My kids don't respect me

[Moomoo42]

I am sick of the way my kids complete lack respect for me. They are 6 and 8.

My own mum just shouted at us until we did what we were told and didn't even see the point in arguing. I made a conscious decision when I had kids I didn't want to be the shouty mum. DH is shouty and the kids do what he asks, when he asks.

I ask my kids not to do things and they laugh in my face, waiting to do it again right in front of me. I ask them to do things and they completely ignore me. I had to ask them a question five times last night before anyone actually acknowledged I was speaking.

Today we had a nice fun day. They had a bath together and were fighting in the bath. Asked to stop, it carried on. Asked to stop and said their time to watch TV would be removed. They still carried on!!! 6YO is a cheeky little git and says 'It's ok if we don't have the telly, we can just have have tablet'

They are now in bed crying saying I'm the worst mum ever because I wouldn't let them have their TV before bed. Neither of them has apologised to me, I should add. I do absolutely everything for them. 6YO tells me I'm not the boss, dad is the boss. I'm honestly feeling so fed up, I want to disappear off and leave them with dad and see how they bloody like it.

I'm just venting. But I am so fed up with with their attitude towards me. I try to be a kind and fair mum and feel like I am just a door mat with two ignorant little gits.

What happens when you say no? I would have drained the water. Taken the younger one out. I am quite a strict mum though. I don’t negotiate with small children constantly. It is draining for me and I am not sure it’s helpful for them. They do know I am serious about consequences so it rarely extends to the shouting stage. If I say no, they know I mean no. (They still push buttons all the time but they know my limit).

i wouldn't be asking what they wanted. I'd be telling them what they were having and any choice they will have comes when they start behaving.

No. They don't spend all day glued to screens believe it or not. They were playing.

I was trying to be helpful. Working out what their attention was on. If you're going to be defensive, when I actually said your approach was right earlier, I won't bother.

FWIW my DD has attention issues and uses screens so I have some tips. Which won't bother sharing.

So then what happened? Did he stop hitting? What were the consequences?

I would say: how dare you in a very cold voice and impose an immediate consequence (confiscate a toy, remove a treat). We have a VERY strict no hitting rule in this house. I have a 9 and a 4 year old. Neither would dare to hit each other or anyone because all hell will break loose if they do.

And yes you have to be strict. Also he’s 6. It’s not too late to start. But you have to want to change. You can’t say ‘I am going to be strict because strangers on MN told me to.’ You have to think about what kind of parent you want to be and what would achieve that (realistically).
I have no wish to be their friend. I make that very clear. I am their parent and it is my job to set those guidelines.

I would NEVER hit a child but I do agree with some things in ‘French Children Don’t Throw Food’. I find Janet Lansbury helpful.

I disagree with what other PP are saying - I don't think you have to be strict and authoritarian to garner respect.

You do have to be firm and consistent, and your consequences have to be appropriate. If the authoritarian approach doesn't work for you I'd recommend the gentle parenting book by Sarah Ockwell Smith. I like it because it suits my natural personality and how I feel like I would want to be spoken to - possibly because, like you, I hated the way I was spoken to as a child and have a very poor relationship with my parents as an adult.

Give them a real immediate consequence if they don't do what you ask them.

Ask them who is the boss- and reply yourself "me!" Get your DH to repeat that too.

Calm and cross is better than shouting.

Leverage that's what you need. What is important to them, then take it alway/ threaten to. Then FOLLOW through. Calmly. They will remember and realise you really are the boss.

You need to crack down. Starts tomorrow. You can do this

It's not you, OP, they can be wee fuckers at that age.
You need to "go higher".
Smirking at you? Acknowledge that you know he is smirking at you. Tell him you can't stop it and you don't like it, because it makes him look mean.
A bit of rudeness and similar to "how dare you!" upthread but with room for the wee fucker to back down from without losing face: "excuse me please?" Quite firm but with a kind and confused expression.
If they up the ante, tell them "we don't talk to each other like that!"
Show them way with steely stern politeness.
You can lift the instigator of the fighting (or perceived instigator, but it doesn't matter who because you don't need to go down that road) out of the bath or pull the plug out on them.
They'll cry, but they are less likely to fuck about next time and be a rude little 'erb.
I bit more "I don't care, but this will happen, or this might, so you choose the outcome".

If they fighting remove one of them

Read
How to talk so kids will listen

Sounds like my 6 year old, he is a rude little monkey and does nothing I ask ..!! I'm hoping it's a phase

@Moomoo42

I am beginning to feel really shit about my parenting TBH.

Before this turns into the pile on I kind of hoped it wouldn't turn into, would anyone be kind enough to point me to some resources like books or websites, that would be helpful.

This sounds like a tough time. I think your instinct not to shout is a good one; there are far better parenting tools. Instead of going even harder with punishments and consequences for them like others are suggesting, have you considered any gentle parenting resources. Books like How To Talk So Kids Will Listen or if fighting is a constant problem then their other book Siblings Without Rivalry could be good. Janet Lansbury has a good website and podcast which are free, and Aha Parenting is another good website with lots of advice for any number of specific situations.

