’m going people understand what I’m asking it seems strange to me to persist with sending a Father’s Day card if he doesn’t care and I don’t agree with what he has done or doing to child but like I said I’m being told to still do it for the sake of the child’s self worth etc it would be more so for child and not for the my ex - I’m wondering what really is best to do as I’m wanting to do the best by child - what are everyone’s opinions regarding this please?

Ps I’ve tried everything for months to get ex communicating over child / mediation offer - chats/ I’ve tried I’m just hitting a brick wall for months

How old is the child? It sounds like the Father has some mental health issues.

I would not send a card. I think I'd be protecting my child from further disappointment.

As I have no experience with this type of thing at all, and you have not indicated the age of your child, I can only really give you my gut reaction as a mother of 3 adult children - and I must add that I made far too many mistakes as a mother when they were younger, 2 of which I now consider to be very serious mistakes.

My gut reaction is that if your child's father does not want anything more to do with his child, and actually makes disgusting comments about your child, then I think that trying to keep in touch with your ex, or even just sending him a card from your child, would be actually stamping on your child's self-esteem. I am going to assume for purposes of ease of explanation that your child is about 6 years old, so old enough to remember their dad, but no-where near old enough to explain everything to them.

IMO if you encourage your child to send a Father's Day card to this nasty man, it is like you are saying to your child when they look back in retrospect when they are older
"This horrible and selfish man is your father and even though he does nothing positive for you, but instead is very negative towards you, that is all you are worth, so show him respect (and love?) by sending him a card, it doesn't matter that he has not acted like your father (biologically or otherwise), as that is his legal position, and therefore deserves the benefits due to a loving parent". Even though your 6 year old wouldn't understand all the nuances of that last sentence, they can "feel" even from a much younger age, when someone loves and cares for them.

So to my mind, your little one would be thinking/feeling (even if not properly understanding that feeling), I cannot be worth much to either my mum or my dad if they think I should stay in touch (and even show affection to) someone who wants nothing to do with me, and in fact is emotionally abusive to me. So no, I wouldn't be getting my child to send that card, and if they were asking questions about why they weren't making a card for their dad when everyone else at school was making them for their dads', I would be asking opinions from child psychology experts, friends who are obviously good parents, and yes, here on MumsNet too -as long as you feel able to seperate the wheat from the chaff (and sorry, I don't know which one I am) - on how to answer those questions; I might try to put more emphasis on reminding your child about all the people who do love him/her, starting with you, your parents, and your ex's parents (if they are lovely people), any aunts, uncles, cousins, friends etc and tell your child how they are a great, kind, caring, loving person, who deserves all the love that is given to him/her, and maybe be a bit vague on why your ex seems unable to love anyone but himself - and maybe not even himself, which is why I mentioned if his parents were lovely, because maybe there is some history there?

I think that your mothering instincts are spot on, and I truly believe that your child is going to thrive despite the waste of space their father is, because you are so obviously such a loving and caring mum, who also has the intelligence to question things. Of course 2 loving, kind parents who love and respect each other as well as their child, who have commonsence and some intelligence are the ideal, but many of us cannot give that to our children, so we do our best, and I think that your best OP is going to be brilliant. I hope you get the help you need from here and other quarters 💐

What an awful situation. Do come back and tell us the age of your child

If your ex doesn’t recognise your child as his, why send a card? Of course your child has an identity. Everyone has. IMO, one loving parent is enough. Is it the counsellor telling you to send the card by any chance?

I would ask the child what he wants to do.
Chat with him about how lots of dc will be making and sending a card at this time of year.
That he has a choice, he can join in what everyone else is doing and send it to his father, or he can send it to someone else who helps him like a good dad would. That he can totally ignore it if he wants, or make it and bin it.

Talk to him about how not all dads are good dads, but that is about them and not about him.

Thank you everyone for your responses I have been reading them a couple times. The comments been made are like what follows : when I say our child / he corrects me and says ‘well legal child’ we adopted child under 1 year old. And is mine I would do anything for my child.

