Am I normal? Nursery guilt

[waveajay]

Does anyone else feel like this?

I feel bad that I don't mind that my kids are in nursery. I work from home and due to the 30 hours childcare, we can finally afford childcare and I can work (for money).

Mil said the other day that she is sure that I miss them when they're in nursery but I don't 🙈.

I really enjoy working again. Being a sahm was the hardest thing we've ever done as a family. Especially in lockdown. I feel I can breathe a little.

[quote BusyLizzie61]**@waveajay
Personally, I find this really sad. Sad that you don't want to be the primary caregiver and expect to split everything, as though children can ve carved up. Sad that you see that sahp time as a negative and not a blessing and positive. It always makes me wonder why people have these children that are clearly an inconvenience for their "pre child" lives to be able to continue.
I agree with MIL fully and find it sad that mothers don't miss their children and have effectively forced their children into a setting before compulsory education and elongated their time, as well as chosen to give away that precious time to others.
I wonder whether when on our death beds you'll be thinking how glad you were that you worked for so many years and hours or whether you'll be reflecting that you wished those minutes had been spent with those who should truly matter. Consider if that death bed came tomorrow....

Many won't like this, assuming they have another 40,50 years, but sadly many won't make it remotely as long...[/quote]
I thought a little like this before I had kids in private. I thought I’d have endless patience, attend to their every whim immediately and have plenty of time to exercise and have a tidy home.

Since having my twins, I realise just how wrong I was. Luckily I can’t remember my pre child life much (other than amazing holidays and plenty of cash) but I’m not the mother I’d imagined I’d be. Turns out I did not magically gain unlimited patience upon giving birth.

@waveajay I don’t feel bad that I don’t mind my kids being in nursery. I don’t miss them (it does feel odd sometimes as the silence normally means they’re unleashing hell somewhere out of sight) but they’re happy going and I’m happy too. I feel bad for the nursery staff that have them 😂

I thought like that in private too. I've come to realise that complaining about how hard it is to raise kids or parent is taboo.

I don't get why it is sad if you're happy? 🙈

No, you’re not abnormal.

I now take my hat off to any SAHP because, that is hard, really hard.

It’s nothing to do with children being negative, or changing life in a bad way, I love DS1 dearly and still cuddle him whilst we sleep every night (he’s only 11.5m not like 24😂). That doesn’t mean I can’t be honest and say I struggle being parent 100% of the time, I need things in my life like work/study that are separate. DP is exactly the same.

We need alone time each day, to recharge mentally, we’re both introverted and we understand what is needed to be the best versions of ‘us’ so provide that for each other too.

What ever works for you may not work for anyone else, it doesn’t really matter.

At the minute DC does 3 days at nursery and one with MIL but when they both go after my next maternity leave they’ll be going 2 days a week then one with MIL and me and DP will be doing a 4 day week each. To be honest we both would rather work less when they’re older and at school, so we’ll both do a 9-3 or something to maximise time as a family. That maybe not be viable for another family and I don’t really care anymore, I used to be bothered by others’ comments but nah it’s not them living the life it’s you.

@waveajay

Also, I used to think like you *@BusyLizzie61* - before I had kids.

Yes I do. And I was a sahp until my child went to school for reception class. And I now work in school hours so again my child isn't in wraparound care.

Oh right . Good for you

BusyLizzie61 husband work full time?

Mine has been in full time nursery since she was 8 months old. I never cried sending her in or any of that stuff people talk about, it was a blessed relief from the relentless exhaustion of looking after a baby for 8 months with zero help and husband working around the clock.
I'm fine she's fine and I've totally given up giving a toss what other people think!

@Onedaysomedaynowadays true

I do find it quite unfair that the majority of people on this thread are raving about how they like the time their children at at nursery etc and when someone steps up and says that they don't and like the job of caring full time for their children and miss them when away they get suddenly belittled for that opinion because it's not in agreement.

I put my post in the nicest way possible but I agree with the poster who says they want to be the full time carer for their children and now work so they don't have the use wrap around care. I never wanted anyone else looking after my children and worked hard to create a business that meant I would always be there for them and they have never had to use wrap around care. I'm a single parent and don't have the luxury of someone else helping me at home. When my marriage broke down I realised the reality of the situation I could be in if I didn't pull my finger out and I want to be the main care giver of my children, I want to do all the "boring" menial tasks for them, school drop offs and pick ups everyday, I enjoy that as much as others probably enjoy the break.

@weegiepower

I do find it quite unfair that the majority of people on this thread are raving about how they like the time their children at at nursery etc and when someone steps up and says that they don't and like the job of caring full time for their children and miss them when away they get suddenly belittled for that opinion because it's not in agreement.

I put my post in the nicest way possible but I agree with the poster who says they want to be the full time carer for their children and now work so they don't have the use wrap around care. I never wanted anyone else looking after my children and worked hard to create a business that meant I would always be there for them and they have never had to use wrap around care. I'm a single parent and don't have the luxury of someone else helping me at home. When my marriage broke down I realised the reality of the situation I could be in if I didn't pull my finger out and I want to be the main care giver of my children, I want to do all the "boring" menial tasks for them, school drop offs and pick ups everyday, I enjoy that as much as others probably enjoy the break.

