To ask what made you want more than DC if you feel miserable all the time?

[Marghe87]

A bit of a harsh title to this thread but, essentially, I wonder what makes people go for DC n2 (or3 or 4) if they then constantly complain about how tired, stressed, sleep deprived they are. I come across this on MN a lot as well as in real life. It seems to me that some couple (not all of them but a good number I’d say) decide to have more than one child just because it’s the way it should be (traditionally a family isn’t complete with just 1 DC) or because they don’t want to leave their child as an only. I find often, with n2, the relationship between parent and DC is compromised because of the lack of time and energy you can invest... why would people want to go through this just so “the family is complete”?

Again, I am fully aware that sometimes couple strongly desire to have more DC and that’s fair enough! But talking to people, I think n2 is a tick box exercise sometimes.

Because overall although we may complain (what parent doesn't) it's all worth it.

People enjoy complaining about the bad, doesn't mean it outweighs the good.

People need to vent. It’s healthy. Or people ask for advice about how to deal with situations. Sometimes it’s external or unplanned factors which make family life difficult. For us my youngest multiple allergies, need to shield during a pandemic and having to look after my ill and disabled parents all make my life more tricky over the last couple of years.

People don’t feel miserable all the time. You can’t assume what their overall feelings are from the one time they get totally overwhelmed and vent on mumsnet.

Husband wanted 2. I was happy with 1. Got talked round.

I don't know. Some people do seem to have exponentially harder lives the more kids they have yet they keep having them. I do think there is a lot of pressure to have 2 or more when lots of people would have been much happier with one.

I feel pretty stressed and exhausted with a 2 year old and a full-time job but still chose to get pregnant again.
A few reasons I guess - I just think having a sibling is a lovely thing, and even though I find having a toddler stressful it’s also pretty incredible so I feel as though I’ll be doubling the joy (albeit potentially doubling the stress too). I’m also working on the basis that it’ll just be the first few years that will be really tough and that it’ll be worth it ultimately.

I think you've got a point OP.

I had a strong, strong desire that I could not shut up, despite practicalities meaning that we might have been better to stop at 1. It was all consuming and I only felt truly content once I knew 'I'd done'. DH would have gone for 1 more but as time passed felt content with the children we had.

I don't regret having more than 1, ever. But the complications that come with raising multiple children mean that resources are stretched and limited at times. Venting about the difficulties faced does not equate with 'I wish I hadn't had children' rather 'this is very hard just now, can anyone offer any insight/ support/ understanding?'

I think it’s like most things, people vent and let off steam etc but the good outweighs the bad. Yes you’re probably going to be tired for a year maybe 2, but really in the grand scheme of things it doesn’t make not having children worth it.
Some people complain about work, going to the gym, running etc but it’s just human nature I think.

I would like a 3rd child even though life is extremely tough (we have twins, both disabled). We have an extremely small family in terms of living relatives (7 people in total, but only 3 we actually see), and I feel quite sad about it - I would love a bigger family. But I know it’s not sensible for a lot of reasons. I can completely understand why people do it.

Because one day they'll entertain each other and I'll be a lady of leisure

I didn't I choose to stick at 1 for exactly that reason. I came so close to ending my own life due to pnd and I can't live through that again. It wouldn't be fair to my dc I currently have.

Because child 1 wasn't too difficult so we had child 2. Who also isn't too difficult, by my god the two of them together can be hard work! We seem to be just coming to the end of about 2-3 years of not being able to leave them in a room together with no adult. I had no idea they would be like that.

Accidents happen

In my case, they were close together and I was young, naive and believed 'experts' who said it would get easier with each 'phase'...it didnt, I had major PND, PTSD and even 35 years later a crying baby gives me a 'flight' response.

I mean... you might be in an easy phase when you conceive DC2. Hormones. Social expectations. Enjoying a whinge even if you’re coping fine underneath. An easier first child. Having a good relationship with your own siblings and wanting yours to have the chance at that. Etc.

I think it’s mainly biology. I’m expecting again (DD is 3.5). I’m back reading all the books etc and now - with DC2 and 3 on on the way - I’m remembering the reality of night feeds, mastitis, postnatal wards, reading Spot 30 times a day etc. Too late, they’re coming .

Because children don’t stay little forever. There are wonderful times too! My 2 year old wakes every morning and tells me she loves me. It’s not all bad!

we're probably going to stop at 1 for these reasons. we love having DS, 16m, but I cant imagine enjoying life with 2

No idea, I’m sticking with 1, i know my own limits

Because I’m an only child & I hate it. I hated it my whole childhood although I’d never ever admit that to my parents.. I had a lovely childhood but I was so so jealous of those with siblings growing up & I still look on with envy as an adult. I know it’s not all sunshine & rainbows with siblings but most people I know as adults have a good relationship. I’d love to have a family member to share the family stuff..

It was my dream to have a big family. Then I had a really poorly pregnancy, I was in hospital a lot and I struggled. And then I found DD1 hard. I had mild PND. And I was adamant my dream of a big family was over, no more. But then as DD got older, she got easier. We all got a full nights sleep..

So we went for DD2. I had an even worse pregnancy, I regretted my decision for a good 6 months.. but DD2 was a completely different experience. I LOVED the whole first year (even during a bloody pandemic 😂). She slotted right in. And she slept through from 8 months.. a champ 😂 Shes 14 months now & I don’t find life much harder than I did. It is more tiring, there is much less downtime & some days are mega hard. I have a whinge like everyone else but I love my kids & the good will always outweigh the bad.

I’d have a 3rd but I cannot do pregnancy again. It was hard on DD1 to have me in hospital and mostly in bed. I couldn’t do it to her again & DD2 as well.. maybe I’ll adopt 😂

I think about everything and worry about whether I can handle the consequences. I don't think everyone does, they just react to what happens. So I'm the sort of person who thought really carefully about how many kids to have.
I sort of wish I was a bit more go with the flow as I think whatever you do is hard, and I'm miss opportunities to surprise myself with how capable I am. Rather than just controlling everything !

As someone who is very happily child-free by choice, this is something I will never, ever understand.

If being a parent is really as much of a total, relentless fucking nightmare as so many parents claim, why the hell do they choose to have more than one child? Inability to question social expectations/ norms? Hormones? Short memories?

@Susie477

As someone who is very happily child-free by choice, this is something I will never, ever understand.

If being a parent is really as much of a total, relentless fucking nightmare as so many parents claim, why the hell do they choose to have more than one child? Inability to question social expectations/ norms? Hormones? Short memories?

Tbf you've had many answers above

I've always wanted 2 and despite a very traumatic birth and the fact we are currently in the "fun" toddler stage we will start trying again soon.
Both me and DH have a sibling and are so close to them if I can give DD the chance of that then I wouldn't hesitate