Child A is hitting child B's leg. You tell him to stop. He smirks at you.

You say 'stop smirking, you are being rude', whilst at the same time physically lifting either or them away and putting them down further away. (This only works whilst they are small enough to lift - if they are too big or you prefer not to intervene physically, then tell whichever one is most likely to comply to move - the aim is to separate them).
If child A straight away attempts to approach or hit B again, give an immediate sanction.
However, if child A just protests verbally (without being drastically rude), feel free to walk away, maybe encouraging child B to come with you to do an activity or small job together.
One thing I learnt in formal child behaviour training is that sometimes you can ignore the verbal protests as long as you are getting the behaviour or action you want from the child. But don't ignore overt rudeness directed at you.
It is exhausting, but you need to keep going, day after day, or it will only get worse.
And remember to be as 'fun' as possible for as much time as you can possibly find - good attention from you will drive out bad attention-seeking and provocative behaviour.
Being 'fun' and giving them attention is just as exhausting, but it is more bearable.
If they say 'Dad is the boss', engage with this, ask them why they think that, why isn't Mum the boss, etc. Pick apart their thinking (in a nice way), as it might help you understand them and help them see why they are wrong.
I hope this helps.

@Moomoo42

I am beginning to feel really shit about my parenting TBH.

Before this turns into the pile on I kind of hoped it wouldn't turn into, would anyone be kind enough to point me to some resources like books or websites, that would be helpful.

123 magic it’s on Amazon. Very helpful for your children’s ages in particular.

How to talk so little kids will listen is a good book.

Consequence should be immediate and preferably natural. Eg You asked once and they ignore so you say. Eric I’m asking you a question - fish fingers or chicken nuggets. If you don’t answer I will decide. Messing around in the bath after been warned they immediately pull the plug.

I said 'Stop hitting your brother's leg' to be specific Too many words. Something along the lines of "STOP THAT, NOW!" might have been better.

Don’t repeatedly ask what they want for dinner, decide yourself and give it to them. If they don’t eat it they get nothing.

I loved Calmer, Happier, Easier parenting. A book.

It had several clear techniques to use, and from memory I think it suggests you approach your children and stand there silently until they acknowledge you so you're talking to them when you have their attention. And I think it says to not repeat the question as you're sending the message they don't have to listen to you the first time, you'll just keep going until they do listen. But my memory of the book isn't perfect, it's definitely a helpful book (and I didn't feel judged by reading it either)

You’re doing a great job OP.

Carry on offering choices, giving fair consequences and not shouting. You’re brilliant. By all means read around but you are actually doing all the right things.

That is why your children are naughty are they naughty at school, around family friends, relatives? If the answer is no I can confidently say you are fine. Children play up with the person they feel safest with.

Sounds like kids being kids and like the above poster just said... They're just playing their mom up because you're their mom and their showing off in front of each other lol I wouldn't take too much notice that they disrespect you at that age. Would they even understand the context of doing that to you?
They're just pushing your buttons mom. They'll grow out of it I'm sure. My LO is only 2 months so I have all this to come.. yay :-/
But I've seen it with my nieces and they're older now and much better and grown up

@Moomoo42

I just want to agree with other posters about How To Talk So Kids Will Listen.

Admittedly I’m currently reading the one for younger kids as my daughter is only 2.5 but some of the tips are working absolute wonders for her already. Honestly life changing. Assuming it’s a similar ethos then it sounds like it will be a perfect match for you and your parenting style.

And another fab of 'magic 123' book. Really really good for us when our only was getting a bit bratty.
It's difficult when you are the only one they hear say 'no'

But stick with it. A grumpy 8 yo is waaay better than a spoilt entitled teenager

@Moomoo42

I am beginning to feel really shit about my parenting TBH.

Before this turns into the pile on I kind of hoped it wouldn't turn into, would anyone be kind enough to point me to some resources like books or websites, that would be helpful.

@Moomoo42you don't need books /websites. You need a backbone. Children aren't adults. When they're older you can start offering options/reasoning when appropriate. At this young age they need simple, strict, discipline, as other posters have outlined. Because you're being so weak, all that's happening at the moment is that your kids are learning they can tune out women's voices and women garner less respect than men.

Hey @Moomoo42

Couldn't read and run! I don't have advice as my little one is only 11 months but I can see from some of the replies you haven't got what you hoped for out of it.

Parenting is bloody hard and you're doing a great job even if you don't feel like you are! Kids are awful when they want to be and they know how to upset us mamas.

Maybe see if your husband can provide some extra support? Like when you tell them not to do something, and they don't listen your husband could then tell them 'listen to what mummy says. Or apologise to mummy for your behaviour'

It's so hard isn't it because we want to be kind loving parents but sometimes they don't make it easy.

Keep going mama you got this 🤍

Oh and also, remember that you are their safe place so you will see the WORST of their behaviour because everyone else gets their best.

It's only because they love you that they will show you that

@SolarDay

"You're not the boss, Dad is the boss" ...

Does your H disrespect you in any way in front of the DC? That's my immediate thought, that there's something more to your DC's behaviours.

This