Is any ‘discipline’ necessary for a 2 year old

[Yogamummy23]

Hello, looking for a little bit of advice from mums who’ve been though the toddler years!

My DD, who is so bright and loving and amazing, has just turned 2. She’s displaying a few challenging behaviours which I think (?!) are normal for this age. She has a couple of huge tantrums a week, lots of screaming, pushing me away if I approach her, throwing things I give her eg water, completely out of control. Then once she’s calmed down she’s back to her normal lovely self and all is forgotten.

I basically just want some advice how to deal with it in an age appropriate way. I have this fear of getting it wrong and she grows up to not behave well! Should I be doing anything to reinforce that things like throwing/pushing arnt allowed? Could someone just revue my approach and let me know what you would do:

Examples for tantrums are things like: she doesn’t want to get in the push chair but doesn’t want to walk - wants me to carry her. I didn’t give in but after she screamed for so long I got her into the push chair watching a video on my phone (probably not the best ?!)

Doesn’t want to get dressed or brush teeth, I insist she does but let her watch her favourite programme while we do it.

When she does things that we don’t want her to e.g bangs the tv with her hands or throws things we just repeat ‘no , we don’t do that’ or ‘no the tv is going off now’ but it doesn’t seem to be going in! Should I be more forceful with it? I don’t like to raise my voice at her. I just don’t know the best way to do things and I want to do my best for her.

Sorry for the long message and please genuine , kind advice! I’m anxious about this and just trying to be a good mum so please be kind.

Thank you.

Tricky times for you both! I'm no expert but I think at this age they do get into moods where distraction is your best strategy. One of my children needed a laugh and a hard hug, one needed me chattering on about something random he might be interested. My youngest was impossible to predict - we'd just try all sorts until something clicked. That was tough, and still is actually!

One thing that helps is cultivating a tone of voice that is firm without being shouty or shrill. I know it sounds odd, but you can even practise it in the mirror.

It will gradually get easier if you are pretty solid on those boundaries. It seems like it isn't going in, but it really is, just slowly. It's so tempting to give up but I could always tell when I'd been giving in out of tiredness or sheer hopelessness. Everything just got harder. Honestly, it was never worth it even just for that moment of peace.

However, I also found that sometimes I backed myself into a corner by making a demand or rule that really wasn't necessary - so be ready to do a reality check if she is really not responding. Maybe your request wasn't really necessary or maybe there's an alternative that works just as well.

@Gentleness thank you for your lovely, helpful message! Definitely some really helpful things there, so thank you.

I agree that ‘picking your battles’ so to speak is something I’m working on. For example dressing is a big trigger so I don’t force her to wear coats, jackets etc until outside and then if it’s cold she usually wants one! I also let her walk a long way veryyyy slowly if she doesn’t want to go in the push chair.

Interesting what you say about finding what works for them, I’m still trying to find it! When she’s in full swing it’s impossible to get through to her - she’s like a different child! Flailing limbs, banging the floor all the textbook tantrum things and she definitely doesn’t want to be touched! Occasionally I can distract her with a video on my phone but that’s about it. I’ve tried food, drinks, cuddles, toys, looking at things .. running out of ideas!

It’s not nice seeing your child like this but I think it is normal which is a comfort. I just worry I’m not dealing with it in the right way and I feel like it’s so important to get this stuff right!

If they aren't somewhere dangerous, it can sometimes be better to give them space to work through their emotions.

Not sure if it’s helpful but I’ve found role playing really helpful with my DD (2) So for example DD won’t put on her coat to go outside with mummy…but Elsa will put on her coat to go to the North mountain with Ana. DD won’t sit still to get her hair brushed/nails clipped etc…but loves a visit to the ‘hairdressers’ …and even loves getting a ‘manicure and pedicure’ from the assistant (aka daddy 🤣). And I find if I can switch from being frustrated into having fun it helps me be happier as well 😁

Only thing to add is that I would be careful about screens becoming the default bribery. In the two examples you give you are using screens to get her to do what you want and while I think they are definitely useful when needed, it’s not a great habit to get into regularly. She will learn that if she wants to watch telly or videos then she just has to have a strop about something and then she’ll get to watch it.

I would be careful with things like giving the phone, that could very easily become an “I do this I get mummies phone” situation and inadvertently encourage the behaviour.

I think at this age when safe ignoring completely often works best, then a hug and carry on with the day when calm.

You don't have to shout but you do need to have a "stern" voice that is very different from your usual tone of of voice. I always found a firm "no, we don't do that" then removing or distracting if they do it again to be the best course of action.

Picking your battles is wise but there are some things that are non negotiable like teeth brushing or getting in the pushchair. In these circumstances it's okay to use a bit of force, not violence but force. Hold them down and get those teeth brushed, hold them into the pushchair and get those straps done up etc.

