My kids don't respect me

[Moomoo42]

I am sick of the way my kids complete lack respect for me. They are 6 and 8.

My own mum just shouted at us until we did what we were told and didn't even see the point in arguing. I made a conscious decision when I had kids I didn't want to be the shouty mum. DH is shouty and the kids do what he asks, when he asks.

I ask my kids not to do things and they laugh in my face, waiting to do it again right in front of me. I ask them to do things and they completely ignore me. I had to ask them a question five times last night before anyone actually acknowledged I was speaking.

Today we had a nice fun day. They had a bath together and were fighting in the bath. Asked to stop, it carried on. Asked to stop and said their time to watch TV would be removed. They still carried on!!! 6YO is a cheeky little git and says 'It's ok if we don't have the telly, we can just have have tablet'

They are now in bed crying saying I'm the worst mum ever because I wouldn't let them have their TV before bed. Neither of them has apologised to me, I should add. I do absolutely everything for them. 6YO tells me I'm not the boss, dad is the boss. I'm honestly feeling so fed up, I want to disappear off and leave them with dad and see how they bloody like it.

I'm just venting. But I am so fed up with with their attitude towards me. I try to be a kind and fair mum and feel like I am just a door mat with two ignorant little gits.

You can be firm without shouting. And don't be shy of being calmly using physical intervention. I used to be bewildered by parents who would tell their smaller kids to do/not do something over and over again, without physically stopping them. So "don't touch that vase. DON'T TOUCH THAT VASE" x 10, without actually moving two metres and taking the child away from the vase.

So if your six-year-old is hitting, don't just say "stop hitting" actually hold his arm while you say it, so he can't.

Letting DCs have some say in the matter ?
Well yes but you have 40 years experiencing real life - maybe you just know best.

OP, that sounds so disheartening! 🌷
Don’t despair. They are still young and there is time to change things around, but don’t wait until they are teenagers.
My advice: as they appear to respect DH, talk to him frankly about what is going on. You both need to be on the same page at all times, he mustn’t undermine you in front of the children.
Maybe he could back off for a couple of weeks and allow you to take the reigns so that the kids can see that you are as important.

You don't need to shout but you can have an authoritative tone. Stop asking and start telling as well. Don't ask them to stop fighting, tell them, "Stop fighting this minute or you will lose TV time" Then follow through. I would have replied to 6yo, you lose the tablet as well for being disrespectful.

Watch SuperNanny. She’s a bit twee, but her methods can be quite sound.

@hiredandsqueak

You don't need to shout but you can have an authoritative tone. Stop asking and start telling as well. Don't ask them to stop fighting, tell them, "Stop fighting this minute or you will lose TV time" Then follow through. I would have replied to 6yo, you lose the tablet as well for being disrespectful.

This. Also, refer to "screen time" rather than specifying tablet/tv/phone. And don't accept them saying the Dad is the boss. Clarify that he isn't, and that adults are in charge of the children . Dad needs to back you up on this explicitly. You don't have to get them to agree with everything, they don't need to agree your decisions, they just need to accept them as final. Stick to your guns, don't accept rude behaviour and just in case you are doing this, don't act like their servant. Apparently when training puppies, you have to show them who's the leader of the pack by eating before them, and having them wait while you do what's convenient for you. I think children are similar to puppies in some ways- you need to establish your authority and your right to respectful behaviour - you are the person that pays the piper to play the tune, not vice versa. You can do this, but it will help if you have back up from DH to stay consistent.

Honestly with my teacher head on - if you're too nice kids will just run rings around you. It's unfortunate but they sense weakness 🙄

Don't let them wind you up & don't let on you're remotely bothered.

Just give them as few choices as possible.

I don't shout at my kids & they are pretty good. I don't think shouting = strict. I think if possibly makes things more stressful.

You just need to be less bothered by what their reaction is. You're not their friend & they need a parent with rules & boundaries.

They are now in bed crying saying I'm the worst mum ever because I wouldn't let them have their TV before bed.

