Finances in a step family when one parent has children and the other doesn't

[californiadreamer]

Hi
I'm interested in what you all think.

Scenario:
Two adults, one teenager in one house. Adults are in a relationship together but not married. Teenager is the child of one of the adults.

Both adults earn roughly the same income. The adult with the teenager receives maintenance from ex that is paid into the joint account to cover half of costs of food, bills, uniform etc.

Should the adult with the teenager also contribute proportionally more to the rent and bills as well? The teenager is dependent (at school and not working). The adults are in a loving relationship - but there is some discussion over whether one adult "should pay for the child" of the other.

Thank you

No they should not contribute more to the rent. The child is still dependent on them...not like an adult. When the teen is finished in education then working, they can contribute themselves.

I’d get splinters in my arse over this one. On one hand if they’re sharing finances then the child is a family expense. Also would increasing contribution leave the other person skint in comparison? On the other hand it feels unfair for the childless person if the relationship breaks down to have been left less well off than they would of been.

Can they compromise and childless person gets an extra few hundred for savings/ increase thier pension contribution in recognition of the additional cost of the teenager.

I think it’s really hard to be in a relationship when the incomes are different. Are you really going to see your partner not be able to afford clothes or nights out on the grounds that they have a child while you live it up?

What was discussed when the moved in together? I paid half when DH and his two and I moved in together. He was earning quite a bit more than me but paying a lot in child support, spousal and childcare costs for when they were with their mum. I also paid more for holidays etc.

We moved in together as a unit and talked about how it would all work before we did it.

But all families and circumstances are different.

To be honest I can see both sides of this. I don’t think there’s any “should” about it, as it’ll be different for different families.

The teenager probably costs the same as an adult in bills so I can see the argument that the parent could pay more for that?
With rent would you have a smaller house without the teenager? If not I’d say that should be 50:50 between the adults.

I think a lot of it comes down to how much of a family unit you are and how long the step parent has been in DCs life. I don’t think there’s one fair way that will apply to everyone in this situation.

Rent, no. The house costs what it costs, and would be no less of the teenager wasn't there. Likewise council tax etc. The partner without kids could push for a bit extra for utilities, but I don't think I would. But food, yes, I think an extra contribution should be made, and the teen's clothing and any other expenses should be paid for entirely by the parent

Doesn't sound very loving if they've got down to this level of nit picking.

Are they a couple or are they house mates. Because splitting hairs like this will kill a relationship fairly quickly.

If maintenance is significant ie not £7 a week or some other tiny sum then I think equal from pay is fine because the maintenance compensates

My dp pays a set amount per month, ( I own the house, no joint account) so I do pay more but for things like flights it's usually 50/50. It really depends what seems fair and what you are both happy with, I don't think there is a correct answer to this but one person shouldn't be having lots of spare cash and the other counting out the spare change

I think if both adults earn the same and the adult with the child gets child support on top of that, then yes they should be contributing more.

But if they dont earn the same, and its only equal after the child support is added, then the person who earns more could contribute a bit more to bills than their 1/3 so both have similar spending money in the relationship.

Take the Income of everyone as a whole (including maintenance from the ex), pay the costs (including costs for the child) then share the rest.

No it isnt particularly fair on the parent without the child, but it will happen that way by stealth anyway. If you set it up leaves one person inherently "poorer", the "richer" one will/should pick up the slack anyway. It's not a good look if one member of a couple can buy all the luxuries and the other is struggling to buy the basics.

If both parties cant live with that the relationship isnt going to survive living together anyway.

Until married I would say the parent with the child should contribute the maintenance amount to the joint account on top of half as that is what the government has decided half is.

Parent pays for clothes, extra for food, teenagers phone/hobbies/social life/saves for uni etc.

I would say 50/50 for mortgage, council tax, utilities etc.

The rent will cost more than if the child wasn't there as they will need a bigger house etc. It's not fair for the one without a child to pay more.

You are putting child maintenance into the pot therefore you are providing for the teenagers portion (unless the maintenance is a tiny amount).

@SoLongSister

You are putting child maintenance into the pot therefore you are providing for the teenagers portion (unless the maintenance is a tiny amount).

The maintenance is only half of what it takes though

Would the parent have been eligible for benefits beforehand? Have they now lost out on income on that basis. If so, then the partner should pick up the slack and they both pay 50/50.

It's a difficult one, isn't it? I can see both sides.

We have a joint account at the mo but my partner is talking about splitting it as they don't want to contribute towards my child (long story). I think they are being short-sighted and this is likely to lead to problems down the line.

But to humour them and see if it might be a possibility, I'm looking at what would be a fair way to contribute towards household costs.

My income is actually more than theirs' some months and it goes straight into our savings if we have any left over after bills. So, in a way I am paying more even if the rent is split exactly down the middle.

