11 year old has me at my limit

[Vim2016]

Looking for some advise please.

My 11yo son has me at my wits ends. He constantly lies, sneaks money out to the house to go to the shops before and after school, he gets angry easily especially with his computer games. Earlier this week he was pretending to be ill to stay off school. Monday and tuesday i received calls from the school and told them he was fine and not to send him home. Wednesday he woke up going crazy saying he was really ill, i didn't care etc. So i kept him off for the day more due to the fact her was making the rest of the family late. He admitted he lied, he wasn't ill but had fell out with some friends. I have taken all privileges away. Desserts, computer games, tv time and gave hin extra chores. However today he has lied again about taking money to buy food ( he had breakfast he has his lunch not like he ia hungry).

Any advise on what else i can do to get the the bottom of the lies?

@Vim2016 would definitely recommend. It will teach him about money/ responsibility and he can’t spend what he doesn’t have in there. Plus hopefully less stress for you. There’s a few different ones on the market that you can look at. If he’s got a phone he can get the banking ap and you can check it together (maybe then he will realise if he’s overspending on snacks!)

How's his weight now? In my experience teens can eat all day every day. What you describe wouldn't be enough for mine.

Have you tried a more protein heavy breakfast? Eggs etc.? Plus more snacks for throughout the day.

I think he sounds like an unhappy little boy and I wouldn't for one second listen to the teachers saying he's not being bullied and that he's fine in school. He's obviously not (even if he is presenting as fine) else he wouldn't be inventing mystery illnesses in order to get out of going.

Is there a day you could spend with him, just the two of you, doing something he likes and totally led by him? Let him control everything - where you go, where you eat, don't criticise at all.

It might help him open up to what the problem is and tell you how he's feeling

Why not allow him access to healthier snacks between meals? 3 meals obviously isn't enough for him. Allowing him to eat when hungry might cut out the lying and stealing.

Do you talk to him about his weight?

I'd withdraw the computer games. They have a direct correlation with my ten year old Dts behaviour, they become obsessive. They get absolutely none during the week. Saturday morning they have until lunch time and then out for their activity classes and Sunday they have until 12.

They know their limits then and are a lot more reasonable.

Do you have any special one on one time with him? My ds has some very challenging behaviours and I think one of the very best strategies that I have is to have a chat with him at night time. He’s a night owl, and I’m not, but when dd is asleep and dh is in bed, he will often come to me for a chat. Usually he just wants to talk about whatever book he’s reading or the latest update in minecraft. I don’t try and tackle any deep issues, or deal with behaviours. Actually I don’t talk very much at all. It’s just a neutral time and often helps to reset both of us.

I know that sounds like the fluffiest bit of nonsense ever but honestly it is the glue in our relationship. There are days where I feel I’m constantly giving out and pulling him up, and if the interactions are always negative it’s inevitable that they tune you out eventually. I know what it’s like to have a challenging dc and how you can get locked into a negative relationship.

I started by committing to spending 5 minutes per day 1:1 with each child. Some days that is literally all I can manage.

@copperpotsalot

How's his weight now? In my experience teens can eat all day every day. What you describe wouldn't be enough for mine.

Have you tried a more protein heavy breakfast? Eggs etc.? Plus more snacks for throughout the day.

I think he sounds like an unhappy little boy and I wouldn't for one second listen to the teachers saying he's not being bullied and that he's fine in school. He's obviously not (even if he is presenting as fine) else he wouldn't be inventing mystery illnesses in order to get out of going.

Is there a day you could spend with him, just the two of you, doing something he likes and totally led by him? Let him control everything - where you go, where you eat, don't criticise at all.

It might help him open up to what the problem is and tell you how he's feeling

I will try giving him more qccess to snacks.

As for a day for just us i would love that however with hd job and 2 other children its not easy to plan in.

We do talk lots but it is a very busy house. I will try and make time for even justv5 minutes 1 on 1 with him

Thats what i am teying to do. They are the worst thing for him

I will try that. Thanks

Yes. In the nicest way i can. He knows how it works with the more you eat etc. I never put him on a diet i just limit the amount of rubbish he eats.