11 year old has me at my limit

[Vim2016]

Looking for some advise please.

My 11yo son has me at my wits ends. He constantly lies, sneaks money out to the house to go to the shops before and after school, he gets angry easily especially with his computer games. Earlier this week he was pretending to be ill to stay off school. Monday and tuesday i received calls from the school and told them he was fine and not to send him home. Wednesday he woke up going crazy saying he was really ill, i didn't care etc. So i kept him off for the day more due to the fact her was making the rest of the family late. He admitted he lied, he wasn't ill but had fell out with some friends. I have taken all privileges away. Desserts, computer games, tv time and gave hin extra chores. However today he has lied again about taking money to buy food ( he had breakfast he has his lunch not like he ia hungry).

Any advise on what else i can do to get the the bottom of the lies?

First of all how he is able to get access to money?

Pocket money. I try taking it and putting it away until i allow him to spend it but somehow he seems to sneak it. I even check his pockets every day before he leaves for school. Once he even hid it in his shoe!

Hear me out if you punished him by taking everything away then he has no real reason to be good as if he's bad whats he got left to loose. That's what my parents did. Anyhow does he get pocket money? Can you send him to the shop to pick up milk or something give him a sense of responsibility?

He's unhappy.

He's fallen out with friends and doesn't know how to repair it. His "illness" reflects that he wants to avoid a situation that is upsetting to him.

I don't know why he wants to go to the shops; what is he buying there and what does he do with the items he buys? Is he hungry (going through a growth spurt?) Is he trying to buy friendship or popularity?

Strict and punitive parenting builds children who learn to hide their behaviours. Why not try to get to the bottom of the whys instead of reacting with more punishments?

You check his pockets before he leaves for school? I don't understand. Why is this is big issue? Why give him pocket money and then not want him to be allowed to spend it?

Pocket money is from grandparents. I have tried to give him extra responsibility qnd he just kicks off saying he can't do it

Vim you haven't answered why it's a big deal that he is going to the shop with his money.

Have you got so stuck in the idea that you are being disobeyed that you have lost sight of the issue? Why is him going to the shop a problem?

I really have tried. I have sat down and spoke to him a number of times. He says he doesn't know why he does it. He buys food sometimes like today, as i said he didn't need more food. He had a serious weight problem when he was younger coz he just necer seems to feel full hence why i don't allow him to just take money to spend on food he doesn't need. Sometimes its stuff for his computer games. I've told him if he wants to buy something then it is fine and just to ask me and i will give him time to go buy it.

Isn't his pocket money for him to decide how he wants to spend it? Its all part of learning and budgeting?

Regarding his friends, is he being bullied? Classic reason for pretending to be poorly.....

@Vim2016

Pocket money. I try taking it and putting it away until i allow him to spend it but somehow he seems to sneak it. I even check his pockets every day before he leaves for school. Once he even hid it in his shoe!

Out of interest, why isn't he allowed to buy things from the shop with his own pocket money?

I check his pockets as there has been time he has taken money that doesn't belong to him and i have told him that lies are not acceptable. He can spend his pocket money however i don't allow him to go to the shops before school

I have a son who was similar, always sneaking things to school, always lying etc and unless others have a child like that they don't understand why you 'punish' them. But from experience I guess the op has tried the talking and many other things before resorting to taking things away. It's highly frustrating as a parent to be so blatantly ignored and to have a sneaky child. For us, in the end (because taking things away didn't work) we removed all rules and I mean all rules. Because ds was incapable of following rules and would actively seek to go against anything we say. MN was not a good place for support unfortunately and I got flamed for being 'controlling' but when your ds is caught dancing in the middle of the busy school run road for laughs or sticking their fingers into a plug socket because you told them not to then what's a parent meant to do? Just say crack on son and walk home and do what the hell you want?

Op I know it's frustrating but honestly for your own sake I would take a step back and let him take his money to school. If he loses it that's his problem. Choose your battles, keep him safe, tell him explicitly that you're there for him if he needs you... because otherwise you'll drive yourself mad.

He is but not a extra meal that isn't needed. We have a constant battle to keep his weight at a healthy level as he will just eat and eat never seems to get full.

Thank you. I'm glad someone else gets it. I will try taking a step back butbi am juat worried he will end up going ott with the food he eats as we have just managed ro control his weight

@dalmatianmad

Isn't his pocket money for him to decide how he wants to spend it? Its all part of learning and budgeting?

Regarding his friends, is he being bullied? Classic reason for pretending to be poorly.....

I am happy for him to spend it but not on food that isn't needed.

