Completely lost my temper with 3 year old, is it normal?!

[Poppysmummy92]

Screamed at my 3 year old tonight and feeling awful about it...

To add some context I have a 4 day old baby so to say I’m feeling emotional is an understatement but I know it still doesn’t make it right!

My DD is 3 years 10 months and she’s always been quite self assured and cheeky but lately she’s just been pushing me to my limits. To give an example she woke up last night at 1am ish and wanted to get up, it took me a good hour to get her back to sleep, she wasn’t screaming and shouting she was just refusing to go back to bed. Then this morning when taking her down for breakfast she helped herself to sprinkles out the cupboard, ran off shoving them down her throat and refused to eat any normal breakfast. This evening she kicked off because she didn’t want to dry her hair, was rolling around on the floor crying refusing to have it done then the icing on the cake was that she refused to go to bed to the point where she was opening her curtains and jumping up and down on her bed when I’d said goodnight and left the room. She was over tired today and I put that down to her behaviour, she was just being irrational and silly but as I was surviving on a few hours sleep (newborn night feeds!) and still recovering from labour it was just too much today. 1 hour 30 mins of me putting her back to bed and her getting up then back to bed etc etc she came out of her room for what seemed like the 1000th time and I screamed blue murder at her to get back to bed then cried like a baby and ran upstairs....

I have a husband I’m not alone and he does help but I always find the hardcore parenting ie the discipline and boring parts always falls with the mum. Anyway my issue is that I just feel horrendous that I’ve lost it with her, I’ve never screamed at her but I just always seem to be using my “cross” voice with her it’s draining the life out of me. I know toddlers/young children are hard but I thought I’d have more patience than I do and I’m just disappointed in the parent I’m becoming.

Can anyone make me feel better that I’m not a child abuser 😭

Oh that sounds so hard, of course you're going to be more on edge than usual when you're still emotionally and physically recovering from birth. Your husband needs to step up and help out more, it shouldn't be you spending an hour trying to put a stubborn 3 year old back to bed 4 days after childbirth.

Oof! Day 4 of a new baby is the worst day! Hormones! Cut yourself some slack. Your Dd will be adjusting too. I found 4yo a really difficult age for my Dd, we had a lot of challenges. She also had a lot of sleep issues. I also screamed at her on more than one occasion. I'm not proud. I read a few parenting books, how to talk so kids will listen and 123 magic were really helpful. But I'm not saying read them now! For now, give yourself a break. Count to ten. Walk off. Put the kettle on.

it is so so hard when you have a newborn and an older child. You’re not a bad parent, you just had a bad moment. MN is full of people who have apparently never shouted at their child, but I have, usually when I’m just completely overwhelmed. It’s really important that you apologise for it later, and show her that even grown ups get it wrong.

As for her … someone once told me that bringing home a newborn is akin to your husband bringing home another wife, telling you that he loves her as much as he loves you and you all have to just get on with this new regime. I think that’s pretty accurate tbh; you are her world, and suddenly she has to share you. So lots of patience, empathy and cuddles. I used to do things like telling my baby he had to wait his turn (all sorts of performance parenting for the benefit of my older child). Basically she just wants to know if you still love her. She will get there. Give it time.

Forgive yourself - do it now! Goodness me; I am amazed you did not lose it before! You are not becoming a bad parent; absolutely not! You are a human being, awash in hormones with more work than one person can deal with, especially with little sleep.

Your OH needs to step up here - you need to have some division of labour that gives you time to give attention to both children. DD wants to be reassured that she has not been usurped and you can only do this with support from OH.

It is such a hard time - I remember it well. A friend visited when I was at this stage and she stepped in and shared the load a bit for me. This is what your OH must do.

Anyway my issue is that I just feel horrendous that I’ve lost it with her - I think your issue is with your OH who leaves the hardcore parenting to you.

I hope that things begin to steadily ease for you; just don't feel bad. I have adult children and have talked with them about how bad I feel about the times I "lost it", and - guess what? - they have no memory of these incidents!

Day 4 is THE DAY of ALL THE HORMONES. Also, probably baby blues kicking in for the next two or three.
It's a one off, try not to let it play on your mind, just have a cuddle tomorrow.
Your husband needs to be stepping in here and dealing with her, not leaving it all to you. Of course you will snap!

She's probably acting out as she's not the baby anymore. It's only been four days and there's a brand new person living with her. Her mummy's upset and tired and she's probably feeling insecure.

Your DH needs to step up, but remember she's so little herself.

Oh you poor thing. Been through this twice with my 3, and my heart goes out to you. Each time was incredibly difficult for the first few weeks, and I felt I had made a huge mistake having another baby. It’s all so new, and a massive change for everyone. Please be kind to yourself and don’t beat yourself up. It WILL get better. And yes your DH really needs to step up, especially at a time like this!!!

sending so much love. Ask your DH to act like a parent not a helper and rest, rest, rest.

My DC are now late teens and early 20s but I recall this so vividly.

You have just given birth. Cut yourself and your DD some slack. You will get through this and have as much support as you need here.

Good luck.

Where was your husband when this was happening op? Because no you shouldn't have shouted BUT you're recovering from labour, no sleep, hyper child who is struggling to adjust to being usurped and it's not surprising you're both struggling. So where was DH because if he was in the house, it sounds like you have a DH problem

Aaa I love all these replies thank you, made me feel so much better! When I googled shouting at your child today it said it was a form of abuse and it made me feel terrible, everyone’s human right?!

I’m hoping her behaviour is just her acting out because of the baby like you say, she’s definitely upped the not listening/kicking off at silly things since our new arrival.