Sound like good parenting to me 🤷‍♀️ You gave a consequence and followed through. From what you’re saying that’s not what always happens though. Them thinking they would just get the iPad is very telling. I think you’re taking what they say and do to heart and as hard as I’m sure it may be, as the parent and adult you need to stand above it. Let them cry, let them smirk, let them call you a rubbish mum - you know that actually you’re their mum and the most important person in their life, that’s the reality and so water off a ducks back I say. Stick to your guns - clear consequences, no shouting needed, and you’ll get there.

I would have replied to 6yo, you lose the tablet as well for being disrespectful.

This too. Disrespectful attitude also warrants a warning and consequence if ignored.

10 Days to a Less Defiant Child is a good book. My DC's problem behaviour comes mostly from anxiety and the more authoritatian I got, the worse it made things.

If you have issues stemming back to your own childhood, it's definitely worth reflecting a bit.

But with fighting over baths and devices, separate baths and taking the device away is fair enough and if they say they hate you...you just say well that's a shame as I LOVE you, with a big smile.

That is why your children are naughty are they naughty at school, around family friends, relatives? If the answer is no I can confidently say you are fine. Children play up with the person they feel safest with.

Yes this is what some parents still tell themselves so they feel better about their children’s disrespect towards them Yes people, not just children, act up in front of their nearest and dearest in ways they wouldn’t at school or at work - but not so much so that it makes family life difficult. Your kids extreme tantrums, disrespectful attitude and in some cases swearing at you and physically assaulting you is not a complement to you of how very safe they feel.
OP you willing to change things makes you a stronger parent than anyone who spouts that kind of delusional pseudo psychology.
Or do kids who respect their parents not feel safe? Kids who behave at school don’t feel safe at school?

I will never forget the time my grandchildren were fighting in the back seat of the car when DH was in a gas (petrol) station asking for directions to a trout farm where we were going to take them fishing.

I finally confiscated the toy they were fighting over. They went quiet until granddaughter, who I think was about 4 or 5 pretended to read from her book, "Once upon the time there was a mean Grandma. A very very mean grandma...".

It was very difficult not to burst out laughing, but rather maintain the gravity of the toy confiscation consequence.

You can do this OP. Parenting is not a popularity contest. Set limits and stick to them. Tell them the consequences and follow through.

You are doing great.

Behaving at school but letting it out at home is a common response to not feeling safe at school, yes.

Trying to shame people for not being tough enough is not particularly supportive, especially when the OP describes growing up with a dictatorial shouty mother.

There are ways of having authority without being the "boss" or having to win at all costs.

@Phineyj

Behaving at school but letting it out at home is a common response to not feeling safe at school, yes.

Trying to shame people for not being tough enough is not particularly supportive, especially when the OP describes growing up with a dictatorial shouty mother.

There are ways of having authority without being the "boss" or having to win at all costs.

Indeed.

There are ways of having authority without being the "boss" or having to win at all costs.

I completely agree. But I also don’t know how it’s helpful to suggest the OP is doing completely fine when she knows herself she isn’t, she sounds like she’s quite unhappy and struggling. Implying that she should accept her children’s hurtful behaviour which is getting her down because apparently it’s a testament to how safe her kids feel is no better than others shaming her for not having enough authority - it’s just two very unhelpful extremes. Be a door mat or be a family dictator when there’s obviously a very sensible middle route she could follow.

When my 6 year tells me he hates me. Just respond with

Great, that means I am doing a great job as a mammy.

Mammy's are not meant to be liked all the time. No one likes boundaries or hearing the word no

I’m not suggesting she just accepts it, pink, but the thing that seemed to be making the OP most unhappy to me was a fundamental belief that she was doing a terrible job, and I don’t think that’s true.

I’ve worked with children all my life, and I’ve lost count of the number of delightful well behaved children I’ve known who apparently are not like that at home.

I don’t think it hurts to read around, and I’ve suggested the OP does that, but I honestly don’t feel she’s doing as bad a job as she thinks.