I have asked about bullying both him and his teacher and nothing seems to be going on. That was my 1st concern too

@Vim2016

Thank you. I'm glad someone else gets it. I will try taking a step back butbi am juat worried he will end up going ott with the food he eats as we have just managed ro control his weight

I would counteract that with some form of extra exercise.

We just registered our ds13 in army cadets, we're hoping they can build his confidence and discipline.

I do agree that an 11 year old should be able to walk to school as instructed without going to the shop behind your back. I also have a dd who does listen along with the ds who just cannot seem to so I wouldn't say it's anything you're doing, it might just be how he is.

@WyldStallions

Vim you haven't answered why it's a big deal that he is going to the shop with his money.

Have you got so stuck in the idea that you are being disobeyed that you have lost sight of the issue? Why is him going to the shop a problem?

The issue is that he buys extra food that he doesn't need and we struggle to control his weight. Also there has been times when he takes money not belonging to him in order to spend money on his computer games.

I told him a while ago that if he was sensible with what he spent his mo wy on he could go to the shops a couple of times a week however that didn't work

He doesn't feel heard, or that a negotiation will work, so he's resorting to sneaking and lying.

I suspect you have overruled him and tried to enforce your will / control a lot. He's 11, not 3, he needs a parenting relationship based on respect and acknowledgement plus reasons why what he wants won't work for you, not just you laying down the law and policing him, denying his autonomy and assuming his actions are purely down to sneakiness and not seeing that underpinning that is an unhappy child.

I recommend you read "how to talk how kids will listen, and listen so kids will talk".
Your son was so unhappy he pretended to be sick to avoid his peers, even though he knows you will punish him if you catch him out. This isn't about why he is lying to you. It's about why he feels powerless and has to resort to deception to try to affect his world.

Yea i try to get him to do extra exercise and it just turns into ww3. As bad as this sound i have 3 kids, 2 jobs and a house to look after and while i try my absolute best fighting over things just saps my remaining energy

@WyldStallions

He doesn't feel heard, or that a negotiation will work, so he's resorting to sneaking and lying.

I suspect you have overruled him and tried to enforce your will / control a lot. He's 11, not 3, he needs a parenting relationship based on respect and acknowledgement plus reasons why what he wants won't work for you, not just you laying down the law and policing him, denying his autonomy and assuming his actions are purely down to sneakiness and not seeing that underpinning that is an unhappy child.

I recommend you read "how to talk how kids will listen, and listen so kids will talk".
Your son was so unhappy he pretended to be sick to avoid his peers, even though he knows you will punish him if you catch him out. This isn't about why he is lying to you. It's about why he feels powerless and has to resort to deception to try to affect his world.

Thank you. I will try to read that.

Just for extra clarity as some people seem to think i am a bit ott with this.

He is very young for his age.

He has always been argumentative and tends to lie about most situations even when there is no real need.

I try to be the fun mum. I don't have lots and lots of rules. My dh even says i am too soft most of the time.

When I was a teen I used to steal money from my parents and spend it on food at the shops after school. There were 3 reasons for this:

• I liked crisps and chocolate and donuts
• I was bloody hungry! My parents didn't seem to understand that a teenager is hungry is because they need food to grow and not because they are greedy, but that's a whole other thread.
• I didn't have any money of my own, I got a small amount of lunch money (not enough, still hungry as above) and no pocket money.

Also it wasn't like I could just eat at home if I was hungry, there was never any snacks. I would be told to wait until dinner (9pmish).

Not that I'm assuming you are like my parents. And I didn't have any weight issues, I ate a lot of crap but I was very active, so that is obviously different. Personally I reckon your DS is hungry, and not letting him have his own pocket money is quite controlling so he's probably pushing back against it. I think you need to get him to do more exercise and let him have his pocket money.

Does he have a bank account?

I would open him a current account, put in an allowance. He can have a debit card and when it’s gone it’s gone, he’s responsible. I wouldn’t keep any cash around.

Thanks. We qlways have snacks in the house as i also struggle with weight and i know how hard it is. He gets his breakfast (toast/crumpets/cereal) then he has a good size lunch (sausage roll/sandwich, fruit, crisps, sweat treat) then he normally has his tea about 6ish so if hes hungry when he comes in he can have a snack. Then evening meal followed by a dessert.

@Mummytomylittlegirl

Does he have a bank account?

I would open him a current account, put in an allowance. He can have a debit card and when it’s gone it’s gone, he’s responsible. I wouldn’t keep any cash around.

No he doesn't but that is a really good idea!