A few days before we separated he promised to care and he made promises to child face about spending time together etc / this was just before we separated and then within days of separating it changed to this ‘never can see child again’ and then the comments started of the months like making it basically look like he doesn’t love the child and probably never seen as a ‘real child of the family’ and has ordered his family to now stop sending birthday gifts and contact etc to stop confusion to the child.
I was gobsmacked - my child has been totally cut off , when I have relayed this to the gp and counsellor yes the counsellor has said it is the ex problem and that for example the father day card is more to do with the child than the father and even if he not interested still send it and the go said don’t bother etc . All I’m wanting is the best for my child / I even after everything offered him mediation for the child and he has ignored it and said it seemed like ‘a waste of time and effort’ ‘nothing to discuss’ my child is 6 and is very intellectual she is classed as like a 10 year old mind very Intuned and has expressed he was not a hands on farther and she isn’t sad really about that she is more sad that she isn’t getting to see her grandad etc. But the family have cut me off because my ex has told them to stop contact with child over birthday and Christmas gifts etc . You can imagine my shock when this happened it all happened in a flip of switch one day he was being ok my ex and working through our separation and supporting child to few days later he was done with everything as im done with child and the whole thing and it’s been a complete cut off it seems so cold :( like it’s put in to question was any of my years with him with child real

He also for months through court tried to force a sale through of family home so for months - that isn’t happening now I have a financial order going through which has given abit of relief for me and child to stay in family home and get myself in a better position etc. But the stress I cannot tell you how badly that affected me but I had to put on a brave face constantly everyday to child that everything was fine etc when in reality it wasn’t but atleast that is sorted - but after all this he feels no shame at all. If I had done that to any child let alone my own I would feel like the crappiest person in the world

I wouldn’t bother tbh. Why would you?.

So your child is actually adopted and not his biological child? At first, I thought you meant that this is his biological child and he is now claiming the child is adopted when this isn't true? Either way, he's being a jerk, but at least one is technically accurate.

I think it would entirely depend on if your child is old enough to understand what Father's Day is and has asked to send him a card. If your child is 10 and wants to send a card, yes, I would support that as it's about your child. If your child is 2 and has no idea what Father's Day is, no, I wouldn't send a card. It's about the child here and I would do whatever was best for them.

Yes our child is not biologically ours we adopted her when she was a tiny baby. But we are and have been mum and dad unit prior x

Yes I don’t personally want to I want to stick two fingers up after what he’s done to my child but I’m trying to be rational and think is that the behaviour that is right?- should I keep trying etc and send a father day card etc for the sake of child etc. I’m just wanting to do the right thing - my child is more upset with the cut off from his family not actually the dad. It just seems so empty and unreasonable to walk away doesn’t it from a only ever daughter - awful. But I have been saying that sometimes even parents make wrong decisions but we all love you etc etc this is what I’ve been telling my child because she so intelligent she knows exactly what is going on and I’m just trying to keep things normal as possible and ensuring everyone loves her (even if he actually doesn’t my ex) x

@Lilly239

I think I would personally contact my Ex In Laws, and ask them what they would like to do going forwards.

It sounds like they are more invested in their GD tbh.

If that is true, then I'd be telling them that your DD is really missing her GP, and that you would like her to continue to have a relationship with her and spend time with her.

If your Ex doesn't like it, then tough shit ! He has no right to try to dictate who his parents see or don't see ! And I'd be saying that to my Ex In Laws too. (Maybe your DD would prefer to make a Fathers Day card for her Grandad instead of her F ?)

I did and the blocked me :( any kind of contact they blocked me ... I mean that’s their son they going to follow what ever he dictates to even though the grandad (child’s grandad) was supportive but as soon as the dad told him to stop everyone cut off too :(

It's awful OP but I think you have to move on. Don't send the card...you need to detach and your child too.x

I would maybe get her to do one for somebody else but certainly not him, I would completely disengage now. He sounds awful, you and your dd deserve better & what he said about her is vile

@Lilly239

That's just horrific , and I'm so incredibly sad for you both.

