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Original poster

Permission to rant!

72 replies

Andysotones · 15/06/2021 10:15

My brother in law has just created the most ridiculous situation and I am furious.

Here's a preamble, read it or skip ahead...

My wife is one of four and she suffers from that middle child feeling, and frustratingly her family do things to make it not just a feeling but a reality, there's too many to go into, but I'll give you two. The aforementioned brother in law got married the year after my wife and I, and the most convenient day for everything to happen ended up being exactly one year after our wedding. Nobody in my wife's family had our backs when we questioned this, so we spent our first anniversary at their wedding.

My daughter was born last July and they are expecting their first in August, also a girl. They've contacted us to say that they want to use a name that is extremely similar to our daughter's. I'm not going to give real names away, but if our daughter was called Eliza, they are planning on calling their daughter Liza, it's that similar.

My bro in law asked me a few weeks ago, in private about this. I said, it's very similar and I thought it would lead to confusion, and that he needed to remember that he had his wedding on the same date as us, it has affected his sister (my wife) so I don't think there is any way my wife would be cool with it. I didn't want to be too harsh with him in the moment, cos I don't feel telling people what to do ever ends well; I just really hoped he'd see sense that it was just a bad idea on all accounts.

Well, turns out he's still so stuck on the name that they asked us about it last night. They said they know it's similar, but it's also different and they've spoken to other family members that 'don't think it will be a problem'. Again, not having my wife's back and really hammering home the undervalued middle child narrative.

If it was down to me, I think it's just a stupid choice of a name that will lead to confusion, but whatever it's their stupid decision to make. However, when I consider how it makes me wife feel, who is very, very upset, I am downright angry. How could they ever think it was a good idea to even consider the name?? They should have seen the name, chuckled and moved on.

Now, we have to either bite our lip and say it's ok, making them happy but feeling bitter, or we have to be 'the bad guys' and say how we feel. We both think that they are paying us lip service and they've just made up their minds. If they do call their child essentially the same name as our's it's going to leave a bad taste in the mouth every time I have to address their daughter.

They have created a situation where someone will end up disappointed. I am livid.

OP posts:

Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

Set a reminder

Sirzy · 15/06/2021 11:02

If I am being petty about something then I would much rather someone pointed that out rather than adding fuel to a none issue

Perching · 15/06/2021 11:03

Well yabu but I get it...

If it’s any consolation you were there first in both instances, and imitation is the worst form of flattery, so just roll your eyes and play bingo with what the next thing will be, that’s all you can do. Change the narrative, nothing you say or do will go down well so just change your reaction to it. Just don’t engange with the drama ATT ALL.

SoMuchForSummerLove · 15/06/2021 11:03

Yes - it's a blunt instrument unless you post every incident ever.

But - there are two sides to every story. And if you're genuine about this, you'll give some thought to the fact that nobody on this thread agrees with you and your wife.

I'm not being goady, I'm saying, sit down and have a genuine conversation and say 'is this the big deal we think it is, or have we let our perspective get a little bit out of kilter'.

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about these subjects:

Families General parenting

Perching · 15/06/2021 11:03

*engage
AT
We need an edit button

Sadiecow · 15/06/2021 11:05

Why are you on here talking for your wife, she is an adult and can do that herself?

I think thy dynamic of your relationship is quite bizarre if I am honest. why is the BIL talking to you about names and not his sister?

Your wife with the "middle child" issue, seems to be treating you like a parent rather than an equal partner.

MissyB1 · 15/06/2021 11:05

Your wife has issues about her status in the family, fair enough. You can agree with her and be supportive, but it’s not a good idea to keep adding fuel to the fire. Stop feeding the drama and encouraging her to think of herself as a victim.

Get on with your own lives and stop getting over invested in her family’s lives.

Sadiecow · 15/06/2021 11:08

@MissyB1

Get on with your own lives and stop getting over invested in her family’s lives.

This 100%

Bibidy · 15/06/2021 11:08

I don't think it's a middle child thing as it's not your wife's parents who are making these decisions. It seems more like your wife's brother is potentially copying her (and you).

I completely understand the upset, especially if things like this happen all the time. But there isn't much you can do about it sadly.

Re the name, your daughter already has it so it will be clear they are the ones piggybacking the name. And the wedding anniversary, I guess it was only really relevant for that first year where you had to spend it at their wedding. Going forward you will both do separate things in your couples so it won't really crop up.

Original poster

Andysotones · 15/06/2021 11:08

@SoMuchForSummerLove

Yes - it's a blunt instrument unless you post every incident ever.

But - there are two sides to every story. And if you're genuine about this, you'll give some thought to the fact that nobody on this thread agrees with you and your wife.

I'm not being goady, I'm saying, sit down and have a genuine conversation and say 'is this the big deal we think it is, or have we let our perspective get a little bit out of kilter'.

Thank you for your comment. The general feeling has given me pause for thought. I am desperately tired and writing that post, and in the manner I did was just for catharsis in the moment, which clearly was misguided.

I am protective of my wife, which I think any spouse should be. I have tried to pull her away from the middle child narrative, but enough things have happened over the years that make it hard for me to believe it's all 'in her head'. I come from a family of two kids, so I don't have any personal childhood experience of the middle child phenomenon.

OP posts:

Original poster

Andysotones · 15/06/2021 11:10

@Perching

Well yabu but I get it...

