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Parenting

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Original poster

why if you only have one child do people constanly ask you whens the next!! its driving me nuts

35 replies

robinredbreast · 18/11/2007 11:59

and if you say well i think i may only want the one, that act as if its some kinda child cruelty !

why cant people accept some people do things differently [no everone one must have at least two kids and preferably a boy and a girl! and usually in the that order as well,oh yeah and they must insist on telling you what an appriorate age age is as well!!}

phew rant over

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hickorydickory · 18/11/2007 12:37

hee hee! I feel exactly the same. My ds is only 9 months and people have been asking me when the next one is coming for the last 3 months. I'm laughing just now but it is so annoying. I was told by my gran that not having another one was cruel. At the moment I don't think it would be very nice either to choose to bring up 2 on hardly any money. How dare other people tell us how to run our lives! and why do we feel we have to defend ourselves?
I think my family is complete just the 3 of us and don't expect that to change (though who knows). When a vague acquaintance told me I just had to have another one, after unsuccessfully trying to fob her off I said I might not be able to have any more children, that shut her up and she had the good grace to look embarrassed! But lying like that was a last resort and I felt ashamed - but then so should these nosy parkers!
I don't have any easy answers to this and am sure every mum has experienced it - think I may even have been guilty of asking others when they were having the next one before I had ds, but would never have told them what to do!

MrsTittleMouse · 18/11/2007 13:11

Hate hate hate this. We are infertile (but have kept it very secret and I had treatment on the sly), so it's even more painful as we really want another but probably won't be able to. Hopefully I'll have successful treatment next year. It's weird that people assume that you'd tell them your intimate business though isn't it? I mean, everyone assumed that our DD was an accident. Why should we tell them our every marital secret?

inthegutter · 18/11/2007 13:33

People do it because of that basic human instinct to seek reassurance that the way we are doing something is 'right'. Unless people are very confident within themselves, they tend to look to others to affirm their choices/way of life - whether it be to do with children, education, job etc. Our gap between dc1 and dc 2 is about a year and a half bigger than it would have been if I'd been a SAHM. We held off having number 2 precisely because i was back at work, everything was running smoothly and we could afford childcare for one child. At that point we were too financially stretched to afford it for two. Some of our friends drove me mad at the time - they had a two year gap between their kids and just couldn't accept that we were quite happy with our life choice!

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edam · 18/11/2007 13:38

It's bloody rude. And nosey. I have on ds, aged four, and have lost count of the number of times complete strangers or the merest acquaintances have asked me this. As if it's ANY of their damn business!

binkleandflip · 18/11/2007 13:42

I was asked this recently by a friend of a friend when I had just literally had a miscarriage the week before and so I told her that and I imagine she felt uncomfortable but I thought seeing as she was so interested she could hear all about it.

I dont think its rude per se just nobody else's business.

qwertpoiuy · 18/11/2007 13:53

I'll never forget finding out I was pregnant when DS was 14 months old and a complete handful. We'd just sold our house, were building another, we were living in a mobile home& had little money. I hadn't planned on getting pregnant for another year, so this was a shock.
That same day, I went into town to do the shopping when I bumped into somebody I know. She said "You should start thinking about company for this little boy soon"! I wanted to throttle her.
As it happens, DD1 was born, the new house was just finished when she was born and finances were back on track, she was a delightful baby and toddler and is now 5yo and at school.
I've since told that lady how her words really upset me that day and she has apologised!
I would never ask anybody, because you just don't know somebody else's circumstances.

Original poster

robinredbreast · 18/11/2007 13:57

good 4 you qwertpoiuy
hopefully that will make her thnk twice about saying it again

OP posts:

DrNortherner · 18/11/2007 14:01

I ahve a 5 year olds ds and had a m/c last year. If anyone asks me I tell them about my m/c and that shuts them up

Don't mind discussing it with friends but nosey strangers do my head in.

lisad123 · 18/11/2007 14:01

People always asked this. I think it is rude and is as bad as asking "oh when you next planning on having unprotected sex?!"

After 4 years people stopped asking, although i did get a lady at work saying i was very selfish and horrible having just one!!

LOL when people found out we were having dd2, and even more shocked to discover it was planned.

Sod them all, I once replied "hmm not sure, maybe i should do it just because im sick of people asking".

Lisa

lulumama · 18/11/2007 14:05

I have almost 6 years between my two DCs, even though after a while it was common knowledge i had PND, people kept asking, they stopped after around 4 years though

people are interested/ nosy/ like to give an opinion

OracleInaCoracle · 18/11/2007 14:10

i tell them in detail about our mc's and the ep. usually embaresses them into shutting up.
its as if once youve had one child its ok to ask intimate questions. its tantamount to asking how many times a month you have sex.

PrincessGoodLife · 18/11/2007 14:14

I think it is just something people say when they want to fill a conversation gap and forget to think ahead to the possible sensitive issues involved for someone. Guilty of it myself sometimes. It isn't meant to hurt, fwiw.

