My kids don't respect me

[Moomoo42]

I am sick of the way my kids complete lack respect for me. They are 6 and 8.

My own mum just shouted at us until we did what we were told and didn't even see the point in arguing. I made a conscious decision when I had kids I didn't want to be the shouty mum. DH is shouty and the kids do what he asks, when he asks.

I ask my kids not to do things and they laugh in my face, waiting to do it again right in front of me. I ask them to do things and they completely ignore me. I had to ask them a question five times last night before anyone actually acknowledged I was speaking.

Today we had a nice fun day. They had a bath together and were fighting in the bath. Asked to stop, it carried on. Asked to stop and said their time to watch TV would be removed. They still carried on!!! 6YO is a cheeky little git and says 'It's ok if we don't have the telly, we can just have have tablet'

They are now in bed crying saying I'm the worst mum ever because I wouldn't let them have their TV before bed. Neither of them has apologised to me, I should add. I do absolutely everything for them. 6YO tells me I'm not the boss, dad is the boss. I'm honestly feeling so fed up, I want to disappear off and leave them with dad and see how they bloody like it.

I'm just venting. But I am so fed up with with their attitude towards me. I try to be a kind and fair mum and feel like I am just a door mat with two ignorant little gits.

Do you enforce consequences? Follow through with them?

I have a 4 year old who is similar. Everything is a battle right now and I hate shouting too. I don't really have any advice, only solidarity

You don't have to shout. What you're doing works in the long term. Swift, immediate consequences that they remember. Don't waiver, don't change your mind. With a calm voice.

It's shit isn't it 💐

@Dalmationcoat

Do you enforce consequences? Follow through with them?

Yes. They still ignore me. Then moan that I am the big bad mean mum.

It's not even when I ask them to do something or not to do something. If I asked them would you like fish or chicken for tea, I would have to ask 5 times to get some form of acknowledgement.

If I asked them would you like fish or chicken for tea, I would have to ask 5 times to get some form of acknowledgement.

I'd ask a maximum of 2 times and then make the choice myself. Reduce the number of opportunities for them to ignore you.

I shouted sometimes but mostly it was down to tone voice and following through with the consequences regardless of whether they were inconvenient or not.

There in lies your problem. Don't offer them anything, just present what YOU think they should have.

Children are awful at times. They just KNOW which buttons to push. Come on Mum, you can do this. Just lay down the law and ignore all their protests.

@Gatehouse77

If I asked them would you like fish or chicken for tea, I would have to ask 5 times to get some form of acknowledgement.

I'd ask a maximum of 2 times and then make the choice myself. Reduce the number of opportunities for them to ignore you.

I shouted sometimes but mostly it was down to tone voice and following through with the consequences regardless of whether they were inconvenient or not.

I had already mentally made my choice at 2, but was that bloody pissed off with being ignored, that I kept asking at increasingly louder volumes to see how long it took them.

You need to not give a shit what they think you aren’t there to be their friend.

Make the consequences real, fighting in the bath - remove them
Arguing over the TV switch it off
Fighting over toys remove them
Don’t give them choices for tea - take it or leave it approach works best.

Choice just creates issues with some children because one choice will always be wrong .

"You're not the boss, Dad is the boss" ...

Does your H disrespect you in any way in front of the DC? That's my immediate thought, that there's something more to your DC's behaviours.

@Unreasonabubble

There in lies your problem. Don't offer them anything, just present what YOU think they should have.

Children are awful at times. They just KNOW which buttons to push. Come on Mum, you can do this. Just lay down the law and ignore all their protests.

The problem I have with that is that my mum was very controlling over every aspect of my life and it does still have a negative impact on my life now and I'm 41!

I always try to offer them some kind of say in the decisions that they can have a say in, but limit it to two options. There are the things I will not negotiate on though.

Stop giving them so many opportunities to ignore you. Ask once then issue a warning, if that’s ignored the consequence follows.

And stop giving options over meals. If you must offer then make sure you only say it once, after that they’ve lost the choice.

You are talking way too much, they’ve stopped listening or caring because it’s just background noise.

What were they doing when they were ignoring you? Screens?

