how does your H help with baby?

[bunhead34]

Please tell me how your DH helps/helped with your little baby? (5 weeks old and exclusively breastfed for reference!)
Particularly in regard to sleep and the night time....

Thanks!

When my DD was that age and breastfed he’d have her in the evenings so I could get some sleep in between feeds (it was a bit his and miss with cluster feeding though) and on weekend mornings I’d feed her then go back to sleep for a couple of hours. He didn’t really do anything in the night as it was all feeds so no point us both being up.
We introduced a bottle at 8 weeks so he could do the last feed at 10.30 and I could go to bed earlier although I often ended up settling her anyway as she’d want a bit of a breastfeed to settle too.
He’s also make dinner and tidy up after to look after me.

I fed the baby. He did everything else (housework, dinner etc). I remember him bringing me endless cups of tea and bacon sarnies while I was stuck on the sofa feeding. Nightime was all me though.

We have 7 month old twins and DH has done 50% of the physical labour night or day whenever he’s not at work.

In those early days we stayed up till 2am together trying to get them to settle. I’d bf #1 and he’d bottle top up while I bfed #2. Then I’d wind #1 while he bottle topped up #2 etc

Later on we would do 90min shifts all through the night in the lounge where they slept at the time 😂 One of us trying to catch 89mins of sleep upstairs while the other hoped to catch some extra winks on the sofa if neither baby was awake.

Now they sleep upstairs. We share all evening tasks while in charge of “our baby” for that night (we swap each night) and get both babies ready for bed at the same time.

DH and I sleep in separate rooms with one baby in a sidecar cot each. He does all settling, wake ups, resettling and the night feed and nappy for the baby he has.

Obviously it would be a bit different if I’d only had one baby (I’d still be bfing now at 7 months) but I think I would have expected him to do almost as much... we both would have had a nice time then 😅 As it is we’re hanging on by the skin of our teeth 🥴

Dh would take them after the early evening feed (7-8pm ish) and hold them or wear in a sling until the next feed (10-11pm ish) and I would have a shower and sleep. Then do next feed and he'd take them back downstairs and do the same until about 1am. He literally watched an entire season of GoT walking in laps around the lounge to keep eldest one asleep. Then around 1am when they woke, we'd switch, and I'd come downstairs (so I could watch tv during feeds - otherwise I got bored). I'd put them to sleep in the cot or they'd sleep on me or we'd co-sleep 1-6am ish. It meant we both got about 5 hours of sleep each night, which was enough to cope in the early days.

And during the day, dh did all of the holding and carrying around when he was home (as well as school runs and homework, etc.) just because I did so much of the holding during the day. I cooked dinner because it was a nice break from having a baby attached to me all day.

At night time he was dead to the world and of no help whatsoever but as he is military and away a lot I get used to doing stuff alone pretty quick. He will help out with changing, bathing, playing etc when he's home if asked but often will just leave me to it. He will do morning school runs with the older ones which I quite like, I still do lunches and getting uniforms out for them though. We're expecting baby number 6 atm, may be having elcs and he will get 6wk off work to help out but then away again. Can't be as exhausting as having our twins though so I'm confident I will cope pretty well.

I ebf so in the nights he would do the nappy changes and then hand over to me to feed. I was lucky that baby settled fairly well between feeds so we both got a bit of sleep in between. He had to drive a fair distance to work so he needed to sleep to be safe. He would always help out loads in the evenings, cook dinner, do bathtime and get the eldest to bed whilst I fed the baby.

When my DD was that age, she would cluster feed all evening so I did that.
I’ve always struggled badly with getting back to sleep once woken - if something wakes me at 1am I might be awake all night. So to help with this, when DD woke in the night, I’d feed her lying down in bed in the dark, and then I’d wake DH and he would do any nappy changes/soothing back to sleep that was required because he can be back asleep the second his head hits the pillow. So because of that, night time “duty” was split fairly evenly.

DD1 was a difficult baby with silent reflux, ebf. DH did all housework and nappies and overnight did at least some of the holding upright after a feed, he was also more successful at getting her into the crib.

DD2 was also ebf but much easier. DH did most of the toddler stuff and most of the housework (I had c sections), I did pretty much all the baby stuff. He did so a nappy change overnight but it wasn't as essential that time as she was a good sleeper from the off and I wasn't broken like I had been the first time round.

Don't get stuck into rotas or tit for tat, just work out what you need for your family. If your DH is happy to have a full night's sleep while you're exhausted, that's a problem.

DD was a horrific sleeping. I'm struggling to remember 5 weeks, I think at that stage we were still daft enough to be in the same room. Basically we both put her to bed around 7, and DH would go do an hours housework then come back up. He's usually take her (needed to be held to stop crying/sleep due to reflux) until 11.30/12/1 (whenever she wore needing a feed) then I'd take over nighttime and if he was leaving for work he'd try and either take her if she was up at 6.30/7 so I could get a bit more rest and/or a shower, or drop in a thermos of tea so I'd have it when I woke up if we were still asleep when he walked out the door.

He did all laundry, dinner prep, cleaning.

I could count the times dh has woken with dds, even when they’ve been unwell on one hand. Pretty shameful for him. He does however work from home when they’re unwell now they’re older. He didn’t take paternity leave for either dds, worked from home, but went in after a week. Bloody useless!

Mine didn't, he was an unsupportive twat and on the rare occasion he did something, he expected praise and gratitude.

