Is any ‘discipline’ necessary for a 2 year old

[Yogamummy23]

Hello, looking for a little bit of advice from mums who’ve been though the toddler years!

My DD, who is so bright and loving and amazing, has just turned 2. She’s displaying a few challenging behaviours which I think (?!) are normal for this age. She has a couple of huge tantrums a week, lots of screaming, pushing me away if I approach her, throwing things I give her eg water, completely out of control. Then once she’s calmed down she’s back to her normal lovely self and all is forgotten.

I basically just want some advice how to deal with it in an age appropriate way. I have this fear of getting it wrong and she grows up to not behave well! Should I be doing anything to reinforce that things like throwing/pushing arnt allowed? Could someone just revue my approach and let me know what you would do:

Examples for tantrums are things like: she doesn’t want to get in the push chair but doesn’t want to walk - wants me to carry her. I didn’t give in but after she screamed for so long I got her into the push chair watching a video on my phone (probably not the best ?!)

Doesn’t want to get dressed or brush teeth, I insist she does but let her watch her favourite programme while we do it.

When she does things that we don’t want her to e.g bangs the tv with her hands or throws things we just repeat ‘no , we don’t do that’ or ‘no the tv is going off now’ but it doesn’t seem to be going in! Should I be more forceful with it? I don’t like to raise my voice at her. I just don’t know the best way to do things and I want to do my best for her.

Sorry for the long message and please genuine , kind advice! I’m anxious about this and just trying to be a good mum so please be kind.

Thank you.

My daughter is only 26 months so I’m no expert but I think that using TV / phone videos to get your child to do what you’re asking is probably not something you want to have to rely on all the time? Not saying that judgementally, I know that feeling!

Are there any other ways you can distract her? I find singing a song works with my daughter. Or for getting her in the buggie, could you give her a toy before you try to get her to sit in it - that way you are distracting her but not rewarding her tantrum by giving it to her after she kicks off.

Pushing boundaries is absolutely standard for this age but they are certainly old enough for discipline. The best advice I read on here is to choose you battles - so if it’s something minor eg pouring water over the table, I’d say “no, water is for drinking” (rather than, “no, don’t do that” - ie being clear what I want her to do, not just telling her what she’s doing is wrong) and then distract.

If it’s hitting, biting etc, then it’s a much firmer telling off “No, we do not hit, we use gentle hands” etc - never shouting but firm.

I also find countdowns very effective - so if we’re at the park, and she’s on the slide, I might ‘3 more slides then buggie’, countdown with her and then after those 3 slides, it’s in the buggy - no negotiations. If you’re consistent, even in the face of tantrums, it can really help - my daughter will now do her last slide, saying “last one” and walk to the buggy herself.

But none of it is an exact science - they are little people learning to manage their emotions ans test boundaries, so whatever you do, there will be tantrums - there’s not really anyway around it. In the end you can only do your best and remember that it’s a phase! Good luck and hope that helps at least a bit! x

This was my bible 20 years ago. I can’t remember it advocating anything unreasonable, just help with setting boundaries.

Toddler taming by Christopher green

@LemonRoses

Discipline has such negative connotations. Children, particularly little children, need the security of boundaries and guidance from loving parents. Parents using positive reinforcement and being assertive is the best way for all. They need to understand parents are in charge, but not to the point they become automatons. Bribery and extrinsic rewards only work to a point. The need for tangible rewards escalate to a silly point.

This.

It's become trendy all of a sudden not to discipline children when a big part of loving your child and being a proper parent is discipling them and bringing them up to be people who respect adults/others and can respect boundaries. Lack of discipline is a failure of parenting. There's too many spoiled brats running around who are turning into entitled , selfish adults.

I've just remembered about waiting. My eldest is no hurrier. He has no sense of pace, just like his dad whereas I like to be brisk and move on to the next thing quickly. There was time to wait with him, though he was less than 20mo when his brother was born. Now we have this insanely irritating situation where he will dawdle at his own dreamy pace and then when time has run out, panic and lose everything. We are late because of this so often and I do wonder if I set myself up by allowing the dawdle early on. I know it's his personality, but I thought I'd have more influence. I share this not as advice but as an example of the kind of mum analysis that gets you nowhere.

