Finances in a step family when one parent has children and the other doesn't

[californiadreamer]

Hi
I'm interested in what you all think.

Scenario:
Two adults, one teenager in one house. Adults are in a relationship together but not married. Teenager is the child of one of the adults.

Both adults earn roughly the same income. The adult with the teenager receives maintenance from ex that is paid into the joint account to cover half of costs of food, bills, uniform etc.

Should the adult with the teenager also contribute proportionally more to the rent and bills as well? The teenager is dependent (at school and not working). The adults are in a loving relationship - but there is some discussion over whether one adult "should pay for the child" of the other.

Thank you

No way on earth would I be paying my savings into an account that anyone else could access.
And no way would I be subsidising anyone else's teenager.

In this situation I would keep separate finances. No way would I pay for someone else’s kid. Fair is 50/50 on bills such as rent and electric etc, the parent pays a bigger share of the food bill and pays for all of their child’s expenses themselves.

I would go for separate accounts, halves on rent and utilities, but you obviously pay for your DC's clothes, pocket money, phone, trips etc. Your savings need to be kept separate for you and your DC, since your DP (however loving) doesn't see the three of you as a family. I would not be up for paying two thirds of rent or utilities, and if DP was insisting on this I would start rethinking whether we should be living together.

This could all be reconsidered in 5 years when DC is off to Uni etc.

This could all be reconsidered in 5 years when DC is off to Uni etc

That's a really good point, when your teenager goes off to uni, your dp will have to contribute more and you less when this happens

Thing is your bills, rent etc doesn't increase with a dc in the house. Ok maybe a smidge more electric. It's only really food, clothing, school trips etc that cost over and above bills

Joint account for general family expenses. Each partner puts in an equal amount to start with, parent puts in the half maintenance from the other parent, plus the same amount again (since presumably the full maintenance amount is what it costs to 'run' a teenager.

Each partner should have their own savings account.

Right so. I have two primary age kids, no maintenance as I'm widowed. Partner has no kids.
Both earn equally.
We pay equally for all
Household bills including the mortgage. The mortgage was taken specifically to fund extension and partner's contributions are recognised in a deed of trust. Household bills include all utilities, food, takeaway, meals out as a 4, holidays and petrol.

I pay for anything very specific to kids - so childcare and their clothes etc, babysitting for joint night out is shared though.

So he does pay for the kids somewhat but in return he lives in a house he only pays a tiny mortgage payment for.

We discussed all this at length before he moved in. We know which account every single bills gets allocated to.

In this scenario, I would have a joint account that you both pay a set amount into for bills and shopping, but then keep the rest of your money in your own accounts to use as you wish.

I think that's the best way as then you're both paying equally for the main living expenses for the house equally but your partner isn't picking up extras for your child unless they choose to.

I have to admit, my DP has 2 kids and I wouldn't be happy splitting all of our income as I doubt I would get much say on how it's spent when it comes to his kids. But I would be happy to pay 50/50 for actual living expenses.

We bought a bigger house so that DSD could have her own room and it never occurred to me that DH should pay more because of that; it was just part of the deal when we started living together. At the moment he pays maintenance to his ex as she doesn’t live with us full time but if she did then I’d expect him to pay a higher proportion of food bills towards her.

No just put everything in one pot and take it from there.

But you are contributing more already OP as you presumably getting CB plus the maintenance from the DC's other parent.

I am in your situation in that I am married to a man and I have dependent DCs from a previous marriage and he doesnt.

We have family money. We earn around the same in any case. Everything into one pot and we each just buy what we want/need from a joint account.

My DH had the choice not to live with us and not to get married to me but he chose to and I'm not living with someone who only wants to contribute 25% to the cost of the wifi or whatever on the basis that my kids download more Netflix than him or quibbling over food bills because someone else ate the packet of biscuits.

The way I see it, if you want separate finances then don't live together.

Agree with everyone saying have your own savings account!

I don't think your partner should pay for a child for whom you receive maintenance from their other parent. It'd be different if there was no child support but as there is, it's only fair that you pay more into the household to take account of the fact that there are 2 of you, especially as you earn broadly the same.

Before we got married I paid 2/3 of utilities etc, we split council tax 50/50 as that is based on adults only, I paid 100% of the mortgage as I didn’t want him paying towards it until marriage.

Wow, so all he paid was 1/3 of utilities and half the council tax?

Do you rent or own?
If you rent, how many bedrooms do you hav
If you own, who exactly owns?

These questions make an absolutely massive difference, where the biological sex of the people involved does not.

If you rent, then paying more rent to cover the second bedroom makes absolute sense.

If you own less so, because a two or three bedroom property has a higher resale value than a one bed.

hav*e

I'm on the fence here, but fall largely on separate finances and separate savings. Making the decision to merge finances and take financial responsibility for a child is a big step.

Age of child matters here too in my opinion. Someone who becomes a stepparent and is playing a full stepparent role from when the child is young may be more inclined to blend the family unit and take on a child as their own. When the child is a teenager then it's often more like "this is my partner's child" rather than "this is my stepchild".

If it's a mortgage and you're not married then I think whoever is the homeowner pays the mortgage and if you both are then it should be 50/50. If one person doesn't own a property then they shouldn't have to pay someone else's mortgage in my opinion.

If you rent and the rent is more due to needing room for a teenager then the parent pays more.
Bills would probably be slightly weighted to the parent paying more if the teenager lives there a lot.

I'll get splinters on my bum for this one.

As soon as you have a child things are incredibly complicated if you choose to enter into a relationship with another adult and you have to be on your guard and always, always assume the other adult will either be expecting you to be grateful or trying to exploit you. Urs a bit shit perhaps, but it's reality. There's always something to think about if a childless adult gets into a relationship with an adult with a child. Sometimes that new childless adult expects their new partner to essentially shed their past, and sometimes they expect their partner to be forever grateful, sometimes they genuinely want to be a family and adopt the existing children, loving them as part of their life partner, and sometimes they see them ad regrettable baggage...

Be careful.

Whatever works for the family, though if the 2 adults don’t agree it doesn’t bode well for a very compatible relationship. Finances, whatever the arrangements, are a key part of a relationship dynamic.

For me, if I choose to be a family with someone then I’m all in…. The kids come as part of the package. I’d put everything in the pot including maintenance and pay for all family expenses from this.

Of course you don't actually have to split your finances to work it out. Before fiddling around with all that headache, test it out in some budgeting app, or even on paper.

I’d say 1/3 vs 2/3 given not married and the child only being the financial responsibility of one. I’d have separate accounts and transfer the share to a joint one for bills. Child costs to come from the parents not the dating bf/gf.

As one partner wants to split finances, then that should be done without any resentment.
Some costs will be greater for 3 than 2, some will be unchanged. Eg, food will cost more for 3 as will rent if you’ve purposely rented a bigger house to accommodate the child. Council tax will be the same for 2 as 3. Split food costs 3 ways and you pay 2/3, same for rent, but keep other bills split 50/50. How much each of you earns is irrelevant. As is maintenance payments. Clothes etc for dsc should be paid for by their parent.
I would say that if this relationship started when dsc was very young, and if you were married, I would feel differently.

There's no right or wrong here.

I am married with 2 DC. My DH is their step dad. His DCs are grown up. When he first moved in I added up all the expenses, bills, estimated food etc and we agreed a % split. I paid more into the joint pot at that point because a) I earned more and b) they aren't his kids. He's already paid for and brought up his.

However, 4 years later when I was made redundant and set up a business which made a loss to start with before it made a profit, he upped his contribution to almost double mine. The situation had changed so we went over everything again.