Pissed off at my friend for her judgmental comments!

[bleachblondemom]

I saw my life-long friend (call her F) at the weekend, and she said something that has really pissed me off. It wasn’t about me and my baby, it was about another woman she knows and her baby. Not sure how old the baby in question is, but basically F was telling me that the mom said her baby doesn’t sleep through the night and still wakes in the night. So F was basically like ‘I’m not even a mom and even I know that means her baby obviously isn’t getting enough to eat and isn’t a happy baby’.
I just muttered something like ‘it’s not as simple as that’ and just carried on playing with my son hoping the other person in the room (also not a mom) would change the subject. I didn’t want start an argument and embarrass her. But in my head I wanted to say, you are talking an absolute load of shit you judgemental bitch. And what do you mean even you KNOW this? Where the fuck have you learnt that? Spending a couple of days a week with your nephew and you think you know what it’s like to be a parent and actually take care of a baby? That’s not really how it fucking works. What an utterly stupid thing to say. Even if she had a child it would still be a ridiculous thing to say. I’m so cross with her.
F does stuff like this a lot, makes comments about things she knows absolutely nothing about. She’s quite judgmental. But this seriously takes the piss.
I think I just needed to get this off my chest so I can stop thinking about it.
She has been my friend literally since we were babies, I’ve known her all my life. We are growing apart a bit but I still don’t really want to pick a fight with her. But another part of me, who is a mom and wants to stand up for all other moms who have to put up with shit like this, really wants to tell her what a twat she is.

I’m a parent whose baby does sleep through the night consistently...and even I know I’m a bloody lucky b* and have just hit the baby jackpot nothing to do with me. I feed him/care for him in a similar way to all my mum friends do but some of theirs sleep 2 hours max!

Don’t worry though I’m due number 2 in a couple of weeks and imagine karma is coming for me. She’ll no doubt sleep 2 hours a week!

Your friend is just a judgmental person. It’s nothing to do with having/not having kids she just lacks empathy and maturity.

It seems like a violent reaction to a mildly irritating comment by someone who has form for being a bit of a twit.

It is possible to disagree with someone without ‘picking a fight’.

You said it wasn’t that simple, you could have elaborated a bit, rather than get yourself into a steaming get up state for a few days.

You could have “followed up with ‘this is the kind of thing that makes being a Mum hard: people judge your parenting all the time”.

Yes, she is opinionated with no knowledge, but either communicate or shrug it off.

My Eldest was a fantastic sleeper from 8wks & I remember thinking to myself people just don't have a good routine like we do & that's why their babies don't sleep

... It's a good job I didn't know you back then, and that's all I'm saying.

(DS1 is now 6 and most nights I don't have to get out of bed to attend him, but he's still not a "good" sleeper. At least by having a "challenging" starter baby, hopefully I never said anything fucking stupid to another mother.) (I could have done, though. I was practically delirious.)

Back to you OP; it sounds like generally it might help you if you found it easier to express yourself assertively? It sounds a bit like you struggle between repressing your feelings and really going off on one. Definitely worth practising trying to get into the middle ground there?

I have a friend who is childfree not by choice and says stuff like this in a tone of absolute authority (really stupid inaccurate stuff, like that hungry babies need baby rice in their bottles at three months). It’s very hard not to take it personally and get angry, but I think the pp who said it comes from a place of insecurity is right - in my friend’s case, she would have loved to have learned how wrong all her pre-conceived notions were on the job, and so I try to be sympathetic and make neutral noises even though my instinct is to snap. Your friend will probably cringe for herself if she has her own children in years to come. If your friendship isn’t good anyway though I would also want to distance myself.

