Tips for an unwelcoming baby group?!

[theroux21]

Myself and my 5 month old have been attending a local baby and toddler group every week for the past month and a half. The first session was amazing and I was really looking forward to going back. There’s only a handful of us with babies so we formed a little group and it was going really well. To cut a long story short, I found out on one of the sessions they’d stayed behind, exchanged numbers, made a groupchat and have been meeting up with the babies since. I’m not sure what’s happened but over the past few sessions they’ve made it perfectly clear they’re happier without my company. I’ve tried my best to involve myself in conversations and encourage our babies to play but get ignored. I get a lot of comments about my choices as a parent (for example he’s the only baby with a dummy and I’ve just started to give him a spoonful of baby rice in the evenings) I’m seriously dreading the session tomorrow. I’ve looked into other groups but they’re all full from the waiting lists during Covid and I am desperate for him to socialise with other babies.

Any tips on how to get through the 2 hour session tomorrow?!

Thank you!!

(I’m quite a bit younger than the other mums by around nine years (I’m 21) and had quite a few comments about my age so not sure if this has played apart in the change of tone all of a sudden)

Honestly, just dont go. Take your baby swimming or something instead. Your baby will probably get a bit more from it.

It's probably the age difference. At 30 I couldn't imagine having anything in common with someone 21. Same at work. There are friendship groups but most are at similar stages in life.

As MN loves saying, especially about the school gate, the only thing that you have in common is DC of the same age.

Have a word with your Health Visitor, she or he may know of groups with younger mums. Ours was great when DH was a SAHD. She helped him find a couple of others.

I've 3 kids 17 years between eldest and youngest.
I'd have been like you with my first but to be honest give it a miss.
You will find a group

OP, I wonder if you are attending the same group as I was 😕 the only difference is I am an older mummy. Sad to hear that there are many groups like that.

And I can appreciate that they probably have more in common, but there is simply no need to be nasty. And I always been taught as cliché as it sounds manners cost nothing...
You might be surprised how many groups are springing up at the moment, take a look on Facebook. I left mine as it made me feel sad and had an opposite effect to what it's meant to be. I am due to start a new one next week so fingers crossed!

As many others suggested simply leave, there are many unpleasant things we have to cope with in our lives (e.g. someone's smelly armpit in your face on a crowded train) but attending mother and toddler groups mustn't be one of those things.

I've felt similarly excluded at certain baby classes and just haven't returned- maternity leave isn't about feeling left out/ignored! My local Children's Centre does sessions that are much more inclusive than the classes you pay for I've found. They also do a specific weekly sessions for younger mums (up to 25), might be something in your area.

I'm 30 and tbh honest there are so many older mums where I often feel like I could be 21 for the lack of shared interests / general clinqueness and interestingly similar judgement on dummy use.

They are horrible, be glad you have found out early and don't waste any more time on them.

Go, play with your baby, don't try to chat with them. See any of their behaviour for what it is a reflection on them and not on you.

OP I had my first baby at a very similar age to you and the same thing happened to me. I felt so deflated as my old friends didn't have babies either so I felt rather adrift! I ended up finding the most welcoming group. It was run by a church and we still see them twelve years later. They've never pushed the religious side on us at all and the group was made up of lots of different faiths. I love the idea of starting your own meet ups. But do get out there and see what else is going on. More things will start too. And your baby won't care about socialising yet, put your own well being first and leave the nasty lot to themselves!

Oh poor you, that is not nice at all.
I would suggest quitting that group & looking at other groups. Your local children’s centre should have sessions which are free & I find those sessions more inclusive anyway than private paid classes. Ask your HV.
Also, worth downloading Peanut or Mush app as you can connect with local mums in your area.
Hope this helps & keep your head held high :-)

I wouldn't put yourself through it, as the first poster said don't go back and take your LO to the playground. I know a lot is raved about re making Mum friends and socialisation for LO's but I found groups awful, very clique and MN wisely taught me that the groups are for the Mums really so if you are not enjoying it don't go. I can honestly say your LO won't notice. You are doing a great job

Dont go. It's not doing you any good. They sound horrible. Good idea to join a local Facebook group

Another voice saying don’t go.

Don’t do it. They sound vile. Your baby doesn’t need to socialise at 5 months. However it is nice for you to chat with other (nice) mums. I second contacting your HV or local children’s centre.

Sometimes groups coalesce by excluding someone. When this happens it’s a red flag that you don’t want to be in group, whether you’re on the inside or outside.

Ah I was you gal! I had my first at 20 and I felt the other mums at baby club would talk to me like a child. But then I met one mum who was amazing. The oldest one there funnily enough and we are still friends. She spoke to me like an adult and really made an effort with me, she found the other mums complained a lot and were quite negative. This isnt your tribe, so sad that they have done this to you it's so unfair. I have a 7 month old! If we are in the same area I would meet up with you!! X

I had this 16 years ago with my eldest, they were all the definition of 'mean' girls.

I stopped going, we are live in the same area so still come across them, they're still not nice.

I did make news friends over the years and funnily enough they've had run ins with the 'mean' girls too.

Stop going, I started taking mine swimming on my own and made my own fun and eventually found 'my own tribe'.

You are better than them x

I think I would go just to spite them!
Keep talking and engaging and treat it as a game!

How awful they really don’t need to socialise with other babies mine never did they don’t start playing together and not just along side each other till 2/3 years I understand going to baby groups for you to socialise but if the other mothers are horrible what’s the point put your name down maybe for another one and maybe go playground or library more sorry your going through this if really is them and not you!

They sounds horrible. They might be older but not wiser. I wouldn't want to have any involvement with them and would make no effort.
They've decided its okay to exclude you but it's also okay for them to get their bit in about your parenting? The cheek, who do they think they are.

I bet if you were on that group chat you'd get a right good insight to the inner workings of their nasty ways. That's a negative place you don't want to be.
I bet they're right boring and try to one up each other
"James was walking at 6 months"
"Well Zoe was 5.5 months"
"Emm well Frank ran a marathon at 2 months"
"Well, Sonya was abseiling while weaning herself by the time she was 10 weeks" 🙄

This is the kind of chat that will be distracting you from precious time with your baby OP.

At 5 months these groups are for the parents benefit rather than the child, obviously nothing wrong with that if it works for you but don't feel that you have to keep going if it doesn't

If you do go, when you leave I would make a point of saying to them sarcastically "I just wanted to say to you all, Thank you for making me feel so welcome, there's nothing like mums supporting other mums" then turn round and walk out confidently. What horrible people. I've got a 7 week old and haven't been to any classes yet but have heard they can be like that. How awful for you

You don’t need this - find a new group.

Yes, what vile people. Dear God , is there some kind of anti-dummy mafia out there? Good job I wasn’t in that group.

Meant to also say that is truly awful to be excluded like that. My DS1 begged to leave scouts not long after he’d started although he had loved Cubs. He said all the rest ignored him (not many had gone evil to scouts) and his one friend who wasn’t always there. I thought he was exaggerating until I waited with him one day when the leader was a bit late and I saw exactly what they did. I spoke to the leader who basically said it wasn’t going on. I marched him out and he never went back. But they were 11 year old boys not grown up women for crying out loud.

You’re just at a different life stage to them so maybe not have gelled. I don’t think that makes them ‘vile bitches’. Just find your own tribe

It will be the age difference I bet. I experienced similar. Honestly don’t put yourself through it. First time round I felt like I had to go to baby groups, second time round I knew not to bother and we had a much nicer time!