The issue is: the OP in question is the main carer for her child. Also the issue that a parent who spends more time away from their child than looking after them seems to only extend to women and not men. And finally if a parent, single or otherwise is able to raise a family on part time hours without paying for childcare then someone else is picking up the bill, whether it be their partner or the tax payer- that’s fine but you can’t then beat parents who pay for childcare with such a stick!

@OnlyFoolsnMothers I agree to a certain extent, but it's not always the case that someone is picking up the slack if a parent is staying at home, it's not the case in my case! And by that logic should people working who get free hours of child care not get those? Because then in those cases the tax payer is picking up the slack in the cost of their childcare, which presumably if someone working full time who is getting 30 hours free, if they were not then working for them if could possibly not be financially worth while. If I were to work in a job out the home and not for myself, it would not be financially worthwhile.

Although the financial sides are obviously valid points, the post really was about enjoying the time away from their child, which as someone who doesn't really enjoy that, I can completely appreciate people that do! I would never belittle their ability as a parent and understand everyone functions differently, what I was saying is that when someone steps up and says "I actually want to always be at home with and for my children and not use childcare" then people who are the opposite seem to have issue with that!

Who cares if you don't enjoy putting your child into nursery? And you weren't being nice saying that you find it kind of sad that I did enjoy them. It's a rhetorical question really. A bit like , "do I look fat in this?" You're not really asking for a "yes, I think you need to lose weight."

I've never missed mine when they were at nursery! They do things there that I can't replicate at home, have fun with friends and thoroughly enjoy themselves. My youngest wakes up every day asking if it's a nursery day and isn't happy when it's not! Actually going yo be sending DC3 for more hours in September, including 2 mornings when I'm not even working. I need some time to myself and DC will love bring there more.

Most mums I know also agree and enjoy the break from relentless baby and toddler demands!

[quote weegiepower]@OnlyFoolsnMothers I agree to a certain extent, but it's not always the case that someone is picking up the slack if a parent is staying at home, it's not the case in my case! And by that logic should people working who get free hours of child care not get those? Because then in those cases the tax payer is picking up the slack in the cost of their childcare, which presumably if someone working full time who is getting 30 hours free, if they were not then working for them if could possibly not be financially worth while. If I were to work in a job out the home and not for myself, it would not be financially worthwhile.

Although the financial sides are obviously valid points, the post really was about enjoying the time away from their child, which as someone who doesn't really enjoy that, I can completely appreciate people that do! I would never belittle their ability as a parent and understand everyone functions differently, what I was saying is that when someone steps up and says "I actually want to always be at home with and for my children and not use childcare" then people who are the opposite seem to have issue with that![/quote]
People are fully entitled to enjoy being at home with their child- what I think the issue is the assumption that enjoying downtime means you don’t love being with your child more than anything. But there’s lots of things I love to do that don’t require me to do them 24/7 to validate my love. It’s a few hours to decompress and refocus yourself as a parent

@waveajay I wasn't the one that said I find it sad that you enjoy it, that's not what I think at all! I think that's perfectly normal to enjoy time to decompress and reset because it's tough being around children at all time! I was just saying some people don't feel the same and the person that said that seemed to be vilified for it

@OnlyFoolsnMothers

BusyLizzie61 husband work full time?

No. Lone parent. No other parent on the scene.

Oh sorry @weegiepower

I work shifts so 3-4 days a week and I regularly arrange for him to be in nursery when its my day off and work the weekend instead when his Dad is at home. No guilt WHATSOEVER

@weegiepower the poster in question was “vilified” because of the horrible patronising way they said it-“oh how sad, why would you even have kids if you feel that way, etc etc”

Perfectly reasonable to miss your kids and not want to put them in childcare, but rather horrible to imply that people who feel differently shouldn’t have become parents!

I've never felt guilty and my three have been in full-time childcare since they were 6 months old. I won't regret it on my death bed but I will be proud I've raised three well adjusted, confident children and had a good career. I love my time with my kids, of course, but being a mother is not 'everything' to me.

@weegiepower it wasn’t the disagreement that caused a reaction I don’t think, it’s was more the comments. You disagreed and I thought your post was lovey and how much you’ve adjusted life to suit what you like best. I think that’s probably what OP was looking for, along with the ones in agreement.

That’s not what the other disagreeing post said though.. they actually just think it’s sad that a woman should have a child and not want to be glued to them 24/7, which on it’s own is incredibly sexist. Aside from the fact that as intelligent humans we should be able to extend some understanding to someone who chooses a different path, without taking pity.

I would miss my little ones if they were in full time childcare. My one year old goes to nursery three mornings a week and for me that is the perfect amount. I still get to spend lots of time with her but I also get a break. I don’t miss her when I am away from her, I know she enjoying herself at nursery.

@BusyLizzie61 very few single parents can afford to do what you did without relying on benefits so you do seem pretty judgemental there.