Yes. I know I'm feeling much more hyped up about it now, cos my wife has been brought into the conversation. When it was just me and my bro in law, I just thought it was an odd choice.

OP posts:

romdowa · 15/06/2021 11:10

Yabu! I have loads of cousins with the exact same name on the same side and it was always easy to tell the difference. You'd have Mary's Sean or Gary's Sean. They even went to school together and they all survived. You both need to stop being so precious.

Myxisaprat · 15/06/2021 11:11

You will never come off well inserting yourself into your wife’s family dynamic. Let her handle it and don’t get over involved.

This all sounds a lot of shit over nothing. My family has big x, wee x, xy (nickname) - it makes no pods. Names often get reused in families.

30degreesandmeltinghere · 15/06/2021 11:12

Look at it this way. They are the ones looking like they have no imagination or thought of their own...
Back away op. Maybe what you and dw need...

wizzler · 15/06/2021 11:18

I couldn't get wound up about the anniversary.

Regarding the name; I think it depends on how often you see them. I don't see my brother very often and our kids rarely meet. It wouldn't be a problem at all if they were called the same. If we lived very close and the cousins met multiple times a week then I think it would be sensible to have different names.

pabloescobarselasticband · 15/06/2021 11:23

OP i agree with you. At best their behaviour is thoughtless at worst very very spiteful and selfish. Its extremely weird as well! I have four children who are not at all competitive with each other, behaviour like this would however most definitely cause issues between them!

Triffid1 · 15/06/2021 11:24

It sounds to me like her family don't take her feelings into account because her feelings are ridiculously selfish and self absorbed.

The name thing is ridiculous. In many cultures, family names re-used endlessly. In DH's family, there are two names that are particularly prevalent and honestly, it's a bit annoying at times, but it's fine.

Ditto, wedding anniversary. Choosing a date can be complicated by all kinds of things, someone else's wedding anniversary wouldn't even feature in my head.

it seems to me that your wife is hard work with a massive chip on her shoulder and her family all probably spend a lot of time tip toeing around her, which you don't even see. I'm actually sort of sympathetic because as a middle child in a big family, I've also felt the way she feels sometimes and have similar reactions. But then I grew up and realised I was being a dick in 99% of cases and in the small percentage where actually, it is a thing, I just roll my eyes.

louisiannah · 15/06/2021 11:26

I do think it's odd how many people have replied to the OP saying that they think the BiL is not doing anything wrong. It's down right just strange behaviour to do those things!? I agree with you, OP. And I completely understand why your wife is upset. Some people are just weird and your brother in law is one of them

HungryHippo20 · 15/06/2021 11:27

@Andysotones I would be pissed off about these things too tbh! You sound really caring and considerate towards your wife but I do agree with others in that you should probably let it go for your own sanity. Just focus on yourselves as I think your wife's family sound very selfish

louisiannah · 15/06/2021 11:32

Also think it's hilarious how many people have replied to this with so much attitude and I can't help thinking it's because the OP is a male. People do realise that men can post on here expressing their problems/family issues, right?

Honestly OP, I doubt you would of had this response if you where a female posting this. it's shocking actually

Original poster

Andysotones · 15/06/2021 11:32

@louisiannah

A lot of people are honing on the wedding thing. In my wife's ethnic culture weddings and anniversaries are a very big deal. I'm white British but she is not, so I think many people don't understand how it was a big deal - but that's my fault for throwing it in with no context. I take responsibility for the tone of my first post.

It seems that lots of people think similar names is absolutely nothing. We don't feel that way, I don't think that's a crime.

OP posts:

MissingTheMoonlight · 15/06/2021 11:32

My brother married on the same weekend as us the following year and we had a lovely time celebrating our anniversary at their wedding with family around; seriously not a big deal.
With regards the baby name, it wouldn't personally bother me. If they love the name, let them use it, it takes nothing away from you.

However, I don't see why they asked your opinion but won't accept your answer, that's frustrating. They should respect your opinion if you've asked them not to use the name.

Beetlewing · 15/06/2021 11:32

My brother got married on my birthday, my sister called her child the same name as my dog. I've only just realised reading this that I am the middle child. Fortunately I'm a grownup so none of it bothers me. Be happy you will share an anniversary. It means the cost of parties can be shared, and be happy for new life in the family, whatever the name is

Bibidy · 15/06/2021 11:33

In fairness though this obviously isn't the case in OP's wife's family otherwise it likely wouldn't be an issue.

I would be annoyed if my sister chose to name her child an almost identical name to my child's, particularly just a few months later, unless they were both named after a relative or something like that. I think it's quite unusual to do something like this in families where it's not a cultural thing.

Original poster

Andysotones · 15/06/2021 11:35

@louisiannah

Honestly OP, I doubt you would of had this response if you where a female posting this. it's shocking actually

Interesting. People seem to think I have sought out her family to discuss things. I have not. I came here to vent BECAUSE I didn't want to get involved with her family. She very much is capable of speaking with her family.

OP posts:

Bibidy · 15/06/2021 11:35

@louisiannah

Honestly OP, I doubt you would of had this response if you where a female posting this. it's shocking actually

Yes I agree, especially the comments about why OP is posting a thread here about his wife, or letting his wife speak for herself. Almost every thread on here is posted by someone about someone else!! There are soooo many threads here from wives about husbands. Why can't OP post out of concern for his wife??

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