My best advice with toddlers is to let the tantrums wash over you. Easier said than done I know but toddlers scream and cry a lot and trying to calm them down without giving in is nigh on impossible. And giving in to a tantrum is the worst thing you can do because it just sets you up for more and more tantrums. So just let her have the tantrum and when she's calmed down give her a cuddle and then bright and breezily suggest the next thing. If she pushes you away when you go near her then don't go near her when she's having a tantrum. I never really tried to calm mine down, I just carried on with what I was doing and ignored them, sometimes I went off into another room. It might sound a bit cruel but I'm fun, loving mummy the rest of the time, I just didn't give them any attention when they were kicking off 😂

Honestly OP tantrums are perfectly normal. Just be careful not to give too much attention or pander to them in the throes of a tantrum or you will end up regretting it down the line.

Distraction and ignoring worked best at this age. Once they get to about 28m they seem easier to rationalise with.

Discipline has such negative connotations. Children, particularly little children, need the security of boundaries and guidance from loving parents.
Parents using positive reinforcement and being assertive is the best way for all. They need to understand parents are in charge, but not to the point they become automatons.
Bribery and extrinsic rewards only work to a point. The need for tangible rewards escalate to a silly point.

If she’s doing something potentially harmful to herself, another person or property, then a sharp “No we don’t do X” then move her away if you need to. Ignore any resulting tantrum.
Exchange the word discipline for boundaries, all children need to know what is acceptable and what isn’t. It’s our job as parents to teach them, and at 2 years old she’s at an age when you can definitely be putting those boundaries in place.

I find a lot of success with simple waiting at that age. Sitting quietly next to them while they tantrum after offering a hug. Usually my dc would say no to the hug, then change their mind a few seconds later and come for a cuddle.

Tantrums are not naughty behaviour, so please don't worry that it will mean your child is going to misbehave in the future. Tantrums are when they are overwhelmed by emotions that their brain is not developed enough to deal with. The best thing you can do is show them how to be calm.

An example would look like this:

Me - No DD you are not allowed to hit the TV, it will break.

• child Tantrums -

Me - I'm sorry that makes you sad/angry/upset/frustrated, do you want a cuddle. Child - NO!!! Me - OK, well I am right here if you do want a cuddle to help you calm down.

A few seconds later either the tantrum stops and they move on to something else or they come for a cuddle.

This works wherever you are, you just have to stay calm and wait. Don't worry about people looking at you, don't let the stress of it make you lose control of your emotions, show them how to be calm.

I think a lot of it’s tiredness or cutting molars. You can’t reason with a tired and irritated toddler. Sometimes it’s not fair to let them carry on screaming/tantrum if they are ‘beyond it’. In such circumstances if it’s just after lunch or coming up to bedtime, I’d just scoop them up and get them ready for an afternoon nap or an early night.

I would not reward bad behaviour to give yourself a short time of compliance. That includes snacks, screens and your attention if you’re busy interacting with another adult. Just ignore as much as possible.

Don’t be afraid to say ‘no’ or set boundaries. At some point it will all click into place. I think I’d only say no to things that were likely to cause injury or destruction. I.e hurting others, about to hurt themselves, about to launch their juice all over a cream sofa or something.

I do think you need to try and stop giving her the phone when she is misbehaving/ having a tantrum. I know it's tempting as it shuts her up but if you think about it you are basically rewarding the behaviour. But I understand it is something that works when she is driving you crazy with her tantrums!

As the above poster said, if she's in a safe place then just leave her to it. Let her have the tantrum and work through her emotions.

If she throws/ pushes/ hits then give her a firm "No", take her away from that situation or place and then just let her finish her tantrum. At only just two she's too young for anything else really.

For a three year old I might start using time outs etc. but at two she is really little and probably won't get it. She's working through a lot - I think at two the world is very confusing and there are a lot of little discomforts that we have to learn to deal with - like putting on a coat when we don't want to ;)

With the coat thing, honestly it's probably easier for both of you if you just make her put the coat on, let her have a tantrum and deal with it, rather than months/ years of giving in and letting her not wear a coat until she's outside. She's trying to avoid a small discomfort but you need to teach her that she really doesn't need to and it's OK.

She needs to know where the boundary is and you know what you are doing isn't going to hurt her.

Good luck though - it's a very difficult time!

I agree with waiting when you can.

(However note this won't work if you have a child#2 and then need to get somewhere for older one such as pick up from school.)

The other one that hasn't been mentioned is choices. Teeth before or after bath? That kind of thing. Or even red toothbrush or blue?

I always remember Philippa Perry's advice from The Book You Wish Your Parents Had Read (which I heartily recommend btw!!).

She advises empathising with your child when they're kicking off, which validates their feelings. So if they're annoyed because they can't have an ice cream, saying, 'I know, you feel really sad because you couldn't have an ice cream. It feels really unfair, doesn't it? You really wanted that ice cream.' I did it quite a lot with DS2 and it cut his tantrums almost dead! He'd kind of go, 'Yeeeeeeessssss. Sniff!' And then happily get on with something else. She advises against distraction, because it doesn't encourage the child to deal with their feelings.

Sometimes they just want to be heard, and that's enough.

Good luck OP! It does get easier.