If the In Laws were supportive before though, I'd maybe give them 1 more chance to do the right thing (but only 1 more), by writing to them.
Maybe write them a letter so you can say everything you'd like to. If you also allow your DD to write something too, at least you're showing her how much you want to continue having her GP's in her life. And if they do not reply, or reply negatively, you can hold your head up high, because you and your DD will have done everything in your power to facilitate a relationship, and going forwards, your DD will know that.

I'm quite sure, that at some point in the future, both your Ex H and his parents are going to regret cutting you both off, very much. Karma will come around, it always does, eventually.

No, he does not deserve the privilege of getting a card from your dc. Don't waste your time trying to form a relationship with this waste of space. He's not worthy of being a father.

Having read your updates, then I'd say do nothing except what your dd asks you to do. If she asks about sending a card, help her do it. If she doesn't, then don't bother.

He is a disgusting human, as are his parents. They are totally irrelevant. All that matters is what your dd wants, and she sounds perfectly able to make a decision.

I’m just reading everyone’s opinions thank you it’s really helpful.

While already commented- I have come to terms with it other months but what would make a father that adopted and raised a family and never thought he didn’t love the child etc to then turn around suddenly with this coldness and referring the child as only ‘legal child only’ it seems so cruel and he doesn’t seem to realise or it bothering him saying this - I’m still in shock to be honest it’s been a few months and I’m dealing with it but still obviously very confused and wary and worried for the future etc x

If it's any comfort, my DH and DSs aren't interested in our foster children that moved on. They loved them when they were here, but lost interest/couldn't sustain affection at a distance. I, in contrast, miss them deeply.

He seems to have seen it as a role he played for a while, rather than a deep connection. Did nothing crop up during adoption preparation? Sometimes that superficial understanding of relationships becomes apparent in the initial screening.

I don't think I' d send a card in those circumstances. He sounds realy bitter and is trying to get at you by this awful behaviour towards your child.

No I wouldn’t send a card fuck him

@picklemewalnuts he wasn’t a particular hands on parent but I just thought that was his personality but always professed he loved child as his own etc but when separation came he didn’t even want to pay maintenance I felt he was thinking he shouldn’t have to! I was like why and he said well we said when we adopted etc child support wouldn’t be gone for it we split!! I said I never said that!! There was no agreement there was no nothing he made me believe we was a family and that we loved our child completely so you can imagine after separation to maybe find out if he’s saying these things was it just a role he played? Incredibly hurtful that isn’t it? x

He does seem bitter. I just understand it at all. He promised to child’s face he wanted to come spend time and etc and will make effort with child and then a few days later nothing and making remarks like only my legal child and refusing to offer child maintenance ...it was a total flip of the situation within days / I’m still perplexed months on- and I thought for someone to change within days what said was going to happen must mean they never felt like that originally in the first place

Did he want to split up or stay together. That in no way justifies his behaviour of course but might at least give you a clue as why he is doing this. It seems really spiteful towards a child.

He does seem bitter. I just understand it at all. He promised to child’s face he wanted to come spend time and etc and will make effort with child and then a few days later nothing and making remarks like only my legal child and refusing to offer child maintenance ...it was a total flip of the situation within days / I’m still perplexed months on-

You've mentioned this a couple of times now, and I can totally understand why you're having a problem with his change in attitude.

In all honestly though, you may never find out the reason and you could drive yourself half insane thinking about it.

It's a lot easier to say than do but could you plan a few things with your DD? Even if it's having a sleepover in the lounge, baking a cake or visit to a different park.

Concentrating on small things like this will help you and your DD adjust to this new life and should hopefully help you forget a bit about his awful behaviour.

I personally wouldn't send a card, unless your DD had specifically asked to. I think Picklemewalnuts had the best suggestion.

Glad you are getting some counselling