Am I normal? Nursery guilt

[waveajay]

Does anyone else feel like this?

I feel bad that I don't mind that my kids are in nursery. I work from home and due to the 30 hours childcare, we can finally afford childcare and I can work (for money).

Mil said the other day that she is sure that I miss them when they're in nursery but I don't 🙈.

I really enjoy working again. Being a sahm was the hardest thing we've ever done as a family. Especially in lockdown. I feel I can breathe a little.

You are so normal! Has your MIL ever commented in that vein to your husband? Presumably not. Men swan off back to work FT when the baby is only a few weeks old and no one ever gives them guilt trip over it. The patriarchy in action.

You're not alone at all. I loved it when they were in nursery as I knew they were well looked after and having fun doing loads of messy stuff while I was working and enjoying what I do.

How many hours are your DC in nursery? I’d struggle with FT Monday - Friday, though I appreciate many parents don’t do that by choice but necessity (and if they do do it by choice it’s entirely their choice to make) BUT I think there is so much to be gained from nursery that a few days a week is really beneficial to them.

2 full days.

I love my DS going to nursery! He currently goes 2 days a week, but will go 3 days once the free hours kick in in January. He lives it too, playing with other kids, they do loads more messy play and crafts than we do at home too!

DH and I both have a day off next week where DS is in nursery, we're going out for lunch and just going to faff around, it'll be great!

I have a day planned with my dh soon too! I can't wait! Mil was like, you are so lucky etc. I bet you miss them. Etc. I was like, is there something wrong with me for wanting to work elsewhere?

Love a nursery day and I’m home on Mat leave!

Of course you're normal. The internalised misogyny of our parents generation can't be underestimated - making women feel like we must be nothing but housewives is pretty fucked up when you think about it.

2 days- yes you should enjoy every second, working or not!

I work in a nusery and do think most parents are more likely to miss a younger child than an older one.

I miss my DS, but I don’t regret sending him. He loves it and there’s so much to be gained. It would be more selfish to keep him at home to fulfil my own desire to have him close by.

Absolutely nothing wrong with you. SATP is the hardest job there is. It’s lovely that they get their time in nursery playing and learning social skills and you get some time off parenting. Also keeping others in employment that work in the nursery. Win win win !

It's actually put me off having any other kids, knowing if I had twins again I wouldn't be able to afford childcare. No chance I'm staying at home that long again.

I've never felt any guilt about us using nursery and mine started at 9 and 11 months. It's fantastic being able to work and having time to ourselves.

I love my DD and I look forward to picking her up but I am glad that she goes to nursery! 24/7 is bloody hard

@Lalliebelle

You are so normal! Has your MIL ever commented in that vein to your husband? Presumably not. Men swan off back to work FT when the baby is only a few weeks old and no one ever gives them guilt trip over it. The patriarchy in action.

'Swan off' is a bit unfair. It's hardly like they have a choice :)

God no, you are not weird at all!

My eldest goes 3 full days & my youngest 2 full days & 1 day at my parents.. I don’t really miss them 🙈 I mean, I look forward to seeing them & it’s a delight to have that big post nursery hug & I really enjoy bath/bed time with them post nursery .. but the 8 hours I WFH in silent, tidy house is a joy quite frankly 😂 I need that time so badly, I need time to be me, time to think, time to recharge. I’m a much better parent for it.

Some people are cut out to be a 24/7 parent. Some need a break. It’s OK to want time apart from your kids, there is no-one I could spend all my time with. I’m somewhat of an introvert who needs time alone sometimes! Being a mum doesn’t change that 🤷🏼‍♀️

My 3 year old recently started 2 days at pre school, not full days and I was looking forward to it because none of my children were in nursery or pre school prior to school, but I was telling my partner today just how much I dislike the days he's there, I miss him and find I've lost my purpose. I run by business from home and it fits around children so don't necessarily need the child care but know that my 3 year old needed the time with other children and doing more.

I'm the only person I know that feels this way though so think you're entirely normal!

I think I'm questioning myself because mil was sure that I missed them when they were not with me and that when they went for a walk together people were cooing and asking if they were twins etc. She said we were lucky and that they were adorable. Which I agree with - they are adorable but they are hard work sometimes as we all know all kids are.

Mil is quite traditional and thinks the woman should do all the caring etc.

I love my kids and I would die for them but doing all the caring constantly - not splitting the load with my dh and being happy about it is a lie. My dh is supportive - he doesn't want me to become a traditional wife/mother.

@waveajay
Personally, I find this really sad. Sad that you don't want to be the primary caregiver and expect to split everything, as though children can ve carved up. Sad that you see that sahp time as a negative and not a blessing and positive. It always makes me wonder why people have these children that are clearly an inconvenience for their "pre child" lives to be able to continue.
I agree with MIL fully and find it sad that mothers don't miss their children and have effectively forced their children into a setting before compulsory education and elongated their time, as well as chosen to give away that precious time to others.
I wonder whether when on our death beds you'll be thinking how glad you were that you worked for so many years and hours or whether you'll be reflecting that you wished those minutes had been spent with those who should truly matter. Consider if that death bed came tomorrow....

Many won't like this, assuming they have another 40,50 years, but sadly many won't make it remotely as long...

Do you have kids @BusyLizzie61 ? 😂

[quote BusyLizzie61]@waveajay
Personally, I find this really sad. Sad that you don't want to be the primary caregiver and expect to split everything, as though children can ve carved up. Sad that you see that sahp time as a negative and not a blessing and positive. It always makes me wonder why people have these children that are clearly an inconvenience for their "pre child" lives to be able to continue.
I agree with MIL fully and find it sad that mothers don't miss their children and have effectively forced their children into a setting before compulsory education and elongated their time, as well as chosen to give away that precious time to others.
I wonder whether when on our death beds you'll be thinking how glad you were that you worked for so many years and hours or whether you'll be reflecting that you wished those minutes had been spent with those who should truly matter. Consider if that death bed came tomorrow....

Many won't like this, assuming they have another 40,50 years, but sadly many won't make it remotely as long...[/quote]
Guess unfortunately so many mothers are human and we can only take so much cleaning up, telling off and 24/7 play that we require a break.
If lockdowns taught us anything it’s that regardless of how much I love my closest family, 24/7 with anyone is too much.
We also do more with our children nowadays than mothers did decades ago when they left their babies in prams, whilst modern mums schlep to sensory classes. So I would argue quality over quantity.
Also my LO loves nursery, it’s been hugely beneficial getting her ready for school as a summer born baby.

Also, I used to think like you @BusyLizzie61 - before I had kids.

They're doing 2 full days in nursery? And presumably 5 full days with you? Sounds perfect to me. It's not like you've sent them off to boarding school already and will only see them for the long summer holiday!

[quote BusyLizzie61]@waveajay
Personally, I find this really sad. Sad that you don't want to be the primary caregiver and expect to split everything, as though children can ve carved up. Sad that you see that sahp time as a negative and not a blessing and positive. It always makes me wonder why people have these children that are clearly an inconvenience for their "pre child" lives to be able to continue.
I agree with MIL fully and find it sad that mothers don't miss their children and have effectively forced their children into a setting before compulsory education and elongated their time, as well as chosen to give away that precious time to others.
I wonder whether when on our death beds you'll be thinking how glad you were that you worked for so many years and hours or whether you'll be reflecting that you wished those minutes had been spent with those who should truly matter. Consider if that death bed came tomorrow....

Many won't like this, assuming they have another 40,50 years, but sadly many won't make it remotely as long...[/quote]
🙄