My oh works a 12 hour day 6 days a week doing a manual job except when he has his son every other weekend so I don't expect or ask him to do much. He has baby in the evenings between feeds so I can cook and shower etc. Nights are all me too as she is exclusively breastfed and he sleeps in another room so she doesn't wake him up (she's a very noisy sleeper). However I had a c section and while I was recovering he was great, he cooked and sorted the house out and passed baby to me at night. She only wakes once or twice in the night now so I don't really need much help as I can get enough sleep and also go back to bed when he goes to work.

I'm now fully recovered and to be honest more rested than him so I don't mind carrying the load while he works these hours and she is being breastfed. On the weekends he has his son, he gets up early, I feed and change baby and he has her downstairs while I get a lie in.

When she goes onto the bottle eventually and his hours reduce which they will I will ask him to do the odd weekend night feed but to be honest I don't really mind as I'm not working and he is and the lie ins every other weekend are enough.

When she was really little he'd take her for most of the day so I could sleep. I then did the nights. NB - it wasn't "helping me" though, it was just being a parent. (Sorry to sound like a Mumsnet bore )

Bottle fed baby here. We split everything 50/50 when he was off on paternity leave.

When he went bk to work he helped night feeds at the wkends but still did bath time and bottles, nappies etc as soon as he got home.

He'd slack off if I let him but I just say u can feed her, can u change her bum etc.

At that age he'd get up at 6 and hold the baby til 9 so I could get a few hours uninterrupted sleep before he headed to work. He'd also do the cooking half of the week.

For the first month he did all housework and all nappies while I recovered from my c sections. I got up at night and did all feeds. Once baby started doing some stretches between feeds he took the late shift (9pm-11.30) and early shift (6am-8am) and I did nights.

With an EBF baby daddy helps by helping you.

They can;

Change nappies
Make you food
Bring you drinks
Clean the house
Do the shopping
Cater to visitors
Send out thank you cards
Keep on top of life-min
Bath baby
Cuddle and play with baby while you sleep/shower

At night there really isn't much they can do if you're breastfeeding BUT they can get rest so they are less tired and able to do the above. They can also wake earlier in the morning and hold baby if they wake past 5/6am if you need to sleep some more.

@MyPanda

When she was really little he'd take her for most of the day so I could sleep. I then did the nights. NB - it wasn't "helping me" though, it was just being a parent. (Sorry to sound like a Mumsnet bore )

You are absolutely right! It's not 'helping'!

Winds me up when people say he is 'babysitting' too 👀

Our ds was ebf too. DP was amazing. Took over with my pain killers and made sure I took them (I lay in bed and he took them out of the packet and placed them in my mouth!) and made me tea, hoovered, food shopped and cooked. All of this without needing to be asked. Walked around rocking baby in the night and doing endless nappy changes. I'm really lucky. When he went back to work he couldn't physically be around as much (nhs frontline) but still bloody tried his best and still does now (ds nearly 3 years old). I'm very lucky.

DH is doing most of the housework and cooking (although we got a cleaner last
Week - we didn't need one when I was doing it all 🧐) and just asked me if I want to make dinner - NO!

I'm doing all of the feeding obviously, baby is up every two hours and sometimes/often takes an hour to settle back to sleep. She won't Go to sleep until 10pm earliest, Then she wakes up properly around 5.30/6 am.
He will do a burping or a nappy change in the night but I may as well do it myself I think as he wakes her up too much then just takes me longer to settle her back.

I suppose I just wanted to see if my expectations are realistic, he has almost been bludgeoned with euan the dream sheep a couple of times 🙈

I know everyone is different but when should I expect to take back over cooking etc? I wonder if I am a lazy pig leaving it all to him sometimes. I'm not working so do expect to take back over at some point.

I think you can do the cooking whenever u feel comfortable but they key is easy cooking. Placing a jacket potato in the oven, opening a tin of tuna and a tin of sweet corn. For about the first 6 months of ds' life maybe more we relied heavily on these simple meals. So yes in theory I was cooking but it was nothing too strenuous. Also housework took a backseat. Once ds started sleeping through at ten months full normality resumed. Try to make life as simple as possible and it's so hard when they are little.

Newborns often have witching hours in the early evening. Both mine had it. From about 3 - 12 weeks they'd cry every evening from 7-10pm. It was like clockwork. I found it easier when I knew this was normal and I'd eaten before it started. Then I'd just sit on the sofa and feed baby.

In terms of taking stuff back, it totally depends on you and baby. There is no set time limit for when you feel comfortable with a newborn.

EBF a 4 week old here, he's still on paternity leave but:

Alternate nappy changes

Decent amount of winding and settling her, mainly in the day but will take her in the night if she's been up a lot. Usually gives me couple of hours until 8/9am too

Lots of holding her for daytime naps

All housework, cooking and washing- I will do the odd bit of tidying, wiping down, putting clothes away etc but had a section so can't do anything heavy

All dog walks with DD in a sling if timing works to give me a break

Tummy time and baths as I struggle post section, I'm usually around though

Nursery research and booking visits

Does all the coffee making for visitors

Will divide thank you cards between us shortly

I'll be sad when he's back to work!

I ebf my 7 month old. Dh doesn't do anything at night, in fact I get on his back about coming to bed at a decent time so he can get a proper nights rest! In my mind it's important that he's well rested so that he can be more helpful in the day and give me an opportunity to rest. In those early weeks he did most of the housework and would take the baby in the day and let me nap. As I got into more of a routine and he was fully back at work, I've taken on more of the housework but he still helps me get rest at weekends and catch up on sleep.