There are so many helpful tips here so thank you so much! Lots of things to try and it’s so comforting to hear that her tantrums are normal and that sometimes it’s best to ignore. I feel awful as she usually is very loving but when she’s in a meltdown she doesn’t want me anywhere near her!!

I agree about the phone. I only use it as a last resort but even that is not ideal! I agree. Distraction seems to be key but she just hates being in the push chair at the moment and it’s such a tricky negotiation sometimes!

Thank you all it’s much appreciated

@Stormwhale

I have to say i really dont agree with ignoring the tantrums. Your child is in emotional distress. It isnt logical, but it is very real to them. You wouldn't ignore an adult loved one in distress, so I dont see why it is acceptable to do that to a toddler. No matter the reason for the tantrum you can offer comfort without giving in to their demands. Set the boundary, but comfort them when they are upset about it.

A tantrum is a rage of frustration because they can't have/do what they want, and their emotions are overwhelming., so they yell and cry.

Adult loved ones don't have tantrums though, do they? At least the ones I know don't. If they are in distress, generally speaking there is a legitimate reason for it. They don't scream and thrash around on the floor in the supermarket because you won't let them have a chocolate bar.

Just make sure you change your tone when you are telling her no, be clear and give a very short explanation why you don't want her to do what she is doing, and remover her from the situation if it is dangerous or she doesn't stop.
What you're doing sounds fine though. As for the watching programmes 🤷‍♀️ you do what you need to.

Try a deeper voice and space your words out. You don’t raise your voice. NO...YOU..DO..NOT DO ..THAT. Once you raise your voice you are signalling that you are losing control. So deeper, definite and in control.

I feel the same way - I find the majority of my toddlers “naughty” behaviour is often actually just because she’s exhausted or hungry and I therefore don’t want to “punish” her for how she is when she feels tired / hungry. Heck, I’m unpleasant when I’m tired or hungry. We all are. I try and keep on top of the hunger and tiredness. Then I try and use distraction, a change of scene or a bit of fresh air if I feel she is feeling overwhelmed or is getting bored of something. I would agree with others that screens as the “bribe” isn’t something that will be helpful in the longer term.

Narration of behaviour is a good tool, eg they spill a cup and get distraught. I might say “oh, you were enjoying your drink and then your hand knocked the cup and the drink spilled, you didn’t want that to happen and now you feel sad and cross” - my toddler will look at me wide eyed when I start talking like that and it gives an inroad to discussion and connection rather than just arm flailing tantrum. You can go on to say things like “I feel cross when I spill a drink. When I feel cross I like to take deep breaths to help me feel calm again” - then model big exaggerated deep breaths, and often just that is enough of a distraction that they stop the tantrum and can become interested in something else.

If my toddler won’t get dressed I try and talk about natural consequences like “well, we can’t go downstairs and eat our breakfast until we’ve got our clothes on, can we? What shall we have for breakfast? Ok, weetabix great. When we’ve got our trousers on we’ll go and have some weetabix” - offer the motivation for the behaviour you want to see. And also a big thing is just letting instructions sink in - it takes time for toddlers to process what they hear, so ask them to do something like get dressed, but then don’t give up if they don’t do it immediately - forget the screens. Ask them again a second time. Say “I’m ready to help you get dressed when you’re ready. I love this pink dress we have chosen” etc. Everything takes a long time with a toddler - I believe a lot of our job is to slow down our expectations of them and help them to understand and process what we are asking of them. Screens speed up the job but long term will slow down learning I feel.

It's sounds like you're approaching it things the right way. Carry on how you are doing it with a strong no or removing something if she's breaking it. Also try positive reinforcement when she does things first time or does something gently. Bribery also goes a long way! I used to always have done sort of treat in my bag my boys got wise to it and would ask for bribery! They didn't mind being bribed to be good do it sort of worked!