Sorry @Moomoo42 YOU are the problem. Honestly, children would rather have a very strict routine and parental guidance. They don't know where they are otherwise.

I too had the most strictive of upbringings. I vowed never to be the same with my children. It does not work.

There is a fine line between being their friend and being their guiding force. You will/do have to be more forceful. I promise you, they will not end up hating you.

@SolarDay

"You're not the boss, Dad is the boss" ...

Does your H disrespect you in any way in front of the DC? That's my immediate thought, that there's something more to your DC's behaviours.

No. We do have different approaches. Due to our working patterns, DH will get them ready for school on certain days and do the morning one way. When I get them ready, we do it another way because that suits me. Stuff like that.

DH is definitely more 'fun' and adventurous with them. I am more practical and sensible.

If you ask them if they want chicken or fish for tea you get no acknowledgement?

Well... my mum gave me one golden bit of parenting advice (she was a life long teacher so knows how to manage kids, it was thus:

Tell, don’t ask.

You tell a child it’s chicken for tea.

You tell a child it’s bath time now

You tell them things, you don’t ask them things. They will let you know what they want anyway . They might say “boohoo I wanted fish”. You can then tell them “tomorrow we are having fish. Today it’s chicken”

You can be firm without shouting. I am not a shouty mum, but neither am I a people pleaser Are you normally a bit of a people pleaser do you think?

@MrsTerryPratchett

What were they doing when they were ignoring you? Screens?

No. They don't spend all day glued to screens believe it or not. They were playing.

I am old, and can't imagine feeling helpless in the face of a 6 year old. I appreciate that's irritating - but you say you asked them to stop fighting and they ignored you. You don't ask a 6 year old to do something - you tell them very clearly they are to stop immediately and there are consequences for rudeness or refusal to do as they are told. You are the adult in this relationship and you must ensure that your children don't think it's optional as to whether or not they follow your rules.

What would happen if you said in a very cold, calm voice How DARE you speak to me, or any adult in that way?

You need to re-set their behaviour. They are pulled up every single time they ignore you or disobey you.

If you don't then you're in for a hellish time through their teenage years.

If you start strict and they become more compliant, you can then reintroduce choices as they get older, maybe not chose dinner but choose pudding, they earn that choice by doing their chores

They do this in school.

They then feel rewarded rather than things just being given. By just giving it to them they haven’t earnt it and it becomes valueless.

^ This.
Stop asking, start
Telling them. No choices. That's not abusive, it's called fitting in with your family, which is not unhealthy in any way.
It will be a lot better for your mental health too, and will quietly establish that you are in charge.

@Unreasonabubble

Sorry *@Moomoo42* YOU are the problem. Honestly, children would rather have a very strict routine and parental guidance. They don't know where they are otherwise.

I too had the most strictive of upbringings. I vowed never to be the same with my children. It does not work.

There is a fine line between being their friend and being their guiding force. You will/do have to be more forceful. I promise you, they will not end up hating you.

It's funny you say that because I do actually have a very troubled relationship with my own parents for my own upbringing.

You don’t need to shout, a very quiet but serious tone of voice can be much more effective. And yes, you’re doing too much asking.

@MadMadMadamMim

I am old, and can't imagine feeling helpless in the face of a 6 year old. I appreciate that's irritating - but you say you asked them to stop fighting and they ignored you. You don't ask a 6 year old to do something - you tell them very clearly they are to stop immediately and there are consequences for rudeness or refusal to do as they are told. You are the adult in this relationship and you must ensure that your children don't think it's optional as to whether or not they follow your rules.

What would happen if you said in a very cold, calm voice How DARE you speak to me, or any adult in that way?

You need to re-set their behaviour. They are pulled up every single time they ignore you or disobey you.

If you don't then you're in for a hellish time through their teenage years.

I said 'Stop hitting your brother's leg' to be specific.

And I did say that to the 6YO. He smirked at me.

I am beginning to feel really shit about my parenting TBH.

Before this turns into the pile on I kind of hoped it wouldn't turn into, would anyone be kind enough to point me to some resources like books or websites, that would be helpful.