Completely lost my temper with 3 year old, is it normal?!

[Poppysmummy92]

Screamed at my 3 year old tonight and feeling awful about it...

To add some context I have a 4 day old baby so to say I’m feeling emotional is an understatement but I know it still doesn’t make it right!

My DD is 3 years 10 months and she’s always been quite self assured and cheeky but lately she’s just been pushing me to my limits. To give an example she woke up last night at 1am ish and wanted to get up, it took me a good hour to get her back to sleep, she wasn’t screaming and shouting she was just refusing to go back to bed. Then this morning when taking her down for breakfast she helped herself to sprinkles out the cupboard, ran off shoving them down her throat and refused to eat any normal breakfast. This evening she kicked off because she didn’t want to dry her hair, was rolling around on the floor crying refusing to have it done then the icing on the cake was that she refused to go to bed to the point where she was opening her curtains and jumping up and down on her bed when I’d said goodnight and left the room. She was over tired today and I put that down to her behaviour, she was just being irrational and silly but as I was surviving on a few hours sleep (newborn night feeds!) and still recovering from labour it was just too much today. 1 hour 30 mins of me putting her back to bed and her getting up then back to bed etc etc she came out of her room for what seemed like the 1000th time and I screamed blue murder at her to get back to bed then cried like a baby and ran upstairs....

I have a husband I’m not alone and he does help but I always find the hardcore parenting ie the discipline and boring parts always falls with the mum. Anyway my issue is that I just feel horrendous that I’ve lost it with her, I’ve never screamed at her but I just always seem to be using my “cross” voice with her it’s draining the life out of me. I know toddlers/young children are hard but I thought I’d have more patience than I do and I’m just disappointed in the parent I’m becoming.

Can anyone make me feel better that I’m not a child abuser 😭

No I didn't.

But this OP posted nearly a year back about how he didn't lift a finger, and she did everything, and he only did a few hours of looking after their child a week, and everything else was her, back then.

Yes, she could taken taken him up on his offer (and maybe should have), but she shouldn't be the default one who the offer is made to, he should just be getting on with it without being asked. And it shouldn't take having a 4 day old baby for him to step up with his firstborn.

Also, what exhausted recovering mum of a 4 day old baby wouldn't say 'ok' to putting the toddler back to bed, or dealing with the night wakings, unless they felt that (a) it's been ingrained into them that they need to it it all (b) they feel like it's not a genuine offer (c) it would be more hassle than it's worth.

He is very hands on as a dad and did offer at one point to swap during the bedtime drama but I said no. I don’t know why but I never want to let him take over, I feel like it’s something I can should be able to handle myself but maybe this is where I’m going wrong not letting him step in before I lose my cool.

Poor OH!! - he is feeling pushed out from being a parent to his own children!

It is you who must learn to let go. There is not just one way to parent and there will be slight nuances that are different when your OH is dealing with the children. But that is fine - it is all part of the child learning that people are different from each other but all deserve respect.

Ours used to have a Daddy Day each week when I was working and he had his day off - they loved it. They knew that things would be a bit different that day and simply adapted to it. They finished up with a very close relationship with their Dad and mourn his loss - he died last year. I am so glad that one of his life experiences was such a close relationship with his DDs.

Give your OH the chance to share both the fun and the chores; the jollity and the difficult times. You are making a rod for your own back in not letting him parent, as well as depriving him and them of the joys of parenthood.

Time to have a rethink.....right now!

Just say sorry for shouting but explain why you lost your temper and how her behaviour made you feel. It's normal for kids to see adults being non perfect beings but teach her what to do to make it good again.

Honestly, you've got a 4 day old baby and your toddlers life has just been completely turned upside down. Pick your battles. If it ain't going to hurt her and she isn't unsafe just let things go a bit.
Let her hair be scruffy, let her eat sprinkles and give her breakfast in an hour etc - I'm not saying let all boundaries go but she just wants your attention and is feeling insecure with a new sibling.

Tell her you know she's finding it tough right now and that you love her and care about her and that she's still your baby too. She'll even out.

Be kind, to all of you.

Thank you so much again everyone. I think I wrote this post needing some validation that shouting every now and then it’s understandable but my real take away from this is how her behaviour must be linked to the new baby. She hasn’t obviously been effected she’s so sweet with him and hasn’t said anything but it makes perfect sense that she’s acting out because of the change. I find myself telling her off and then going to the baby picking him up and cuddling him and she’s probably thinking that I’m being horrible to her and lovely to the baby.

My OH is honestly very hands on I don’t think he’s the problem. But I do agree that he needs to step up with the tougher side of parenting, he’s chief player and does all the fun stuff and is very hands on in that sense he’s always doing things with DD but the basics ie making her meals, bath time, getting her dressed to bed etc it’s always been me.

I think I may set some time aside over the next few days to spend with DD just me and her, I do need to cut her some slack and be more understanding that she’s going through a tough time adjusting.

He's not hands on if he only does the fun stuff - that's what grandparents are for. Parents need to be able to do the whole shebang. You've literally just had a baby, the least he can do is run a bath.

When we had our second, DH took 3yo DD and I had baby DS and that was our area of responsibility for three weeks while he was off work. I probably got the easier deal.

And yes, her whole world has just been invaded by a baby and it's an adjustment. We're six months down the line and while it's been pretty easy I can see how frustrated DD is by having to wait for the baby to have a feed or have a nap.

OP, playing without doing the hard bits isn't being hands on.

He sounds like a fun uncle or something, not a father. He really should be doing his share (ie half) of cooking, cleaning, nappies, bedtimes, getting them dressed and ready for bed, baths, bedtimes, night wakings, not just swanning in and having fun.

Honestly, if you limited what you do with the children to what he does, would you say you were a hands on and involved parent?

Having two young children is so demanding that he needs to step up. It'll help you cope better and it will help your little girl hugely.

Is your husband on paternity leave? He should definitely be doing bedtime and night waking with the eldest. Even if he's working; he needs to do more, you gave birth 4 days ago, you need so much rest and recovery.

Your eldest definitely sounds like she's pushing boundaries because of the arrival of new baby. Any attention is good attention right? She just wants you to focus on her, whether it's being shouted at or not.

It's much harder to do in practice but just kill with kindness. Lots of cuddles and reassurance (I'm sure you're doing this already). Try to ignore the bad behaviour during the day (I know it's so hard) or just say "oh how silly..." and then pile on the praise when she is well behaved.

Good luck!

But OP has said she does not let OH do stuff, so he cannot be blamed when he does not do it!!!! She has to let him in.

@Mischance
She has also complained (justifiably) in the past about her doing everything - even getting him drinks. He doesn't even know what's in the food cupboards...

Yes, she needs to let him in, but it's also not a woman's job to ask a man to take care of his own child (and himself).

As I read it, he offered to help when 3 year old was kicking off and she said no.