Tantrums are totally normal and healthy and toddlers can't help having them! So I don't think discipline is appropriate as such. I would just be with mine until they moved through it, make sure they aren't getting hurt and just sit until they were done. Then say "they were some big feelings weren't they?" and have a cuddle and get on with our day. Not that it always went like that, sometimes I would not be that patient! But that was the aim. When it happens in public, try not to pay any attention to what other people think - I always got angry at the stares from people walking past staring like they'd never seen a bloody tantrum before. Ignore. Also, remember you are the only expert you need when it comes to your child so follow your instinct. Good luck - it gets easier!

If she’s unable to be reasoned with remove her or yourself. If your in a shop for example take her outside until she’s calm. If your in the house move to another room.
If you do too much appeasing she may start to rely on it and it will perpetuate the behaviour.
Most creative, intelligent children are hard work at times and this is completely normal but she won’t thank you in the future if you don’t provide some boundaries.

I have to say i really dont agree with ignoring the tantrums. Your child is in emotional distress. It isnt logical, but it is very real to them. You wouldn't ignore an adult loved one in distress, so I dont see why it is acceptable to do that to a toddler. No matter the reason for the tantrum you can offer comfort without giving in to their demands. Set the boundary, but comfort them when they are upset about it.

I follow a page on Instagram called Big Little Feelings.
She's a child psychologist and talks about how to deal with things like this and it's been amazing for me and my DDs. It's all positive parenting which I love.

There was a BBC documentary about babies and toddlers and they did lots of little experiments with toddlers to look for the best way to deal with tantrums and they concluded that distraction was the best technique. My DD has also recently turned 2, and she's pushing boundaries a little now, but if she is throwing her toy teapot (her favourite activity!) then ill distract her with a different toy. When we eat out at restaurants (I avoid at all costs normally!) ill bring some toys as ultimately she just want to run around. I'll bring her brothers kindle fire and put on a phonetic game she absolutely loves. A lot of the time I allow her the freedom to do things if it's not dangerous, like if we go to the supermarket I'll let her walk by the side of me (holding my hand) and alternative that with her sitting in the trolley with an apple (a good distraction for her). On the whole if she is stroppy it's usually tiredness or hunger so snacks usually work as a good distraction! Apples, carrot sticks work well as they take ages to eat! Good luck :)

For naughtiness and general bad behaviour you definitely need a stern voice with a “ No we don’t do that”. I have a friend who was completely ineffectual at this and her DD used to run rings around her. When ours was a bit bigger we had a naughty spot which handily could be anywhere. I have a photo of my DD sitting next to the free newspapers at the train station. As much as it is safe to do so I would ignore tantrums. If you’re at home I would not look at her or walk away and certainly in our case it would stop quicker. If you’re somewhere where it’s going to disturb people like the library then I’d scoop her up under your arm ( however you can safely hold her) and get out quickly however other public places I’d just stand next to her and let her vent for a minute and then say “ right are you ready to go to.....” in a calm voice. They probably need this more than once but keep calm and let it play out if you can. Other parents are not going to be judging because we’ve all been through it. I might look and smile to myself because I can clearly remember those days... I’d like a universal sign of solidarity to send you at those moments because I understand it’s tough.

Try different techniques and see what works... I’m not an expert in anyone’s child apart from my own. Giving attention and trying to comfort my DD when she was in full flow wouldn’t have calmed it at all it would have given her something to rage against.

It’s difficult to know what to do isn’t it. All kids are different but as a general rule I would not use phones or tablets as a way of getting through flash points in the day just because it may become a habit for both of you.

I try to think of when I lose my shit and can’t deal with my emotions and how much more difficult it would be to handle it as a toddler. It’s not naughtiness when they lose it (not all the time anyway), but things like getting into the pram and brushing teeth are non negotiable. I found the best thing is distraction or focus on something else. Eg. ‘Let’s get into the pram quickly so we can see the ducks on the way to the supermarket! How many do you think there will be today? Shall we count the together?’ Etc.

I'm going through the same as you at the moment! When DD is having a tantrum I just walk away and leave her to it but say "mummy will be here when you're finished love" and ill just sit down and have a coffee! After a couple of minutes it dawns on her that she's not getting any attention and she comes over offering me a toy or something (sometimes I'll walk off and play with something and laugh like a mad woman and this tends to stop the strop and she'll come over and play with me). If she does something like hitting the TV, we tell her no, if she does it again she gets warned if she does it again she'll get put on the naughty step and we follow through if she does it (2 mins, explain why she's there, she says sorry and we have a kiss and cuddle). Definitely pick your battles, and if you can tell she's on the edge of a tantrum or pushing boundaries I do find giving it a good old ignoring does wonders. I keep telling myself it will pass eventually!

We did the offering choice so what toothpaste did they want to use or out of two tops which did they want to wear? It helps them feel a bit more in control.

For tantrums, I always asked did they just need to ‘feel their feelings’. I even do it now when they are getting worked up, it acknowledges that they are upset/frustrated but that it is valid to feel like that. I said that I was right there and would sit down beside them (if in the house) and let them come to me when they were ready. I found out the hard way that constantly trying to comfort or distract them seemed to make it last longer as they got even more frustrated.

But definitely you do need to address bad behaviour now otherwise it gets harder as they get older.