I know in hindsight that I didn’t have to have a fight with her. I know now all the things I could have done and said. I wish I had. But in those few seconds after she said it I felt like I only had 2 options- leave it or show her how cross I was. So I left it. Honestly I felt a bit embarrassed for her.
If you think my feelings are violent or aggressive then all I can say is you’re a better person than me for not letting it get to you so much. But honestly, you should’ve been there and heard that way that she said it. It was so... mean. She was deadly serious and said it really cattily with this look on her face like god can you believe her baby doesn’t even sleep through the night. She fully expected me to agree with her. It’s just made me realise that she’s a lot more unkind and judgemental than even I thought she was before.

Oh I have a friend exactly like this but she does have a baby. A baby who's slept through since about 6 weeks. I know exactly what you mean about it possibly descending into an argument if you tried to "correct" her, don't let the comment go, let the friendship go (at least that's what I did after a comment about my child being lazy and behind because they weren't crawling at 7 months). You'll be happier in the long run.

I was an expert at parenting - until I actually had kids

Honestly I think you're overthinking it a bit. I was a brilliant parent before I had children!

And I am sorry to say I was at peak judgey know-it-all non-parent when I was suffering from infertility but I was so incredibly angry at the world.

If she does have children there's a good chance she'll look back and be mortified. If not, c'est la vie, next time you could gently pick her up on it and just say you're not sure that's really right as babies just sleep when they feel like it or whatever it is.

Don't let it get to you.

It's not worth getting so worked up about. It's quite common for non parents to have uninformed opinions about parenting.

Just have an inward chuckle. Or if you must, explain why she is wrong.

But don't waste time and energy being upset.

I agree with @PiuVinoPerFavore, I cringe at some of the thoughts and comments I had before having my DC although I don’t think I actually made them towards parents.

Until you are living through it, some people don't get it.
When DS was about 8 months old we went back to my home country to visit family. He was a terrible sleeper and would wake up 3-4 times for night feeds. I was permanently exhausted.

I was trying to arrange an early evening out with a close friend who I haven't seen in a while. I suggested going out at 7pm for a coffee as I explained I was looking for an early night and something relaxing (so no dancing/partying/drinking).

Friend texted back saying something along the lines of , "oh yes I have had a pretty tough week myself so definitely not looking to party all night. Anne (another friend) and I have said we will go out at 10pm just for a couple of relaxing drinks and then be home the latest by 1am. We can meet at my house and then we can all walk together at xyz."

Well, I have never felt so violent in a matter of milliseconds. I know she meant well and she just didn't get it, but at the time I felt so upset. Needless to say I declined the invite. By 10pm I would normally be in bed trying to catch some sleep before the next feed. Her version of an early and relaxing night didn't match mine and I can't blame her, although at the time my sleep deprived self felt like exploding.

Sorry if my initial post made me sound like some bad-tempered loony 😂 obviously I wouldn’t have shouted ‘you judgmental bitch’ at her 😂 I just really needed to get it all off my chest!
The thing is I’m not like that with people I care about- my husband, my family, my friends that I’m close to and I love. I’m quite capable of having rational conversations with them if I disagree with them or if they piss me off a bit. I wouldn’t immediately go off on one with them. But if it’s someone who I either don’t like anyway or I’m not really bothered about getting into an argument with then I am prone to going from 0-100 on the rage scale which is why most of the time I just stop myself. And now I’ve realised that F falls into this category now, and not into the category of someone I really care about 😕 which is sad but it just shows how much we’ve grown apart. And it’s not just because I’ve had a baby. I have several friends who don’t have children and I feel as close to them as I ever have. I wouldn’t pick a fight with them. But also, they would never say anything so damn twatish!

I totally get why you're angry with her. I would too. Prepare your reaction for the next time she says something judgemental - I'm sure you won't have long to wait.

My advice would be to keep her at arms length. We have friends for different things so maybe this is a friend you would go out for a drink or dinner with.

Also when she has kids she will change and then you can say "remember when you said... 😂"

Don't ruin a friendship over this. Unless she repeatedly makes you feel bad after you see her.