I’m quite conscious I’ve made my husband sound like he does nothing lol! He is very hands on as a dad and did offer at one point to swap during the bedtime drama but I said no. I don’t know why but I never want to let him take over, I feel like it’s something I can should be able to handle myself but maybe this is where I’m going wrong not letting him step in before I lose my cool.

I’m writing this as I lay in bed as my husband got up with DD at 6am so I could rest. Today is a new day!

When my youngest was born, DH and I used to pick a child each morning. For that day we did everything with them. So each child had a parent 1:1. You need to be willing to accept that DH has a role to play here too. You cannot do it all yourself.

DS1 was not without his tantrums. But he got a big fuss made of him, lots of attention, lots of praise, lots of cuddles each day. DH used to take him out and make a big deal of me being stuck at home with a boring baby. (Which I loved because I just slept all day!)

Your DC just needs lots of attention and reassurance that you still love them as much as the new baby. She just wants attention and is acting up to get it. You're also in prime baby blues territory if I remember rightly (day 5 PP was always bad for me) so cut yourself some slack too.

This is the time to hand over the parenting drudge work to DH and just focus on giving the older one lots of love and positive attention. Leave the discipline to DH for the rest of his paternity leave.

I don’t know why but I never want to let him take over,

He is her parent too. It is not him ‘taking over’.

Honestly sometimes parents (especially parents of a brand new baby) do lose their shit spectacularly. I know I have.

I think it's quite an important lesson for a child to learn that people have boundaries, if you push and push to that boundary, they will lose their temper.

Congratulations on the new baby!

Going from giving birth to your first baby to your second is quite different isn't it? With the first you can concentrate fully, bond and live in this little baby bubble. The second, you just have to kind of get on with it, especially if you have another little one.
You are not a bad mum, you have given birth a few days ago but I agree your DH needs to step up here.

"When I googled shouting at your child today it said it was a form of abuse and it made me feel terrible, everyone’s human right?!"

I think shouting can be a form of abuse. Prolonged shouting, or following the child around to continue shouting at them, shouting nasty things about the child's personality - this is abusive.

Screaming once to "get back in bed" is very different.

Agree with other posters to ask for more support from your dh - you need help with your exhaustion, and DD needs to feel secure so that she stops playing up.

Ok so glad he's not hiding away.

Yes Def swap out. Eldest is 6, if he's being awkward and I can hear DH is starting to lose patience, I go in just to interrupt the tension as such. In your shoes, I'd Def let Dad take over if you're losing your cool and she won't listen.

Important question - when you yelled at her did she stop the behaviour?

It perfectly normal for kids to push us to our limits and perfectly normal for us to reach our limits. We're all human!

The good thing is you know it's not a good situation when we get here and want prevent reaching it again and also recognise you need to let your DH take over at times.

And true - today is another day.

Why were you doing all that with a 4 day old baby and a husband?

I would have your dh do all bedtime and overnight settling with toddler atm. You can’t be running around after both, and your going to cause yourself physical damage bending, lifting etc so soon after birth whilst your stomach muscles recover.

I’m not saying you can’t be there at bedtime, but your need your dh to be doing bathtime, wrangling toddler into pjs etc. Then you get to take turns doing the ‘nice’ bits like reading a book to her before bed and kissing goodnight.
Overnight, you need to tag team, if your bf baby then by default you take newborn and he takes toddler wakes. If bottle feeding then you can swap who does each.

You will make yourself ill physically and mentally (worrying now about shouting), when you need some time to just rest and let others take over.

You HAVE to let him step in because im assuming he will be back at work soon so you need the help now.

I'd go as far as agreeing that he takes sole responsibility your 3 year year old for the next week so you can rest with your new baby.

Press the reset button. Todays a new day. Lots of cuddles with her on your sofa with new baby and you.

You are still supposed to be resting y'know ...

I don't think I'd ever felt rage like the ones I used to get when the kids were small. I think a combination of lack of sleep, stroppy toddlers, full time job and having to get everyone out of the door by 730am led to them. I quite often arrived at work completely drained after a monumental kick off over breakfast.

Neither child seems to have long term effects from those days.

Yes, today is a new day, op. Put it behind you and move forward with your lovely little family. (The fact that you felt so awful shows you're a great mum !)
Rest as much as you can, and get as much help as you can. And remember you are normal !

Don't be silly OP, of course you're not a child abuser!

You need to be much stricter day to day with your toddler rather than letting it get to the stage of you blowing up when you understandably reach breaking point.

Naughtiness is normal in toddlers but you need to give her proper consequences for bad behaviour otherwise she will keep on repeating it and pushing you endlessly in all directions.

With such a young baby, you shouldn't be dealing with protracted bedtimes with toddlers, or breakfasts, or night wakings. My goodness, what is your partner doing? I mean seriously, if you are doing night feeds for baby, why are you also resettling your toddler at night?

The absolute minimum he should be doing is bedtime for your eldest and night wakings for them.

Ideally no you shouldn't have shouted at your eldest, given having a new baby is like a bomb going off in her life, but it's not your fault, it's your partner's fault for not stepping up.

How can he be hands off if he's leaving breakfast, bedtimes and night wakings for both children to you?

If you weren't recovering, he should be doing 50%,you recovering from labour means he should be doing at least 80% of everything.

I'm quite angry in your behalf for this.

*My goodness, what is your partner doing? I mean seriously, if you are doing night feeds for baby, why are you also resettling your toddler at night?

The absolute minimum he should be doing is bedtime for your eldest and night wakings for them.*

Did you miss the op saying she won’t let him do anything?