4 months too young for sleep training?

[Dorset555]

Hi all need some advice my partner is really adamant that we need to leave our baby to cry more. He takes a hard line and I'm much more soft. I'm trying to compromise with well planned sleep training, and wondering when we can start it. Is 4 months too young? I'm pretty sure we have been through the regression/are coming to the end of it. There is so much conflicting advice online, I guess because there are no instruction manuals with babies....but what do you guys think? Thank you!!

@Ragwort

And I'll be your second exception ... no one, unless they have very thick skin, is going to admit to sleep training a young baby on Mumsnet .....

And I’ll be the third ;)

I wouldn’t get rid of the dummy. Dummy’s are the best way to promote independent sleep without leaving your baby to cry.
Just keep trying to put baby down awake (with dummy and white noise) if she fusses give her a while to see if she will settle, if she starts to cry properly then try and settle her with your hand on her but without picking her up, if crying escalates then pick up and sooty to sleep. Just keep trying and giving her the chance to self settle and she will get it. I would still always pick up and soothe if distressed though I think the combination of giving baby the opportunity to settle themselves whilst always offering comfort if they are distressed gives baby the confidence to settle themselves (with a dummy!).
Emily Osters research completely ignores that there have been no long term studies (+5 years) into the effects of CIO . Plus many of the studies she cited to support CIO allowed parents to swap to the control group (non sleep training group) if they wanted. This would have skewed the results as parents whose babies were becoming too distressed wouldn’t have counted and obviously they would have to allow parents to leave the study or move groups due to ethics- you can’t force a parent to keep leaving their child to CIO if they feel that it is having a detrimental effect on them. But it is very likely if any babies were to suffer from CIO it would be these babies. I don’t believe there has been enough research into the effects of CIO to say one way or another and due to ethics I am not sure the right research to give a conclusive answer could ever be carried out.

Definitely too young to be left crying - especially for as long as 15 minutes. You can try to instil some good habits, but definitely too young for sleep training (which honestly doesn’t even work anyway...)

If a 4 month old is crying, it needs something. It's not doing it for fun or for no reason or just to pass the time, it's communivating with you. If you choose to actively ignore it's communication then that's your choice but there is something your baby needs that it's not getting, or there is something wrong and you're ignoring it. Your partner is twisted if that's how he wants to 'care' for his baby

@User52739

Definitely too young to be left crying - especially for as long as 15 minutes. You can try to instil some good habits, but definitely too young for sleep training (which honestly doesn’t even work anyway...)

It does for many, unless you think thousands of parents are lying for no particular reason.

Your routine above sounds fine and normal really. Young babies wake up regularly. Try and give yourself more downtime to relax as it's hard getting broken sleep.

@User52739

Definitely too young to be left crying - especially for as long as 15 minutes. You can try to instil some good habits, but definitely too young for sleep training (which honestly doesn’t even work anyway...)

4 months is definitely too young for sleep training, but sleep training works - it saved my sanity, probably my marriage and possibly my life. But at no point during sleep training (which we did much later than 4 months) was baby left to cry for 15 minutes at any point. You seem to not understand what sleep training actually is, so I’d suggest you’re not best placed to talk about it.

I bet you only consider Covid in terms of death as well. Co-sleeping is the biological norm

You are slightly wide of the mark.

The biological norm is not co-sleeping on a matress. The actual biological norm of sleeping on a hard surface in a cave would be much safer than co-sleeping on a matress.

Most people on here read the words ‘sleep training’ and automatically assume you are planning on leaving your hungry upset baby to cry for hours. If you have attended to all of your babies needs and they are crying because they are tired then there is no harm in helping them get themselves off to sleep. You could start gently by just letting her have a little fuss and then go to her if you think she definitely needs you for something. You’re her mom, you know her better than anyone else.
However if she is just gone 4 months, I think it’s still a bit young. I sleep trained my DS at 5 months using controlled crying, I knew he was ready. He took to it instantly and he is the most contented happy little chap you’ll ever meet. But i would still go to him if he was crying because he obviously needs something from me. Having a little whinge for 5 minutes because he’s tired isn’t going to hurt him.

@ManicPixie

“suck it up and tend to the needs of the child you've just grown and birthed. I don't know why people have babies and then get upset about having to tend to them.”

‘Suck it up’ is pretty useless advice to a parent with chronic sleep deprivation who has no idea when it’ll get better (spoiler: it could be years), and a baby certainly doesn’t benefit from a carer with crippled mental health. Let’s at least take is as read that no-one considers sleep training lightly - it’s almost always a last resort.

I'm going through the sleep deprivation you're talking about. Yes, it is hell. I still refuse to leave my child to cry. I expected to be exhausted. My poor baby doesn't deserve to be left to scream for his mummy so I can kip. I wouldn't be able to look myself in the eye, let alone sleep, if I did that. His cries break my heart, I'm supposed to be here to take them away, not cause them.

“ I wouldn't be able to look myself in the eye, let alone sleep, if I did that. His cries break my heart, I'm supposed to be here to take them away, not cause them.”

And we’re all jolly impressed. It’s just a shame you could spare a bit more compassion to other mothers who don’t have your strength of character and fear they’re on the verge of a breakdown.

@ManicPixie

“ I wouldn't be able to look myself in the eye, let alone sleep, if I did that. His cries break my heart, I'm supposed to be here to take them away, not cause them.”

And we’re all jolly impressed. It’s just a shame you could spare a bit more compassion to other mothers who don’t have your strength of character and fear they’re on the verge of a breakdown.

It's not supposed to be impressive. I'm exhausted. What about compassion for tiny screaming babies who only know their mother's comfort, and can't understand why they won't come when they need them?

I found Lucy Wolfe "baby sleep solution" to be v useful. She advocates for a % sleepy approach e.g. put them down when they're almost asleep and try to get them to do the last bit by themselves. Keep trying but if they get distressed comfort them. And as they get older get a little firmer with them so sit on the floor and comfort rather than pick up every time (this is past 6 months). It takes many weeks but it seemed to work and without leaving him to cry by himself ever. Also routines, good sleep environment etc.

But anyone making you feel bad for asking the question can't remember how dark it can get when you have to wake up every hour and then try to care for a baby the next day. I nearly divorced my DH during the 4 month sleep regression. All three of us were exhausted and miserable. I don't think crying it out is the answer but searching for an answer is so natural and of course any solution that promises more sleep sounds bloody appealing. Sending plenty of luck.

Thank you @AnotherGo this is really helpful:-)