[quote wiggleshasmylife]@Eachpeachpears this is so hard. I thought a playpen was the best thing for her. We literally scraped our money together to get her the biggest one and turns out it's a shit idea. I'm so bad at this parenting stuff.
The sleep. I dont know what to do. My anxiety is so bad when I leave her to cry. I've been diagnosed with postnatal depression and anxiety. Under the mental health team. But the screaming. It makes me so so on edge. Is it literally a case of tough love. We tried a grow bag. She hates it. We tried for ages and she freaked out. I literally feel like throwing my hands up and saying I quit [/quote]
Awe mate! You are not bad at this parenting stuff. It really is just.this.hard! It sounds like you are doing your absolute best with what is a completely overwhelming situation. It will get better. I can identify with so much of your situation, mine was not quite as extreme with the work hours but similar. I live outside the Uk, away from family and didn't have any friends with kids when I had my daughter 4 years ago. My husband is in the service industry too... and let's just say chef life is not ideal for dad life. I worked days, we traded. It is fucking hard!
My advice is a little different from previous posters, but this is what worked for me, so I'm sharing -
PPD: Hopfully you can get help? From the GP if the mental health team is taking too long? I took meds for 6 months and it was a game changer. But therapy is good too.
Sleep: I wouldn't try and sleep train right now, you said it spikes your anxiety and you are already exhausted. To do it effectively it involves a plan and dedication and it may or may not work, it really depends on the child. Have a go at co- sleeping. I know lots of people will disagree with that, but in my experience it is the best way for everyone to get some sleep NOW. If it doesn't work for you long term you can address that once you are a little more rested and are feeling more on top of things. You might find you like it though. I spent the first year of my daughter's life trying desperately to 'teach her how to sleep'- sleep consultants, various forms of sleep training, 'self soothing'... nothing worked and I ended up with nasty postpartum depression and a tired, clingy baby. Finally gave up and brought her in to bed with me at age 1 and we all slept. And it felt great.
The play pen: I actually don't think this is a shit idea. I think it's really smart- it's good to have a totally safe space in your home, where you can put the baby and step away if you need to. When you are frazzled and running on empty sometimes the safest thing to do is to step away from the baby (like step outside for a moment), breath and regroup. They might not like it and will show you that by crying. But they will be safe. Check out Janet Lansbury's podcast unruffled. She has really good advice about this. I'm not going to lie...she is very smug and American... and a lot of her stuff makes me roll my eyes, but she has a really good approach about learning to get comfortable with your child 'expressing their feelings' ie crying when you put them down.
It's ok for your baby to cry in her play pen sometimes. You have to make her dinner and get some stuff done and to do that safely you need two hands. It's just soooooo hard to hear right? Well JL has some great advice on how to manage this, respectfully. Baby wearing is great too but sometimes we just get so touched out and need a contact free moment.
Long term it sounds like changing your work set up would be better, but it's easier said then done. Good luck. It will get easier.