Original poster

robinredbreast · 18/11/2007 14:17

dad for example was preeching on about how its BETTER to have more than one child and its BETTER to have them as close together as possible
i tried to explain to him that it was ridiculas to make such sweeping statements and genralisations
and its like most things in life there are advantages and disadvantages in having more than one and how they are spaced
would he listen to sense though? would he heck

so he certainly cannot understand why me and dh MAY chose to have one

maybe a good answer to those nosey rude parkers would be well we are more than happy with what we have and if they insist on going on, say some people are never happy with what they have and always want more

anyone else think of any good ways to shut these cretins up ! lol

OP posts:

OracleInaCoracle · 18/11/2007 14:18

try asking how often they have unprotected sex!

Original poster

robinredbreast · 18/11/2007 14:21

fair point princess alot of what we all say we dont really think about

also after having my dd 20 weeks ago my mother asked me if i had thought about contraception [actually starting to give me the talk about the birds and the bees!]
wtf
ive managed to get to 30 got married and had a baby and now your gonna tell me the facts of life lol
well ive managed to make it this far ok maybe she should of given me that chat when i was younger lol almost like she actually thinks when i conceived dd it was the 1st time i had sex

OP posts:

PrincessGoodLife · 18/11/2007 14:29

lol at your mother
mine was upset when she found out I was pregnant because she thought I was throwing my life away at such an early age... but I was 27. It's a mother's instinct to think our babies will be babies forever, I'm sure.

I have only one child and he's four now. No immediate plans for another but it isn't out of the question. Luckily for me, my family don't pester us about when the next one will be, and anyone else's questions I just treat as nice interest in our family.

PrincessGoodLife · 18/11/2007 14:30

(my point being that I am not being hassled in the same way as you btw)

cmotdibbler · 18/11/2007 20:25

It really gets on my wick. I ask them how many more mcs I'm supposed to have, and that usually shuts them up.
However, based on an article in one of the papers last week, our new response is: "yeah, but its 750 tonnes of CO2 per child - we can't justify that". Confuses them no end.....

yogimum · 18/11/2007 20:45

Well if anybody asks me if i'm having another I always say "you have to have sex don't you, sure thats how it happened the first time", usually shuts them up.

Martha200 · 18/11/2007 20:49

It's the way it seems to go!!

Have none, and people ask when, or are you having children.
Have one, when is the next one coming?
Have 2, do you want any more?
Anymore than that and it's when are you stopping?!

People are strange when it comes to other people's business.. which is why I never, ever ask the do you want any more question or do you want a boy/girl.

I have a son and am due soon, I have not said I know what sex it is to family/most friends, as people are so opionated when it comes to the sex of a baby too. Like it must be a disappointment if you have two of the same sex.
TBH, all I care about and wish for is the health and happiness of said baby over the sex.

I empathize with it driving you nuts, does me too!

PeachesMcLean · 18/11/2007 20:52

I haven't been hassled about it for a long time now, thankfully. I don't mind people saying "are you planning any more?" if it's just general conversation, but completely agree that to be judgemental about it is very very rude. I did once stare at one such woman and said "because my other baby died." That shut her up.
(I did have a stillborn baby, v sad of coure, but did giggle that it stopped her so abruptly)

morocco · 18/11/2007 20:55

it's just a question, timefiller thing, everyone asks/gets asked don't they? got 1, when's the next? got 2, fancy 3, got 3 how about 4? got a boy, want a girl? etc etc.

PeachesMcLean · 18/11/2007 20:58

If that was all, morocco I wouldn't mind. I've been told only children don't grow up well adjusted, I've been told it's cruel and he'll be lonely. I was amazed how judgemental people can be.

joyfulspike · 18/11/2007 21:07

I was startging to think I was the only one having this aggro. Its bloody irritating! When I forst got together with DH, his and my parents were obsessed with me not being pregnant, then once we got married, they became obsessed with me getting pregnant - even got asked if I was having problems in that area once or twice, then when ds was hours old we started getting, I suppose you'll start on number 2 soon then? AGGGGGHHHHH. I've told them never again and when I get their knowing smirk I tell them all about my labour followed by detailed PND symptoms and then to add the final touch the series of m/cs I've had. soon shuts them up!

MrsTittleMouse · 18/11/2007 21:11

I'd imagine that it's OK for most people, just a time-filler thing, but for some of us it's really upsetting. Like I said, partly it drives me nuts as people assume that if there was something wrong, then you would tell them. I don't want people to know that we're infertile, and if (heaven forbid) I ever had a miscarriage I wouldn't want people to know about that either. So I wish that people would be tactful and ask nobody about it, rather than assume that things are OK if they don't know otherwise. There really is a nosy-ness about it, where people feel they have a right to know if there is a problem. Bugger off!

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