If we separate accounts I think they might be surprised at how much I do contribute once I just put a set amount in towards bills etc.

I am nervous about this however because I was once in an abusive controlling relationship where my partner made me go through every single expense and pay my own way (i.e. I would have to pay for things like yoghurts because I ate them and they didn't, even though they smoked and I contributed to that). It got so petty and I really don't have the energy for it. Because I didn't fight it, I ended up paying more for things than they did and I really got stitched up financially. I don't want to be in that position again.

I am worried that I am going to have to justify every single payment that I ask my partner to contribute towards if we go the separate accounts route. Ironically I never wanted a joint account in the first place because I could see this happening!

If you really want to stay with this person, then agree to separate the accounts and let them find out for themselves exactly how much you pay for.

Are you deliberately keeping the sexes vague?

You've had one unhappy relationship. If you think this one is going the same way, get out before you are too deep in.

I was in exactly the same position with the splitting shopping every week with an ex so get where you are coming from. But I was also in his position where I felt resentful at having to subsidise someone else's children meaning I had less money for going out and stuff. I think the best way to do it is for you to pay a sum for your child (I'd suggest the same amount as you are getting in maintenance) and then split the rest according to income. But try and get it so you're paying into the joint account and having seperate money to spend on fun things.

@HollowTalk

If you really want to stay with this person, then agree to separate the accounts and let them find out for themselves exactly how much you pay for.

Are you deliberately keeping the sexes vague?

You've had one unhappy relationship. If you think this one is going the same way, get out before you are too deep in.

Yes - keeping the sexes vague deliberately 😊I don't want that to be a factor in colouring opinion on what's fair and what isn't. Yes, I think I might just separate the accounts and then they can see for themselves.

That's why I think they're being short sighted.

On a different note - is it joint savings? If I was not married any savings I made would be in an account in my sole name. Even if married I’d have some if the savings in my sole name.

On splitting costs - no for the rent and bills. I’d put in more for food and cover the cost of clothes for the teen.

Easiest is salary/income into own accounts with an agreed amount into joint to cover joint household bills/rent. Keep the rest for you & your DC.

Either. you're in a genuine step family, in which case everything goes into one pot and the child is a child of the family, or stop putting more than the other adult into joint savings!

If you're not a family then you both pay into the joint account for ongoing expenses and you do pay more for you plus your child than as a lone adult - how much more depends partly on whether youre renting and the house or flat had to have an extra bedroom for the child. Given maintenance goes into the joint account it would seem logical for you to pay the same amount as maintenance to cover your child's expenses, but that in reality depends exactly how much maintenance is received. Maintenance should ideally cover 50% of the cost of raising a child but of course that's not how it's calculated.

Do you receive any kind of child based government benefits? If so I assume they go into the joint account and should certainly be counted as part of your extra contribution to cover your child's expenses.

If your boyfriend or girlfriend wants to avoid contributing in any way to your child then he or she is a boyfriend or girlfriend, not a partner and certainly not a step parent, so you should certainly act accordingly and split savings back up, keep your savings separate and just use the joint account to cover joint bills - you should probably cover all your child's expenses yourself and contribute 2/3 to rent and bills but be very careful not to subsidise your boy or girlfriend's savings in any way.

Have a serious talk - either you're a family or you aren't. Its fine if you are two adults in a fairly casual relationship who are also flatmates, not a family unit, but they can't have it both ways.

No, I think it should all get split 50/50. The cm goes into the pot too.

If it's an issue and they think they are being short changed then maybe you should separate the finances and also split the savings 50/50, and you can have your own savings account to.

Put bills money, food money and a bit for things like household expenses, house insurance, take aways etc and then work out a % for the child, but it's not 1/3 as your dc doesn't have an investment in the house etc. Then you get to keep everything else. Big purchases like furniture, holidays etc also get split.

I don’t think there is a right answer, but both adults need to be generally happy.

We’re in this situation, I have a child, husband doesn’t, young child and married, so thats different.

Before we got married I paid 2/3 of utilities etc, we split council tax 50/50 as that is based on adults only, I paid 100% of the mortgage as I didn’t want him paying towards it until marriage.

I wanted to continue paying 2/3 of utilities etc with a joint account we put bill money in. He thought we should just go 50/50 on bills as otherwise when we have a child together I’d be paying for one and a half children and he’d be paying for half a child.

We’re trialing putting all our wages in a joint account, giving ourselves x amount of spending money per month and putting x amount into savings each month, anything related to my son comes from the joint account. We earn a fairly similar amount we me earning a little more. Its going okay so far, I thought I’d feel odd using ‘his’ money when I buy my son things, but its actually okay.

Our system wouldn’t work for everyone, you need a system that generally pleases both of you.