@BeHappyAndSmile what a horrible thing to say about your baby! Lazy at 7 months? Absurd.
@AJobToLove I think I’d have felt the same of you. It’s definitely frustrating when people don’t understand because you feel like they are being purposely thoughtless even though they probably don’t mean to be like that.

And can I just relay that this isn’t even something she’s said about me or my baby! It doesn’t even apply to me right now- my DS currently sleeps through the night. I was so angry at her attitude in general, and upset on the other woman’s behalf that someone was talking about her and her baby like that. So I don’t know what I’d be like if she said something actually directed at me, I kinda don’t think she would to my face.

I can see why it would annoy you, and it is annoying when people speak about things they have no clue about. I do think you need to let this friend go, especially as she seems to rub you up the wrong way. It's not healthy to go from zero to blind rage in a second, so that's probably something you should work on. You do come across as very aggressive, and although her comments are coming from an ignorant place, it doesn't warrant such a extreme reaction from you. She probably just knew that babies sleep better on a full tummy, and didn't think further than that.

If she comes out with similar again just laugh and say no baby reads that manual and they are all different if you have children you will quickly learn that one!

To be honest though and fair to her, as much as there are many reasons kids don’t sleep through the night, teething, colic, whatever, being hungry is a big one. A full tummy can make babies sleep better. Of course there are other reasons babies don’t sleep, but this is one of the reasons. Come on any thread on here and you’ll see an avalanche of mums saying “have they eaten/drunk enough through the day, are they waking as they are hungry”

I think thr fact you wanted to attack her like you did, shows you are not friends any more, as you said, you don’t care about her and you clearly dislike her and that’s really what’s behind your very extreme reaction.

I have a friend just like this. She's very judgemental of other parents. I had a baby a few weeks after another friend of ours had one and she was making judgy comments over their decision to use a dummy. She also made a stupid comment about how they'd visited this new baby and the day after the parents but a picture on Facebook and the baby was wearing the same baby grow... Like you shouldn't dress your baby in the same baby grow two days in a row... I responded by saying things like 'let's not judge other new parents' and voiced my concern that I'd be judged like that when I gave birth. Didn't make any difference though. It's horrid and I am certain she's bitched about me in a similar way. Since having my baby we've drifted apart. I'm not sure it's worth having that type of nastiness in my life, even if we have known each other for a long time.

It's horrid and I am certain she's bitched about me in a similar way.

That’s what got my back up about my friend criticising/judging other mothers she knew. She was essentially letting me know that she’s sitting there silently taking notes on how her friends look after their own children and would spread the word if they didn’t come up to scratch according to her. I’d be the last person to pretend I don’t enjoy the odd bitching session, but that’s really personal and not what you need from a friend, especially a childless one, when you’re an anxious new mother.

As you've identified, your reaction is completely OTT and reflects a deeper issue you have with her. Her comment absolutely was annoying and twattish, but I think we all know that we said and thought things about parenthood, pre babies, that turned out to be absolute and complete bollocks*. So when other people do it, it's very annoying but not, usually, rage inducing.

I'm sorry that your friendship is suffering. It might be that you need a bit of distance for a while and can rebuild it at a later stage. Or you have to tell yourself that every time she makes these judgemental comments you will challenge her and then make a longer-term decision on the friendship based on her reaction.

• Yes, I was that woman who, heavily pregnant, announced to DH after a chat with a friend whose baby was just over a year old, "No child of mine won't be sleeping through the night by the time they're 1." Karma's a bitch side eyes DS who didn't sleep through the night until he was 7

It’s a bit upsetting to hear people saying I come across as very aggressive, just from this one short story about someone who genuinely upset me 😔 I think everyone has had a sweary rage-fuelled rant in their head before, or in the privacy of their own home, so that they can get it out of their system.

I’m not faultless, I have made some judgements about other people’s parenting choices.... in my head (and then realised I’m talking rubbish). Would never dream of saying it out loud, especially in the presence of another parent.

@MiddleParking you’ve hit the nail on the head there